the crack files:
Suzi sPEAKS
Just an average girl looking for her dream gig. Hit me up at: [email protected]
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This is a big girl job that’s totally cool!  Joseph De Heer Curator of Asian Art Joseph De Heer Curator of Asian Art Denver Art Museum Inc – Denver, CO Salary/$80,000 - $100,000/year Full Job Description The Denver Art Museum (DAM) seeks a dynamic and experienced individual to lead the museum’s Asian art department to a higher level of regional, national, and international prominence. Qualified candidates are expected to exemplify the DAM’s internal values, which include being dynamic, respectful, inclusive, creative, and curious. The ability to maintain effective and positive working relationships with visitors, employees, volunteers, representatives of public and private entities, policy-making bodies, and contractors is critical to the success of this position. DAM’s Asian art collection includes about 7,000 items, ranging in age from antiquity to modern days, and spanning the entire Asian continent - Turkey, South Asia and East Asia – along with Islamic art. A reinstallation of the Asian permanent collection is underway in the newly renovated Martin Building and 22,000 square feet of exhibition space will open to the public in the fall of 2021. Of that, 5,000 square feet will be available for temporary exhibitions. The collection is particularly strong in Chinese art and the incoming curator should have a strong expertise in Chinese art. However, given the collection’s breadth, the incoming curator must also serve as a generalist, lifting up all aspects of the collection. The curator will come with active networks in both the U.S. and abroad that include a variety of individuals and enterprises in the art, culture and museum sectors. The Asian art curator must enjoy working with donors, collectors, and the department’s Friends group, and will welcome wide audiences, including families and students. The successful candidate for this position must have leadership qualities and excellent communication skills. Much of the work at DAM is cross-departmental, and exhibitions are developed through advisory committees that often invite external perspectives. The successful candidate will be someone who enjoys collaboration, welcomes input from other museum staff and from external constituencies, and is willing to have guest- and co-curators for exhibitions in the department. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Yellow Lovers, I am an Asian. And I know Asian art! All those pictures in the Chinese restaurant in my hood are so cool. I know good stuff when I see it! Plus, I think I’m a long-lost relative of the Ming Dynasty. At least, that’s what my pops said. But he was drunk at the time, so maybe he was wrong. I should do an Ancestry thing and find out. I don’t know much about turkey. Except that my grams’ isn’t the best. I mean, it’s always dry. Gramps says it’s as dry as her own bird. And something about it being flappy now. Anywho, I could bring my third cousin in to co-collaborate. He’s really smart. He did all these Bob Ross paintings. I opened a museum of his paintings when I was a kid, so I have a head for business, too. China and Vases for All Races, Suzi This is right up my… alley. Assistant Boudoir Photographer Milk and Honey Boudoir - Akron, OH Job Type: Part-time/Contract $50-$150/hour Responsibilities of Contractor include but are not limited to the following: taking pictures of details, and people holding and/or carrying lighting and other equipment directing & artistically posing people independently capturing moments of the day attending to other photography-related details promoting "Milk & Honey" on social media (Facebook, Instagram, etc.) This Job Is Ideal for Someone Who Is: Dependable -- more reliable than spontaneous People-oriented -- enjoys interacting with people and working on group projects Adaptable/flexible -- enjoys doing work that requires frequent shifts in direction Innovative -- prefers working in unconventional ways or on tasks that require creativity Suzi’s Cover Letter:Dear Bedroom Beauties, OMG! I do bedroom pictures all the time. I mean, I have pro lighting and the best outfits. That’s really helped my own business grow. So, I would take that knowledge and help you all out. I feel so comfortable in the bedroom, and I want to learn more about picture stuff. I comfortable around all kinds of people, and I can bring out the best in anyone. Some people are shy, but once they hear me talk—they’re like pudding in my hands. Thought I usually only entertain on the phone, there are times when I will meet in person with a client. Sometimes they have picture fantasies, and I help them out. So fulfilling. Lights, Camera, Coochie, Suzi I can see myself on stage, and not in a stripper way. Historical Performer Plimoth Patuxet – Plymouth, MA Job Type: Full-time Full-time and part-time positions available in this new position for our new Museum Theatre program. Historical Performers portray 17th-century people in timed, scripted or semi-scripted, immersive productions that will be performed multiple times a day. Aspects of this production will include but are not limited to scripted scenarios, plays, hands-on activities, and storytelling. The Historical Performer must have a talent for as well as experience in performance and improvisation while being comfortable interacting with a diverse audience of all ages. The Historical Performer must be able to take cues from a director, memorize