the crack files:
Suzi sPEAKS
Just an average girl looking for her dream gig. Hit me up at: [email protected]
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I know I’m meant to be in charge of something. And this could be it! Head of Music Programming Amazon.com – Seattle, WA Job Description Amazon Music Imagine being a part of an agile team where your ideas have the potential to reach millions. Picture working on cutting-edge consumer-facing products, where every single team member is a critical voice in the decision-making process. Envision being able to leverage the resources of a Fortune-500 company within the atmosphere of a start-up. Come join us as we make history by launching exciting new projects in the coming year. The ideal candidate will additionally have an entrepreneurial spirit and will be highly analytical. Key responsibilities: Manage a large programming team that has depth of knowledge and expertise in all key genres. Shape the customer experience for engagement with music across visual platforms and Alexa-enabled devices. Become an evangelist for Amazon Music. Basic Qualifications: Bachelor’s Degree 10+ years of experience in the music industry Proven influence and impact within the music industry Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Music Lovers, Do you know how much shopping I do on Amazon!?!? Holy debt! I am totally built to be on an agile team. I took gymnastics when I was 5. And, I’m still impressive. This dude couldn’t believe that I could put my legs behind my ears. He was so happy! I am an innovator with a ton of ideas. I always say I have million dollar ideas, like this one—a musical vibrator! It plays playlists depending on your mood while self-lovin’ or with partners. I like solving problems. My sister and I were fighting over which Madonna album is better: Like a Virgin or True Blue. I said Like a Virgin because it was her breakthrough and she was hungry and stuff. She said True Blue because it’s hard to stay on top once your there. So, I wrestled her on the living room floor and I won! Plus, I so love Alexa. That’s what I plan to name my 5th kid! And, I grew up watching TV evangelists, so how could I not want to be one!?!? “Be heeeealed! Say baaaabeeeee!” Can you call me Alexa Angel? Oh! I’m great at influencing others. A bunch of us were road-trippin’ and there were 5 of us in this car and we couldn’t decide what to listen to, and I said hip-hop. Cuz we got swag and we needed some phat beats to stay awake. Win! We could make beautiful music together, Suzi Who doesn’t like food? Duh! Culinary Assistant Shift Workspace- Corona- Denver, CO $14.50/hour, Part-time About the Company: Shift Workspaces is Denver’s leading shared workspace provider for ambitious, mid-career professionals seeking concierge-level service in unique, design-forward office spaces. Offering innovative private offices, collaborative open workspace, and refined, intuitive customer service, Shift is a catalyst for personal and professional growth for our members. About the Role: The Culinary Concierge at Shift Workspaces provides daily on-brand culinary experiences for members. This individual surprises and delights Shift members daily by preparing and serving delectable food and exception service to members. Responsibilities include: Creating a warm and welcoming environment through outstanding, genuine hospitality Planning, preparing, and executing a culinary treat to serve daily Purchasing, stocking, and proper handling of all food and drink items Maintenance of all kitchen equipment Ensuring that coffee, smallwares, and beverage condiments are fully stocked Benefits: Shift offers a variety of benefits to promote a strong work/life balance: Team outings (dinners, camping trips, concerts) Company-wide outings, training and retreats (previous locations have included a four-day trip to the Rosewood Hotel in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico) Suzi's Cover Letter:Hey, Good Lookin’… Whatcha got cookin’? I couldn’t resist! I am such a foodie, and I have a great personality, so this is like, awesome. I can’t wait to meet you all! Do you know how many ways I can make Ramen? Helloooooo! That would be great for the menu. Plus, I am so willing to sample everything to make sure it’s the highest quality—especially the wine. We can’t serve no nasty stuff! I used to be a cheerleader, so when it comes to being happy—I’m your girl. Here’s a sample of a cheer I would do: Our food is good Our food is yummy It’s so good You won’t get the run-nys! Goooo Shift! I do admit I’m not the most handy, so fixing equipment will be a challenge. But I do have YouTube, so I can find a video on there I’m sure. Now when it comes to keeping the condiments stocked, I hope you’re okay with Trojan. This job is so cool. Your perks are rad! I am so good at earning perks. You should see all the stuff my phone clients send me. And Mexico? My “uncle” took me to this fab resort and paid for everything! He told me I’m a hot dish, so this is perfect for me. Right!?!? Here’s to a nos-tastic future, Suzi I feel like I have so much to say on behalf of all the creatures of the world! Be A Voice For Animals- Entry Level Position 30,000 to $35,000 a year ARE YOU AN ANIMAL LOVER IF SO: The Source MPC is a marketing, sales and promotions company with a passion in making a difference. We are currently seeking career minded individuals with a heart of gold to join our team. The Source MPC has recently expanded and added new clients to our database. As a result, we are currently looking to fill several entry level positions and internships immediately. We consider candidates from all backgrounds, but the following majors will be considered first: Marketing Management Administration Public Relations Sports Management Advertising Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Fellow Fur Lover, I strongly feel I am qualified for this position based on my awesomeness and