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the crack files:
​Suzi sPEAKS

Just an average girl looking for her dream gig. Hit me up at: [email protected]

    JOIN THE FUNFORMATION MOVEMENT! 

    ​And don't worry. We won't spam you or sell your info. We don't have that kind of time... or motivation. 
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Moshed & Confused

7/27/2021

 

Music and fashion? I’m in!

Picture

THE LETTER:

Dear Sinfluencers,
​
The festival life is bomb! And I’m really good on the socials. All my bikini shots are lit with a ton of likes. And, I have extended music experience. I’ve DJed, and I had this band in high school called Bitches in Bras. We were punk rock.
 
Anywho, I could model your clothes and post stuff. And, I have great outfit ideas!
​
Rockin’ & Ravin’,
Suzi

THE JOB:

​Rave & Festival Clothing Brand Seeking Social Media Manager

iEDM.com
Job details
Salary: $650 - $900 a week/remote/part-time

Full Job Description
iEDM is seeking an experienced social media manager for a fully remote role managing social media operations for iEDM.com.

This is your opportunity to collaborate with an established brand in the music festival apparel space with 1,250,000+ followers, and to be part of one of the premiere EDM clothing companies in the nation. We have been featured on NBC, New York 1 and the The New York Times. Our clothes have been worn by the likes of Katie Perry, Orlando Bloom and many influencers and DJs.

A LITTLE MORE ABOUT US & THIS POSITION: Since our inception in 2014 iEDM.com has become one of the most recognized music festival and rave e-commerce retailers in the United States. We are looking to scale our social media engagement and expand our TikTok, Snapchat and Brand Ambassador operations.

iEDM takes price in our support for independent artists and in the thousands of creative styles we sell. We are seeking a candidate who can add an equal edge on the social media side facilitating brand growth and organic sales through our social media channels.

REQUIREMENTS:
Available to work 25-40 hours per week.

1+ years experience working in social media (besides personal accounts).

Well versed in creating social media app tools. Adobe studio familiarity is a plus.

A comprehension of social media analytics and scheduling apps.

Organized and punctual.
​
Minimum 2 yrs experience using the Google Docs & Google Sheets
​

Secretary Side Piece

7/20/2021

 

Lemme grab a pad and pen!

Picture

THE LETTER:

Dear Right-Hand People,
​
I can be so good at this, because I was class secretary in high school, and I look really good in glasses. Plus, I can rock a suit! I want to work close with the boss because you’ll learn everything, and I want a quality husband. Everybody knows the boss and the secretary hook up!

My auntie was a secretary and she married the boss. Now she’s all fat and livin’ large (3 XL), fanning herself with all kinds of cash. #goals
​
Transcribin’ & Vibin’,
Suzi

THE JOB:

​Executive Assistant

Twilio – California
Remote

Twilio is growing rapidly and seeking a forward-thinking and motivated Administrative Assistant to support key business executives on our Sales Team. If you are looking for an opportunity to demonstrate your organizational and strategic acumen while growing your administrative skills, you should look closely at this opportunity.

Who?
Twilio is looking for an Executive Assistant who lives the Twilio Magic and has a demonstrated track record of providing proactive calendar support, juggling multiple deliverables with competing deadlines, and taking effective action without knowing the full picture. They also have:

5+ years of administrative support experience where you've been responsible for scheduling and coordinating logistics for meetings, conferences, and special events (onsite & offsite), including ongoing department meetings and events.

Interest and ability to learn about Twilio's business and customers.
Ability to make good decisions in a fast-paced environment with changing priorities.

High level of integrity and discretion in handling confidential information.
Ability to balance the needs of multiple senior leaders and longer-term projects.

High attention to detail and consistent follow-up.

Flexibility to be available beyond normal office hours and support remote work and travel schedules.

Proficiency with Mac and the Google suite of business programs, especially Google calendar, mail, drive, docs, and sheets.

What?
As an Executive Assistant, you will execute on a variety of deliverables that may be short- or long-term and could land anywhere on the spectrum between tactical and strategic.

You will live the Twilio Magic values:
DRAW THE OWL: Manage domestic and international travel and process expense reports on behalf of your executives; organize and assist with special events, team activities, and successful meetings through research, participant coordination, material preparation, and logistics management.

BE AN OWNER: Supervise and help assist with the completion of key deliverables and follow up on outstanding items.

BE BOLD: Partner with your execs to understand their priorities and be a valuable liaison for them to ensure all needs are being met.

EMPOWER OTHERS: Act as a liaison for your executives' direct reports, building strong relationships across the organization to progress your executives' priorities and to help your executives maintain a realistic pulse on their teams' morale.

RUTHLESSLY PRIORITIZE: Manage multiple sophisticated calendars; understand executives' priorities in order to effectively address meeting requests.

Why?
You will be supporting key Twilio executives, advancing our charter, and having a positive impact on the working lives of our team members. We are a dynamic, collaborative team and this role is valued as a cornerstone to our success and growth. You will also be joining a diverse and supportive administrative community composed of top-notch administrative business partners of all levels, providing a unique opportunity to develop your administrative skills and experience and to help others to do the same.

