the crack files:
Suzi sPEAKS
Just an average girl looking for her dream gig. Hit me up at: [email protected]
|
This is right up my… alley.  Assistant Boudoir Photographer Milk and Honey Boudoir - Akron, OH Job Type: Part-time/Contract $50-$150/hour Responsibilities of Contractor include but are not limited to the following: taking pictures of details, and people holding and/or carrying lighting and other equipment directing & artistically posing people independently capturing moments of the day attending to other photography-related details promoting "Milk & Honey" on social media (Facebook, Instagram, etc.) This Job Is Ideal for Someone Who Is: Dependable -- more reliable than spontaneous People-oriented -- enjoys interacting with people and working on group projects Adaptable/flexible -- enjoys doing work that requires frequent shifts in direction Innovative -- prefers working in unconventional ways or on tasks that require creativity Suzi’s Cover Letter:Dear Bedroom Beauties, OMG! I do bedroom pictures all the time. I mean, I have pro lighting and the best outfits. That’s really helped my own business grow. So, I would take that knowledge and help you all out. I feel so comfortable in the bedroom, and I want to learn more about picture stuff. I comfortable around all kinds of people, and I can bring out the best in anyone. Some people are shy, but once they hear me talk—they’re like pudding in my hands. Thought I usually only entertain on the phone, there are times when I will meet in person with a client. Sometimes they have picture fantasies, and I help them out. So fulfilling. Lights, Camera, Coochie, Suzi I sure can blow!  Trombone Teachers The Music Teachers Network – Columbus, PA Part-Time Full Job Description The following job opening(s) are now available at www.musicteachersnetwork.com Trombone teacher needed for one child students in Philadelphia, PA **STUDENT ADDITIONAL COMMENTS: Looking for a private music teacher to provide lessons to my son who is in HS. ABOUT MTN: The Music Teachers Network is the nation’s premiere private music lessons company. Since 1997 MTN has connected thousands of families in the U.S. with talented music teachers for private piano, voice, guitar and instrumental lessons. MTN provides the ultimate teaching and business solution tools for private music instructors who seek to build and maintain healthy student rosters. To join our team or to find out more information please go to www.musicteachersnetwork.com Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear ‘Bone-ers, I’m a natural blower! I started playing the flute in grade school, and then in high school dudes told me I had the perfect lips for blowing, so playing woodwinds comes naturally. And I know a trombone isn’t a flute, but I’m really good with that slide thingie. And I've given plenty of raspberries on bellies, so I know that technique when playing instruments. Plus, I'm best in a one-on-one setting. So this job is perfect for me. Let’s Get ‘Boned! Suzi I’m seaman friendly!  Able Bodied Seaman – (A.B.) ConocoPhillips – Texas Who We Are We are one of the world’s largest independent exploration and production companies, based on proved reserves and production of liquids and natural gas. With operations in 17 countries, we explore for, develop and produce crude oil and natural gas globally. We are challenged with an important job to safely find and deliver energy to the world. Our employees are critical to our success, and with them we power civilization. We’re grounded by our SPIRIT Values – safety, people, integrity, responsibility, innovation and teamwork. These values position us to deliver strong performance in a dynamic business – but not at all costs. We believe it’s not just what we do – it’s how we do it – that sets us apart. We strive to make a significant difference in the communities where we live and operate. We create an inclusive environment that values all voices and opinions. Together, the different backgrounds, experiences, ideas and perspectives of our employees drive our success. Your responsibilities may include: Docking/undocking procedures (handling lines, securing ship, etc.) and assisting with taking and discharging of cargo Standing watch, either as lookout or on the bridge steering the vessel Performing deck related maintenance duties under supervision of the Boatswain Working aloft in certain situations Working two 4 hour watches per 24-hour period with overtime occurring routinely. The A.B. can work no more than 15 hours per day, and cannot work more than 36 hours in any 72-hour period. Qualifications Basic/Required: Must be legally authorized to work in the United States as a U.S. citizen or national, or an alien admitted as permanent resident, refugee or asylee Passport Willingness and ability to: To be away from home for periods in excess of two months Push/pull up to 200 pounds Lift/carry up to 100 pounds floor to shoulder Lift up to 50 pounds floor to overhead Climb stairs/ladders Stand for long periods of time Suzi’s Cover Letter: Ahoy! I’m a very open girl and I’m open about seaman. I mean, it’s crucial to making life! I was a wiz in health class. I am a little confused with what seaman has to do with decks, unless it’s, like, a polisher or something. My first encounter with seaman was in Bobby Johnson’s