love of animals. But I'm really interested in really being a voice for animals. You should hear my Garfield and Snoopy impersonations. I'm really good at being a duck, too. I feel there needs to be voices for robins and otters. Where are these voices? They have a lot to say and share with all of us! I didn't see a voice category in your job description. But I'm hoping it was just a mistake. Quack, Quack! Suzi Dudes like sports. I like dudes. Check this as a plus! Spring Training Intern Cincinnati Reds Department: Arizona Operations Job Title: Spring Training Intern Reports to: Arizona Operations Manager FLSA: Hourly, Non-Exempt Term: Spring 2019 Spring Training season (approx. Feb 1 - March 30) Commitment: 10-29 hours per week Essential Duties and Responsibilities: Answer and transfer incoming calls Greet and assist visitors in a professional manner Assist with VIP tours of the Cincinnati Reds Development Complex Distribution of newspapers and mail to departments Potential to perform in mascot suit or to escort mascot performer at Ballpark and community appearances Qualifications: Staff members should have prior work experience in at least one business setting and one sports setting Staff members should be interested in going into sports business Requirements: The ideal candidate must have excellent communication skills, good grammar, voice, and diction, strong interpersonal skills and a team oriented spirit to provide exceptional service Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Baller, I could use a vacation someplace warm. Of course, I know this a job and not a vacation, but you know what I mean. If you lookie at my resume, you'll see that I'm a total pro with the phones! My phone skills are sick. And sometimes, I mean twisted-sick, but that's the nature of the job! There was one time I wanted to be a stewardess, so I practiced all the stuff they say and all the arm movements and gestures before the plane takes off. I'd be great at helping with tours. I'm not a fan of putting on that stinky mascot suit, because I don't want to smell like some dude's sweaty balls, but I could totally walk the Cock around. Aren't you the Cincinnati Red Cocks? Anywho, I've always wanted to wear a cute baseball uniform. Like, pinstripe boy shorts and matching pinstripe crop top. Oh, I def need a baseball cap and cool Skechers. When it comes to dictation, I have to admit, my number is low. Like, only five. But if you need me to get my numbers up, I will. I'm a team player! I do have one question. Is there a rule that says I can't date a player? I want to be Mrs. Baseball someday. Balls and Strikes, Suzi My whole life, I’ve dreamed of winning an Oscar. And now…. Standardized Patient/Patient Actor Part-time position Perform a variety of duties involved in the portrayal of actual patients. Work Performed: Perform a variety of duties after training and rehearsal to accurately and consistently portray specific types of patients, knowing the history of their present illness, past medical history, physical exam results as well as their body language and their emotional personality characteristics. Simulate a variety of clinical scenarios including a patient’s appearance, demeanor and affect, communication style, chief complaint, symptomatology, past medical history, and physical findings. Deliver feedback in person, by hand, by computer, or PDA. Work requires ability to understand and follow instructions. Work requires ability to memorize and be improvisational. No acting experience is required but is preferred. Suzi's Cover Letter:My heart is beating fast. No, I’m not sick. I’m just excited because I think this is the chance for me to finally win an Oscar! Gah! I am totally into role playing. I have some men friends that like it when I dress up for them, so I have a ton of outfits and wigs and shoes and stuff. I’m a really good communicator because how else do we know what’s going on? I can give feedback, no problem, especially with the PDA. I like to hold hands. I like to hug, and I’m a kisser in public—but no tongue! Let’s keep it classy! I watch a lot of Grey’s Anatomy, so I’m practically a doctor myself! I’m great at following instructions, it’s part of my current phone acting job. And I have a good imagination and I almost joined an improv group. So, this is a great thing. Sorry. I'm just so excited about this! And the Oscar goes to: Suzette Josephine Lanai Wilcox Open that envelope and pick me! Suzi This job might be a little personal, but I’m okay with that. Somebody has to do it! Penetration Tester Bank of America 1st shift Job Description: As an experienced professional, provide advice to client management with regard to moderately complex security issues. Assists in the review, development, testing and implementation of security plans, products and control techniques. Coordinates the reporting data security incidents. Provides technical support to the client and management and staff in risk assessments and implementation of appropriate data security procedures and products. Required skills: Must have experience and be very proficient with the common tools associated with penetration testing. Must demonstrate knowledge of tactics, techniques and procedures associated with malicious insider activity, organized crime/fraud groups and both state and non-state sponsored threat actors. Must be able to critically examine an organization and system through the perspective of a threat actor and articulate risk in clear, precise terms. Suzi's Cover Letter:Kind Sirs: I am confident I am the right girl for this job! I’m good at picking out passwords. They usually have something to do with bubblegum or lip gloss and a bunch of numbers and symbols. And I’m an expert at control. And that’s what you’re looking for. Like, if a guy is trying to get hot and heavy too fast, I put the brakes on. I’ll make him wait a whole week before he gets to see my boobs, then a whole month before he