Twilio is a company that is empowering the world's developers with modern communication in order to build better applications. Twilio is truly unique; we are a company committed to your growth, your learning, your development, and your entire employee experience. We only win when our employees succeed, and we're dedicated to helping you develop your strengths. We have a cultural foundation built on diversity, inclusion, and innovation, and we want you and your ideas to thrive at Twilio.

Where?
We employ diverse talent from all over the world, and we believe great work can be done anywhere. Around the world, Twilio offers benefits and perks to support the physical, financial, and emotional well-being of you and your loved ones. No matter where you are based, you will experience a company that believes in small teams for maximum impact; seeks well-rounded talent to ensure a full perspective on our customers' experience, understands that this is a marathon, not a sprint; that continuously and purposefully builds an inclusive culture that empowers everyone to do their best work and be the best version of themselves.
​

Ghost Whisperer

7/13/2021

 

Bootastic!

Picture

THE LETTER:

Dear Spooksters,
​
​I love haunted stuff! And I’m so adventurous. I once had sex (okay, five times) in a cemetery. It was like a spirit orgy! I feel because of that, I really have a post-normal connection.
I’m good with people, and I’m creative, and I’m on my phone all the time. Hello, Selfie Queen and phone actress!

Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde,
Suzi​

THE JOB:

​Paranormal Tour Guide/Entertainer

American Ghost Adventures - Orlando, FL
Job Type: Part-time, $30/day

Full Job Description
Our company is looking to hire one or two tour guides for our year-round ghost tour in downtown Orlando. The preferred candidate LIVES CLOSE to downtown Orlando. We are looking for that "normal" person with extraordinary taste for adventure. This a part-time position and you will rotate shifts with other tour guides. You MUST BE AVAILABLE at night. Must be 21 or older to qualify.

There are specific things we are looking for. Someone that: 1. Has a passion for the paranormal/Is not afraid of the paranormal 2. Understands that this is not St. Augustine or New Orleans so this NOT a full time position 3. Can TALK and PROJECT his/her voice and talk in front of people. We want that positive person that shows passion when telling a story. Can tell a story and capture their audience! You will be asked to do this as part of your telephone interview 4. Can entertain groups and socialize well with the public. We do media interviews all the time so you have to be outgoing and be able to hold a conversation. 5. Lives near downtown Orlando and has NO transportation issues. Doesn't depend on another person for a ride and answers their cell phone. 6. Is a self-starter and is responsible. CAN follow instructions and is detail-oriented ***** Can be creative and improvise on the spot! 7. Answers their cell phone and is flexible. 8. Willing to learn and can memorize information. 9. Has a sense of humor and can witty on the spot. You don't have to believe in the paranormal. The ideal person just has to be able to entertain people and ensure they are having a good time. 10. Takes the time to look at our website and is informed about the company when a phone interview is conducted.

If this sounds like you, please email the 3 items:

A paragraph/essay on why you want to be a tour guide, 2. A resume, and 3. A headshot that will be used on our website. (you can look on our website for examples) 4. Answer your phone for the phone interview! Please understand that WE WILL CONTACT YOU if we are interested in your resume. Please, NO PHONE CALLS regarding the job posting. Pay is $30 for a 2-hour tour + merchandise commission and tips.
​

Scared Stiff

7/6/2021

 

I love Halloween!

Picture

THE LETTER:

Dear Screamers,

First of all, Halloween should be a national holiday. Second of all, Halloween brings out the whore in everyone.

I was in a lot of high school plays and was known for my method acting. I had to play a hooker in one play, so I banged three dudes. And I made them pay me.

I wanted to go to Hollywood, but I didn’t want to compromise my standards. Ick.

P.S. Elvira is so hot, even though she’s old. Can I play her, even though I’m young?

Blair Witchin’ & Twistin’,
Suzi

THE JOB:

​Haunted Attraction Scare Actor

Treadway Events & Entertainment LLC - Ridgefield, WA

Salary:
$50 a day/PT
REPORTS TO: Show Manager

SUMMARY: We are searching for trained, adaptable Actors to perform in our Halloween production as “Scare Actors”. The Scare Actor will be required to gain an intimate understanding of their character, study all lines and directions, and then proceed to perform nightly, on weekends over the course of five weekends in October with the sole purpose of startling and scaring paid guests from a COVID-19 safe distance.

To ensure success as a Scare Actor, you should be able to discern whether to display strict adherence to the script or to improvise. A memorable Actor will feed off the team's energy to produce realistic and terrifying performances.

DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES:
Creating a character and owning every aspect of it from voice to movement style.

Developing dialogue that adheres to the character you are portraying.
Attending small group meetings and dress rehearsals ahead of the show dates.
Heeding instruction regarding your movement and acting from the Show Director.

Performing in each show for the entire duration.

Ability to stay in character when communicating with the audience.

Representing our team at press-related events.

Pitching new ideas that seem appropriate for our show.
​

    Author

    I'm just your average girl who wants a kick-ass life and... love! If I could be a superhero, that would be AWESOME! I'm currently a "phone actress" looking for a really cool career. Don't get me wrong-- I love giving a hand to dudes who need someone to chat with. Everybody needs somebody! But, my parents keep telling me I need a respectable job.  Sigh.

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