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CRACK WISE MAG

the crack files:
​Suzi sPEAKS

Just an average girl looking for her dream gig. Hit me up at: [email protected]

    JOIN THE FUNFORMATION MOVEMENT! 

    ​And don't worry. We won't spam you or sell your info. We don't have that kind of time... or motivation. 
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Pull the Train

8/23/2022

 
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This week's job app​:

THE JOB:

Train Crew

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THE LETTER:

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THE RESPONSE:

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Wag the Dog

8/9/2022

 
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This week's job app​:

THE JOB:

Dog Walker

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THE LETTER:

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THE RESPONSE:

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Comfort Queen

4/27/2021

 
I love the word ​liaison. It sounds fancy—like me.
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​Reservation & Guest Experience Agent

THE GUILD
Full-Time: From $15/hour

Full Job Description:
Our goal...to craft incredible experiences for people that love to explore while enjoying the comforts of home.

The Guild offers the comfort and convenience of a high-end apartment with the personalized service of a boutique hotel. We believe traveling in comfort is more than someone making your bed while you’re out or delivering room service while you’re in. It’s feeling at ease. Relaxed.

Your role:
The Guest Experience Central Team is a high volume inbound contact center environment going above and beyond to provide Guild guests with a step-above world class experience. A successful agent must display both strong communication skills with computer literacy and exceptional guest service abilities to assist the guest beyond the transactional experience to a transformational guest experience. Our agents are empowered to own the guest relationship to maintain industry leading NPS of 80+. You will be responsible for (mostly) inbound contacts via text, phone, email, etc, and possess the ability to work through multiple systems to assist guests quickly, and with quality.

What you’ll do:
Handle inbound guest contacts across multiple channels and tools (phone, email, sms, chat), primarily responsible for making reservations and answering guest questions.

Effectively communicate with guests to exceed their expectations with your guidance, knowledge, patience, and issue resolution

Assist guests at each step of the customer journey to ensure a streamlined, positive experience resulting in promoters and repeat bookings

Treat our guests as friends first to make every stay perfect and offer up your city knowledge at every opportunity (suggest authentic city favorites, foods, and hot spots)
​
Identify and take action on/make suggestions for guests based on your research into their reservation or inquiries

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear Secret Agents,

This job is my heart: quality customer experiences! Like, I totally do that now. I mean, I don’t schedule cool vacays anywhere for people, but I do create a getaway, fantasy world for them. It will be nice to travel outside the mind for once. And who doesn’t love a vacation?

I’m all about making sure the customer is happy from start to finish. I never leave my phone clients hanging. I want to know that I’ve fulfilled their desires and that there is always a happy ending? Isn’t that what it’s all about? The cherry on top?

Plus, being a comfort woman is kinda in my blood. There was that thing in history where the Japanese made other Asian women sex workers for their men. But this is obvs more positive because I’m choosing to do it.

Here to Please,
Suzi
​


Suzi B. Anthony

3/9/2021

 

I can see myself on stage, and not in a stripper way.
​

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​Historical Performer

Plimoth Patuxet – Plymouth, MA
Job Type: Full-time

Full-time and part-time positions available in this new position for our new Museum Theatre program. Historical Performers portray 17th-century people in timed, scripted or semi-scripted, immersive productions that will be performed multiple times a day. Aspects of this production will include but are not limited to scripted scenarios, plays, hands-on activities, and storytelling. The Historical Performer must have a talent for as well as experience in performance and improvisation while being comfortable interacting with a diverse audience of all ages.

The Historical Performer must be able to take cues from a director, memorize lines and blocking, and improve their performance based on feedback. They also must learn and retain a foundational amount of 17th-century historical information.

The production will be built upon historical research and a foundational script. There will be situations where the Historical Performer must improvise with audience members. Some of the blocking and script will be devised through the rehearsal process.

Participate in additional acting performances/shows including but not limited to 1 person shows, scripted dining experiences and online performances for schools and other groups.

Maintain proper use and care of props, costumes and scenic design.
Wear and use voice amplification devices.

Provide a friendly and welcoming presence for all guests and coworkers throughout the Museum.

Adhere to the policies of Plimoth Patuxet Museums as outlined in the Museum Employee manual and current job description.

