the crack files:
Suzi sPEAKS
Just an average girl looking for her dream gig. Hit me up at: [email protected]
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I’m tiny, so I would make the perfect jockey!  THE LETTER: Dear Wild Wild Grassers, I love cowboy movies. I watched them a lot with my grandpa. He loved John Wayne, so when I saw that you needed someone with True Grit, I was like—me, me, me! No one can rock assless chaps like me, and no one can ride a horse like me. I can ride anything. But, honestly, I’ve never ridden a lawn before. I mean, where do you put the saddle? Or do I kinda spread-eagle it? Whatever. I’m flexible. Like, literally, flexible. Plus, I like being outside. And grass is nice and pretty and stuff. I just feel weird about riding on it, but I get it. See You at High Noon, Suzi THE JOB:Yard Jockey The Scotts Miracle-Gro Company – Jackson, GA Job details Job Type: Full-time Here at Scotts Miracle-Gro there is no such thing as a typical day. Our culture is constantly energized by new and exciting growth opportunities and at a rapid pace. Every Associate plays an important role in providing innovative solutions for today’s gardeners and growers and contributing new ideas to improve operations. In our company you need grit, it is what we were founded on over 150 years ago and is what keeps us growing. Regardless of your level in the organization there is a platform for your voice to be heard and the ability to influence change. Family, community and hard working values are weaved into all that we do. Come grow with us, where we develop and nurture the next generation of leaders. This position is a light vehicle operator at a Scotts production plant facility. The truck driver operates a Jockey Truck and Trailer in a safe and efficient manner, following all state and federal DOT regulations as well as all company policies and procedures. Ensures the shipment is correct and in good condition, and stages the trailer in a timely manner. Completes pre-shift vehicle inspection reports. Informs the Dispatcher or Dock Foreman of any equipment problems with drop trailers or loads. Reads bills of lading and ensures the correct product quantity and quality SKU is placed on the trailer. Maintain yard tractor and trailers in road worthy condition, able to pass DOT inspections. Report any equipment malfunctions to heavy shop for repair and assist in repairs. Drive forklift and help put up inventory during off season. Rework damaged product and other assignments as deemed necessary by management. It’s like me fulfilling my dream of being a personal assistant for Rebel Wilson. THE LETTER: Dear Sack Stuffers, I watch Guy’s Grocery Games, so I’m good at grocering. Plus, there were a lot of late college night runs to Walmart to people watch and grab a rotisserie chicken. Good times. Oh, and I’ve always wanted to work in a warehouse and drive big equipment. I think the hard hat and the uniform is so on-point, and those little machine things are cool! Like, I want to pick stuff up all the time. I wish I could have one. Do you think you can let me take one home for the weekend? That way I can move my sister’s trailer off my parents’ property… Rack ‘Em & Stack ‘Em, Suzi THE JOB:Order Filler Walmart Grocery DC – Casa Grande, AZ Job details Salary: $17.25 - $21.45 an hour Job Type: Full-time/Temporary Full Job Description Organize warehouse through removing and stacking empty pallets. Fulfill store orders through pulling merchandise through layer using electronic voice control equipment, stacking onto pallets, placing labels in appropriate area on freight, and transporting using power equipment. Maintain freight integrity through inspecting freight for damage and mis-placement (i.e. "strays") monitoring temperature and integrity of food items by separating freight using plastic sheets, (e.g. species, chemical), and maintaining records, logs and forms. Moves, lifts, carries, and places merchandise and supplies weighing up to 60 pounds without assistance. Works in areas requiring exposure to varying temperatures, extreme heat or cold, and/or wet, damp, or drafty conditions. Work overnight, weekends, and varying shifts. I want to be more buffer, so I can train and be trained! THE LETTER: Dear Physical Pfitters, I was really good in sports in school. I was excellent in ping pong. I was known as Suzi The Ball Sucker, because I would destroy balls. I flattened a couple with my power. Grrr! So, I know I’ll be great at weightlifting. I usually use free weights, but I’ve always wanted to be a bodybuilder. Cuz muscles are hot, and I want to wear tiny bikinis and be ripped. I’m not super confident with my coaching skills with this sport, and I’m not sure how guns are involved in weightlifting, but I can hold a gun and curl one if I have to. They just kind of scare me a little. Bench Pressing to the Stars, Suzi THE JOB:CoachInnerCity Weightlifting -- Cambridge, MA Job details: Salary: $20,000 - $35,000 a year plus coach income (approx. $10k-$15k per year) Job Type: Full-time ICW Overview: ICW's mission is to reduce gun violence by amplifying the voice and agency of people who have been most impacted by systemic racism and mass incarceration. We partner with program participants through case management and careers in and beyond personal training. Individuals are elevated as experts in fitness and the social issues they've lived. ICW is a culture and community in which power dynamics are flipped, social capital is bridged, and new leaders emerge in the fight to combat long-standing inequities. Client