gets to touch the cookie jar! I squeeze his junk hard to make him realize that I am the one in control of stuff. Also, I’m the best at penetration testing. I could tell you everything in the Adam & Eve catalogue! I’m familiar with all the adult toys, and I like the au natural sausage, too! When it comes to figuring out malicious stuff, I’m like an expert. My sister had this one boyfriend who was a total toolbag. I told her he was and she didn’t listen and when he bleached all her clothes before he dumped her, who was right? Me! That’s just evil to ruin a girl’s clothes. And since I’ve done some acting, I can totally pretend to be a threat. I’ll get all up in someone’s face like I’m from South Central! You’ll be shaking in your boots! Thanks for considering me, Suzi Artist are cool, and a little weird. That’s what I want to be. Paint Party Artist $100/day, part-time We are looking for reliable individuals who enjoy teaching simple paintings to small groups. This is a perfect part-time opportunity for artists, freelancers, college art students, and creative types. Our ideal candidate will: Be fun-loving, creative, and energetic. Have flexible availability. Be professional, enthusiastic, and punctual. Responsibilities: Ensuring guests have a truly wonderful experience. Traveling to various locations (must have a reliable vehicle). Leading a 2-hour painting session. Approximately 5-10 events per month. Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Fellow Artist, I feel like there is so much inside of me that needs to come out. And painting is the path I need to take! My pops calls me his little “sunshine” because my sister is his little “darkness.” This sunny attitude makes me perfect for this job! I would teach what I like to call, simplistic art. Why stick figures aren’t famous is beyond me! Mine are awesome. To tell the difference between girl and boy stick figures, I draw the girls with bows, and the boys with pee-pees!  Plus, I’m a pleaser. I want everyone to be happy. This one time in high school, my bestie’s brother didn’t have a date for homecoming, so I went with him. And then I made sure we made-out in front of everyone to boost his cred, cuz I’m hot. See? I give of myself. I hope we can create masterpieces together! Suzi I’m such a Christmas girl! Like, I want my house to look like Christmas threw up all over it! Santa Claus $20/hour, weekends a must Santa Claus is expected to: Be enthusiastic and jolly! Work well with children Stay dressed in a Santa suit for the entire duration of shifts Respond creatively when asked random questions by children such as: “What’s your favorite reindeer?” “How do you fit down my chimney when I don’t have one?” “What happens if your sleigh breaks down?” “Where do you go in the summer?” “How do you travel around the entire world in one night?” Suzi's Cover Letter:Hello, Elves and Elvettes! First of all, I’m a chick. This is 2018 and we need to stop sticking with gender-specific roles (wow, that’s a big phrase for me. I heard it on CNN.) Why can’t a lady play Santa? That’s why I’m applying. To show you that we can be Santa, too! I think it would be awesome to upgrade some things with Santa’s costume. Let’s get some bling on that suit up in here! And those boots, so 1888. Let’s try some Fergalicious thigh-highs! I am totally ready to answer those questions that the kiddos might ask me, I mean, Santa. (wink wink) “What’s your favorite reindeer?” Vixen. Duh. Because I am one. “How do you fit down my chimney when I don’t have one?” I like the back door. “What happens if your sleigh breaks down?” I’ll call up my friend Carlos and hop a ride in his Escalade, yo. “Where do you go in the summer?” Jamaica. Gotta work on my tan lines and relax with some herb. Christmas Eve is a ball buster. “How do you travel around the entire world in one night?” I don’t. I have my bitches go to the places I really don’t want to. Well, there you have it. Talk to you soon! Suzi #FemmeClaus I’m fun and I love music! And look how much money I can make part time! Do you know how much Purell I can buy!?!? DJ/MC for Gentleman’s Club $50,000 - $60,000 a year Experienced DJ/MC preferred for Upscale Club in NYC (Experienced Preferred but will train someone that can prove dedication and show potential in the first interview) REQUIREMENTS Saturday Sunday 11-8 Monday Tuesday or Thursday 10-8 Must have clean hard drive with actual Music Must be able to work under pressure Outgoing/friendly/upbeat Personality MC Skills must be as if you hit the powerball Bring something else to this great organization (outside the box) Suzi's Cover Letter:Fo shizzle, my nizzle, I’m the dope gal for ya! Let me set the scene about my potential. I will walk into my interview with my entourage (two bitches), glow sticks, boombox, and drop a phat beat. “Yo, I’m Wonton Rapper, lemme flow my resume to y’all. Word.” Then, I break out in my rap like Nicki Minaj would. Cool, right? I’m really deadicated to whatever I do. Back in highschool, I was really not good at giving BJs, so I practiced every day on a banana, and voila—I’m the best! My older man friends buy me jewelry all the time. See? Dedication pays. I’m really good under pressure, too. I had this fat-ass boyfriend who weighed, like, a ton. So being under him was not easy. But I managed. I didn’t suffocate! I’m friendly, happy and love to make people smile. And, if you want something outside the box—I’m a baton twirler. That would look bad ass in da club! Call me any time for an interview! Suzi |
AuthorI'm just your average girl who wants a kick-ass life and... love! If I could be a superhero, that would be AWESOME! I'm currently a "phone actress" looking for a really cool career. Don't get me wrong-- I love giving a hand to dudes who need someone to chat with. Everybody needs somebody! But, my parents keep telling me I need a respectable job. Sigh. Archives
August 2022
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