the crack files:
Suzi sPEAKS
Just an average girl looking for her dream gig. Hit me up at: [email protected]
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I’m a little bit country…  House Attendant Los Angeles Country Club - Los Angeles, CA Job Type: Full-time or Part-time Position Summary Clean all public areas, employee areas and golf course bathrooms, tennis pro office, maintenance dorms and offices as assigned, in accordance with established quality and performance standards. Assist in the moving of furniture from various locations to accommodate banquet needs. Additional responsibilities include those of a Bellman and Doorman when needed. Performs duties for scheduled projects related to maintenance as assigned by the Department Head. Suzi’s Cover Letter:Dear One-Percenters, I’ve been wanting to unite two worlds: rich and poor. And what better way than through country music. I think a great theme would be country meets the country club. Yee Hawwwww! With pinkies up, of course! Think of all the fun that could be had. Riding a mechanical bull before dinner with Tiffany and Benson. Drinking Cristal from Mason jars. Eating Waygu jerky. Let’s be united in our snobbery. Plus, momma said a country club is a good place to meet a good man. In fact, one of my phone clients is a rich dude who goes to a country club… His wife never wants to play in the hay, so… Clubbers and Chuggers, Suzi I always had a crush on Steve Irwin!  Wildlife Technician Meridian Bird Removal – Jackson, TN Part-Time/$1,000-$1,500 per month Do you enjoy the thrill of the chase? Would you like to get paid for doing something you enjoy as much as a hobby? Come join us and catch birds! We have captured tens of thousands of birds across the nation, and we want you to join us. Our motto: We Embrace New Adventures Daily! Meridian Bird Removal is seeking a Part-Time Bird Removal Technician who likes a challenge and is committed to seeing a job through to completion. Who is our ideal candidate? Our diverse workforce consists of talented individuals of many different backgrounds and includes hunters, trappers, wildlife and outdoor enthusiasts, biologists, recent college graduates, retired professionals, veterans, artists, and more! People who succeed in this role come from backgrounds such as veterinarian assistants, dog walkers, pest control, technicians, wildlife removal, and much more! We also have people who are gig workers, freelancers, and contractors. As a company, we love to hire bird enthusiasts and animal lovers! What will you need to succeed? The right candidate will have a strong passion for solving customers' problems. Our technicians address health and food safety issues created by birds. Commits to completing each job Solves problems Has a thirst for knowledge Has an appreciation for wildlife and nature Loves helping people Thrives independently yet can be part of a team Enjoys traveling Embraces adventure and challenge Meet the physically demanding requirements of the job-standing, walking, lifting, and looking up at birds. Meet the visual requirements—are you able to see small birds at long distances and follow their flight patterns. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Feathered Friends, I feel like birds are my spirit animal. And I’ve felt that ever since I held the first bird in my hand. Since then, I have so many in my hand. Big. Small. Crooked. They’re all wonderful and special! And they always respond well to me! And I let them hop all over me—even my face. I don’t mind. And I love to hug! So, embracing whatever bird you need me to is cool. Pecking Away, Suzi I’m the expert on all things brunch! Quiche Interpreter Linguistica International – Tuscaloosa, AL Remote/Contract Full Job Description At Linguistica International, we meet any type of language service needs, including telephone-based interpretation, on-site interpretation, and written translation. Our services are available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year and our qualified professional interpreters cover over 350 languages and dialects. Responsibilities: Receive client-calls and answer in a professional manner Render correct concepts and meanings between requested language and English, upholding correct rules of grammar, clarity, and tone, from one language into another Provide clear and accurate renditions with no additions or omissions Employ good customer service and clear enunciation, pronunciation, pleasant and professional voice as well as polite forms of expression Remain calm during emergency calls Ensure access to the Internet for work-related to electronic communication Follows client’s instructions, manage the flow of the call and avoid taking over the call, as well as avoids having side conversations with the limited English speaker Qualifications: Native, or near-native, fluency in requested language and English Ability to explain cultural concepts to avoid miscommunication, and to act as a cultural broker Ability to concentrate, stay detached from the conversation and remain neutral and objective