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CRACK WISE MAG

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​Suzi sPEAKS

Just an average girl looking for her dream gig. Hit me up at: [email protected]

    JOIN THE FUNFORMATION MOVEMENT! 

    ​And don't worry. We won't spam you or sell your info. We don't have that kind of time... or motivation. 
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Creamed

10/13/2020

 
​Me and Homer Simpson love the same thing—donuts!

​Donut Tour Guide

Underground Donut Tour – Chicago, IL
Part-time/$25 an hour

Underground Donut Tour is Hiring!
Are you a people person who loves donuts? Do you love showing off your city? Are you looking for a low stress job that feels like you're just hanging out with friends? If so, you might be right for this position.

The Underground Donut Tour is currently hiring in Chicago. In business for over 5 years, the Underground Donut Tour is quickly becoming one of the country’s most popular food tours (Chicago, Philadelphia, New York, Portland and Seattle). A two hour walking food tour that stops at several of the best donut shops in downtown Chicago.

In order to apply for this position, you should be:
Self-motivated and ready to try new things

A friendly, jovial person with a positive attitude

Able to meet, greet, and speak in front of groups with ease

An excellent communicator who can clearly enunciate and project your voice

Able to think on your feet and adapt to different situations quickly and easily

Able to keep a groups attention and entertain/educate them with fun facts about the tour and your city

Able to interact with various types of people and personalities with ease

Able to work weekends, and potentially Thursday or Friday as needed

Able to follow a specific routine/path to ensure consistency and quality of the tour experience

Able to present yourself in a positive, well-groomed manner to project an enjoyable, family friendly brand for the Underground Donut Tour

Comfortable standing and walking for 2+ hours while leading the tour

Legally authorized to work in the US

Additional items that are preferred, but not required:
You work in tourism, hospitality, theater, entertainment, comedy, or a related industry

You have easy access to your own transportation or public transportation, so you can pick up tours on short notice
​
You have some knowledge about donuts, pastries, confections, or other desserts

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear Donutters,

Do I love donuts or what!?!? I eat them. I make them. I buy them… and there isn’t a cream stick I won’t shove in my mouth. The donut, too! I’m really good with people, and I when I was little, I pretended to be one of the girls on The Price Is Right that looks all bangin’ and knows how to show off the products. It’s like it’s meant to be!

Plus, all that walking around will burn off the calories eating all those yummy donuts. So this is a fitness thing and a food thing, which is fantastic!

P.S. One time I made a doughkini—a bikini made from donuts—for a party. Let’s just say it was a hit!
Glazed and Confused,
Suzi


Thankful

9/15/2020

 
​Every day, I wake up with thanks and stuff!

Gratitude Ambassador

SendThanksNow -- Chicago, IL
Remote
Part-time, Contract, Commission/Pay: $10.00 - $25.00 per hour

SendThanksNow is seeking Ambassadors to amplify our voice and help build a more grateful world. Since launching our beta platform, STN has been rapidly growing our community of users. We believe that everyone deserves thanks and we need your help to pay it forward.

Gratitude Ambassadors will be responsible for promoting our brand. You may use your own personal creativity to spread gratitude in order to build the community. Ambassadors will also have access to the SendThanksNow Team and internally developed collateral.

The STN platform utilizes Hearts (1 Heart = 1 cent) plus messages, pictures, and videos to send gratitude. Ambassadors will be given thousands of Hearts to give away as the main method of community recruitment. Every Heart has a story and Ambassadors will help share them.
​
Learn more here: https://sendthanksnow.com/about
Watch our explainer: https://youtu.be/v_6hrR3ENvo

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear Tuders,

OMG! I am always thankful and always telling people thankful and always talking about what I’m thankful for. So to make a living being thankful… GAH!
I’m thankful for (Top 5 in no order):
Thongs
Puppies
Makeup
Queso
Hot dogs

And that whole one heart is one cent. It’s like selling candy bars at school! I love the thought of giving everyone a heart on!

