the crack files:
Suzi sPEAKS
Just an average girl looking for her dream gig. Hit me up at: [email protected]
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I love games! Actor for Escape Room Intro Video Breaking Point Entertainment – Rancho Cucamonga, CA Contract Looking for an older male (age 40-60) for a role as a Robert Stack – Unsolved Mysteries-style host. This job will only take a couple of hours to shoot. Must learn a 2 minute script, and be able to lip sync to a pre-recorded voice over track. No experience necessary, but any acting experience is preferred. Pay is negotiable. Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Fellow Houdinis, I know you’re looking for a dude, but I think you need a Miss Scarlet-type instead of a wrinkly old man! I look great on camera and I’m great at lip-synching. Like, I can totally rock it! Keys and locks and puzzles, Suzi I’m a daddy’s girl! PA Announcer Lansing Lugnuts – Lansing, MI Part-time The Lansing Lugnuts, Class-A Affiliate of the Toronto Blue Jays, are “Going Nuts" in Michigan’s capital city. Featured in USA Today and on CNN for their success, the Lugnuts make their home at beautiful Cooley Law School Stadium. Job Summary: The PA Announcer is the in-stadium voice of the Lansing Lugnuts. He/She must be able to mix audio on a soundboard, use software to execute sound effects/play music that enhance the fan experience, and read scripted promotional announcements in addition to announcing baseball related activities (batters, pitchers, etc.) The announcer must be able to multitask, keep up with the fast pace of the game and adjust as necessary. Radio station experience a plus, but not necessary. Must be able to work all Lugnuts games Must be able to handle speaking in front of crowds up to 13,000 Must have a clairvoyant voice Suzi's Cover Letter: Dear Father Lovers: I can’t believe there’s a job where I can tell people how awesome my pa is at a baseball game! Baseball is cool because I look good in those hats and jerseys and short shorts. Plus, I saw you need a clairvoyant voice. That’s perfect, because I’ve been developing my psychic abilities. I could read people in the crowd! And my dad loves baseball! I could bring him and show him off! Just so you know, I’ve worked at clubs before as a DJ and I have a sound effects app on my phone, so we’re good to go. I could combine my rap skills with a phat beat and rap about my dad on the mic like this: My dad is awesome, just like sauce He is always the big ol’ boss He’s kind and sweet But don’t make him mad Cuz you might get beat And then you’ll be sad Did you feel that? Who’s Your Daddy, Suzi Just call me Suzio! The female Fabio! Romance Story Writer Needed Zoomob Limited – Chicago, IL $30 an hour Part-time, Contract We are now looking for talented and experienced story writer to lead content for our latest interactive story game. You’ll work with other writers to create interactive stories, craft characters, plots and make your writing come to life in our game! Responsibility Creative writing (Genre: Romantic visual noel for teens/young adult) Hands-on writing, extensive editorial work, game testing, and collaboration are also required Consistently meet tight deadlines Suzi’s Cover Letter:How awesome of a job this is! Makes me thing of Lady Gaga’s Lovegame. I believe in being hands on when it comes to everything. I’ll totally do a FB post to get peeps to help me act out my stories and make them the best romance stories ever! I see that you like tight deadlines. So do I! The tighter, the better! Here’s part of my story example: The city was hot and stinky. But Suzio was determined to find love. At least for the night. And by love she means her love of wine. She won’t get paid for two weeks, so she needs to scam a dude, an older dude. She spots her Fermented Grape Daddy at the bar. Grey hair; smallish man boobs; fat wallet. Perfect. She saunters over, and accidentally drops her phone. As she bends over… Here’s hopin’ we make love together soon, Suzi This would be the coolest thing ever! Freelance Ghostwriter (remote)Few Editorial and Creative Suite – Baton Rouge, LA Contract We’re looking for an energetic, creative, and self-motivated writer who is skilled in book ghostwriting. (If you are also familiar with self-publishing best practices, that’s a plus!) This independent contractor Writer position is remote, which means you can work from anywhere in the US. Expected Outcomes: Work easily under the direction of the Senior Editor. Does not let important details slip through the cracks or derail a project. Generate new and innovative approaches to the creative process. Must be forward-thinking. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Casper Lovers, I’ve always loved ghosts! Casper is a favorite! And I used to dress up like a ghost for Halloween. I even see ghosts. I’m clearvoiyant! I would love to write about my experiences with ghosts. I’ve even had sex with a ghost or two. It was amazing! I could call my book “Haunted Hookups”!  