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the crack files:
​Suzi sPEAKS

Just an average girl looking for her dream gig. Hit me up at: [email protected]

    JOIN THE FUNFORMATION MOVEMENT! 

    ​And don't worry. We won't spam you or sell your info. We don't have that kind of time... or motivation. 
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Comfort Queen

4/27/2021

 
I love the word ​liaison. It sounds fancy—like me.
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​Reservation & Guest Experience Agent

THE GUILD
Full-Time: From $15/hour

Full Job Description:
Our goal...to craft incredible experiences for people that love to explore while enjoying the comforts of home.

The Guild offers the comfort and convenience of a high-end apartment with the personalized service of a boutique hotel. We believe traveling in comfort is more than someone making your bed while you’re out or delivering room service while you’re in. It’s feeling at ease. Relaxed.

Your role:
The Guest Experience Central Team is a high volume inbound contact center environment going above and beyond to provide Guild guests with a step-above world class experience. A successful agent must display both strong communication skills with computer literacy and exceptional guest service abilities to assist the guest beyond the transactional experience to a transformational guest experience. Our agents are empowered to own the guest relationship to maintain industry leading NPS of 80+. You will be responsible for (mostly) inbound contacts via text, phone, email, etc, and possess the ability to work through multiple systems to assist guests quickly, and with quality.

What you’ll do:
Handle inbound guest contacts across multiple channels and tools (phone, email, sms, chat), primarily responsible for making reservations and answering guest questions.

Effectively communicate with guests to exceed their expectations with your guidance, knowledge, patience, and issue resolution

Assist guests at each step of the customer journey to ensure a streamlined, positive experience resulting in promoters and repeat bookings

Treat our guests as friends first to make every stay perfect and offer up your city knowledge at every opportunity (suggest authentic city favorites, foods, and hot spots)
​
Identify and take action on/make suggestions for guests based on your research into their reservation or inquiries

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear Secret Agents,

This job is my heart: quality customer experiences! Like, I totally do that now. I mean, I don’t schedule cool vacays anywhere for people, but I do create a getaway, fantasy world for them. It will be nice to travel outside the mind for once. And who doesn’t love a vacation?

I’m all about making sure the customer is happy from start to finish. I never leave my phone clients hanging. I want to know that I’ve fulfilled their desires and that there is always a happy ending? Isn’t that what it’s all about? The cherry on top?

Plus, being a comfort woman is kinda in my blood. There was that thing in history where the Japanese made other Asian women sex workers for their men. But this is obvs more positive because I’m choosing to do it.

Here to Please,
Suzi
​


Master of Her Domain

4/13/2021

 
I have a very creative mind!
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​Escape Game Attendant

Inland Empire Escape Rooms - Riverside, CA
Part-Time: $13-$15/hour

Full Job Description:
Inland Empire Escape Rooms in Riverside is Hiring!

At our Game Center Guests schedule their 60 minute game to get locked into our themed rooms. Players must solve puzzles and find clues and manipulate objects if they have any hopes of escape before time runs out. Visit us on YELP to get an idea of what we expect for customer service. We are hiring for the Game Master position.

Key responsibilities include:
Greet our guests

Present tips for success and rules

Give the "backstory" to the unique scenario they will be playing

Monitor the in-room cameras to track players’ progress

Provide "in character" interaction with the players

Debrief the players following the game

Reset the room for our next group

Also expect to do light cleaning, phone answering, and other tasks needed to provide our guests with an exceedingly great experience.

Customer service is super important, as our business relies on word-of-mouth and getting great reviews across social media channels.

Our GMs must have:
A friendly warm personality

Ability to get in character based upon scenario to run games

The ability to work on their own and use their initiative

As well as the ability to harmoniously work with others

Confident technical skills to perform simple repairs, replace bulbs and fuses etc.
​
Confident voice, able to command attention and speak clearly

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear Role Players,
​
This job so speaks to me. Seriously. I’m an actress already. And role playing is totally what I’m all about. I can make any client feel like they’re the sexiest, hottest dude in the world. And they think they’re spending some chat time with the sexiest, hottest chick in the world (I am hot)—even when I’m wearing my period panties and shoving ice cream in my face.