Management: Conduct consultations for new clients, including a full evaluation and written program to follow Conduct coaching sessions and program redesigns for all Elite clients Write new programs for clients in a timely manner following a Coaching session, at least 24-48 hours prior to their next scheduled session Ensure that each program is handed off to the appropriate trainer and that they trainer is familiarized with exercises Contribute to monthly programming for our general client base who are training in-person and virtually Contribute to ongoing programming for ICW’s virtual on-demand library Trainer Support: Quality control personal training sessions, providing support for trainers & clients as needed Support students with studying towards ICW & ISSA Certifications Provide feedback as needed with the goal of developing professional development of trainers There’s not a tool I can’t handle! THE LETTER:Dear Fellow Toolbags, I feel like you know me already. I have total dominain experience. Whips, cat o’ nine tails, fuzzy hand cuffs, ball gags. You name it—you’ll love it! Plus, I see you need a techno expert. Who else can get the club lit like me? Uh, no one. And, I’ve been known to make some fat beats on my Mac. And when it comes to tests, I was a really good studier, and I took good notes. I used to sell my notes, so I can do this. Test me! Tools Ain’t For Fools, Suzi THE JOB:Tool Specialist – Testing ToolsCapgemini – New York, NY Full Job Description: Duration: 8+Months Responsibilities: QA resources with Captital Market/Trading domain experience Hands on knowledge on Agile Process and Work Flows Techno-Functional with experience in UI automation (Selenium/JAVA), Database quering, Mainframe and UNIX Intermidiate/Senior Level of Experience with capable of working in an Onshore/Offshore model Expert in Test plans, test strategy, cases and processes Well versed with all types of testing and issue reporting Good communication knowledge as need to speak with people at various levels. The Capgemini Freelancer Gateway is enabled by a cutting-edge software platform that leads the contingent labor world for technology innovation. The software platform leverages Machine Learning and Artificial Intelligence to make sure the right people end up in the right job. I love the word liaison. It sounds fancy—like me. Reservation & Guest Experience Agent THE GUILD Full-Time: From $15/hour Full Job Description: Our goal...to craft incredible experiences for people that love to explore while enjoying the comforts of home. The Guild offers the comfort and convenience of a high-end apartment with the personalized service of a boutique hotel. We believe traveling in comfort is more than someone making your bed while you’re out or delivering room service while you’re in. It’s feeling at ease. Relaxed. Your role: The Guest Experience Central Team is a high volume inbound contact center environment going above and beyond to provide Guild guests with a step-above world class experience. A successful agent must display both strong communication skills with computer literacy and exceptional guest service abilities to assist the guest beyond the transactional experience to a transformational guest experience. Our agents are empowered to own the guest relationship to maintain industry leading NPS of 80+. You will be responsible for (mostly) inbound contacts via text, phone, email, etc, and possess the ability to work through multiple systems to assist guests quickly, and with quality. What you’ll do: Handle inbound guest contacts across multiple channels and tools (phone, email, sms, chat), primarily responsible for making reservations and answering guest questions. Effectively communicate with guests to exceed their expectations with your guidance, knowledge, patience, and issue resolution Assist guests at each step of the customer journey to ensure a streamlined, positive experience resulting in promoters and repeat bookings Treat our guests as friends first to make every stay perfect and offer up your city knowledge at every opportunity (suggest authentic city favorites, foods, and hot spots) Identify and take action on/make suggestions for guests based on your research into their reservation or inquiries Suzi’s Cover Letter:Dear Secret Agents, This job is my heart: quality customer experiences! Like, I totally do that now. I mean, I don’t schedule cool vacays anywhere for people, but I do create a getaway, fantasy world for them. It will be nice to travel outside the mind for once. And who doesn’t love a vacation? I’m all about making sure the customer is happy from start to finish. I never leave my phone clients hanging. I want to know that I’ve fulfilled their desires and that there is always a happy ending? Isn’t that what it’s all about? The cherry on top? Plus, being a comfort woman is kinda in my blood. There was that thing in history where the Japanese made other Asian women sex workers for their men. But this is obvs more positive because I’m choosing to do it. Here to Please, Suzi Entertaining is in my blood like soy sauce! Mobile DJ Part-time: $16-$40/hour Full Job Description: Love music and people? Then this may be your dream job! Michigan top-rated mobile DJ & MC entertainment service is looking for someone to infuse high energy and excitement into each and every event. Get paid to work and have fun at the same time! Learn more about our company here: www.stealthdjs.com Who we're looking for: Must be located in southeastern Michigan, preferably west of I-275. Reliable transportation