lines and blocking, and improve their performance based on feedback. They also must learn and retain a foundational amount of 17th-century historical information. The production will be built upon historical research and a foundational script. There will be situations where the Historical Performer must improvise with audience members. Some of the blocking and script will be devised through the rehearsal process. Participate in additional acting performances/shows including but not limited to 1 person shows, scripted dining experiences and online performances for schools and other groups. Maintain proper use and care of props, costumes and scenic design. Wear and use voice amplification devices. Provide a friendly and welcoming presence for all guests and coworkers throughout the Museum. Adhere to the policies of Plimoth Patuxet Museums as outlined in the Museum Employee manual and current job description. Other duties as assigned This outline description focuses on the primary duties of the position. It is not designed nor intended to include all duties and responsibilities inherent in satisfactory performance of the position. Management reserves the right to revise this job description from time to time as needed. Fluent in English. Have a firm understanding of immersive theatre, improvisation, and the theatrical process Able to deliver an engaging, consistent performance multiple times a day Able to perform in an outdoor environment for an extended period of time Able to read and memorize lines, take stage directions, and improve performance based on feedback from director Able to problem-solve while interacting with guests during performance Able to learn and complete 17th-century demonstrations and activities Able to learn and perform a 17th-century dialect Able to learn and perform period music and dances. Flexible, resilient and growth mindset Have an engaging and creative personality with excellent interpersonal skills. A positive, can-do attitude and sense of humor is essential Reliability, dependability and punctuality Fluency in English, strong verbal skills, and ability to communicate clearly and engagingly with guests and colleagues. Ability to work independently, without direct supervision. Must be able to read and understand a variety of historical and educational sources. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Historical Hotties, The stage has always been my calling. I was the lead in a Christmas play when I was 8-years-old. I played Mary. It was an advent guard production. I mean, it wasn’t supposed to be that way, but I guess people got all upset when I kissed Joseph. How else is a baby supposed to show up? I had to show love, right? From there, I was in a high school musical. Which was my last because I don’t think musicals are for me. I’m more of a pure drama type. And I did really well in history class. Like, Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1792. And that Game of Thrones happened after the Civil War. And Lord of the Rings was the time of the disciples. Cool stuff. Where’s My Spotlight, Suzi I’m yummy. I like yummy things… So, perfect! Tasty Talent ResidentBuzzFeed – Los Angeles, CA Salary :$18 an hour/PT Full Job Description Tasty's Talent Residency is a program for aspiring on-camera personalities, TikTok/Reel-ers and YouTubers with a passion for viral storytelling and content creation. This entry-level opportunity is perfect for someone looking to kickstart a career in the entertainment, food media, acting, comedy, TikTok-er, digital creator or influencer space as an on-camera talent/content Creator driving personal and BuzzFeed social growth. As a BuzzFeed Resident, you'll work with innovators in the talent space and forge your own relationships with TikTok, Reels, YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitch audiences! The Residency is an entry-level, part-time, $18/hour, 3-9 month-long program, approximately 3 days/20 hours per week, launching in early March!Our screening process opens now, and selected candidates will be asked to self-tape followed by a video call interview, and finally, a remote screen test with our Casting and Talent Teams. Suzi’s Cover Letter:Dear Buzzers, If ever I was meant to be something, it is this. I was meant to be exposed to the masses. That’s why I did those movies. I mean, you gotta start somewhere. And, I’m really good on the socials. That’s one way I’ve been able to generate so many more phone clients. But I feel my life should mean so much more. And that’s why TikTok fame is my destiny. Seriously. TikTok is Chinese, and I’m Asian. See? Plus the camera loves me. And I want to influence people in a positive way, like: Stay away from creepers, know that you’re awesome, and that you should pet cats more. Daughter of Destiny, Suzi Hello! Me and the phone? We good. Answering Service - Medical - Remote Telephone Operator Physicians' Answering Service – Remote Full Job Description Job openings for Evenings, At least One Weekend Day & Holidays. Customer service representatives that are dependable, have excellent attendance history and type of at least 40 wpm (tested). Applicants only in the area of Portland, OR. Excellent spelling and grammar Clear speaking voice, pleasant and friendly mannerisms. Computer skills. Has a Windows 10 PC, PC Headset w/ Microphone, Fast Internet. Ability to adapt and perform at a fast paced environment. Transfer calls and relay verbal messages. Record and deliver messages Excellent in documentation and organization. Perform other clerical duties as