Full Hearts,
Suzi


Meter Maid

9/8/2020

 
​I mean, Asians have been known to be maids, so…

Meter Reader

Forsyth County – Cumming, GA
$30,295 annual salary

Job Summary
Locates water meters on established routes and within designated timeframes; plans efficient meter-reading route to correspond with account sequence on billing reports; drives utility truck to conduct meter-reading activities.

Reads water meters; enters water consumption data from meter into handheld computerized meter reading device; records data and confirms accuracy of readings; sequences accounts into proper order.

Tests meters to ensure proper operations and accurate readings; inspects/observes condition of meters; checks meters for leaks or illegal taps; reports any necessary repair/maintenance work.

Disconnects or reconnects water service as appropriate; turns on meters to establish water service to new customers; turns off meters to close accounts or to troubleshoot leaks.

Performs customer service functions; provides assistance and information related to meters, consumption, leaks, department procedures, or other issues; responds to routine questions, complaints, or requests for service; initiates problem resolution.

Performs manual work associated with meter reading and maintenance activities; digs around meter boxes and removes dirt/debris; pumps water from meter boxes and determines source of leaks; cleans meter boxes and glass to obtain accurate reading; removes and replaces broken meter boxes/lids; shovels materials.

Operates a variety of equipment and tools associated with meter reading activities, which may include a utility truck, radio communications equipment, handheld computerized meter reading device, meter locator, probing rod, water pump, pipe wrench, shovel, or mechanic tools.

Performs general/preventive maintenance tasks necessary to keep equipment in operable condition, which may include inspecting equipment, refueling vehicles, checking/replacing fluids, greasing equipment, washing/cleaning equipment, or cleaning work areas; monitors equipment operations to maintain efficiency and safety; reports faulty equipment.

Follows safety procedures, utilizes safety equipment, and monitors work environment to ensure safety of employees, the public, and other individuals.
Prepares or completes various forms, reports, correspondence, lost meter reports, no-backflow reports, illegal hookup reports, stolen property reports, vehicle maintenance reports, timesheets, or other documents.

Receives various forms, reports, correspondence, meter route books, receipts, maps, manuals, reference materials, or other documentation; reviews, completes, processes, forwards or retains as appropriate.

Assists in maintaining inventory of division supplies; ensures availability of adequate materials to conduct work activities; initiates requests for new/replacement materials; picks up supplies as needed.

Communicates via telephone and/or two-way radio; provides information and assistance; records/relays messages; responds to requests for service or assistance.
​
Communicates with supervisor, employees, other departments, customers, the public, and other individuals as needed to coordinate work activities, review status of work, exchange information, or resolve problems.

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear Maids a Milking,
​
It has always been my dream to wear a uniform. And I already have a French maid one in my closet! It’s my most popular one! How cute would I look riding around on my pink sparkle scooter checking out meters? (Please say I can have a pink sparkle scooter!!!)
I’m good with coins and my penmanship is awesome, so writing tickets would be like little works of art.

P.S. Do I have to clean stuff, too?

​Maid for This,
Suzi

Beauty Boss

9/2/2020

 
​​We’re all beautiful! I want to bring it out!

​Beauty Advisor

OVERVIEW
Experience a place of energy, passion, and excitement. A place where the joy of discovery and uncommon artistry blend to create exhilarating buying experiences—for true beauty enthusiasts. At Ulta Beauty, we’re transforming the world one shade, one lash, one cut at a time. Because beauty is powerful.
If you seek greater purpose—a place of vision, mission, and lived values—where voices are heard, contributions valued and recognized and growth opportunities abound, consider Ulta Beauty. Nowhere else are the possibilities quite this beautiful.
​
THE IMPACT YOU CAN HAVE:
Welcome to an exciting future in the retail beauty industry! As a Beauty Advisor at Ulta Beauty, you will be the first point of contact for our guest Beauty Enthusiasts, setting and exceeding their expectations for the beauty journey they’re about to experience within your store. As the initial face of the Ulta Beauty brand, you will have the opportunity to put your passion for beauty on full display, while ensuring that everything in the store is clean, fully stocked and ready to “wow” guests and other associates.