car. He asked if I could but all hands on deck, so I did, and then… And… I can lift heavy men. There was this one dude in college that like being body slammed by girls. Weird. But kinda fun! One time I dressed like a hot sailor for Halloween and won! Let’s Shove Off Together, Suzi OMG! Christmas is the bestest holiday ever! Digital Santa ClausSanta Calls – Phoenix, AZ Contract/$75 an hour Full Job Description This year Christmas will be different, and the magic of the Santa and North Pole is making its debut over the internet. With malls closed around the nation, Santa's (work) home is in quarantine. It's a good thing Santa's nifty elves hammered away on the mobile application, Santa Calls. By using Facetime, and Zoom technology children all over the nation will still be able to talk to a real, live Santa Claus. Join our team and help us make children smile and feel the magic of Christmas. We are dedicated to giving every child an opportunity to believe this Christmas. Requirements: Pass Background Check Good communication skills Positive attitude, warm smile, welcoming voice Must enjoy interacting with children and families Real Beard, Excellent personal hygiene Ability to sit for long periods of time Full Santa outfit By contracting with the Santa Calls team you will be paid on a per-call basis working only part-time. You will represent the company as Santa from the North Pole. Your duties will be to manage a call queue list and make Facetime, or Zoom calls to families and children for 2-minutes. During the call, you will be required to gather key information from the child, such as name and what they want for Christmas. It is important to make this experience magical for the child. Not all children are very talkative, you must be able to adapt to adversity. Have readily available books, jingles, or stories to tell. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear North Polers, Christmas is my favoritest holiday! Like, I want to have Christmas stuff all year, but I don’t feel like being shamed about it, so… I always wanted to be Santa Claus, because Santa brings so much joy into the world! And, I think anyone can be Santa—even a chick—because it’s about your heart. It’s not about race or gender. And, I think Santa needs to recognize adults, too. I’ve dressed up as Santa many times for video chats with my male clients. They were very pleased with my fishnets and leather boots and red lingerie. Imagine how I could inspire others? So many North Poles, so little time… Spreading legs and love, Suzi Clusters are good. They make me think of squirrels! Commerce Cluster Writers Dotdash – Remote About Your Role: As a freelance commerce updates editor for The Spruce, you will review and revise existing commerce articles in our content management system in order to elevate user experience, according to specific project instructions and brand guidelines. Updates commerce editors must commit to 20 hours weekly. About Your Contributions: You will research and perform revisions or updates to commerce content directly in our content management system as needed according to specific project instructions and brand guidelines. In some cases you will use your editorial instinct to independently assess what work is necessary on a piece of commerce content before performing an update You will fact check and copy edit on top of any larger revisions and updates. About You: You have a strong background in commerce writing with current industry knowledge and relationships. You’re always on top of new trends and products. Experience covering home improvement, pet products, appliances (large or small), or children’s toys a plus, but not required. You’re able to easily adopt an established brand voice, and you adhere to strict brand and style guidelines like a pro. You’re comfortable working in a content management system and can work quickly, independently and accurately. You are comfortable working remotely. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear C Effers, I have experience writing in catalogs. Okay. One catalog. Like, really one catalog only ever came out. It was for my bestie’s startup lingerie company. But then it didn’t happen and she just did an OnlyFans thing. But… I wrote some really good stuff. Here’s a sample: ENDLESS ECSTASY It's an artful orgasm wrapped inside a velvet bag. The Immortal Jade Glass Dildo is individually crafted and hand blown-- and guaranteed to blow your mind. A G-spot stimulator with spiral ridge, and three balls won't miss a single, delicious spot. Use warm or cold for whatever sensation you desire. 