the crack files:
Suzi sPEAKS
Just an average girl looking for her dream gig. Hit me up at: [email protected]
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I’ve always wanted to be a weather reporter! Weather Anchor/MSJTEGNA – Little Rock, AR Job Description: KTHV is looking for someone who can prepare and present accurate weather forecasts while also having an interest in creating great environmental stories. We believe in taking all you have learned about the outdoors and applying it to great storytelling on life here in central Arkansas. Little Rock has some very interesting weather and is a great place to explore the outdoors. In this role you will: Interact live with customers on multiple platforms, especially during severe or inconvenient weather Help track and warn viewers of severe weather during continuous coverage Deliver on-air news events in an engaging, exciting, and accurate manner Job Requirements: BA/BS in journalism, communications, meteorology, or related field 1-2 years experience preferred Bilinugual (English & Spanish) Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Cumulus Clouders, I’ve always been fascinated by weather. I remember the first time I realized clouds moved. Mind. Blown. In the third grade, for Tornado Week, we had to make tornado safety posters. I won first prize!  See? I’d be a natural reporting environment stories. Plus, I’m so excited about what I’d get to wear on TV! Gah! It’s nice to see how forward-thinking you are. I’m not bilingual. I like guys only. But I do like guys from all walks of life. So, Spanish dudes would work for me! Rock you like a hurricane, Suzi The eyes have it! Isn’t that a saying or something? Lash Artist Gorgeous Lash Lounge – Las Vegas, NV $45,000 - $65,000/year Part-time/Contract *****FOR LASH ARTIST***** No experience needed, we will train Prefer with experience Full time, part time, night shift, day shift… Looking for someone that is a quick learner, responsible, able to multitask, punctual, warm and professional presence, able to get along well with others and deal with difficult situations. Excellent organizational skills, be able to multi-task, proficient in customer service, and have the ability to both take direction and work independently. Strong retail selling skills a plus. Prior experience in a salon or spa service is preferred. Recent cosmetology school graduates, licensed esthetician or cosmetologists are welcome to apply! Requirements: MUST be a licensed Esthetician or Cosmetologist in Nevada Be willing to learn new techniques Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Eye Bangers, I believe the eyes should be the focus of the face. I mean, I get compliments all the time because I’m Asian and my eyes are round and I make ‘em pop! Plus, the rest of your face could be jacked, but your eyes can make up for that. I’m good with lashes. See my vision:  P.S. I won a drawing contest in kindergarten. I could’ve been Suzi Monet. Anywho, and since this is Vegas I think we need to take the lash game to the next level: “Lashes for Lashes” Some people are into the kink. So why not get some dudes in here in leather man thongs and whips to put on a show. Or, I can “lash” someone! Lashed to the max, Suzi I love fashion! And talking about it! Fashion Show Host l’Kandi Designs, LLC – Houston, TX $100-$150/day Temporary, Contract, Commission l’Kandi Designs is a new and upcoming fashion design company for women’s clothing. This is the BEST time to come on board to help be a part of something NEW and BIG! l’Kandi is seeking a self-driven Brand Host with a passion for fashion to join our growing team. In this role, you will be responsible for elevating the audience within the fashion show, ensuring that they have “The Best Fashion Show Experience in the World.” You will offer exceptional service by engaging with the audience, being professional and proudly represent our brands. RESPONSIBILITES: Fashion Show Host will: Be required to serve as the face and voice of l’Kandi Designs Showcases The host will hype the crowd, communicate our brand and mission while informing and engaging the audience Greet and assist guests as they are seated Physical Requirements: Standing for long periods of time with frequent bending and turning Moving at a fast pace to keep each fashion designer on schedule Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Catwalkers: I’ve always been fashion-forward. I’ve been wearing my mom’s Steve Madden platform slip-ons—and now their back in fashion. I knew they would be! I love everything involving a fashion show. The lights. The pumping music. The models. The clothes. The atmosphere.. I am so ready to be your hype guy. Check this out: Welcome to the shooooooow! It’s time for the bitch with the stitches. So dope and full of hope! So sweet like a treat. It’s l’Kandiiiiiii! Here’s