is required. Must be available on all or most weekends. Excellent communication skills are a must. You must be a very reliable, energetic and outgoing person with a great personality. Preferred but not required: Vast music knowledge, dance skills, experience in public speaking and/or the ability to lift at least 40 pounds. What you'll be doing: The job of an MC / Crowd Motivator / DJ Assistant is to perform the duties of MC (master of ceremonies) for bar/bat mitzvahs, weddings, parties and school dances. You will be talking on a microphone in front of a crowd, provide high energy enthusiasm while motivating and encouraging people to dance, take requests, lead group/specialty dances, coordinate details with clients and other event vendors, host games, set up/take down equipment, load/unload equipment, take photos of guests and help the DJ with any other tasks. If you meet all of these requirements, you just may become a member of Stealth DJ's. Get paid to work and have fun at the same time! Training will be provided. After training, pay starts at 20% of total event contract price, which is equivalent to $16-$40 per hour. Your work schedule will vary greatly throughout the year. It will be depend on demand. This emcee job is ideal for anyone interested in fine arts, communications, media arts, broadcasting, television, radio, entertainment, music, dance, theatre or any other public speaking occupation. Also great for an up and coming entertainer, dance instructor, radio dj, radio disc jockey or radio personality. Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Party Animals, If I had been alive in the 70s, I would’ve totally been a disco whore—let’s party! I mean, I know how to have a good time, and that means others will have a good time. That’s why I’m always invited to parties, because I am the life of the party. In fact, people invite me to boring stuff like funerals because I always find a way to bring the fun—even in death. Some old dudes have even said I bring their old wood to life. Isn’t that so sweet? I’m a natural emcee. I used to have a show on my high school radio station. I called my show Asian Invasion. It was popular. Let’s Get This Party Started, Suzi P.S. Did I mention that I want my rap name to be Wonton Wrappa? Get it? Cuz I’m Asian… I have a very creative mind! Escape Game Attendant Inland Empire Escape Rooms - Riverside, CA Part-Time: $13-$15/hour Full Job Description: Inland Empire Escape Rooms in Riverside is Hiring! At our Game Center Guests schedule their 60 minute game to get locked into our themed rooms. Players must solve puzzles and find clues and manipulate objects if they have any hopes of escape before time runs out. Visit us on YELP to get an idea of what we expect for customer service. We are hiring for the Game Master position. Key responsibilities include: Greet our guests Present tips for success and rules Give the "backstory" to the unique scenario they will be playing Monitor the in-room cameras to track players’ progress Provide "in character" interaction with the players Debrief the players following the game Reset the room for our next group Also expect to do light cleaning, phone answering, and other tasks needed to provide our guests with an exceedingly great experience. Customer service is super important, as our business relies on word-of-mouth and getting great reviews across social media channels. Our GMs must have: A friendly warm personality Ability to get in character based upon scenario to run games The ability to work on their own and use their initiative As well as the ability to harmoniously work with others Confident technical skills to perform simple repairs, replace bulbs and fuses etc. Confident voice, able to command attention and speak clearly Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Role Players, This job so speaks to me. Seriously. I’m an actress already. And role playing is totally what I’m all about. I can make any client feel like they’re the sexiest, hottest dude in the world. And they think they’re spending some chat time with the sexiest, hottest chick in the world (I am hot)—even when I’m wearing my period panties and shoving ice cream in my face. My point is, I’ve got a fertile mind. I can come up with stories so quickly. Another of my fantasy jobs is tabloid reporter, cuz all that stuff is fakey fake. And in school, I always got good grades for my creative writing. My one teacher said I was detached from reality, and I’m all like: “Yeah. Right? Cool.” Masked and Whipped, Suzi I’m good with charts and stuff. Vaccine Scheduling WFH Gig Live Reps Call Center/Remote Full Job Description Live Reps Call Center is hiring for a vaccine scheduling project. Do you qualify for the Rapid Response Team? All shifts, 7 days a week, short or long term available… your choice. You must commit to completing all shifts you request. Must have a strong internet connection. Must have a quality PC i3 CPU or Better with 4GB OF RAM minimum and good computer system knowledge. No tablets, Mac’s, etc… must be a PC. You will need to pass a Standard Criminal Background check Knowledge of Microsoft Office and Excel a plus. Voice Over IP dialer experience helpful, but training is available. Must have a place to work in your home without disruptions or background noise. Job Types: Contracted Project - 9 months with 2, 6 month extensions possible Payment Rate: $10 to $12 per hour Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Flow Charters, I am totally 100% behind this. I know some people are all scared of getting