at all times while following the client’s instructions closely Excellent listening, retention and note-taking skills to maintain a high level of accuracy Knowledge of industry-specific terminology; on-going study of glossaries and training materials including scripts provided by our clients Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Quichers, My pops said there was this belief once that “real men don’t eat quiche”. Like, why? Quiche is so yummy. In fact, I’ve made it my mission since childhood to make delicious quiches and get my pops to eat them – which he did—and he LOVES THEM. And he’s a real man. So, winning! My favorite quiche is this sausage hashbrown quiche that I like to serve with biscuits. I make an awesome green chile quiche that I serve with hot sausage and salsa. I love mini, crust-less quiches. I am a pro! So, I can identify any quiche you need me to. Eggs in a Pie Crust, Suzi I used to be a checkers champ! CheckerWatco Companies – Texas Are you looking for a career in a fast-paced environment in the most exciting industry in the world where the opportunities for growth and learning are endless? If your answer is yes, then come be a part of the Watco team! Not only do we offer industry leading benefits, competitive pay, vacation and 401k, we also have a top of the line training program, Watco University, to educate our team members and help them to grow their career to the next level. Description: Discusses the next day’s workload with the company department manager to place the labor order for drivers. Informs of number of drivers needed. Dispatches Mule Drivers according to work flow. Manages logistics for all per diem cargo orders to expedite load or delivery. Assesses export cut offs for cargo to meet ship out deadlines. Manages all warehouse clerks to monitor production. Communicates via 2-way radio with drivers, clerks, warehouse personnel, security guards and warehouse manager to coordinate logistics of warehouse. Inspects all containers to verify that they are in good condition for turn in. Reports damages to maintenance department. Receives and enters production documentation from clerks. Required Safety Gear must be worn at all times to include: Safety vest, steeled-toe shoes, and hard hats must be worn on terminal or in yard. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Double Jumpers, Who doesn’t love checkers? You may think you’re good, but I’m the champion. In fact, I won a regional checkers competition when I was 10. I have the trophy if you want to see it some time. I prefer the red checkers, but I can win with the black ones, too. I think it’s really cool that you want a uniform for your checkers people. I think there should be a professional checkers team with uniforms and it should be an Olympic sport. Maybe we could lead the way. I can design the uniforms! So many ideas… Checkered Mates, Suzi Me and Homer Simpson love the same thing—donuts! Donut Tour Guide Underground Donut Tour – Chicago, IL Part-time/$25 an hour Underground Donut Tour is Hiring! Are you a people person who loves donuts? Do you love showing off your city? Are you looking for a low stress job that feels like you're just hanging out with friends? If so, you might be right for this position. The Underground Donut Tour is currently hiring in Chicago. In business for over 5 years, the Underground Donut Tour is quickly becoming one of the country’s most popular food tours (Chicago, Philadelphia, New York, Portland and Seattle). A two hour walking food tour that stops at several of the best donut shops in downtown Chicago. In order to apply for this position, you should be: Self-motivated and ready to try new things A friendly, jovial person with a positive attitude Able to meet, greet, and speak in front of groups with ease An excellent communicator who can clearly enunciate and project your voice Able to think on your feet and adapt to different situations quickly and easily Able to keep a groups attention and entertain/educate them with fun facts about the tour and your city Able to interact with various types of people and personalities with ease Able to work weekends, and potentially Thursday or Friday as needed Able to follow a specific routine/path to ensure consistency and quality of the tour experience Able to present yourself in a positive, well-groomed manner to project an enjoyable, family friendly brand for the Underground Donut Tour Comfortable standing and walking for 2+ hours while leading the tour Legally authorized to work in the US Additional items that are preferred, but not required: You work in tourism, hospitality, theater, entertainment, comedy, or a related industry You have easy access to your own transportation or public transportation, so you can pick up tours on short notice You have some knowledge about donuts, pastries, confections, or other desserts Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Donutters, Do I love donuts or what!?!? I eat them. I make them. I buy them… and there isn’t a cream stick I won’t shove in my mouth. The donut, too! I’m