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear Face Saviors,

Ulta is like Heaven on Earth to me! I remember when one opened up near me—I cried. Tears of complete joy! Plus, I envision myself wearing that cool black smock with some booty-poppin’ jeans and smart, sassy heels. My hair in a classic French twist, and my makeup—of course—on point.

I’m really good at doing makeup. All my friends asked me to be their beauty advisor, so It’s, like, natural that I do it and make money. Because paying me in wine is fun until the rent’s due, yo!

This is some makeup I did for my friend Sara who had to go to court on some b.s. prostitution charge. She wanted a dramatic look, so...​
​Beautiful Faces and Beautiful Queens,
Suzi   
    

Movin' & Chaka-in'

8/20/2020

 
​Let me rock, ya, Chaka Khan!

​Script writer / Voice over

SHAKAWEAR – Los Angeles, CA
Remote/Contract
​
Looking for a gifted individual with script writing and voice over experience to write, edit storyboards, video scripts and other documentation for a streetwear company located in Los Angeles. Ideal candidates can tackle the process of discussing many facets of the apparel/streetwear industry by creating short videos and performing the voice over. You will work as part of a team of apparel experts and graphic designers to develop the training videos. Must have strong writing experience, sense of humor, a strong work ethic and a team player.

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear Rattlers,

I am all about shaking and rattling. I’ve been a fidget my whole life, and I got some juice in the streets. Everybody knows Suzi S and what I’m about. Which is keepin’ it real on the DL. Fo shizzle. I’m known for my style and my can do attitude. And I talk good and stuff. I do have phone acting experience and my results are always A+. I know that being an influence is something I can do in my sleep, but since this is all active and stuff I won’t be sleeping on the job.
​
Plus, I’m so pumped that Chaka Khan has her own shapewear. She’s booty-tastic and so cool!
​


Shaka, Rattle and Wear,
Suzi


Bless the Rains

8/13/2020

 
​OMG! I love Toto!

Associate Editor 

Associate Editor, Africa
Remote/Contract

About Us
Our news team covers the most meaningful issues in the world, from eradicating malaria and polio to fighting climate change to ending poverty in our time. Our news team gets to know some of the most inspiring leaders in the world, from heads of state to celebrities to philanthropists to aid workers making a difference on the ground. Our journalists and editors produce original news stories, features, interviews, investigations, multimedia projects, OpEds, and online events and have a sustainable business model to do it. Professionals at NGOs like Save the Children, CARE, and the Gates Foundation rely on us to be in-the-know.

Job Description
About You
Do you have at least five years of journalism and editing experience? Are you based in the Africa region and willing to work remotely? Are you an energetic editor who works well across time zones on a variety of topics? Are you excited to be a part of a global, mission-driven company that has an open, teamwork-focused culture? Read on.
​
You're ambitious, detail-oriented, and have an open and collaborative attitude. You thrive in an environment where you're responsible for your work (but you get the support you need). You are a reliable multi-tasker who can smoothly juggle working with reporters and freelancers in a variety of locations who are writing about diverse topics, as well as taking on reporting projects of your own. You know the best way to explain complicated stories and are always looking to uncover new talent.

Suzi's Cover Letter

Dear African Africans,

I listen to that Yacht Rock station all the time when my mom’s in the car, cuz that’s her music. Something about one night with Bobby Preston in his backseat with something about “pink” and “stink”. Whatever. 
​
Anywho, mom said I was conceived while she was listening to “Africa” and I guess that’s why I love that song, cuz it’s in my jeans!

I love everything about Toto and Africa. I could write all kinds of stories about it: the drums echoing through the night; the rains; moonlit wings; wild dogs cry out in the night.

I’m perfect for this job! I can even draw a picture of Africa in my sleep!
​


Kilimanjaro Rising,
Suzi


Trivial Suzi

6/15/2020

 
​I’m so good at trivia!

​Trivia Host

Game Night Live – Boise, ID
Part-time/Contract $25/hr

Our ideal Host (MUST have reliable transportation, be 21+ and have a reliable laptop).

