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CRACK WISE MAG

the crack files:
​Suzi sPEAKS

Just an average girl looking for her dream gig. Hit me up at: [email protected]

    JOIN THE FUNFORMATION MOVEMENT! 

    ​And don't worry. We won't spam you or sell your info. We don't have that kind of time... or motivation. 
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Let's Stay Married

8/31/2021

 
Marriage is a wonderful thing!

Picture

THE LETTER:

Dear Coupled,

Marriage is important, and I want to help keep people together. I had a friend whose wife wasn’t satisfied in bed, so I joined them and showed them what each one likes, you know, new techniques—and it helped their marriage!
​
Sometimes I join them to make sure everything is still okay. And I’m great at spreading… the word about stuff. I wasn’t voted Most Outgoing for nothing! 

Let me be all oral for you!
​
Hopeful for Hope,
Suzi

THE JOB:

​Publicist

Marriage Helper
Job details:
Salary: $50,000 - $65,000 a year

Job Type
Full-time/Remote

Full Job Description
About us
Marriage Helper has a GLOBAL mission: to save marriages and strengthen families.

Over the past 20 years, the workshops and courses that our team has created have a 70% success rate at saving marriages — even the marriages literally everyone else has given up on.

We work with marriages that are affected by:
Affairs, control, addiction, communication issues, lack of intimacy…the list goes on.
We’ve seen it all…Even marriages that have been divorced for up to 10 years!

Here’s what we are looking for:
Someone who wants to come on board and help us spread our message of hope FAR and WIDE!
 
The Position:
Make Marriage Helper a household name through consistent and key placements in popular media as well as highly aligned media outlets

Pitch interviews, op-eds, articles, podcast guest placements, radio interviews, and more for Kimberly Holmes and Dr. Joe Beam

Develop a PR strategy and pitch plan that aligns with Marriage Helper’s goals and audience

Promote the success of the Marriage Helper organization to business journals
Key advisor and project manager for PR strategy

Make sure all placements and mentions are in line with Marriage Helper branding and tone

The goal is to increase awareness of the Marriage Helper brand and drive traffic to the MarriageHelper.com website and phone calls

Develop creative ways to keep Marriage Helper in the news

Find timely headlines, identify the right media markets and contacts, and pitch in a timely manner

Cultivate and maintain media relationships

Write press releases and quotes for media, being well-versed in Joe and Kimberly’s content and voice

Coordinate with internal team members and external media contacts to direct seamless interviews from start to finish

Create media lists and strategies for campaigns

Help Marriage Helper leaders grow in their media interview skills by providing regular feedback and media training

The Candidate:
3–5 years of on-the-job experience in PR, publicity, or a related field (preferably more)

You’re passionate about the world of PR that means you think in terms of the news cycle and you’re interested in all types of media (broadcast, print, podcast, radio, and online)

Experience in booking clients on large media outlet shows, placed in high-traffic news sites, and more.

You have personally researched media outlets and contacts, written a pitch, made a pitch, successfully procured media, and cultivated the relationship from start to finish by yourself (not just worked on a team or supervised a team that did all the pieces of the process)

You’re great at working with people, and you’re highly collaborative

You’re able to multitask and prioritize assignments while maintaining flexibility in a fast-paced environment

You’re professional and confident when interacting in person, in writing and on the phone with people you haven’t met

You meet deadlines without sacrificing quality

You’re an excellent writer
​
Degree in public relations, communications, journalism, marketing or another related field

Eyes on You

8/24/2021

 
I see this happening!

Picture

THE LETTER:

Dear For Four Eyes,

Everyone in my family wears glasses, except me. But I sometimes wear them. I love how cool glasses look. Especially dudes with glasses. I find they’re smart and quirky. They’re not big in the pants, but they have better overall skills.

I see people for who they are and want to help them see better!

Yay!
​
Seeing Clearly,
Suzi

THE JOB:

​Optical Specialist

Visionworks - Elyria, OH
Job Type: Full-time

Full Job Description
Want to bring the “care” back to the vision care industry? We're looking for charismatic types who are ready to be the heart of our brand. Whether it's a friendly voice over the phone, or a welcoming smile when a patient walks into your store, we need individuals who are passionate about helping customers look great and see great.