I want you to know I am very forward-thinking. I believe ghosts need respected. Ghosts are people, too! In mutual spookiness, Suzi Good hair is everything! Hair Stylist Lady Jane’s Haircuts for Men – Burlington, WI Contract Lady Jane’s Haircuts for Men is looking for the city’s top stylists and barbers to build their career with us! What is Lady Jane’s? We are an industry leader in the world of men’s hair-cutting, and have been for the past 15 years! In that time, we have successfully opened more than 100 locations across the country, won countless men’s styling awards, and provided incredible experiences for thousands of stylists and their clients! Wicked Awesome Perks of LJ: You choose the days you want to work Clientele provided through aggressive marketing in TV, radio and print Creative, upbeat, fun environments Express your individuality and run your own business Suzi’s Cover Letter: I love to give what I call “blowout jobs”. Nothings looks awesomer than a good blowout! Why shouldn’t a dude get blown? I have cut lots of man hair. Check out my Special Suzi technique: For whatever reason, I’m getting a “neon” vibe when I read your job description. Can I totally throw back to the 80s? Go retro? Like neon and stuff? I’m ready to rock your hairs off! Suzi P.S. I know I’m gonna love working here because you use a lot of exclamation points! I’m totally into the local music scene, so ya! Booking Agent Polaris Music Group – Atlanta, GA Commission Polaris Music Group is currently in search of a booking agent. The booking agent will be responsible for booking live performances including concerts, gigs, tours and radio and TV performances for artists, producers, songwriters and musicians. The booking agent is responsible for developing the artist career in regards to their live performances. The Booking Agent will work closely with the artists’ managers, promoters, and record companies. The booking agent will be responsible for negotiating and issuing contracts, collecting deposits and sending out promotional material. All prospects must have excellent knowledge of the music industry and keep in touch with current music trends is essential, as is building up an excellent network of contacts in the music business. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Fellow Artistans, I love music so much. And I follow bands all the time. There are so many excellent undiscovered bands like: Stinkfinger, and Chloe’s Got a Gun. I read Rolling Stone magazine, so I totally know what’s going on. And I have some music connections. I know this local producer named Little Dookey. He’s totally awesome. I also have a lot of ideas to making performances memorable like interpretive dance. Or using birds on stage would be da bomb. And, I know some Italian dudes that can help collect money when it’s time. Can’t wait to rock the music world with you! Suzi So, I wanted to share my brand new resume with everyone! Isn’t it super cute? I was going to add my picture, but I wanted to be really professional. The flowers make me happy and make most people happy, so why not have them on a resume! Wish me luck on landing an awesome job! We need to be good to Cousin Climate or he’s gonna get mad! Climate Justice Organizer Mothers Out Front $40,000 About Mothers Out Front Mothers Out Front builds our power as mothers to ensure a livable climate for all children. We are building a diverse national movement of mothers, grandmothers, and caregivers dedicated to convincing elected officials and business leaders to work for a swift, complete, and just transition away from fossil fuels to clean and renewable energy. We know that mothers have an important role to play in the climate change movement, and that, when it comes to protecting their children, mothers are an unstoppable force for change! The Cohort of Climate Justice Organizers: Organizers will build capacity for their community teams and their work in climate justice equity. They will do this: Through training and discussions with volunteers; By identifying long-standing structural racism, and promoting energy democracy; By creating action plans, and developing policy recommendations that improve awareness on climate and equity issues and promote change in their communities. What we’re looking for in you: Mother, Grandmother, Caregiver, etc… Some volunteer or paid organizing experience People skills, go-getter, outgoing personality, strong time management skills A passion for climate justice issues, including an analysis around climate change Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Air Heads, I really want to make an impact in this world. And I love air and the sun and stuff, so maybe this is it. My only concern is that I’m not a mom. I mean, I have a cute little wiener dog, so I’m a pet mom. But I’m not a mom, mom. My sister is a bad mom. I watch her kids all the time. Does that count? Plus, wouldn’t it better if I had this job instead of a real mom, because how can a mom of humans have enough time to do all the stuff you want them to? I’ve been called “mommy” if that helps. One of my clients needed motivation to finish, so I let him call me moms. I’m really good at making picket signs. I made a bunch when we were protesting wearing bikinis at the bikini car wash. Why did the bottoms have to be thongs? I don’t need butt floss when I’m bending over washing a car. Can’t I wear some more comfy bottoms? Anywho, here’s to the clouds, sun, and justice for all! Suzi |
AuthorI'm just your average girl who wants a kick-ass life and... love! If I could be a superhero, that would be AWESOME! I'm currently a "phone actress" looking for a really cool career. Don't get me wrong-- I love giving a hand to dudes who need someone to chat with. Everybody needs somebody! But, my parents keep telling me I need a respectable job. Sigh. Archives
August 2022
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