the crack files:
Suzi sPEAKS
Just an average girl looking for her dream gig. Hit me up at: [email protected]
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Windows are cool. How else could you see outside? Right? Brand AmbassadorUniversal Windows Direct – Columbus, OH Part-time Universal Windows Direct is looking for driven, well-spoken Marketing Representatives to help build our corporate location and achieve our goals of becoming the number one home improvement company in the nation. UWD is a leader in the industry and currently ranked 11th in the nation as a Top Remodeler. UWD is more than a home improvement company, it is a culture driven corporation that is dedicated to improving the lives of our employees and customers. As a UWD Marketing Representative you will be responsible for the following: Learning and implementing UWD’s award winning marketing and selling approach Promotion of UWD’s exclusive line of products As the voice of our company, you’ll be one of the first interactions we have with customers. Because of that, we’ve discovered successful representatives have the following traits: Outgoing Self-motivated Positive and energetic Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Window of Opportunity-ers, I can talk about anything. And who doesn’t love windows? There are so many styles. Like, square. Long. Picture. Screen Door. And that Amityville Horror window. I’ve sold all kinds of things like candles, dips and my soul. Windows are easy! And I’m always enthusiastic about whatever job I have. One time, I had this fat, hairy, gross client (He sent me a pic. Ick.) and I pretended he was hot and do-able. He ended up happy, and I ended up paid! See… you later, Suzi Ooooh! I watch America’s Next Top Model. I got those poses down! Voice Over/Spokesmodel For YouTube Channel:The AcesN8s Collection – Summerville, Sc $40-$50 an hour Part-time No experience necessary. High School Diploma. Standard voice over work, but will allow hiree carte blanche on script. Some on camera work for the channel may be involved. Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Fashionista/o, One of my dreams in life is to be YouTube famous. I mean, how cool is that? Then, I can be an influenza and make all kinds of money to post products on my Insta. I keep my body in shape, and I have good skin. My “girls” are full and perky. My voice is great for voice over stuff. And I can sing: I see I have “carte blanche”. So, you mean I can act like Blanche from The Golden Girls? She’s one hot older gal! Lights, Camera… Suzi The world of make-believe is totally awesome! Costume Character PerformerLEGOLAND California Resort – Carlsbad, CA Position Summary: The Costume Character will serve as an easily recognizable “signature” representation of LEGOLAND California. Entertains guests and promotes LEGOLAND California on a daily basis throughout the park and at periodic off-site special events. Scope and Responsibilities: Provides entertainment, amusement, and interactive activities for guests at LEGOLAND California by taking every opportunity to interact with guests throughout the park. Exceeds guest service expectation. Represents LEGOLAND California in the best manner possible by maintaining the integrity and artistic value of all presentations when performing in the park and on special events. Performs in a full body costume for upwards of 40 minutes at a time. Performance includes stationary meet & greets and/or dancing. Background and Experience: Previous Costume Character experience is preferred. Experience in customer service field is required. Ability to move in and withstand wearing hot and heavy costume for up to 40 minutes at a time is necessary. Due to scale demands of costume, applicant size must fit in the dimensions of the costume, including being between 5’1” and 5’6” in height. Suzi’s Cover Letter:Dear Furry Friend, OMG! Do you know how many Legos I had as a kid? Like, a ton! I love them so much! Plus, I think this is a great job because there days that I need to feel loved. I mean, who doesn’t get excited when they see a costume character? Everybody runs over and says “Hi” and stuff. It’s so kind. I can totally rock any costume. I’ve played the Easter Bunny before, but I was even cooler, because I made a glitter bikini for bunny to wear. Who says the Easter Bunny’s a dude? #jayjaypower Another time, I dressed in a squirrel costume for one of my clients. He was happy. So. Happy. I’ve done hot yoga, so I can last forever in a sweaty costume. And I’m the perfect height. Being short finally pays off! Furever yours, Suzi I’m so creative! Designer – BooksWeldon Owen Publishing – San Francisco, CA Weldon Owen International, an award-winning independent, illustrated book publisher located in San Francisco is seeking a creative, energetic, and organized Graphic Designer to join the team. Founded in 1984, Weldon Owen is a high-quality, nonfiction, adult and children’s book publisher specializing in producing innovative, richly illustrated lifestyle books in the categories of food and drink, sports and fitness, popular science, craft and design, education and popular culture for the global market. Primary Responsibility: Creating designs for a variety of products, mainly books. Responsibilities include but are not limited to: Create book designs to conform to company-defined objectives Produce cover mechanicals and print-ready files Adhere to demanding schedules and help uphold high design quality standards Qualifications: BA degree in graphic art design or equivalent education and experience Proven experience in book design, preferable in Trade publishing Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Fellow Visionary, I love to draw and design! I’ve been doing it forever. And I think we all need to think outside of the box. Let’s say there’s a kid’s book about a superhero dog. Then I’ll draw a dog with a cape, but the cape will be 3D and stick out of the cove! Wow!  