My point is, I’ve got a fertile mind. I can come up with stories so quickly. Another of my fantasy jobs is tabloid reporter, cuz all that stuff is fakey fake. And in school, I always got good grades for my creative writing. My one teacher said I was detached from reality, and I’m all like: “Yeah. Right? Cool.”

Masked and Whipped,
Suzi
​


Get Pricked

4/6/2021

 
I’m good with charts and stuff.
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​Vaccine Scheduling WFH Gig

Live Reps Call Center/Remote

Full Job Description
Live Reps Call Center is hiring for a vaccine scheduling project.

Do you qualify for the Rapid Response Team?
All shifts, 7 days a week, short or long term available… your choice. You must commit to completing all shifts you request.

Must have a strong internet connection.

Must have a quality PC i3 CPU or Better with 4GB OF RAM minimum and good computer system knowledge. No tablets, Mac’s, etc… must be a PC.

You will need to pass a Standard Criminal Background check

Knowledge of Microsoft Office and Excel a plus.

Voice Over IP dialer experience helpful, but training is available.

Must have a place to work in your home without disruptions or background noise.

Job Types: Contracted Project - 9 months with 2, 6 month extensions possible
​
Payment Rate: $10 to $12 per hour

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear Flow Charters,

​I am totally 100% behind this. I know some people are all scared of getting vaccinated, but if you’ve had a couple of one night stands, you’ve been pricked with worse! Let’s get pricked!
​Since I’m Asian, I’m really good at organizing stuff. And these skills have been really helpful in my current not-real career of phone actress. I have a schedule of when each client needs my attention, what they like and don’t like, and any other notes. It’s important to be on top of things (that’s what he said), so I know I’ll be a natural fit for this job.

Stickin’ and Winnin’,

Suzi

Ming Thing

3/30/2021

 

This is a big girl job that’s totally cool!
​

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​Joseph De Heer Curator of Asian Art

Joseph De Heer Curator of Asian Art
Denver Art Museum Inc – Denver, CO
Salary/$80,000 - $100,000/year

Full Job Description
The Denver Art Museum (DAM) seeks a dynamic and experienced individual to lead the museum’s Asian art department to a higher level of regional, national, and international prominence.

Qualified candidates are expected to exemplify the DAM’s internal values, which include being dynamic, respectful, inclusive, creative, and curious. The ability to maintain effective and positive working relationships with visitors, employees, volunteers, representatives of public and private entities, policy-making bodies, and contractors is critical to the success of this position.

DAM’s Asian art collection includes about 7,000 items, ranging in age from antiquity to modern days, and spanning the entire Asian continent - Turkey, South Asia and East Asia – along with Islamic art. A reinstallation of the Asian permanent collection is underway in the newly renovated Martin Building and 22,000 square feet of exhibition space will open to the public in the fall of 2021. Of that, 5,000 square feet will be available for temporary exhibitions.

The collection is particularly strong in Chinese art and the incoming curator should have a strong expertise in Chinese art. However, given the collection’s breadth, the incoming curator must also serve as a generalist, lifting up all aspects of the collection. The curator will come with active networks in both the U.S. and abroad that include a variety of individuals and enterprises in the art, culture and museum sectors. The Asian art curator must enjoy working with donors, collectors, and the department’s Friends group, and will welcome wide audiences, including families and students.
​
The successful candidate for this position must have leadership qualities and excellent communication skills. Much of the work at DAM is cross-departmental, and exhibitions are developed through advisory committees that often invite external perspectives. The successful candidate will be someone who enjoys collaboration, welcomes input from other museum staff and from external constituencies, and is willing to have guest- and co-curators for exhibitions in the department.

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear Yellow Lovers,

I am an Asian. And I know Asian art! All those pictures in the Chinese restaurant in my hood are so cool. I know good stuff when I see it! Plus, I think I’m a long-lost relative of the Ming Dynasty. At least, that’s what my pops said. But he was drunk at the time, so maybe he was wrong. I should do an Ancestry thing and find out.
​
I don’t know much about turkey. Except that my grams’ isn’t the best. I mean, it’s always dry. Gramps says it’s as dry as her own bird. And something about it being flappy now. Anywho, I could bring my third cousin in to co-collaborate. He’s really smart. He did all these Bob Ross paintings. I opened a museum of his paintings when I was a kid, so I have a head for business, too.