vaccinated, but if you’ve had a couple of one night stands, you’ve been pricked with worse! Let’s get pricked! Since I’m Asian, I’m really good at organizing stuff. And these skills have been really helpful in my current not-real career of phone actress. I have a schedule of when each client needs my attention, what they like and don’t like, and any other notes. It’s important to be on top of things (that’s what he said), so I know I’ll be a natural fit for this job. Stickin’ and Winnin’, Suzi This is a big girl job that’s totally cool! Joseph De Heer Curator of Asian Art Joseph De Heer Curator of Asian Art Denver Art Museum Inc – Denver, CO Salary/$80,000 - $100,000/year Full Job Description The Denver Art Museum (DAM) seeks a dynamic and experienced individual to lead the museum’s Asian art department to a higher level of regional, national, and international prominence. Qualified candidates are expected to exemplify the DAM’s internal values, which include being dynamic, respectful, inclusive, creative, and curious. The ability to maintain effective and positive working relationships with visitors, employees, volunteers, representatives of public and private entities, policy-making bodies, and contractors is critical to the success of this position. DAM’s Asian art collection includes about 7,000 items, ranging in age from antiquity to modern days, and spanning the entire Asian continent - Turkey, South Asia and East Asia – along with Islamic art. A reinstallation of the Asian permanent collection is underway in the newly renovated Martin Building and 22,000 square feet of exhibition space will open to the public in the fall of 2021. Of that, 5,000 square feet will be available for temporary exhibitions. The collection is particularly strong in Chinese art and the incoming curator should have a strong expertise in Chinese art. However, given the collection’s breadth, the incoming curator must also serve as a generalist, lifting up all aspects of the collection. The curator will come with active networks in both the U.S. and abroad that include a variety of individuals and enterprises in the art, culture and museum sectors. The Asian art curator must enjoy working with donors, collectors, and the department’s Friends group, and will welcome wide audiences, including families and students. The successful candidate for this position must have leadership qualities and excellent communication skills. Much of the work at DAM is cross-departmental, and exhibitions are developed through advisory committees that often invite external perspectives. The successful candidate will be someone who enjoys collaboration, welcomes input from other museum staff and from external constituencies, and is willing to have guest- and co-curators for exhibitions in the department. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Yellow Lovers, I am an Asian. And I know Asian art! All those pictures in the Chinese restaurant in my hood are so cool. I know good stuff when I see it! Plus, I think I’m a long-lost relative of the Ming Dynasty. At least, that’s what my pops said. But he was drunk at the time, so maybe he was wrong. I should do an Ancestry thing and find out. I don’t know much about turkey. Except that my grams’ isn’t the best. I mean, it’s always dry. Gramps says it’s as dry as her own bird. And something about it being flappy now. Anywho, I could bring my third cousin in to co-collaborate. He’s really smart. He did all these Bob Ross paintings. I opened a museum of his paintings when I was a kid, so I have a head for business, too. China and Vases for All Races, Suzi This is right up my… alley. Assistant Boudoir Photographer Milk and Honey Boudoir - Akron, OH Job Type: Part-time/Contract $50-$150/hour Responsibilities of Contractor include but are not limited to the following: taking pictures of details, and people holding and/or carrying lighting and other equipment directing & artistically posing people independently capturing moments of the day attending to other photography-related details promoting "Milk & Honey" on social media (Facebook, Instagram, etc.) This Job Is Ideal for Someone Who Is: Dependable -- more reliable than spontaneous People-oriented -- enjoys interacting with people and working on group projects Adaptable/flexible -- enjoys doing work that requires frequent shifts in direction Innovative -- prefers working in unconventional ways or on tasks that require creativity Suzi’s Cover Letter:Dear Bedroom Beauties, OMG! I do bedroom pictures all the time. I mean, I have pro lighting and the best outfits. That’s really helped my own business grow. So, I would take that knowledge and help you all out. I feel so comfortable in the bedroom, and I want to learn more about picture stuff. I comfortable around all kinds of people, and I can bring out the best in anyone. Some people are shy, but once they hear me talk—they’re like pudding in my hands. Thought I usually only entertain on the phone, there are times when I will meet in person with a client. Sometimes they have picture fantasies, and I help them out. So fulfilling. Lights, Camera, Coochie, Suzi |
AuthorI'm just your average girl who wants a kick-ass life and... love! If I could be a superhero, that would be AWESOME! I'm currently a "phone actress" looking for a really cool career. Don't get me wrong-- I love giving a hand to dudes who need someone to chat with. Everybody needs somebody! But, my parents keep telling me I need a respectable job. Sigh. Archives
August 2022
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