10-inches, 4.5-inch circumference (1.5-inch diameter); dishwasher safe; hypoallergenic; chemical and odor resistant; from the Glass Gem Collection. Right!?!?! Didn’t know I had it in me. I mean, I didn’t really have this in me… Oh—are there going to be work squirrels? Dottin’ and Dashin’, Suzi Every day, I wake up with thanks and stuff! Gratitude Ambassador SendThanksNow -- Chicago, IL Remote Part-time, Contract, Commission/Pay: $10.00 - $25.00 per hour SendThanksNow is seeking Ambassadors to amplify our voice and help build a more grateful world. Since launching our beta platform, STN has been rapidly growing our community of users. We believe that everyone deserves thanks and we need your help to pay it forward. Gratitude Ambassadors will be responsible for promoting our brand. You may use your own personal creativity to spread gratitude in order to build the community. Ambassadors will also have access to the SendThanksNow Team and internally developed collateral. The STN platform utilizes Hearts (1 Heart = 1 cent) plus messages, pictures, and videos to send gratitude. Ambassadors will be given thousands of Hearts to give away as the main method of community recruitment. Every Heart has a story and Ambassadors will help share them. Learn more here: https://sendthanksnow.com/about Watch our explainer: https://youtu.be/v_6hrR3ENvo Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Tuders, OMG! I am always thankful and always telling people thankful and always talking about what I’m thankful for. So to make a living being thankful… GAH! I’m thankful for (Top 5 in no order): Thongs Puppies Makeup Queso Hot dogs And that whole one heart is one cent. It’s like selling candy bars at school! I love the thought of giving everyone a heart on! Full Hearts, Suzi I mean, Asians have been known to be maids, so… Meter Reader Forsyth County – Cumming, GA $30,295 annual salary Job Summary Locates water meters on established routes and within designated timeframes; plans efficient meter-reading route to correspond with account sequence on billing reports; drives utility truck to conduct meter-reading activities. Reads water meters; enters water consumption data from meter into handheld computerized meter reading device; records data and confirms accuracy of readings; sequences accounts into proper order. Tests meters to ensure proper operations and accurate readings; inspects/observes condition of meters; checks meters for leaks or illegal taps; reports any necessary repair/maintenance work. Disconnects or reconnects water service as appropriate; turns on meters to establish water service to new customers; turns off meters to close accounts or to troubleshoot leaks. Performs customer service functions; provides assistance and information related to meters, consumption, leaks, department procedures, or other issues; responds to routine questions, complaints, or requests for service; initiates problem resolution. Performs manual work associated with meter reading and maintenance activities; digs around meter boxes and removes dirt/debris; pumps water from meter boxes and determines source of leaks; cleans meter boxes and glass to obtain accurate reading; removes and replaces broken meter boxes/lids; shovels materials. Operates a variety of equipment and tools associated with meter reading activities, which may include a utility truck, radio communications equipment, handheld computerized meter reading device, meter locator, probing rod, water pump, pipe wrench, shovel, or mechanic tools. Performs general/preventive maintenance tasks necessary to keep equipment in operable condition, which may include inspecting equipment, refueling vehicles, checking/replacing fluids, greasing equipment, washing/cleaning equipment, or cleaning work areas; monitors equipment operations to maintain efficiency and safety; reports faulty equipment. Follows safety procedures, utilizes safety equipment, and monitors work environment to ensure safety of employees, the public, and other individuals. Prepares or completes various forms, reports, correspondence, lost meter reports, no-backflow reports, illegal hookup reports, stolen property reports, vehicle maintenance reports, timesheets, or other documents. Receives various forms, reports, correspondence, meter route books, receipts, maps, manuals, reference materials, or other documentation; reviews, completes, processes, forwards or retains as appropriate. Assists in maintaining inventory of division supplies; ensures availability of adequate materials to conduct work activities; initiates requests for new/replacement materials; picks up supplies as needed. Communicates via telephone and/or two-way radio; provides information and assistance; records/relays messages; responds to requests for service or assistance. Communicates with supervisor, employees, other departments, customers, the public, and other individuals as needed to coordinate work activities, review status of work, exchange information, or resolve problems. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Maids a Milking, It has always been my dream to wear a uniform. And I already have a French maid one in my closet! It’s my most popular one! How cute would I look riding around on my pink sparkle scooter checking out meters? (Please say I can have a pink sparkle scooter!!!) I’m good with coins and my penmanship is awesome, so writing tickets would be like little works of art. P.S. Do I have to clean stuff, too? Maid for This, Suzi We’re all beautiful! I want to bring it out! Beauty AdvisorOVERVIEW Experience a place of energy, passion, and excitement. A place where the joy of discovery and uncommon artistry blend to create exhilarating buying experiences—for true beauty enthusiasts. At Ulta Beauty, we’re transforming the world one shade, one lash, one cut at a time. Because beauty is powerful. If you seek greater purpose—a place of vision, mission, and lived values—where voices are heard, contributions valued and recognized and growth opportunities abound, consider Ulta Beauty. Nowhere else are the possibilities quite this beautiful. THE IMPACT YOU CAN HAVE: Welcome to an exciting future in the retail beauty industry! As a Beauty Advisor at Ulta Beauty, you will be the first point of contact for our guest Beauty Enthusiasts, setting and exceeding their expectations for the beauty journey they’re about to experience within your store. As the initial face of the Ulta Beauty brand, you will have the opportunity to put your passion for beauty on full display, while ensuring that everything in the store is clean, fully stocked and ready to “wow” guests and other associates. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Face Saviors, Ulta is like Heaven on Earth to me! I remember when one opened up near me—I cried. Tears of complete joy! Plus, I envision myself wearing that cool black smock with some booty-poppin’ jeans and smart, sassy heels. My hair in a classic French twist, and my makeup—of course—on point. I’m really good at doing makeup. All my friends asked me to be their beauty advisor, so It’s, like, natural that I do it and make money. Because paying me in wine is fun until the rent’s due, yo! This is some makeup I did for my friend Sara who had to go to court on some b.s. prostitution charge. She wanted a dramatic look, so... Beautiful Faces and Beautiful Queens, Suzi Math. I’ve got this. Duh! BookkeeperAccounting for Jewelers – Tennessee $15 - $20/hour, Full-time, Part-time Position Overview: Accounting for Jewelers, LLC is currently seeking a staff Bookkeeper to work with a roster of 18 - 20 clients. For this role, we’re looking for someone who has accounting experience, is tech-savvy, and servant-hearted. This is a part-time, work from home position. Hourly rate commensurate with experience. No benefits offered for part-time employees, but there is existing opportunity for the right candidate to go full time and take on more responsibilities not listed here. Part Time Probation and Training Period. Full Time Potential. Flexible Hours. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear (Word) Problem Solvers, If anything were more genetically meant to be, this is it. Hello! Asians and math are like oil and water! Like cats and dogs! Plus, I love jewelry. So counting carrots and stones are, like, perfect for me. I’m very good with jewels. I wear them. I fondle them to get some jewels. It’s all good. Plus, I helped one of my clients keep things off the books, so…I can do that for you, too. And, not only can I add stuff up, but I could model your jewelry too. I could wear gold paint and you could put the jewelry on me! Like two jobs from one person! Me! Bling and Bookkeeping, Suzi OMG! I love Toto! Associate EditorAssociate Editor, Africa Remote/Contract About Us Our news team covers the most meaningful issues in the world, from eradicating malaria and polio to fighting climate change to ending poverty in our time. Our news team gets to know some of the most inspiring leaders in the world, from heads of state to celebrities to philanthropists to aid workers making a difference on the ground. Our journalists and editors produce original news stories, features, interviews, investigations, multimedia projects, OpEds, and online events and have a sustainable business model to do it. Professionals at NGOs like Save the Children, CARE, and the Gates Foundation rely on us to be in-the-know. Job Description About You Do you have at least five years of journalism and editing experience? Are you based in the Africa region and willing to work remotely? Are you an energetic editor who works well across time zones on a variety of topics? Are you excited to be a part of a global, mission-driven company that has an open, teamwork-focused culture? Read on. You're ambitious, detail-oriented, and have an open and collaborative attitude. You thrive in an environment where you're responsible for your work (but you get the support you need). You are a reliable multi-tasker who can smoothly juggle working with reporters and freelancers in a variety of locations who are writing about diverse topics, as well as taking on reporting projects of your own. You know the best way to explain complicated stories and are always looking to uncover new talent. Suzi's Cover LetterDear African Africans, I listen to that Yacht Rock station all the time when my mom’s in the car, cuz that’s her music. Something about one night with Bobby Preston in his backseat with something about “pink” and “stink”. Whatever. Anywho, mom said I was conceived while she was listening to “Africa” and I guess that’s why I love that song, cuz it’s in my jeans! I love everything about Toto and Africa. I could write all kinds of stories about it: the drums echoing through the night; the rains; moonlit wings; wild dogs cry out in the night. I’m perfect for this job! I can even draw a picture of Africa in my sleep! Kilimanjaro Rising, Suzi |
AuthorI'm just your average girl who wants a kick-ass life and... love! If I could be a superhero, that would be AWESOME! I'm currently a "phone actress" looking for a really cool career. Don't get me wrong-- I love giving a hand to dudes who need someone to chat with. Everybody needs somebody! But, my parents keep telling me I need a respectable job. Sigh. Archives
August 2022
Categories
All
|
RSS Feed