the crack files:
Suzi sPEAKS
Just an average girl looking for her dream gig. Hit me up at: [email protected]
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I’m bi! This is perfect! Animal Interpretation Associate (PT) Liberty Science Center – Jersey City, NJ The Role The part-time Animal Interpretation Associate (AIA) enhances the learning experience of Liberty Science Center’s guests by facilitating the exploration of exhibits and delivering educational programs and activities specifically pertaining to LSC’s animal collection. The AIA is responsible for providing exemplary frontline guest services to foster a safe and enjoyable environment. About You Candidates should have strong interest in animals, ecology, and/or informal education and must be comfortable handling a wide range of invertebrates, amphibians, reptiles, birds and mammal. Strong speaking skills are critical and must be able to perform in front of crowds. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Animal Lovers, I know I can help interpret what animals are saying, because I speak Pig Latin fluently! I took drama in high school, so acting in front of others is no biggie. I’m not shy! I’m creative and would like to develop a snake charmer education thingie. Wouldn’t that be cool? Paws in the Air, Suzi This job is hot. HA! Fire Watch/Hole Watch Spirit Construction – Perry, FL Spirit Construction Services is currently seeking a fire watch for a project in Perry, FL. Project completion set for December 2019. Candidate Requirements: Watch out for fire hazards in the workplace while work is performed by other employees. Keep flammable materials from ignition sources. Make sure you and other employs are aware of the exact location of fire fighting equipment in the immediate area. Be prepared to operate fire extinguishers, hydrants, fixed monitors, and hose carts anytime. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Fellow Hotties, Since I’m a fire sign, who better to watch a fire than me! Fires are for making s’mores and roasting weeneis. But they’re bad when destroying stuff. I learned by accident how to operate a fire extinguisher in high school when our drunk chemistry teacher got her hair on fire during a lab experiment. Fun times. Oh, should I be on the lookout for ghosts since you’re Spirit Construction? Maybe the spirits will help me look for fires! Let Me Stand Next to Your (Not) Fire, Suzi Who doesn’t love wine! Wine Director Felidia – New York, NY Felidia is owned by famed Chef Lidia Bastianich. Lidia is an Emmy award-winning television host, best-selling cookbook author and restaurateur. Job requirements and responsibilities: Excellent food and beverage knowledge, specifically in Italian wines and all spirits. Provide ample and continuous wine training, tasting and education to ensure staff wine knowledge is achieved. During service, ensure to promote, educate, and sell wine to our guests. Continuously taste, research and remain active and relevant in the restaurant and wine industries. Ensure that wine lists are updated daily so staff and guests are aware of any changes. Create new regulars for the restaurant with your strong hospitality skills. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Fellow Winers, Wine is so good for you—and so yummy! I’m an ideas person and I could combine music and wine to get customers. Like rap and wine. If Snoop Dogg can do it, so can I! “The wine Is really fine Gonna get all crunk So I can touch your junk” And I have high alcohol tolerance. I can taste and research for days! One time, a bunch of guys bet they could out-drink me. Fools. I took their money. It seems like it would be fun to work for a company with such a naughty name. I’ve been known to play the skin flute. I mean, who doesn’t want to get some bling? Grapes of Rap, Suzi There’s nothing like sisterhood! Sorority House Director Alpha Omicron Pi – Columbus, OH House Director Position Currently accepting resumes for House Director positions across the United States. The House Director’s primary responsibility is managing a safe and secure sorority house under the direction of AOII Properties. Position Summary The House Director oversees day-to-day operations of the facility, including personnel management (when applicable) and coordination of on-site vendors and service providers. Priorities Ensure that facility is diligently maintained in such a way that the safety and well-being of members is protected Keep all AOII information, business, and member practices confidential Essential Functions Ensure facility meets all fire, safety, and health department requirements Easily able to maneuver flights of stairs Able to lift items weighing up to 30 pounds Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Sisters in Sin, I was in a sorority when I spent two years in college. It was a blast! The parties. The boys. So. Much. Naughty. Since I know that side of things. I can teach from experience, and be responsible for shaping young lives. I would hold seminars on: How Not to Be a Hoe Condoms Are Your Best Friend The Dangers of Bathroom Sex Don’t Flirt With Professor Perve Hope to chat soon! Kegs & Legs, Suzi Bring on the Hidden Valley Ranch! Ranch Worker Equine Voices Rescue & Sanctuary – Amado, AZ Daily duties of the ranch worker include, but are not limited to, feeding and watering of 63 equines, daily dragging and stall mucking 2x/day, performing interventions such as de-worming and vaccination administration, maintaining animal records as well as equipment records, loading/moving equines as necessary, performing physical inspections to maintain equine health, assisting with hay/feed deliveries and able to manage volunteer workers. Skills such as physical strength, stamina, organization, teamwork, critical thinking, the ability to follow instructions, and coordination needed. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Dippers, I don’t know how you managed to do it, but you’ve combined two awesome things—ranch dressing and horses! I see the horse part here, but what the ranch part? I have so many ideas to “up” the ranch game, like: A giant ranch fountain! We can dip chicken tenders and pizza in it all day long and invite people to come see our gigantic ranch fountain! Our own brand of ranch! Call it Straight from the Horse’s Spout! Holla back! For The Love of White Creamy Stuff, Suzi Who doesn’t want to have fun all the time? Recess Enrichment Coach E3Sports – New York, NY $13.50 - $15.50/hour – Part-time Enjoy working with kids? Looking to mentor the future generation of leaders? Want to have fun in the schoolyard? E3Sports provides a positive learning environment for students with physical activity during the school day. E3Sports programming is designed to increase overall safety of recess, diminish instances of bullying, and promote a healthy lifestyle. Competencies: Communication: ability to communicate via phone, text, and email in a timely manner. Team players welcome! Organization: must be able to handle session logistics either indoor or outdoor and engage as many students as possible. The goal is to be the Mayor of the Recess—get to know as many students as possible! Dependability: must be available for the school calendar year. It’s like being a teacher—daily commitment necessary! Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Role Models, I’m a kid at heart! And I am great with kids! I love to play games, be athletic, eat ice cream, and color! Plus, Mayor Suzi of Recess sounds awesome! I like playground stuff, but let’s mix it up! We could do Sumo wrestling, dunk tanks… those giant inflatable clear balls that you climb into and roll around in… fun! Let’s Be Playmates, Suzi I love crabs! Delish! Alaska Shellfish (Crab) Observer Saltwater – Alaska Alaska crab observers collect biological data while living aboard commercial crab boats fishing in the Bering Sea. The Alaska Department of Fish and Game (ADF&G) uses observer data to monitor crab populations, set catch limits, and monitor interactions with protected seabirds, fish, and corats. Boats in the crab fleet range in size from 80-foot catcher vessels to 300-foot catcher/processors. Conditions vary widely—but all require observers to be flexible, resourceful, able to work long hours and do heavy lifting (up to 50 pounds). The workday is determined by the vessel’s fishing schedule and can range from 5-15 hours a day. Observer Duties: Collect crab shell measurements Carry out crab ID sexing Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Fellow Watchers, I love boats! They’re so much fun, and I always get the best tans on boats. I could wear a cute bikini, one of those Russian furry hats, and boots with fur! Plus, I love crab cakes, and Crabby Patty from Sponge Bob. Oh, and I’ve always wanted to visit Alaska and see Eskimos. I would like an Eskimo kiss. Or an Eskimo Pie. The only thing I feel weird about is the crab sexing. I feel like I’m invading their privacy by watching them get it on. But, whatever the job requires! Here’s To The Good Kind of Crabs, Suzi I’m already an actress! Actors Wanted For Inside Telemarketing Sales 1st Class Medical – Englewood, CO If you can act, you can sell! Our company is looking for talented actors to join us in medical sales. Our reps make 100k per year. Previous work history that is usually a success with our company: Actors Car Salesman Steel Building Sales Investment Sales Timeshare Mortgage We sell products that people need not want. As long as you have a great voice and acting skills, I can guarantee you will earn 100k or more per year. If you are looking for you big role one day on the big screen, this is a great place to practice your skills. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Fellow Nominees, I feel very connected to this job already. I’m a phone actress at night. And I’m really good at pretending I dig my clients. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure they’re cool. But there are a lot of freaks out there! But since I love to help others, I don’t mind. I’m patient, especially with the older dudes with wiener issues. Everybody needs love! Anywho, I can’t wait to make 100 karat gold a year! I look good in gold! Bling, bling! Pacinos and Streeps for All, Suzi Aloha! Tour Coordinator Hilton Grand Vacations HGV - Honolulu, HI A Tour Coordinator is responsible for handling all incoming calls form external and internal customers to book, confirm and track Asia Pacific (APAC) timeshare tours in accordance with approved policies and procedures while coordinating efforts with our partners in Japan for direct bookings. They coordinate appointments with the corresponding office by tour type and ensure maximization of tour slot availability by sales office. Qualifications What are we looking for? Strong organizational skills to manage multiple duties in a fast-paced work environment Good interpersonal skills Ability to communicate verbally, read, and comprehend English Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Adventurers, This speaks to me so much. Because I’m Asian. And I want people to experience Asian. I’m good with people and organized. And I like Hibachi. A lot. Like, I need it once a week. Something about flaming onions and catching shrimp in my mouth. And the sake… Wanna Come & Lei Me, Suzi |
AuthorI'm just your average girl who wants a kick-ass life and... love! If I could be a superhero, that would be AWESOME! I'm currently a "phone actress" looking for a really cool career. Don't get me wrong-- I love giving a hand to dudes who need someone to chat with. Everybody needs somebody! But, my parents keep telling me I need a respectable job. Sigh. Archives
August 2022
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