Let’s say there’s a cocktail book. Why show drinks? That’s so cliché. I’d show a drunk person because that means the cocktails inside the book are so yummy and good! I’ll buy that book! I don’t have a BA, but I still use adult coloring books, so my skills are still sharp. Like, I am totally inside the lines. Unless I’m going for a “glow” effect, then I’m outside the lines. Let’s create art together, Suzi Get out the whoop-ass! Junior Preditor/Media SpecialistSinclair Broadcast Group – Santa Monica, CA We are advancing the world of Broadcasting and we want YOU to join our winning team! Our Junior Preditor/Media Specialist creates daily video content for Hummingbird’s App and desktop product while maintaining Hummingbird’s brand across platforms. Our Junior Preditor/Media Specialist reports to Hummingbird’s Editor in Chief. The ideal candidate will have local TV station, linear programming and digital experience, as well as post production experience working with AVID systems and /or Adobe Premiere. Responsibilities include but are not limited to: Conceptualizes and packages engaging video content for linear experiences Maintains Hummingbird’s brand voice through overall tone and images; works in close collaboration with graphic designer and senior team Qualifications: A minimum of an undergraduate degree Superb graphic and video editing skills in a deadline-driven environment. Excellent knowledge of the social web, video platforms and social communication tools. Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear “Dutch”, The two things that got me excited about this job: Predator and hummingbirds! One is delicate. And one would eat the hummingbird!  I’m looking forward to being all invisible and badass like Predator. But I want to be a nice version. Like, I’ll just appear somewhere and spread hummingbird love. That’s better. Or, I can be a mashup. I’ll be all stalk-y like Predator, but look like a hummingbird. Oh, and I do a good Arnold impersonation. Seriously. Like, who doesn’t? There’s something waiting for us, and it ain’t no man, Suzi I want to make a difference in the world. Happiness Ambassador (Part-Time) Oh My Green – Seattle, WA Company Introduction: Oh My Green is concierge-style provider of healthy food and wellness services for corporations of all sizes. Founded out of the Standford-StartX Fund and Y Combinator, the company offers a user-friendly wellness platform that brings nutritious snacks, meals, drinks and wellness practices to the workplace through micro-kitchens, micro-markets, catering, café management, subscription boxes and more. Overview: Promoting company culture and values through interacting and providing clients with exceptional customer experience Merchandising, inventory management and restocking of all products within a timely manner with strong attention to detail- utilizing internal applications and tools Maintain clean and crisp client kitchens including all Oh My Green equipment and appliances Make lots of coffee! Requirements: Passion for our mission Detail-oriented, reliable, organized, forward thinking, proactive, and approachable Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Mr. Green Jeans, I love to eat! I’m all about salad and veggies. And ice cream. And I want to share good food with good people. I’m excellent at cleaning. Growing up, my sister was a slob. Still is, actually. I did all the cleaning. I want to use my creative juices. Get it? Juices! I could make foodtime even better by singing little songs like this:  OMG! I’m the queen of making coffee. I’m very creative with flavors and stuff. I need coffee every night so I can be there for my clients. Here’s to green things, Suzi I’ve always loved Las Vegas! Like, all those lights! SkyJump Ground Crew Stratosphere Casino Hotel & Tower – Las Vegas, NV Summary: The ground crew operates the SkyJump store and assists guests checking in to the attraction. Sell merchandise, ride tickets, and communicate with the SkyJump Masters team on a regular basis. Essential Functions and Responsibilities: Give excellent guest service at all times and promote a fun, entertaining and exciting environment Educate guests on the jump experience and answer their questions Schedule and outfit the guests for their jumps Ensure all safety checks are completed before and after the attraction closes Smile, make eye contact, and use the guest’s name while interacting Provide outstanding customer service in a timely manner to both guests and fellow employees Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Kris Krossers, I love to jump! I always did when I was a kid. I even have one of those mini trampolines in my room now! Fun!  I promise to wear a good, supportive bra. Or maybe you don’t want me to? To attract the dudes? Whatever it takes to sell! I enjoy working with the public and I’m good at giving instructions. Just ask my phone clients. They do everything I tell them to. I always use their name. And they say my name a lot! I’m really good at picking out outfits. I’ll be thinking maximum cuteness while mid-jump. Do I get a shopping budget? Bounce with me, Suzi I play with makeup all the time. Sweet! Freelancer - By KilianEstee Lauder – Los Angeles, CA Position Summary: As one of our highly skilled make-up artists you will combine your creative and technical expertise and passion for people to provide a welcoming, inspirational and personalized in-store experience which educates and delights our customers. You will also like working as part of a high performing team to create impact with in-store events and to ensure that the store always achieves our high standards of visual merchandising to stand out against our competitors. Qualifications: While a qualification in make-up artistry/previous retail make up experience is preferred, we welcome applicants with amateur level experience who are able to demonstrate a high level of creative and technical expertise Ability to work retail hours including days, nights, weekends and special events in a fast-paced work environment Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Fellow Beauty Artiste, When I was a kid, I had one of those big Barbie heads. You know, so you can style the hair and do the makeup? I was a pro!  I can do all makeup styles: Goth, natural, hooker… whatevs! My moms wears Estee Lauder, so I’m familiar with old lady stuff! Let’s give good face together, Suzi |
AuthorI'm just your average girl who wants a kick-ass life and... love! If I could be a superhero, that would be AWESOME! I'm currently a "phone actress" looking for a really cool career. Don't get me wrong-- I love giving a hand to dudes who need someone to chat with. Everybody needs somebody! But, my parents keep telling me I need a respectable job. Sigh. Archives
August 2022
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