the crack files:
Suzi sPEAKS
Just an average girl looking for her dream gig. Hit me up at: [email protected]
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I’ve got total wonderlust! And I could buy cute pink luggage! After Hours Corporate Travel Consultant- Virtual American Express Global Business Travel We are seeking AFTER HOURS Travel Counselors/Consultants whose duties will include executive servicing of our client’s Senior Leaders inclusive of the C-Level executives. Respond positively to customers by making reservations for business travelers accurately and efficiently. Ensure customer traveler profiles and details are accurate; build & maintain booker stars Make recommendations for improvements processes, technical or otherwise, to ensure maximum quality and efficiency. Flag issues for resolution to team leader Requirements: GDS system experience is REQUIRED (Sabre or Apollo) Designated home office space is REQUIRED Suzi's Cover Letter:Dearest PIC (person in charge), First of all, I do my best work after hours. If you look at my resume, you’ll see that I am a phone actress AFTER HOURS. Like, that is so on the same wavelength. Right? I looked at your job posting, and there are so many ways this job is a perfect fit for me. When you talk about “executive servicing”, that’s right up my alley. I’m used to servicing dudes, and some chicks, too. No judgement here. And I’ll be working with C-Level executives. I got sees in school! I also noticed that my job would let me “build & maintain booker stars”. The thought of booking stars? YESSS! Plus, when it comes to flagging things, I could get those cute little drink umbrella things. Gotta have some style and flair! I will be honest here. I’m not good with GDS, but I can follow GPS. And when it comes to Sabre, I love their hummus! The spicy hummus is my total favs. And to show my dedication, I will turn my entire basement into a mock airplane so I can channel good travel vibes. I will put in a cocktail bar and a bed area—in case the pilot and the flight attendants want to bang it out. I hope to talk to you soon about when I can start! Suzi I wasn’t around when the song was first out, but “We Are The World” is one of my favorites. Lionel Richie had a nice mustache, and the song really touched my heart. Yeah. Public Information Assistant/United Nations Temporary position This position is located in the Social Media Section of the Digital and Promotion Branch in the News and Media Division, Department of Public Information, The Section is responsible for devising, implementing and managing the multilingual social media strategy of the Department, in line with its overall communications guidance, priorities and messaging. Responsibilities Provides specialized assistance in the production and delivery of information communications products and services. Develops data collection mechanisms to gather data on the audience and end-users of UN audio/visual products. Participates in planning and execution of live content or recording of content; directs camera crews filming outside headquarters on location. Organizes and executes special events, coordinating with diverse partners and the media to highlight and publicize key events. Suzi's Cover Letter:Greetings, World Leaders! I really want to make a difference in the world, and do something that matters, so let’s hookup! I’m very diverse, just like y’all! I speak a couple of languages: English, a little Spanish, and I’m fluent in Pig Latin. Throughout my life, I’ve privately called myself the “U.N. of Mankind.” Because, I’ve “enjoyed” boys from different cultures. You’ve got to sample the cuisine of the world! I’m also very social media savvy. My goal is to become “verified” so that I can one day be an influencer. I’m determined to get that blue checkmark. Is there a U.N. verified? I’m really excited to be a professional, especially when it comes to wardrobe. I see myself wearing really cool suits, sleek hairstyles, and glasses. I don’t need glasses, but I think they make people look smart and stuff. Arriva derchie! Ambassador Suzi Trains are a family thing. This is super terrific! Train Crew $60,000 per year for the first two years, plus benefits Essential Job Functions Ensure safe, on-time/on-plan train operation and movement in compliance with company and Federal rules and instructions. Accountabilities Responsible for train operation and movement. Includes: operate locomotive equipment including through the use of a remote control device. Coupling air hoses. Uncoupling cars. Riding rail cars and climbing onto equipment. Follow safety precautions. Required Applicants must be 18 years of age or older. Must have a valid driver’s license. Develop and maintain positive working relationships with coworkers, supervisors, contractors and/or customers