Other duties as assigned
This outline description focuses on the primary duties of the position. It is not designed nor intended to include all duties and responsibilities inherent in satisfactory performance of the position. Management reserves the right to revise this job description from time to time as needed.

Fluent in English.

Have a firm understanding of immersive theatre, improvisation, and the theatrical process

Able to deliver an engaging, consistent performance multiple times a day

Able to perform in an outdoor environment for an extended period of time

Able to read and memorize lines, take stage directions, and improve performance based on feedback from director

Able to problem-solve while interacting with guests during performance

Able to learn and complete 17th-century demonstrations and activities

Able to learn and perform a 17th-century dialect

Able to learn and perform period music and dances.

Flexible, resilient and growth mindset

Have an engaging and creative personality with excellent interpersonal skills.

A positive, can-do attitude and sense of humor is essential

Reliability, dependability and punctuality

Fluency in English, strong verbal skills, and ability to communicate clearly and engagingly with guests and colleagues.

Ability to work independently, without direct supervision.

Must be able to read and understand a variety of historical and educational sources.

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear Historical Hotties,
​
The stage has always been my calling. I was the lead in a Christmas play when I was 8-years-old. I played Mary. It was an advent guard production. I mean, it wasn’t supposed to be that way, but I guess people got all upset when I kissed Joseph. How else is a baby supposed to show up? I had to show love, right?
From there, I was in a high school musical. Which was my last because I don’t think musicals are for me. I’m more of a pure drama type. And I did really well in history class. Like, Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1792. And that Game of Thrones happened after the Civil War. And Lord of the Rings was the time of the disciples. Cool stuff.

Where’s My Spotlight,
Suzi
​


Scent From Heaven

12/8/2020

 
​I love good-smelling stuff! 
​
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​Fragrance Freelance Associate

NEST NEW YORK - Dallas, TX
Job Title: Retail Freelancer
Location: Dallas

WELCOME TO NEST NEW YORK
Where mood is elevated, and scent is celebrated. Our fragranced home, perfume, and body care collections transform the everyday through scents that transport, inspire and captivate the senses. Recognized by the fragrance industry as a game-changer, founder

Laura Slatkin has a unique approach to fragrance, artfully blending notes of the familiar, the exotic, and the unexpected for a fragrance experience like no other.

LET NEST NEW YORK SCENT YOUR WORLD
Job Summary: We are seeking an individual who is motivated, passionate, and a true lover of scents to join our NEST team in the Dallas Market. This person must be highly motivated to sell beautiful products and to create an above and beyond customer experience.
 
Responsibilities include but are not limited to:
Achieve sales goals set by selling manager

Create an atmosphere of beauty and luxury

Merchandising of products to mirror Brand image

Relationship building and maintenance with customers

Liaison and collaboration with department store staff

Maintain a high level of customer service by creating a memorable experience.

Must have the ability to work independently and be a self-starter.
​
Recruiting and introducing the brand to EVERY customer.
​
Always uphold a company standard and maintain a professional image.

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear Spritzers,

Smelling good is so important. I always make sure I smell good, and my man smells good. I’ve always told my dudes to spray their balls, because nobody wants to bob in a pool full of stank, you know what I mean? So, I’m your perfect Scentsociate! I just made up a cool word!
And I own a couple of suits, but would be willing to buy more because nothing says a pro girl like a suit! I want to impress.

I can’t wait to work for Ms. Slutkin! I’m sure she’s gotten around the fragrance world and can teach me so much. I’m like a sponge. One night I was a sponge for some fun-lovin’ frat guys, but I had had too much harry buffalo, so…

But I’m kinda confused. Is this in New York or Dallas? I’ll move anywhere for the right opp!
​
First Who Smelt It Sprayed It,
Suzi

Decked Out

11/10/2020

 
I’m seaman friendly!
​
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​Able Bodied Seaman – (A.B.)

ConocoPhillips – Texas

Who We Are
We are one of the world’s largest independent exploration and production companies, based on proved reserves and production of liquids and natural gas. With operations in 17 countries, we explore for, develop and produce crude oil and natural gas globally. We are challenged with an important job to safely find and deliver energy to the world. Our employees are critical to our success, and with them we power civilization.

We’re grounded by our SPIRIT Values – safety, people, integrity, responsibility, innovation and teamwork. These values position us to deliver strong performance in a dynamic business – but not at all costs. We believe it’s not just what we do – it’s how we do it – that sets us apart.