really good with people, and I when I was little, I pretended to be one of the girls on The Price Is Right that looks all bangin’ and knows how to show off the products. It’s like it’s meant to be! Plus, all that walking around will burn off the calories eating all those yummy donuts. So this is a fitness thing and a food thing, which is fantastic! P.S. One time I made a doughkini—a bikini made from donuts—for a party. Let’s just say it was a hit! Glazed and Confused, Suzi OMG! Christmas is the bestest holiday ever! Digital Santa ClausSanta Calls – Phoenix, AZ Contract/$75 an hour Full Job Description This year Christmas will be different, and the magic of the Santa and North Pole is making its debut over the internet. With malls closed around the nation, Santa's (work) home is in quarantine. It's a good thing Santa's nifty elves hammered away on the mobile application, Santa Calls. By using Facetime, and Zoom technology children all over the nation will still be able to talk to a real, live Santa Claus. Join our team and help us make children smile and feel the magic of Christmas. We are dedicated to giving every child an opportunity to believe this Christmas. Requirements: Pass Background Check Good communication skills Positive attitude, warm smile, welcoming voice Must enjoy interacting with children and families Real Beard, Excellent personal hygiene Ability to sit for long periods of time Full Santa outfit By contracting with the Santa Calls team you will be paid on a per-call basis working only part-time. You will represent the company as Santa from the North Pole. Your duties will be to manage a call queue list and make Facetime, or Zoom calls to families and children for 2-minutes. During the call, you will be required to gather key information from the child, such as name and what they want for Christmas. It is important to make this experience magical for the child. Not all children are very talkative, you must be able to adapt to adversity. Have readily available books, jingles, or stories to tell. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear North Polers, Christmas is my favoritest holiday! Like, I want to have Christmas stuff all year, but I don’t feel like being shamed about it, so… I always wanted to be Santa Claus, because Santa brings so much joy into the world! And, I think anyone can be Santa—even a chick—because it’s about your heart. It’s not about race or gender. And, I think Santa needs to recognize adults, too. I’ve dressed up as Santa many times for video chats with my male clients. They were very pleased with my fishnets and leather boots and red lingerie. Imagine how I could inspire others? So many North Poles, so little time… Spreading legs and love, Suzi I’m related to some Chins! Chin Interpreter Linguistica International – Kansas City, MO Full Job Description At Linguistica International, we meet any type of language service needs, including telephone-based interpretation, on-site interpretation, and written translation. Our services are available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year and our qualified professional interpreters cover over 350 languages and dialects. Responsibilities: Receive client-calls and answer in a professional manner Render correct concepts and meanings between requested language and English, upholding correct rules of grammar, clarity, and tone, from one language into another Provide clear and accurate renditions with no additions or omissions Employ good customer service and clear enunciation, pronunciation, pleasant and professional voice as well as polite forms of expression Remain calm during emergency calls Qualifications: Native, or near-native, fluency in requested language and English Ability to explain cultural concepts to avoid miscommunication, and to act as a cultural broker Ability to concentrate, stay detached from the conversation and remain neutral and objective at all times while following the client’s instructions closely Excellent listening, retention and note-taking skills to maintain a high level of accuracy Suzi’s Cover Letter:Dear Chintzies, I can speak chin. Chins are very important to the look of someone’s face. A double chin is cute on a baby, but let’s be honest. You’re kind of a fatty if you have two chins. I can help people define their chin with makeup and slim their double (or triple—thanks, COVID) chin. Scarves are good for that. Or some shading. I’m also good with Chinese Chins, because my mom was a Chin before she married my dad—a Wang. Though I’ve heard my mom has had some wangs on her chin before, but... I’m thinking that has nothing to do with this job. But if it does, I can take one or two on the chin, too. Chinny-chin-chins, Suzi Clusters are good. They make me think of squirrels! Commerce Cluster Writers Dotdash – Remote About Your Role: As a freelance commerce updates editor for The Spruce, you will review and revise existing commerce articles in our content management system in order to elevate user experience, according to specific project instructions and brand