and effectively handle conflict situations. Ability to speak English in a clear, concise manner in order to communicate with coworkers, and supervisors. Suzi's Cover Letter:Hello, Kinda Vagabonds! Trains are a family thing! I’m so looking forward to meeting you in person to talk about your opening. My gramps has the coolest train track in his basement. Like, it takes up the whole basement. And my sister is an expert at pulling a train. So, this is meant to be! I have excellent technique with hoses. Just ask my first high school boyfriend, Ben. He was very pleased with my natural abilities. Plus, I have no problem riding things. I could go all day! I was wondering if I’ll get a chance to meet Gwyneth Paltrow. I see uncoupling is involved. She’s great at that! Also, there will be no problem when it comes to safety. Like Julia Roberts said in the movie “Pretty Woman”—I’m a safety girl! It’s really important. Do I get to blow the whistle? That would be so much fun. See ya soon! Suzi P.S. Do I get to wear a conductor’s hat and overalls? Because overalls are back in fashion. All those pockets are useful, plus I look super cute in hats. Just ask my friends as references. I loooove animals soooo much! Dog Walker/Pet Sitter (redacted) Pet Sitting $18 - $22 an hour/Part-time Do you love animals? Looking for a fun and rewarding way to make some extra money? Do you need a permanent part-time job? Must have availability Mon-Fri 9 am to 4 pm. This is a great opportunity if you love animals, enjoy working outdoors and being independent. You must be available to work on holidays. This job is perfect for those who are self-employed with a flexible schedule, work from home, freelancers, retirees, or homemakers who have flexibility in their schedule. Job Responsibilities: Walking dogs Providing food and water for all pets; scooping litter boxes; cleaning bird cages Performing basic home chores such as bringing in mail and newspapers, bringing in trash containers, altering lights and blinds Providing well-written legible notes regarding details of visit Requirements: This is a PERMANENT part-time position. Pet care experience is preferred but not required. Suzi's Cover Letter:Hi, There! Did you know that my peeps call me the Dog Whisperer? Like Seezar Millan, but female—and cooler. Sorry, dude. I love fur babies, especially since I don’t have an kids of my own yet. My sister has handled that. She has three kids from three different dads. I can keep my legs shut. I use mine for walking… dogs! See? Since I work from home as a phone actress, I have plenty of time to take care of my four-footed clients (and two winged.) Plus, when I walk the dogs, I will walk really sassy. Which will be good for business, because dudes will come up to me. Then I’ll tell them all about your company! I’m good with chores. My room was always clean when I was a kid, and I actually like the kitchen. And, I’m very good with writing notes. I have the cutest stationary, because unlike other people my age, I like to actually write. With my hands. And a pen. I will leave the best, detailed notes: Dear Molly, I brought in your mail. You should really think about debt consolidation. I’m here to help! I noticed that you don’t have a fruit bowl on the counter. Fruit is really important! Fluffy was really good on her walk. She took the biggest poop on the neighbor’s lawn. Wow. Might want to consider organic dog food. I picked up her doodie and left in the garage for you, in case you want to examine it. Hugs, Suzi See? I’d be awesome for this job! Sincerely yours, Suzi I have so much experience for this job! Yes! (redacted) Brand Champion – New York City, NY Company Overview: (redacted) Agency is an integrated engagement focused marketing agency committed to thinking boundary-less and innovating to empower others. We are industry experts who curate creative experiences that drive brand adoption, challenge the status quo, and spark movements. We look for passionate and talented people with integrity and an entrepreneurial spirit to join our movement. Apply today to become a part of our fun, challenging, and dynamic (redacted) family. Job Summary: The (redacted) brand champion is a dedicated brand resource in the division, anchored in a focus market, responsible for driving the (redacted) Family of Brands focus. Responsibilities include local implementation of national brand programs and development of regional opportunities to drive business with consumers and trade. This person will collaborate with key distributor contacts, whiskey ambassadors, bartenders and mixologists, production/event organizers and key accounts. Major Responsibilities/Activities: Execution and education of brand at consumer and trade events in market. Events include music festivals, venue activation, sporting events, bartender