We strive to make a significant difference in the communities where we live and operate. We create an inclusive environment that values all voices and opinions. Together, the different backgrounds, experiences, ideas and perspectives of our employees drive our success.

Your responsibilities may include:
Docking/undocking procedures (handling lines, securing ship, etc.) and assisting with taking and discharging of cargo

Standing watch, either as lookout or on the bridge steering the vessel

Performing deck related maintenance duties under supervision of the Boatswain

Working aloft in certain situations

Working two 4 hour watches per 24-hour period with overtime occurring routinely. The A.B. can work no more than 15 hours per day, and cannot work more than 36 hours in any 72-hour period.

Qualifications
Basic/Required:
Must be legally authorized to work in the United States as a U.S. citizen or national, or an alien admitted as permanent resident, refugee or asylee

Passport

Willingness and ability to:
To be away from home for periods in excess of two months

Push/pull up to 200 pounds

Lift/carry up to 100 pounds floor to shoulder

Lift up to 50 pounds floor to overhead

Climb stairs/ladders
​
Stand for long periods of time

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Ahoy!

I’m a very open girl and I’m open about seaman. I mean, it’s crucial to making life! I was a wiz in health class. I am a little confused with what seaman has to do with decks, unless it’s, like, a polisher or something.

My first encounter with seaman was in Bobby Johnson’s car. He asked if I could but all hands on deck, so I did, and then… 

And… I can lift heavy men. There was this one dude in college that like being body slammed by girls. Weird. But kinda fun!

One time I dressed like a hot sailor for Halloween and won!

Let’s Shove Off Together,
Suzi


Thankful

9/15/2020

 
​Every day, I wake up with thanks and stuff!

Gratitude Ambassador

SendThanksNow -- Chicago, IL
Remote
Part-time, Contract, Commission/Pay: $10.00 - $25.00 per hour

SendThanksNow is seeking Ambassadors to amplify our voice and help build a more grateful world. Since launching our beta platform, STN has been rapidly growing our community of users. We believe that everyone deserves thanks and we need your help to pay it forward.

Gratitude Ambassadors will be responsible for promoting our brand. You may use your own personal creativity to spread gratitude in order to build the community. Ambassadors will also have access to the SendThanksNow Team and internally developed collateral.

The STN platform utilizes Hearts (1 Heart = 1 cent) plus messages, pictures, and videos to send gratitude. Ambassadors will be given thousands of Hearts to give away as the main method of community recruitment. Every Heart has a story and Ambassadors will help share them.
​
Learn more here: https://sendthanksnow.com/about
Watch our explainer: https://youtu.be/v_6hrR3ENvo

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear Tuders,

OMG! I am always thankful and always telling people thankful and always talking about what I’m thankful for. So to make a living being thankful… GAH!
I’m thankful for (Top 5 in no order):
Thongs
Puppies
Makeup
Queso
Hot dogs

And that whole one heart is one cent. It’s like selling candy bars at school! I love the thought of giving everyone a heart on!

Full Hearts,
Suzi


What a Gem

8/27/2020

 
​Math. I’ve got this. Duh!

​Bookkeeper 

Accounting for Jewelers – Tennessee
$15 - $20/hour, Full-time, Part-time

Position Overview:
Accounting for Jewelers, LLC is currently seeking a staff Bookkeeper to work with a roster of 18 - 20 clients.

For this role, we’re looking for someone who has accounting experience, is tech-savvy, and servant-hearted.

This is a part-time, work from home position. Hourly rate commensurate with experience. No benefits offered for part-time employees, but there is existing opportunity for the right candidate to go full time and take on more responsibilities not listed here.
​
Part Time Probation and Training Period. Full Time Potential. Flexible Hours.

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear (Word) Problem Solvers,

If anything were more genetically meant to be, this is it. Hello! Asians and math are like oil and water! Like cats and dogs! Plus, I love jewelry. So counting carrots and stones are, like, perfect for me.

I’m very good with jewels. I wear them. I fondle them to get some jewels. It’s all good. Plus, I helped one of my clients keep things off the books, so…I can do that for you, too.

And, not only can I add stuff up, but I could model your jewelry too. I could wear gold paint and you could put the jewelry on me! Like two jobs from one person! Me! 