China and Vases for All Races,
Suzi​
​


Bedroom Eyes

3/23/2021

 

This is right up my… alley.
​

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​Assistant Boudoir Photographer

Milk and Honey Boudoir - Akron, OH
Job Type: Part-time/Contract
$50-$150/hour

Responsibilities of Contractor include but are not limited to the following:
taking pictures of details, and people

holding and/or carrying lighting and other equipment

directing & artistically posing people

independently capturing moments of the day

attending to other photography-related details

promoting "Milk & Honey" on social media (Facebook, Instagram, etc.)

This Job Is Ideal for Someone Who Is:
Dependable -- more reliable than spontaneous

People-oriented -- enjoys interacting with people and working on group projects

Adaptable/flexible -- enjoys doing work that requires frequent shifts in direction
​
Innovative -- prefers working in unconventional ways or on tasks that require creativity

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear Bedroom Beauties,

OMG! I do bedroom pictures all the time. I mean, I have pro lighting and the best outfits. That’s really helped my own business grow. So, I would take that knowledge and help you all out. I feel so comfortable in the bedroom, and I want to learn more about picture stuff.

I comfortable around all kinds of people, and I can bring out the best in anyone. Some people are shy, but once they hear me talk—they’re like pudding in my hands. Thought I usually only entertain on the phone, there are times when I will meet in person with a client. Sometimes they have picture fantasies, and I help them out. So fulfilling. 

Lights, Camera, Coochie,
Suzi​

Guiding Light

3/16/2021

 

I love to show and tell!
​

​Personalities/Characters/Tour Guides

Massage Chair Bus Tours, LLC - Dallas, TX
Job Type: PT
$17-$20/hour plus tips

If you have charm, charisma, energy, a good driving record and enjoy people loving you for taking them on a tour of the city in a high-end massage chair, then apply for this job!

If you do not have any stage, acting, singing, entertaining performance, please do not apply for this job. Your job is to entertain 6 people on a tour with your performance background.

Pay: $34 a tour - (1.5 - 2 hrs)

TIPS!!!! TIPS!!! TIPS!!!! TIPS!!!! TIPS!!!!

Being a tour guide means building a relationship with your guests and taking them on a journey...when you do this in the right way… the tips can be amazing!!!

Most of the facts given during the tour are from a voice recorded tablet so there is very little memorizing of a script involved.

You need to be comfortable driving a 6 passenger, 22' long, E-450 Shuttle Bus.
We offer two types of tours and we will be needing three drivers to cover various shifts.

You will be wearing a purple tailed tuxedo.
​
IT IS HIGHLY IMPORTANT YOU SEND YOUR RESUME WITH A NICE COVER LETTER (A FEW SENTENCES) AS TO WHY YOU WOULD BE A GOOD FIT FOR THIS JOB. WE CALL PEOPLE WHO SEND COVER LETTERS ABOVE OTHERS AS THEY WANT THE JOB MORE.

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear Journeymen,

My grams used to go on bus tours all the time for some old lady fun. Sometimes, she’d take me. So. Much. Fun. All the old men would give me candy and money. Maybe that’s why I have a special place in my heart for my clients that are older. Anywho, my favorite thing to do is to make people feel welcome. I was voted Most Likely to Be an Escort in high school because I love to show people around. But I don’t know why that didn’t make the yearbook…

Plus, Journey is my favorite band! Don’t Stop Believing that I’m the right person for the job. Don’t let us go our Separate Ways without interviewing me, first. I will welcome the opportunity with Open Arms. Don’t let the Lights go down without hiring the best—me!
​


Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’,
Suzi
​


Suzi B. Anthony

3/9/2021

 

I can see myself on stage, and not in a stripper way.
​

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​Historical Performer

Plimoth Patuxet – Plymouth, MA
Job Type: Full-time

Full-time and part-time positions available in this new position for our new Museum Theatre program. Historical Performers portray 17th-century people in timed, scripted or semi-scripted, immersive productions that will be performed multiple times a day. Aspects of this production will include but are not limited to scripted scenarios, plays, hands-on activities, and storytelling. The Historical Performer must have a talent for as well as experience in performance and improvisation while being comfortable interacting with a diverse audience of all ages.

The Historical Performer must be able to take cues from a director, memorize lines and blocking, and improve their performance based on feedback. They also must learn and retain a foundational amount of 17th-century historical information.

The production will be built upon historical research and a foundational script. There will be situations where the Historical Performer must improvise with audience members. Some of the blocking and script will be devised through the rehearsal process.