to high heels and good feels, Suzi I love meat—especially turkey! Staff Writer National Wild Turkey Federation – Edgefield, SC JOB SUMMARY This position is responsible for creating content for all NWTF platforms to spread the NWTF’s message as well as working with other individuals and departments within the NWTF to develop content that highlights our mission. ESSENTIAL FUNCTIONS Primary purpose is to generate and edit content for all NWTF media platforms including: magazines, television/radio, press releases, promotional materials, website, social media, e-newsletter, e-blasts REQUIRED QUALIFICATIONS: Attention to detail, fact checking and ability to multi-task and consistently meet deadlines Detail-oriented, creative, deadline-driven team player who can adapt and learn quickly, particularly in regard to new software and technology Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Gobblers, So, this job is awesome because Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays, and I love Wild Turkey. Someone told me if you drink two shots a day, you won’t get V.D. I haven’t yet! Anywho, I think we should combine the two. I think turkeys are yummy and cute. How about a new feature--Wild Turkey Centerfold. Or, we could have people send us pictures of themselves dressed up like turkeys. I remember one time a client asked if he could stuff my cornucopia. So giving. Gobble, gobble! Suzi Play time is fun time! And I’m all about fun! Play Director – Lunch (Seasonal) City of Cleveland – Cleveland, OH $20,800 - $31,200 a year Temporary EXAMPLES OF DUTIES: Under supervision, has charge of the organization and direction of recreational activities of a playground or play center. Performs related duties as required. TYPICAL TASKS: Organizes and directs play and planned activities at a playground or play center. Organizes activities and gives instruction in group games, such as playground ball, volley ball, tennis, and other group or team games. Organizes and conducts field meets, sport days, and other special and festival events on the playground in connection with city-wide programs. Discourages gambling, profanity, and rowdiness on the playground. Encourages participation in recreation activities. Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Players, Can I call it Little Miss Suzi’s Playground? I’ve always wanted to have a playground named after me, since that’s where I’d hang to get away from my evil bitchster when I was little. I am awesome at organizing events and fun time. Life’s too short not to have fun! For the races, we can get some donuts and put them on fishing poles and run in front of them so they’ll chase the donut. The winning kid gets all the donuts! We could do a “Pooh in the Park” and act out scenes from Winnie the Pooh stories. And, by the way. I can be bossy when needed, like this: I get tough with some of my phone clients. They love it! Curtain calls and foul balls, Suzi I feel like I could be like Disney World—make everyone happy! Family Friendly Concert PromoterSun and Sky Entertainment, Inc. – Cleveland, OH Part-time Commission Sun and Sky Entertainment, Inc. is seeking a motivated Concert Promoter, to set up and promote family-friendly concerts and local shows, based on our PBS television shows. Your focus will be on assuring every concert sells out. As our concert promoter, you would look for venue sizes 500-1,500 seats, for a family-friendly/PBS Artists and Concert Series. The concerts are based on successful television shows that are aired on PBS Stations across the country. This is a remote position, requiring the ability to work at home, in a quiet environment. Responsibilities to include: Promoting Upcoming Concert Create Volunteer Team, Interns and Street Teams Work with all local musicians and choirs, who will participate in the concert, to help promote and set up incentives for them to promote Find local radio and TV sponsors and partners to promote Press Releases and PR outreach Skills: Familiarity using computers and social media Ability to gain/persuade fans Suzi’s Cover Letter:Dear Sell Outs, A sell out is a good thing when it comes to concerts. And I am totally confident that I can sell out any show. Why? Sex appeal! I know y’all are family-friendly, but adults buy the tickets for the kiddos. Here’s one of my promo ideas: Kiddie Car Wash! My squad and I will dress in shorts and t-shirts and pigtails and wash daddy’s car, and your kiddie car! We will sell tickets to whatever concert at the car wash. Good ol’ sex appeal goes a long way! Buffin’ and benajmin-countin’, Suzi I am management material. And I’ll be a cool manager! FB Director Westgate Resorts – Myrtle Beach Summary To ensure objectives are met in the F&B Department, future goals are set. Responsible for defining and enforcing customer service and product standards. Provides leadership that fosters a positive growth oriented initiative with department revenue and profits. Assists outlet managers in projects as well as daily operations by performing the following duties personally or through subordinate supervisors. Duties: Develop and implement training programs which support increased profitability, safety, and security. Fields catering inquiries and assists with event coordination. Administer a proactive department labor analysis program. Ensure compliances to product ordering, receiving and inventory control, (all F&B areas) within company/department procedures. Must work together with outlet managers to ensure proper operation of all Food & Beverage outlets. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Power Bestower, This job is all me. I am the queen of social media. No, I’m not an Influencer—yet. But I’m on my way! My skill is more with FB, which is why I can be a Director of Whatever Facebook. I’m pretty organized, so I’m sure I can come up with a program to help people kick butt on FB. First, you need a cool cover photo and glam profile pic. Then, you need to add some flair to your basic info. You gotta be memorable! I’m totally expert at event co-ordination. I could throw a FB page creation party! Duh! Blue and white theme. I’ll call it: “We’ve got FBs to give”. Get it? Give an “eff”?  And, I’ll get cookies that look like the FB logo, and of course—lots of swag! Can’t wait to socially direct, Suzi I like fast cars and hot dudes! Communications Coordinator Darlington Raceway – Darlington, SC Job Scope: Primary areas of responsibilities includes: Social Media Management; Assist with press operations and management of media; Generate ideas to promote and enhance awareness of Darlington Raceway; Assist the Sr. Director of Communications with various tasks, including the coordination and execution of media events. Job Requirements: Education/Experience: Previous experience in communications with a Bachelor’s degree is required. General office duties are required. Computer skills, good communication skills and experience in motorsports industry a plus. Specific Responsibilities Include (but not limited to): Oversee the track’s 501 ©3 charitable arm – Darlington Shares Assist in the set-up of media center, press box, credentials offices and photo lounges for race events Arrange media meals race weekend Attend ribbon-cuttings, Business After Hours, luncheons and other various community events as needed Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Fellow Race Enthusiasts: First of all, I want to tell you how much I love racing! And I’m a girl! And not a redneck! Which proves my point that racing is not just for rednecks. I am so good at putting stuff together. Like, really good. My best gay pal, Sammy, asked me to plan his coming-out party and it was fab! So, I thought with the meal-planning we could do some themes. Like: Rainbows, Unicorns and Tacos party! Pit Stop Wings! Draughts for Drafts! Or, a crockpot full of “cozy cocks”—you know, those cocktail weenies! I could put a twist on Darlington Shares with a kissing booth! Share a kiss and share with charity! See ya at the finish line, Suzi I could get in touch with my roots! Korean Singer/Voice Over Actress Ai Teach U LLC – North Hollywood, CA $200/day Singer/Voice over About us: Established in 2015, AiTeachU is an international multicultural team with the goal of bridging the communication gap between countries and cultures. We believe opening up communication barriers fosters stronger international relationships. Responsibilities: Implement the Zangu Learning System into schools Provide language lessons via the Zangu Learning System Construct lesson plans and layouts Requirements: Must be fluent in English and Korean; additional languages are a plus Reliable means of transportation (i.e. a car) and license Suzi’s Cover Letter: Nae Chingudeul! This job post made me tingle inside because I may have found my true calling in life. I can teach people stuff! And it’s Korean and I’m Korean! And I’m really good at karaoke, so I got the singing down pat! Next to Pig Latin, my Korean is good. I admit, I’m a little rusty, but in addition to the regular course work, I can teach real life phrases like: “F&ck you!” = yeos meog-eola! “You’re a dick!” = neo gaejasig! “Let’s drink!” = masija! I can’t wait to talk to you all! Gomabseubnida, Suzi |
AuthorI'm just your average girl who wants a kick-ass life and... love! If I could be a superhero, that would be AWESOME! I'm currently a "phone actress" looking for a really cool career. Don't get me wrong-- I love giving a hand to dudes who need someone to chat with. Everybody needs somebody! But, my parents keep telling me I need a respectable job. Sigh. Archives
August 2022
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