Bling and Bookkeeping,
Suzi


Handled

3/17/2020

 
​I’m no Chelsea, but I’m a handler!

​Mascot Handler 

Southern California – Part-time

Job Title: Shieldy Handler
Location: Southern California
Classification: Part-time (Non-exempt)

Position Overview:
USA Water Polo is seeking an outgoing, organized and motivated candidate to serve as a handler for its official costumed mascot, Shieldy. In this position, individuals will gain hands-on experience within and across a diverse set of game day promotional roles and functions, including theme night marketing and promotions, fan engagement and on-deck entertainment. This position is part-time, on an as-needed basis aligning with the USA Water Polo 2020 events calendar.

Responsibilities:
Escort and accompany Shieldy while performing game duties and designated off-site appearances.

Aid Shieldy and guide them throughout games and other relevant events.

Act as the “eyes, ears and voice” for the mascot performer, including awareness of game progression, in-game run of show, fan requests and potential hazards.

Carry mascot supplies (autograph cards, giveaway items, etc).

Assist mascot performer with preparation and execution of on-field routines, giveaway tosses and provide logistical support during games and appearances.

Serve as a fan liaison by providing exceptional customer service, including taking pictures, improving overall guest experience, etc.

Ensure that Shieldy is ready and appropriately dressed before entering the public.

Support the maintenance of Shieldy’s outfit, communicating necessary suit repairs.

Provide Shieldy feedback in order to ensure that Shieldy’s satisfying fan, guest and customer expectations.

Maintain a positive attitude and consistently greeting fans and guests.

Increase fan engagement by interacting directly with fans and guests with enthusiasm and excitement.

Qualifications:
Must be able to work flexible hours, including afternoons, nights and weekends, as scheduled.

Individual must be comfortable approaching fans, have strong communication skills and a confident demeanor in order to help our team create a fun and lively game day atmosphere, strong improvisation skills a plus.

Ability to work well under pressure, in a high activity and heavily crowded venue for extended periods of time.

Must be able to relate with fans of all ages and demographics.

Ability to work in a high activity and heavily crowded venue for extended periods of time.
​
$13.00 Per Hour

Suzi's Cover Letter:

Dear Agents of Shield,

Who doesn’t love a mascot? Or hanging out with mascots? And even though I would be down with being one, at least I’m not the one inside sweating from places I shouldn’t. Plus, I think those costumes hide my best assets, which can be used to our advantage. Wink, wink.

I think is the perfect job for a woman since we are used to shields, like panty shields, so…​
I would love to be Shieldy’s hand. It’s so Game of Thrones. Without the nakedness and murder. Which is good.

Ready to Armor,
Suzi


Yee Haw

3/4/2020

 
​​My dad wears Wranglers!

​Wrangler

​Ghost Ranch - Abiquiu, NM
​
Lead trail rides through Georgia O'Keeffe Landscape while sharing the history of the ranch and life stories of Georgia O'Keeffe, Wrangler will be speaking to groups of up to 6 riders at a time so must be able to project your voice and feel comfortable talking to groups. You must be able to quickly and efficiently catch, groom, and saddle multiple horses. You will care for 25 horses which will include but not be limited to feeding, grooming, saddling, doctoring, corral cleaning and maintenance. Wrangler must be able to lift 60 lbs and be able to quickly mount and dismount horses up to 16hh. Western work clothing, collared shirt, hat and boots are required. Customer service and people skills are essential. Must enjoy working with and talking to people. Position is currently open and can continue through November. You will work approximately 40 hours a week and 5 days a week. Room and board provided.

Salary: $1,400/month

​Suzi's Cover Letter:

Dear Cowboys and Cowgirls,

We all have a little cowboy in us. I mean, I really did the summer I dated a bull rider. Good times... "Save a horse, ride a cowboy" was my mantra!

I'm good at telling stores, and good with horses. They're so cute. And cool. And you can braid their hair. Plus, I would look so cute sitting on a horse with my pink cowboy boots and matching cowboy hat. Yay!

Horse Whispering All Day Long,
Suzi


    Author

    I'm just your average girl who wants a kick-ass life and... love! If I could be a superhero, that would be AWESOME! I'm currently a "phone actress" looking for a really cool career. Don't get me wrong-- I love giving a hand to dudes who need someone to chat with. Everybody needs somebody! But, my parents keep telling me I need a respectable job.  Sigh.

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