Is comfortable speaking to an assembly of happy beer-fueled trivia, sports and/or music fans over a microphone

Has a strong speaking voice

Can potentially host at least a show or two every week

Added bonuses: Quick wit, basic computer skills, and ability to multi-task
 
A typical GNL night includes. . .
Meeting new people and making friends

Creating a playlist of fun music

Engaging and entertaining the players . . .all while running an efficient game
 
How it works. . .
We supply our Hosts with the games and equipment they need to host GNL events

We provide our Hosts with a location to host weekly GNL events at.

Our Hosts provide a laptop, some fun tunes, and their stellar personalities.
​
Our Hosts are awesomely fun at these shows, getting teams to come back for more every week.
 
We pay a minimum of $45 for each show, and more for shows with better attendance.
 
This is an outstanding way to get out of the house, meet new people, and stack some extra spending cash on the side. If you only want to make a quick buck, work at a bar so you can drink, or are just a general nincompoop, then this job is not right for you.

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear Night Gamers…

Who doesn’t like to play games? Seriously! And a place where you can drink! First of all, I’m great with trivia:

Q: What’s black and white and read all over?
A: A newspaper!


Besides my awesome trivia brain, I’m great with people. I was a cheerleader in high school; I’m pro at dancing on bars; and people like me! My phone actress business is successful, but I need to spread my wings and grow into a real career. Like trivia night! I mean, I could go on to hosing a game show on TV as a result!

And think of all the cute outfits I could wear. I’ve got some killer leather shorts that I like to wear with a matching bikini top. If I wear a blazer with it, that makes it professional. Because my moms says a blazer makes any outfit professional.

The Hostess with the Mostess,
Suzi


Always Sunny

5/18/2020

 
​I’ve always wanted to be meteorite!

​Weekend Evening Meteorologist – KSHB

Do you want to provide weather forecasts for a Super Bowl winning football team? Helping hundreds of thousands of fans plan their tailgate parties this fall!
 
KSHB, the Scripps NBC Station in Kansas City, and new media partner of the Kansas City Chiefs is seeking an aggressive and experienced Meteorologist for our weekend evening newscasts. In addition you will be the face of our heavily equipped (including radar) “Storm Tracker” vehicle chasing down severe weather and providing live reports from the field.
 
We seek someone who is a social media rock star and understands the power of proving content to all platforms that not only informs but will engage our viewers. We want someone ready to invest and grow with a station that has a lot of momentum in the market and can help take our weather coverage to new levels.
 
You Will:
Prepare and deliver daily weathercasts utilizing all available weather data and graphics computers.

Prepare and deliver urgent weather updates interrupting regular programming as necessary.

Prepare and deliver all weathercast materials over a variety of mediums, including, but not limited to: TV, Radio, Internet, Newspaper.
​
Receives assignment or evaluates news leads and news tips to develop story ideas.
 
You Bring:
At least 3-years of TV Meteorologist experience.
 
Computer literacy required, including weather and newsroom computer systems.
 
Knowledge of broadcast quality camera equipment.
 
Knowledge of Final Cut Pro editing systems, or similar editing equipment.
 
Strong broadcast and AP style writing skills.

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear Sky Watchers,

My friends have always told me that I should do TV, and that weather stuff would be perfect for me. My favorite movie has always been To Die For. I wanted to be Nicole Kidman so bad and do the weather like her. She looked so good and had the best outfits!

I’ve been practicing for years in front of a mirror and pretending to point at stuff that really isn’t there, so my game is strong. In the third grade, I won Best Drawing during Tornado Safety Week. And our local TV weather dude was a judge and said I was so cute. Destiny, I believe it is!

My philosophy with the weather is to always say it will be partly cloudy. Because if the sun shines, bonus! And if it’s kinda cloudy, then I was right!

​Warm Hearts and Warm Fronts,
Suzi

Drivin' You Crazy

5/11/2020

 
I love big black… cars!