Participate in additional acting performances/shows including but not limited to 1 person shows, scripted dining experiences and online performances for schools and other groups.

Maintain proper use and care of props, costumes and scenic design.
Wear and use voice amplification devices.

Provide a friendly and welcoming presence for all guests and coworkers throughout the Museum.

Adhere to the policies of Plimoth Patuxet Museums as outlined in the Museum Employee manual and current job description.

Other duties as assigned
This outline description focuses on the primary duties of the position. It is not designed nor intended to include all duties and responsibilities inherent in satisfactory performance of the position. Management reserves the right to revise this job description from time to time as needed.

Fluent in English.

Have a firm understanding of immersive theatre, improvisation, and the theatrical process

Able to deliver an engaging, consistent performance multiple times a day

Able to perform in an outdoor environment for an extended period of time

Able to read and memorize lines, take stage directions, and improve performance based on feedback from director

Able to problem-solve while interacting with guests during performance

Able to learn and complete 17th-century demonstrations and activities

Able to learn and perform a 17th-century dialect

Able to learn and perform period music and dances.

Flexible, resilient and growth mindset

Have an engaging and creative personality with excellent interpersonal skills.

A positive, can-do attitude and sense of humor is essential

Reliability, dependability and punctuality

Fluency in English, strong verbal skills, and ability to communicate clearly and engagingly with guests and colleagues.

Ability to work independently, without direct supervision.

Must be able to read and understand a variety of historical and educational sources.

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear Historical Hotties,
​
The stage has always been my calling. I was the lead in a Christmas play when I was 8-years-old. I played Mary. It was an advent guard production. I mean, it wasn’t supposed to be that way, but I guess people got all upset when I kissed Joseph. How else is a baby supposed to show up? I had to show love, right?
From there, I was in a high school musical. Which was my last because I don’t think musicals are for me. I’m more of a pure drama type. And I did really well in history class. Like, Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1792. And that Game of Thrones happened after the Civil War. And Lord of the Rings was the time of the disciples. Cool stuff.

Where’s My Spotlight,
Suzi
​


Delicious Diva

3/2/2021

 
​I’m yummy. I like yummy things… So, perfect!
​
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​Tasty Talent Resident

BuzzFeed – Los Angeles, CA
Salary :$18 an hour/PT
​
Full Job Description
Tasty's Talent Residency is a program for aspiring on-camera personalities, TikTok/Reel-ers and YouTubers with a passion for viral storytelling and content creation. This entry-level opportunity is perfect for someone looking to kickstart a career in the entertainment, food media, acting, comedy, TikTok-er, digital creator or influencer space as an on-camera talent/content Creator driving personal and BuzzFeed social growth. As a BuzzFeed Resident, you'll work with innovators in the talent space and forge your own relationships with TikTok, Reels, YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitch audiences! The Residency is an entry-level, part-time, $18/hour, 3-9 month-long program, approximately 3 days/20 hours per week, launching in early March!Our screening process opens now, and selected candidates will be asked to self-tape followed by a video call interview, and finally, a remote screen test with our Casting and Talent Teams. 

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear Buzzers,

If ever I was meant to be something, it is this. I was meant to be exposed to the masses. That’s why I did those movies. I mean, you gotta start somewhere. And, I’m really good on the socials. That’s one way I’ve been able to generate so many more phone clients. But I feel my life should mean so much more. And that’s why TikTok fame is my destiny. Seriously. TikTok is Chinese, and I’m Asian. See? Plus the camera loves me.

And I want to influence people in a positive way, like: Stay away from creepers, know that you’re awesome, and that you should pet cats more.

Daughter of Destiny,
Suzi
​


Picture Perfect

2/9/2021

 
Do I know my way around a camera or what! I DO!
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​Wedding Photographer

Fairytale Productions Event Services
Tampa, FL

LEAD PHOTOGRAPHERS NEEDED TO CAPTURE WEDDINGS - great pay, steady work, have fun at parties!

Are you looking to photograph events where people are having a ton of fun and love is in the air? We are a wedding photography company with over 20 years combined in the industry and can help you do that! All you need is some of your own equipment and some experience capturing weddings.

This is a Shoot and Send position - we handle all pre-wedding and post-wedding tasks (including selecting finals and editing). This leaves you with the time you need to focus on your own business!