necessary. Team Player Follows Direction Bilingual Preferred Pay: $13.50 - $13.75 per hour Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Inquirers, My phone skills are da bomb, and I’m such a good listener! I mean, that’s what my job is right now. But I want to go a little more legit, which is why I’m looking for my dream job. So, why not use my phone skills? And I might even make some new friends, because once you get to chatting with me, you’ll love me! All my clients love me. Oh, and I’m really good at taking notes and my grammer is real good, to. I did pretty good with that stuff in school. But I did get a lot of extra credit. I think it helped that Mr. Jennings had a crush on me… Ring Me, Suzi Follow my lead! Conductor Bay Colony Railroad Corp – Boston, MA Salary/$25 an hour Job Type/Part-time Bay Colony Railroad Corp. is looking for a Part-Time Freight Conductor A conductor's primary responsibility is to safely coordinate train crews on a freight train, place rail cars to facilitate loading and unloading, and makeup/breakdown trains in a rail yard, customer facility or similar locations. Candidate selected for this part-time position will cover Millis and Watuppa, MA locations. Primary Activities and Responsibilities Ensure compliance with all train orders, signals, railroad and safety rules and Federal Railroad Administration (FRA) regulations Be able to safely perform all job responsibilities Inspect all equipment on cars prior to departures Receive and transmit information by radio and telephone Read and understand bulletins, work orders, and switch lists Assist with the coupling and uncoupling of cars, operate switches, and make minor repairs to railcars, including replacing heavy couplings or air brake hoses Work with customers to ensure accurate movement and placement of cars; delivers excellent customer service by identifying customer needs and meeting or exceeding expectations Maintain awareness of surrounding area and suspicious activity to ensure rail safety Operate locomotive equipment through the use of remote control device Quickly and repeatedly make precise adjustments in moving the controls of a machine or vehicle to exact positions Comprehend color and/or hand signals and systems Review instructions from dispatchers and other transportation employees, and discuss with locomotive engineer Minimum Qualifications High School Diploma/GED 2 years work experience or equivalent training Must have a valid driver’s license Must have less than 4 points on motor vehicle report Current FRA Conductor Certification Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Musical Marvels, I feel I have leadership abilities. And it would by my pleasure and an honor to lead your beautiful sounds! I played in the band in high school. I was *this* close to making the first row in flutes, but the other girls ahead of me apparently have good knee pads because… whatever. I always thought the conductor was the coolest. He gets to wear that cool tux. Like, I want to wear some badass gown with a tiara and have a wand that’s all sparkly and stuff. I can keep good time and I love music. Plus, I know how to jazz up a performance. My conducting will be so legendary. But I don’t know what an orchestra has to do with trains. Maybe concerts on the train? That would be cool. Follow My Stick, Suzi I’m a little bit country…  House Attendant Los Angeles Country Club - Los Angeles, CA Job Type: Full-time or Part-time Position Summary Clean all public areas, employee areas and golf course bathrooms, tennis pro office, maintenance dorms and offices as assigned, in accordance with established quality and performance standards. Assist in the moving of furniture from various locations to accommodate banquet needs. Additional responsibilities include those of a Bellman and Doorman when needed. Performs duties for scheduled projects related to maintenance as assigned by the Department Head. Suzi’s Cover Letter:Dear One-Percenters, I’ve been wanting to unite two worlds: rich and poor. And what better way than through country music. I think a great theme would be country meets the country club. Yee Hawwwww! With pinkies up, of course! Think of all the fun that could be had. Riding a mechanical bull before dinner with Tiffany and Benson. Drinking Cristal from Mason jars. Eating Waygu jerky. Let’s be united in our snobbery. Plus, momma said a country club is a good place to meet a good man. In fact, one of my phone clients is a rich dude who goes to a country club… His wife never wants to play in the hay, so… Clubbers and Chuggers, Suzi Debt happens. I know this.  Debt Consultant Freedom Financial Network - Tempe, AZ Salary: $75,000 - $115,000 a year Job Type: Full-time Full Job Description Attention Inside Sales Professionals! Do you have excellent in-person or telephone sales experience? Are you looking for an opportunity with uncapped commissions? Are you ready to say goodbye to cold calling and exclusively work warm leads? If you’re a people person, joining Freedom Debt Relief is a capital idea. As an Inside Sales Representative, you’ll be the voice of the company as you consult with our amazing clients to help them find solutions to pay off their consumer debt and move forward toward a better financial future. You’ll be rewarded with attractive pay and benefits, and we’ll have your back with continuous training to help you develop your skills, grow your career or pursue a path into leadership. Don’t have a financial background? No problem. We provide paid comprehensive training. Work 40+ hours weekly