Personal Chauffeur ​

Advocacy Unlimited, Inc
We are in need of Personal Chauffeur's applying for this role will be providing friendly, professional and reliable service. The right candidates will need to consult maps or navigation devices for desired routes, checking radio or online traffic and weather reports for departure and destination locations. Advise employer or passenger of potential or existing adverse conditions and suggest alternative routes or travel time adjustments. Keeping vehicles clean and ensuring that they are mechanically sound is a plus.

Job Types: Full-time, Part-time

Salary: $550.00 to $800.00 /week

Experience:
transportation: 1 year (Preferred)
professional driving: 1 year (Preferred)
driving: 1 year (Preferred)
limo driver: 1 year (Preferred)
city knowledge: 1 year (Preferred)
​
Additional Compensation:
Tips
Commission
Bonuses

Suzi's Cover Letter:

Dear Driving Divas,

I’ve always loved road trips. It’s my favorite way to travel! Crank up the tunes, roll the windows down, pop dem bottles! Woot! Of course, I won’t be popping bottles while driving—except for clients.

I can bring extra fun to chauffeuring, because I learned how to do all kinds of things while behind the wheel. I can put on my makeup, eat dinner, lead everyone in some karaoke… Plus, I’d look totally stylin’ in a chauffer’s cap and black suit. Except my suit would either be a skirt of shorts and a blazer. Maybe I’ll paint a shirt on underneath, depending on the occasion of the trip.
​

Fun!
Stretched and Ready,
Suzi

Love Boat

4/21/2020

 
​​This is a dream job!

​Cruise Director

American Cruise Lines – Phoenix, AZ
Overview:
The Cruise Director is the most visible advocate for guests and is responsible for creating a fun atmosphere on board while engaging guests at all times through a series of activities, shows, events, presentations and socializing throughout the cruise. The Cruise Director manages the entertainment, presentations, activities, events and communications on board. This leadership role requires an energetic, creative, talented individual with previous cruise/resort experience, extraordinarily polished presentation skills, collaborative approach, team spirit, and a passion for guest satisfaction.

Responsibilities:
Schedule and execute engaging entertainment, enrichment and activity programs that enhance and elevate the guest experience.

Effectively communicate to guests via the shipboard daily program, television, stage, public address system and one-on-one interaction and socialization.

Socialize with guests at every opportunity including, but not limited to, meal times and cocktail hour.

Greet guests as they depart for and return from shore excursions.

Make daily Noon announcement/update; make every effort to make all PA announcements as the “voice” of the cruise.

Meet with Excursions Director, Guest Speakers, Guest Instructors and Resident Entertainers at the start of every cruise to review scheduling.

Create the daily Ship To Shore

Host Officer Introduction and Excursion Briefing.

Assist in the delivery of the Safety Briefing with the Captain

Ensure lounges are prepared for activities, events, presentations and shows (lounge configuration, A/V requirements, etc.).

Confirm entertainers 48-hours in advance; assist entertainers and onboard speakers A/V needs.

Create and update bulletin board daily.

Work with Excursions Director to prepare folders and materials for turnaround day.

Act as company representative at pre-cruise hotels on turnaround day.

Promote onboard sales and brand loyalty by hosting re-booking events.
​
Oversee proper VIP guest service delivery.

Communicate and report regularly to the Home Office as to the status of the cruise, guest issues and recovery, and the evaluations of Guest Speakers, Instructors and Entertainers.

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear Cruisers,

This opportunity is sooo me. When my gramps used to babysit me, we used to watch that old show The Love Boat. I always wanted to be Julie the Cruise Director. So cute and fun! That’s me!

I’m great at planning activities and parties. How about these ideas?

Adult ring toss: after hours, using a man’s “rod” as the rod…

Beer pong on the lido deck

Skinny Dipping with Suzi

I could even create a drink special of the day: The Rum Roofie!

​Can’t wait to chat with you!

Cuisin’ & Boozin’,
Suzi

    Author

    I'm just your average girl who wants a kick-ass life and... love! If I could be a superhero, that would be AWESOME! I'm currently a "phone actress" looking for a really cool career. Don't get me wrong-- I love giving a hand to dudes who need someone to chat with. Everybody needs somebody! But, my parents keep telling me I need a respectable job.  Sigh.

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