guidelines. Updates commerce editors must commit to 20 hours weekly. About Your Contributions: You will research and perform revisions or updates to commerce content directly in our content management system as needed according to specific project instructions and brand guidelines. In some cases you will use your editorial instinct to independently assess what work is necessary on a piece of commerce content before performing an update You will fact check and copy edit on top of any larger revisions and updates. About You: You have a strong background in commerce writing with current industry knowledge and relationships. You’re always on top of new trends and products. Experience covering home improvement, pet products, appliances (large or small), or children’s toys a plus, but not required. You’re able to easily adopt an established brand voice, and you adhere to strict brand and style guidelines like a pro. You’re comfortable working in a content management system and can work quickly, independently and accurately. You are comfortable working remotely. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear C Effers, I have experience writing in catalogs. Okay. One catalog. Like, really one catalog only ever came out. It was for my bestie’s startup lingerie company. But then it didn’t happen and she just did an OnlyFans thing. But… I wrote some really good stuff. Here’s a sample: ENDLESS ECSTASY It's an artful orgasm wrapped inside a velvet bag. The Immortal Jade Glass Dildo is individually crafted and hand blown-- and guaranteed to blow your mind. A G-spot stimulator with spiral ridge, and three balls won't miss a single, delicious spot. Use warm or cold for whatever sensation you desire. 10-inches, 4.5-inch circumference (1.5-inch diameter); dishwasher safe; hypoallergenic; chemical and odor resistant; from the Glass Gem Collection. Right!?!?! Didn’t know I had it in me. I mean, I didn’t really have this in me… Oh—are there going to be work squirrels? Dottin’ and Dashin’, Suzi Math. I’ve got this. Duh! BookkeeperAccounting for Jewelers – Tennessee $15 - $20/hour, Full-time, Part-time Position Overview: Accounting for Jewelers, LLC is currently seeking a staff Bookkeeper to work with a roster of 18 - 20 clients. For this role, we’re looking for someone who has accounting experience, is tech-savvy, and servant-hearted. This is a part-time, work from home position. Hourly rate commensurate with experience. No benefits offered for part-time employees, but there is existing opportunity for the right candidate to go full time and take on more responsibilities not listed here. Part Time Probation and Training Period. Full Time Potential. Flexible Hours. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear (Word) Problem Solvers, If anything were more genetically meant to be, this is it. Hello! Asians and math are like oil and water! Like cats and dogs! Plus, I love jewelry. So counting carrots and stones are, like, perfect for me. I’m very good with jewels. I wear them. I fondle them to get some jewels. It’s all good. Plus, I helped one of my clients keep things off the books, so…I can do that for you, too. And, not only can I add stuff up, but I could model your jewelry too. I could wear gold paint and you could put the jewelry on me! Like two jobs from one person! Me! Bling and Bookkeeping, Suzi Let me rock, ya, Chaka Khan! Script writer / Voice over SHAKAWEAR – Los Angeles, CA Remote/Contract Looking for a gifted individual with script writing and voice over experience to write, edit storyboards, video scripts and other documentation for a streetwear company located in Los Angeles. Ideal candidates can tackle the process of discussing many facets of the apparel/streetwear industry by creating short videos and performing the voice over. You will work as part of a team of apparel experts and graphic designers to develop the training videos. Must have strong writing experience, sense of humor, a strong work ethic and a team player. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Rattlers, I am all about shaking and rattling. I’ve been a fidget my whole life, and I got some juice in the streets. Everybody knows Suzi S and what I’m about. Which is keepin’ it real on the DL. Fo shizzle. I’m known for my style and my can do attitude. And I talk good and stuff. I do have phone acting experience and my results are always A+. I know that being an influence is something I can do in my sleep, but since this is all active and stuff I won’t be sleeping on the job. Plus, I’m so pumped that Chaka Khan has her own shapewear. She’s booty-tastic and so cool! Shaka, Rattle and Wear, Suzi |
AuthorI'm just your average girl who wants a kick-ass life and... love! If I could be a superhero, that would be AWESOME! I'm currently a "phone actress" looking for a really cool career. Don't get me wrong-- I love giving a hand to dudes who need someone to chat with. Everybody needs somebody! But, my parents keep telling me I need a respectable job. Sigh. Archives
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