the crack files:
Suzi sPEAKS
Just an average girl looking for her dream gig. Hit me up at: [email protected]
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I want my uniform to be Tiffany blue, please! Public Information Officer King County Metro Transit – Seattle, WA 98104 $40.87 - $51.81/hour King County is committed to equity and diversity in the workplace. In addition, the county is committed to recruiting and maintaining a quality workforce that shares our guiding principles: collaborative, service-oriented, results-focused, accountable, innovative, professional and fair and just. Position Summary King County Metro seeks a Public Information Officer (PIO) who has a passion for clear communication, a strategic mindset, and a love of working with the media, politicians, and the general public. The PIO is one of two spokespeople for King County Metro who shape the external voice of Metro by developing, coordinating and disseminating information to the media and the public. Who May Apply This position is open competitive. Job Duties: Develop, coordinate and disseminate information to the media and the public, monitoring news channels and social media outlets, and supporting Metro in real time as events unfold. Serve as liaison with Executive Office Communications staff on key County initiatives, media relations, media events, social media, media tracking and emergency communications. Plan news conferences, briefings, community events, and media interviews. Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Chief of Information: I really want to work in a place called King County, because I’m a total princess! Sometimes when I’m having a bad day, I wear a crown so I can feel pretty and special and cheer myself up! I am so ready to be your spokesmodel. I will totally be on fleek. Duh! I see that this opening is competitive. Cool! Like, can I choose how I battle with the other applicants? I’m great at thumb wrestling—and foot wrestling! Also, all my friends come to be to plan events. I’m really good at themed parties. So when it comes to planning your news conferences, I could have a “Cookies & Baileys” theme; “Brunch & Dunks” theme… or unicorns! Hope we can salute each other soon! Suzi I already have uber amounts of experience!!! Actress/Actor – Intern, On Call $13 - $15 an hour/Part-time We are searching new talent for those looking to start or further their career in acting. A student in or recent graduate from acting school would be a great fit as well as others who desire a career in acting. The main responsibility is filming for YouTube videos selling and promoting specific espresso and cappuccino machines as well as coffee grinders, coffees, teas, and accessories. Requirements: Must be able to fluently read/write/speak English Quick learner Clear and concise voice Reliable transportation General Hours: On-call Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Fellow Fake Baristas: I love to act! My phone acting skills are superb and when I was a kid I used to pretend to be sick so I didn’t have to go to school. Like Ferris Bueller did. I’d love to meet him someday. Anywho, I really love a cup of joe. I had a couple of boyfriends named Joe, so this is perfect. Also, I will have no problem with the coffee grinding. I’m soooo good at grinding. Twerking, too. Could I call myself Lola Latte? Esme Espresso? Or Carla Cappuccino? I am so ready to be your on-call girl! Here’s to Java! Suzi I’m okay with dead stuff. Freelance Grave Tending & Flower Delivery Heaven’s Maid LLC $21/hour Contract Are you retired? Interested in a side job? Looking for extra income? Thank you for your interest in Heaven’s Maid. We are looking for individuals that don’t mind going to cemeteries and that are interested in Freelance work. When the orders come in, we give them to registered freelancers in the area. We are still “new” to the market and not many people have heard about our services yet, so there aren’t many orders starting out in any one area so many of our freelancers are taking on this position as a side job for some extra money here and there. Job Summary When a customer orders a service, the order is then put into our system and becomes available for any freelancer in the area to claim and carry out. When the work is done and a photo is taken, the freelancer gets paid for the work. Responsibilities and Duties Cleaning Grave Markers, Delivering Flowers, Taking a Confirmation Photo. Representing Heaven’s Maid in a professional manner. Contacting cemeteries to acquire maps and/or directions to specific grave spaces. Qualifications and Skills Must be 18 years or older. Must be legally able to work in the United States. Must be reliable and trustworthy to work independently. Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Walking Death: I’m not retired, but this job seems interesting. I’m detailed oriental and cleaning is in my blood. I’m the queen of selfies, so your pictures will be guaranteed fab. And I’ll wear the cutest outfits to make the families smile. Or, I could dress up like Indiana Jonesette and treat the job like a grave adventure! I look good in khaki! Plus, I think this job would make for a good Lifetime movie. A girl who does this job (Suzi) finds true love with a grieving man she encounters while cleaning graves. But it turns out he’s a murderer and the girl uncovers the truth. Kiss from a rose, Suzi I will spill the tea on my co-workers! Workplace Reporter, HuffPost HuffPost is a Pulitzer Prize-winning source of breaking news, video, features, and entertainment, as well as highly engaged global community for opinion and conversation. HuffPost Life is seeking an eager, curious reporter who wants to develop and own a new beat: the way we work now. This role will coincide with the launch of a new section that will examine everything from sexual politics at work to money and pay issues, generational divides to innovative companies and ideas. In other words, we’re looking for someone who is eager to upend conventional wisdom about work. Responsibilities Develop and writer interesting stories about work and our culture. The right person will be bursting with ideas we haven’t seen elsewhere. Package compelling ideas for the web, social media and mobile platforms. Requirements: 3+ years of experience reporting and writing Able to nail interviews with experts, advisors, and people with stories to tell Strong headline skills Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Secret Source: I imagine myself wearing a trench coat and cap like Humphrey Bogart while getting the scoop! When I saw you wanted someone to develop beats I got stoked. Do you know how many phat beats I got!?! Whoa! I can totally examine sexual politics at work. One time, I dressed up like Hillary Clinton for my “friend”. He loved it. He had me call him Willie and spank him on the booty. I have a really great idea of re-inventing the company newsletter. I want to make it tough and edgy. Eff stupid recipes and stuff. Like, let’s have a “Least Valuable Employee of the Month.” That way that person will try harder because it’s not a cool award to win. I think we need makeup tips and sex advice in our newsletter, too. I’m okay with nailing interviews, so long as he/she is cute and has nice clothes and money. I do have standards, like you do! I hope I can whip out my pen and paper with you guys real soon! Suzi P.S. I’m just afraid to huff anything. My moms said it’s a bad habit. I hope I don’t have to huff. I could rescue people and wear a cutesy uniform! Yes! Paramedic Basic Regular/Full-time Position Summary: The mission and purpose of this position is to compassionately deliver high-quality service and basic, as well as advanced patient care in a professional, caring and cost-effective manner. Essential Duties and Responsibilities: Asses each call situation to determine best course of action and appropriate protocol. Utilize medical equipment and procedures including defibrillator, EKG monitor, oxygen and suction devices, intravenous fluids, CPR and other procedures and medications as required to provide advanced medical care. Provide patient care according to clinical protocols and safety requirements. Lift and move patients as required to provide optimum care. Communicate with patient and loved ones to provide information and assurance that care is being given, and to show compassion. Drive the ambulance and provide map reading support to minimize call response time. Non-Essential Duties and Responsibilities: Participate in community programs to maintain AMR image and establish strong community relations. Perform other duties as assigned. Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Fellow Lifesavers: This is the best job for me! I am sooooo nice. I love all people, and I want to help others. I’ve been obsessed with men in uniform, and now people can obsess over me! Plus, I love that 9-1-1 show on Fox. What a cool life! I used to play doctor with my dolls when I was a kid. When I grew up a little, I played doctor with the boys all the time. I know the patient side, too. I’m very familiar with the human anatomy. One on my uncles used to pass out a lot from getting crunk, and I had to carry him upstairs. I’m really strong! I’m good with mouth-to-mouth (reference: playing doctor) and I know CPR. Ah, ah, ah, ah Stayin’ Alive, Stayin’ Alive! But what I’m really jazzed about? Driving the ambulance and playing with the lights and sirens. Yipee! Look at my face. Don’t you see “safety” written all over it? Stethoscopes and cotton swabs, Suzi We Asians are garden masters, duh! Freelance Garden Designer Contract An exciting opportunity has arisen for a self-employed garden designer to work in collaboration with Stewart’s landscaping. We are looking for a dynamic, creative individual, sympathetic to clients’ needs and with excellent knowledge and skills of creating garden designs. The suitable freelancer must be able to demonstrate by way of portfolio submission, the following range of skills: Excellent long-standing proven design track record with good verbal, written and presentational communication skills. Able to carry out site surveys on your own Excellent horticultural plant knowledge and the ability to produce soft landscaping and planting plans sympathetically with clients’ needs and wishes. Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Growers not Show-ers… I love the outdoors. And gardens are so awesome. I have so many fab ideas for gardens. I’m groovy with themes. Let’s say a client is into princess stuff. Then we could make a garden with pink stuff like Cherry Blossom trees and pink flowers, and I could put some bling in some trees. Or, if a client is into the kink, I could design a ween garden. We could cut the grass into the pattern of a ween, and hedges could look like a sack. My other skills include: I can stand for hours like you want. I used to be a promo model, so I can stand forever. I have 20/20 perfect vision so surveying is cool. And I’m very good at listening. Let’s say a client wants a Zen garden. I would take it up a notch and add two hot dudes wearing togas to serve the client. They could pour wine, rub some feet, whatevs. And I’m a firm believer that all shrubs should be nice and neat. Everybody wins! P.S. I don’t actually have to dig and plant stuff, do I? I’m more of an ideas person. May we blossom together, Suzi I think I have leadership abilities! Riot Games Riot Games was established in 2006 by entrepreneurial gamers who believe that player-focused game development can result in great games. In 2009, Riot released its debut title League of Legends to critical and player acclaim. As the most played PC game in the world, over 100 million play every month. As Country Manager based in Los Angeles, North America, you’ll lead and develop a team of professionals who’ll craft and execute overall Product, Publishing, Esports, and Operations strategy to enable immersive player experience for players for our North America region. Responsibilities: In alignment with the local leadership team, we create the strategic vision in Publishing and Esports for Riot Games in North America Be the face and voice of Riot NA, representing us with player communities, the media, government and trade assocations Role Requirements: You can make teams work excellent together. Provide them with vision, passion and support. You grow and guide personal development within your team. You organically build relationships with all type of partners Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear General, Would this be like a backup to the President and Vice President? Like third in charge? I know I have what it takes to manage something, because I was manager at Burger King for 3 days. I quit because all the grease was making me feel icky. So, I went to Old Navy instead. I had no idea the USA wanted to be a video game! Mind blown! I’m really good at Zelda, so this would be a breeze! I can’t wait to manage the USA and be the face of a nation! I’m torn between wearing a business suit and kitten heels, or something more cooler like a leather bodysuit. I’m good at role playing. I do it every night with my clients. Do I get a cover job so no one knows I’m manager of the USA, or do I get business cards made? Let’s talk soon, Manager Suzi OMG! I can be a spy! ALIAS Modeler $70/hour Contract About us: Design Consulting Group is made out of five different companies worldwide and is employing around 380 people. Our main competences are the complete processing of design projects from sketch to protyping, as well as being a major recruiting agent for the automotive design sector. We are always searching for innovation, constantly improving ourselves and we are completely passionate about what we do! Your tasks: Create interior and exterior design surfaces—and class-A surfaces for a premium OEM project Translate the design idea into a 3d model Read design sketches and develop surface solutions Your profile: Profound knowledge in Alias modelling Very good understanding of automotive design requirements Great feeling for aesthetic and technical requirements Suzi's Cover Letter:Hello, Secret Agent Man/Woman, I’m no fatty. My body is good. Not as great as Jennifer Gardner’s, but I don’t get any complaints. I could totally be her body double. Plus, my moms was gonna name me Sidney. I wish she would have… When I was a kid, I had design programs and stuff so I can recreate the entire cast! And, I can update their fashion for today. I’ve got style! I watched all 5 seasons of Alias. I know every episode. I’m, like, the Rainman of Alias. Oh, I saw you needed someone that gets automotive design. I do! I’ve always wanted to design a real-life bumper car so I can gently push drivers out of my way that go too slow. Cool, right? We can secretly meet to talk about the job. Just send me the code word! Suzi |
AuthorI'm just your average girl who wants a kick-ass life and... love! If I could be a superhero, that would be AWESOME! I'm currently a "phone actress" looking for a really cool career. Don't get me wrong-- I love giving a hand to dudes who need someone to chat with. Everybody needs somebody! But, my parents keep telling me I need a respectable job. Sigh. Archives
August 2022
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