Shift: Thursday through Monday Between the hours of 6am and 8pm Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Money Bags, This is, like, the perfect example of taking the skills I have and taking it all to the next level! I’m so the expert at inside sales!!! Like, seriously! I’m a saleswoman right now! I’m an experienced phone actress, so I totally sell the sexy while I’m sitting in my yoga pants eating a cupcake while Uncle Larry is touching his fossil stick getting all happy and thanking me and sending me gifts and money because he’s happy! Plus, I can empathy with people who are in debt. I was in debt before my phone acting gig. Like, credit cards were my friends because you can spend and never pay the bill… but that’s not true. So, now I use someone else’s credit card and they pay the bill. I can’t wait to share my knowledge with your customers. Pass Your Debt On, Suzi Candles are life!  Customer Care Associate – Seasonal P.F. Candle Co. - Los Angeles, CA Job Type: Part-time Hourly Wage: $22/hr Full Job Description We are seeking a Customer Service Associate to facilitate day-to-day communications and support for our retail customers during our busiest time of the year - Candle Season! Our Customer Care team acts as the voice of P.F., ensuring a meaningful and positive experience from the first impression onwards. This position will work remotely from home. It is part-time (3 days a week) with the potential to cover weekday and weekend shifts. This is a seasonal role, ending December 31, 2020. DUTIES: Offer timely, comprehensive support to all customers for any inquiries or issues that arise. Provide expert knowledge and education on product line and care/proper use suggestions. Direct communications via email, social media, website reviews, phone, and in-person engagement. Work to reduce response time across channels while increasing overall rating of P.F. experience. Ensure customer related issues are tracked and consolidated in our CSS system, efficiently communicated to all relevant team members, and resolved in a prompt manner. Assist in reporting customer feedback and ticketing data by properly tracking tickets in real time and compiling data across all channels. Actively look at the “bigger picture” to promote department growth and overall improvement for company. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Light Shine Brighters, I am the queen of all things candle. I used to spend so much on candles. So much. My scents would change as often as I would change underwear. And sometimes that would be a lot in one day depending on how many “friends” I’d be entertaining in any one day. (I’m popular). I like small candles, medium candles, and big candles. Candles set the mood. I’ve been known to help my squad make things romantical for their boos. They always come to me for advice. I always know which candles to pick. Everybody wins! Your Candelabra Star, Suzi I always had a crush on Steve Irwin!  Wildlife Technician Meridian Bird Removal – Jackson, TN Part-Time/$1,000-$1,500 per month Do you enjoy the thrill of the chase? Would you like to get paid for doing something you enjoy as much as a hobby? Come join us and catch birds! We have captured tens of thousands of birds across the nation, and we want you to join us. Our motto: We Embrace New Adventures Daily! Meridian Bird Removal is seeking a Part-Time Bird Removal Technician who likes a challenge and is committed to seeing a job through to completion. Who is our ideal candidate? Our diverse workforce consists of talented individuals of many different backgrounds and includes hunters, trappers, wildlife and outdoor enthusiasts, biologists, recent college graduates, retired professionals, veterans, artists, and more! People who succeed in this role come from backgrounds such as veterinarian assistants, dog walkers, pest control, technicians, wildlife removal, and much more! We also have people who are gig workers, freelancers, and contractors. As a company, we love to hire bird enthusiasts and animal lovers! What will you need to succeed? The right candidate will have a strong passion for solving customers' problems. Our technicians address health and food safety issues created by birds. Commits to completing each job Solves problems Has a thirst for knowledge Has an appreciation for wildlife and nature Loves helping people Thrives independently yet can be part of a team Enjoys traveling Embraces adventure and challenge Meet the physically demanding requirements of the job-standing, walking, lifting, and looking up at birds. Meet the visual requirements—are you able to see small birds at long distances and follow their flight patterns. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Feathered Friends, I feel like birds are my spirit animal. And I’ve felt that ever since I held the first bird in my hand. Since then, I have so many in my hand. Big. Small. Crooked. They’re all wonderful and special! And they always respond well to me! And I let them hop all over me—even my face. I don’t mind. And I love to hug! So, embracing whatever bird you need me to is cool. Pecking Away, Suzi |
AuthorI'm just your average girl who wants a kick-ass life and... love! If I could be a superhero, that would be AWESOME! I'm currently a "phone actress" looking for a really cool career. Don't get me wrong-- I love giving a hand to dudes who need someone to chat with. Everybody needs somebody! But, my parents keep telling me I need a respectable job. Sigh. Archives
August 2022
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