events, and more. Facilitate Home-place visits for market customers and guests. Requirements: Creative thinker with an ability to plan and create events that incorporate multiple media/channel consumer touch-points Sound Financial Skills: experience managing a budget Willingness to work unconventional hours (late nights and weekends) Ability to focus and be flexible in pressure situations and resolve conflicts Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Kind People, I believe I was born to be a brand ambassador. Ambassadors are such awesome people who make everyone happy. That’s me! I love talking about stuff that I believe in. Like, I tell everyone they should use the Flawless Face hair removal shaver because my mom doesn’t have a hairy face anymore! And now, a lot of people don’t because I tell everyone about it! And I love hanging out at sporting events and bars and especially music festivals. I have this great idea for a music festival called HoeChella. It’s a music festival for hoes, with hoes-only artists. My only concern is that we might all end up on our periods at the same time and then we’ll all be bitchy and not have any fun. But I’m willing to take that chance. As your brand ambassador, I would wear a lot of leather. I think leather fits your drink. I’m good with money. I bank half the money I make, then spend the rest to add to my Funko Pop collection. Smart! When it comes to arguments, I’m always the peacemaker. My sister is a complete idiot, and my parents are always yelling at her. I tell my parents to stop because my sister is a lost cause, so why get your blood pressure up. Just let her find a sugar daddy and be gone! Conflict resolved! I’m flexible for sure. I did gymnastics for a couple of years. And, I already work late night hours on the phone! So, call me! I believe in my heart of hearts that we’d be a good fit. Cheers! Suzi I love winter! I actually love all seasons because they’re each awesome in their own special way. So this job would be so cool! Snow Reporter (redacted) located in (redacted) is gracious in ambiance and generous in amenities. A favorite retreat of presidents, poets and celebrities, the hotel delights every sense with enchanting music, refined dining and luxurious décor. Job Description Report daily snow conditions in various means, including but not limited to the website, internal reporting, snow phone, etc. Responsibilities Prepare timely snow condition reports in morning and afternoon and distribute all reports to internal departments, and external websites. Update the snow phone in the morning and afternoon. Shoot daily photos of mountain activities and upload onto company website, external websites, and email copies to outside marketing parties. Gather guest contact information for Guest Research Survey purposes. Qualifications Must have exceptional communication skills. Must be able to ski/snowboard at least at an intermediate level. Must be able to work flexible hours, including weekends and holidays. Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Sir/Sirs or Madam (not in the prostitute kind of way), I like winter because I’m one of the few people whose skin looks good and my cheeks get the perfect shade of pink! So, this job is right up a mountain for me. Get it? Mountain, snow, skiing! This opening would give me the perfect excuse to buy cute ski clothes. I love the whole ski lodge/ski slope fashion. I would totally rock one of those big fluffy hats and UGGs. I’m really good with snow. I used to make snow forts and pretend I lived all by myself to escape my nasty, skanky sister. Those were the days. Oh, I can snowboard. I once entered a bikini snowboard competition and I was awesome snowboarding until my boobie popped out. And it was flopping around. And I was afraid of getting frostbite. But other than that it was super duper. And I’ve always wanted to be a reporter. Can I carry around a microphone just for funsies? We could call my reports: Suzi’s Snow Job. Yay! Oh, I’m a good communicator cuz I’m sharing all this stuff with you. I’m an open book! I just had a great idea! I think we should think outside the box. Some people like to get frisky in the snow I guess to make body heat so they don’t get hypothermatic. We should photograph that, too, cuz it’s like an unofficial first aid tip. Right? I can’t wait to chat with you. Hugs & Hot Chugs, Suzi |
AuthorI'm just your average girl who wants a kick-ass life and... love! If I could be a superhero, that would be AWESOME! I'm currently a "phone actress" looking for a really cool career. Don't get me wrong-- I love giving a hand to dudes who need someone to chat with. Everybody needs somebody! But, my parents keep telling me I need a respectable job. Sigh. Archives
August 2022
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