the crack files:
Suzi sPEAKS
Just an average girl looking for her dream gig. Hit me up at: [email protected]
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I’m tiny, so I would make the perfect jockey!  THE LETTER: Dear Wild Wild Grassers, I love cowboy movies. I watched them a lot with my grandpa. He loved John Wayne, so when I saw that you needed someone with True Grit, I was like—me, me, me! No one can rock assless chaps like me, and no one can ride a horse like me. I can ride anything. But, honestly, I’ve never ridden a lawn before. I mean, where do you put the saddle? Or do I kinda spread-eagle it? Whatever. I’m flexible. Like, literally, flexible. Plus, I like being outside. And grass is nice and pretty and stuff. I just feel weird about riding on it, but I get it. See You at High Noon, Suzi THE JOB:Yard Jockey The Scotts Miracle-Gro Company – Jackson, GA Job details Job Type: Full-time Here at Scotts Miracle-Gro there is no such thing as a typical day. Our culture is constantly energized by new and exciting growth opportunities and at a rapid pace. Every Associate plays an important role in providing innovative solutions for today’s gardeners and growers and contributing new ideas to improve operations. In our company you need grit, it is what we were founded on over 150 years ago and is what keeps us growing. Regardless of your level in the organization there is a platform for your voice to be heard and the ability to influence change. Family, community and hard working values are weaved into all that we do. Come grow with us, where we develop and nurture the next generation of leaders. This position is a light vehicle operator at a Scotts production plant facility. The truck driver operates a Jockey Truck and Trailer in a safe and efficient manner, following all state and federal DOT regulations as well as all company policies and procedures. Ensures the shipment is correct and in good condition, and stages the trailer in a timely manner. Completes pre-shift vehicle inspection reports. Informs the Dispatcher or Dock Foreman of any equipment problems with drop trailers or loads. Reads bills of lading and ensures the correct product quantity and quality SKU is placed on the trailer. Maintain yard tractor and trailers in road worthy condition, able to pass DOT inspections. Report any equipment malfunctions to heavy shop for repair and assist in repairs. Drive forklift and help put up inventory during off season. Rework damaged product and other assignments as deemed necessary by management. It’s like me fulfilling my dream of being a personal assistant for Rebel Wilson. THE LETTER: Dear Sack Stuffers, I watch Guy’s Grocery Games, so I’m good at grocering. Plus, there were a lot of late college night runs to Walmart to people watch and grab a rotisserie chicken. Good times. Oh, and I’ve always wanted to work in a warehouse and drive big equipment. I think the hard hat and the uniform is so on-point, and those little machine things are cool! Like, I want to pick stuff up all the time. I wish I could have one. Do you think you can let me take one home for the weekend? That way I can move my sister’s trailer off my parents’ property… Rack ‘Em & Stack ‘Em, Suzi THE JOB:Order Filler Walmart Grocery DC – Casa Grande, AZ Job details Salary: $17.25 - $21.45 an hour Job Type: Full-time/Temporary Full Job Description Organize warehouse through removing and stacking empty pallets. Fulfill store orders through pulling merchandise through layer using electronic voice control equipment, stacking onto pallets, placing labels in appropriate area on freight, and transporting using power equipment. Maintain freight integrity through inspecting freight for damage and mis-placement (i.e. "strays") monitoring temperature and integrity of food items by separating freight using plastic sheets, (e.g. species, chemical), and maintaining records, logs and forms. Moves, lifts, carries, and places merchandise and supplies weighing up to 60 pounds without assistance. Works in areas requiring exposure to varying temperatures, extreme heat or cold, and/or wet, damp, or drafty conditions. Work overnight, weekends, and varying shifts. I want to be more buffer, so I can train and be trained! THE LETTER: Dear Physical Pfitters, I was really good in sports in school. I was excellent in ping pong. I was known as Suzi The Ball Sucker, because I would destroy balls. I flattened a couple with my power. Grrr! So, I know I’ll be great at weightlifting. I usually use free weights, but I’ve always wanted to be a bodybuilder. Cuz muscles are hot, and I want to wear tiny bikinis and be ripped. I’m not super confident with my coaching skills with this sport, and I’m not sure how guns are involved in weightlifting, but I can hold a gun and curl one if I have to. They just kind of scare me a little. Bench Pressing to the Stars, Suzi THE JOB:CoachInnerCity Weightlifting -- Cambridge, MA Job details: Salary: $20,000 - $35,000 a year plus coach income (approx. $10k-$15k per year) Job Type: Full-time ICW Overview: ICW's mission is to reduce gun violence by amplifying the voice and agency of people who have been most impacted by systemic racism and mass incarceration. We partner with program participants through case management and careers in and beyond personal training. Individuals are elevated as experts in fitness and the social issues they've lived. ICW is a culture and community in which power dynamics are flipped, social capital is bridged, and new leaders emerge in the fight to combat long-standing inequities. Client Management: Conduct consultations for new clients, including a full evaluation and written program to follow Conduct coaching sessions and program redesigns for all Elite clients Write new programs for clients in a timely manner following a Coaching session, at least 24-48 hours prior to their next scheduled session Ensure that each program is handed off to the appropriate trainer and that they trainer is familiarized with exercises Contribute to monthly programming for our general client base who are training in-person and virtually Contribute to ongoing programming for ICW’s virtual on-demand library Trainer Support: Quality control personal training sessions, providing support for trainers & clients as needed Support students with studying towards ICW & ISSA Certifications Provide feedback as needed with the goal of developing professional development of trainers There’s not a tool I can’t handle! THE LETTER:Dear Fellow Toolbags, I feel like you know me already. I have total dominain experience. Whips, cat o’ nine tails, fuzzy hand cuffs, ball gags. You name it—you’ll love it! Plus, I see you need a techno expert. Who else can get the club lit like me? Uh, no one. And, I’ve been known to make some fat beats on my Mac. And when it comes to tests, I was a really good studier, and I took good notes. I used to sell my notes, so I can do this. Test me! Tools Ain’t For Fools, Suzi THE JOB:Tool Specialist – Testing ToolsCapgemini – New York, NY Full Job Description: Duration: 8+Months Responsibilities: QA resources with Captital Market/Trading domain experience Hands on knowledge on Agile Process and Work Flows Techno-Functional with experience in UI automation (Selenium/JAVA), Database quering, Mainframe and UNIX Intermidiate/Senior Level of Experience with capable of working in an Onshore/Offshore model Expert in Test plans, test strategy, cases and processes Well versed with all types of testing and issue reporting Good communication knowledge as need to speak with people at various levels. The Capgemini Freelancer Gateway is enabled by a cutting-edge software platform that leads the contingent labor world for technology innovation. The software platform leverages Machine Learning and Artificial Intelligence to make sure the right people end up in the right job. |
AuthorI'm just your average girl who wants a kick-ass life and... love! If I could be a superhero, that would be AWESOME! I'm currently a "phone actress" looking for a really cool career. Don't get me wrong-- I love giving a hand to dudes who need someone to chat with. Everybody needs somebody! But, my parents keep telling me I need a respectable job. Sigh. Archives
August 2022
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