Pay: $700 per day (8 hours = $87.50/hour). You have the chance to earn $700-$800 multiple days of the year if you provide good work.

Travel: You'll need your own car but you won't always have to travel far! Most of our jobs are in the Tampa area. If you do have to drive far, you'll get compensated for mileage.

FREELANCER MUST PROVIDE OWN EQUIPMENT.
​
Necessary equipment:
-DSLR or Mirrorless camera (2 cameras - one for a backup)
-SD cards and batteries
- Quality Lenses
-Flash (on camera and/or external)

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear Fab Photogs,

This. This is so me. I have been in, like, so many weddings because I am the ultimate bridesmaid. Seriously. I’m the ultimate bridesmaid who knows how to throw awesome parties and have so much fun and keep things moving on wedding day. So imagine all my experience behind the camera!

I know what it takes to make a good pic. I’m *this* close to becoming an influencer. Because my Insta is on point. And, my fun energy will just make everyone have fun and I’ll get the best pics—even ones that shouldn’t make the album cuz they’re a little naughty!!!

​Point and Shoot This,
Suzi

Yogi & Suzi

2/2/2021

 
​Call me Yogi!
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​Park Ranger

​The State of Florida – White Springs
Salary: $2,166.67 Month; $26,000.04 Year

This is moderately independent work providing Visitor Services, Resource Management, Maintenance, Administration and Protection of Stephen Foster Folk Culture Center State Park.

VISITOR SERVICES - Explains facilities and services provided for public use, enjoyment and education; meets visitors, answers questions, provides information and directions. Attempts to resolve visitor complaints while maintaining good public relations. Provides natural and cultural history interpretive programs, assists with set up and break down of all park special events and provides unit specific services as directed.

RESOURCE MANAGEMENT - Recognizes biological communities and the natural processes required for their maintenance. Observes, maintains and protects the natural, cultural, historic and archaeological resources of the park. Participates in prescribed burning related activities. Implements vegetation and wildlife management plans, maintains optimum species control via natural and chemical means. Implements site restoration projects such as reforestation and erosion control. Implements water resources management plans. Collects and records resource management data. Collects and records resource management data.

MAINTENANCE - Maintains park structures, facilities, equipment and grounds through routine, preventive, and corrective maintenance practices. Conducts routine inspections to ensure proper maintenance standards are met. Maintains cleanliness of grounds and facilities.

ADMINISTRATION - Prepares forms and reports on a wide range of subjects including visitation, vehicle usage, purchase requests and accidents. Answers telephone operates park radio, computer and various office equipment; conducts purchasing and fiscal activities in compliance with established procedures. Collects fees, performs cash register transactions and reconciles receipts. Orders, sells and inventories resale merchandise. Answers correspondence and maintains park files.

PROTECTION - Performs routine patrols and security checks; takes appropriate action to ensure visitor safety and adherence to park rules; ensures adherence to the Park Protection Plan. Opens and/or secures park facilities as appropriate. Interprets and enforces park rules pertaining to all natural and cultural resources and facilities and use thereof for the safety and enjoyment of the visitor. Responsible for security of cash fund.
Performs other related duties as required.

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear Pic-ih-nic Basket People,

I have loved the great outdoors thanks to Yogi Bear. I mean, seriously. How cute. And fun. Now, I think we could use a little freshening up of the uniforms, because khaki is just so boring, but if we have to keep those colors, I suggest we wear some Skechers in hot pink or something. Cute and useful, right?
​
I’m really great at giving tours. Many of my phone clients have translated into other opportunities where they have big parties at their homes and they want the ladies there to entertain, and so I always show the girls around the homes and make it sound so awesome. 
And, I’ll be great with security. I have a pink taser, and I’m a fan of the movie “Broken Arrow”. And wasn’t what’s-her-face a park ranger? Yeah. I practiced her moves and stuff. So…

It’s The Climb,
Suzi

P.S. I really hate bugs, so can I limit my time outdoors?

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    Author

    I'm just your average girl who wants a kick-ass life and... love! If I could be a superhero, that would be AWESOME! I'm currently a "phone actress" looking for a really cool career. Don't get me wrong-- I love giving a hand to dudes who need someone to chat with. Everybody needs somebody! But, my parents keep telling me I need a respectable job.  Sigh.

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