The Role:
A Visionworks Optical Specialist is the very face of our business and is dedicated to ensuring the best possible journey for every patient and customer. This person is trained and knowledgeable about optics, our products/services and managed vision care. The Sr. OS personally takes the patient/customer through the Visionworks experience ensuring their eyewear needs are met in a simple, human and bold way.

Delivers daily sales goals by ensuring the best execution of the Customer/Patient Experience journey

Engage with patients/customers and recommend products and services that meet their eye care needs

Measure patients/customers for their eyewear and maintain product/optical knowledge through cont. training and development to ensure eyewear is Right the First Time

Execute day-to-day operational activities to support the store's financial and customer experience goals including restocking inventory, merchandising, and order fulfillment of eyewear to ship

Qualifications:
1 Related customer or patient experience preferred, but not necessary
HS diploma, GED or equivalent related job experience
​
What we offer!
At Visionworks, we offer a generous, competitive benefits package (for our part timers, too!) and exclusive employee discounts —including but not limited to Vision Coverage)
Paid Parental Leave
Bereavement Leave
401 (k) Savings Plan
Paid Time off
Milestone anniversary awards
Medical, Dental for Full Timers
And more!

Hellelujah

8/17/2021

 
I love singing! Especially in the shower!

Picture

THE LETTER:

Dear Hymnsters,

I sang in the choir since I can remember. I recently left church singing because this one THOT said I was horrible and we wrestled in front of the altar and the pastor got mad. Up until then, I was great. I helped arrange the songs, and I can play a little organ.
​
Here’s what my singing is like.
​

Nailed it!
​
Wine and Holy Water,
Suzi

THE JOB:

​Singer

Trinity Episcopal Church
King of Prussia, PA
Job details
Salary: $100 an hour
​
Full Job Description
Trinity Episcopal Church, King of Prussia (https://www.trinitygulphmills.org/), is seeking a singer familiar with liturgical music with a strong voice to lead hymn singing and responses at worship each Sunday morning from September. Generous compensation for the right applicant plus mileage allowance.

Bobette Ross

8/10/2021

 
I’m a natural Van Gogo!

Picture

THE LETTER:

Dear Amorous Animators,

I’m usually the kind of person that’s in the forefront, but my background is fine, too. That’s what he said (wink, wink.)

My drawings are pretty cool. I almost went to school for art and stuff, but I was rejected. Art is subjective and not everyone can vibe me. Here’s a sample of my art:

I could be one of the greats.

Stroking However,
Suzi

THE JOB:

​BACKGROUND PAINTER

Nickelodeon Animation - Burbank, CA
Job Type: Full-time

Full Job Description
For over 30 years, the Nickelodeon Animation Studio continues to be one of the largest producers of television animation in the world, reflecting all kids today. Based in Burbank, Calif., with offices in New York, the Studio, designed by our artists and for our artists, is home to the world's greatest creative talents. Our campus of creativity houses top-notch talent, storytellers, artists, production teams, voice actors, cartoon experts and more. At Nickelodeon, we are always looking to recruit dedicated craftspeople to help bring groundbreaking new ideas to life and that starts with you! We are leading the way in animated content for TV series, TV movies, shorts and theatrical features. Some of our new upcoming original animated series include, Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years, Rugrats, Middlemost Post, Star Trek: Prodigy, Big Nate and Santiago of the Seas, among others. Our content development teams are creator-driven, our work culture is collaborative, our mentorship of new talent is second to none, and we are committed to hiring inclusively to reflect authenticity in the diverse stories we want to tell. Join us!

Summary
Paints backgrounds, layouts and any other background-related art that the production may require, ensuring style and quality of show is met.
 
Responsibilities
Meet with creative supervisor(s) to ensure color needs of show are fulfilled.
Follow instructions of supervisor.
Complete all color work within assigned deadlines.
Resolve color problems with creative supervisors.
Ensure all deadlines are met.
Communicate progress of work to appropriate production staff.
Ensure all artwork is accurately backed up and stored appropriately.
Ensure all shipping materials are prepared and ready on time.
Be available for questions until your department’s shipment is complete.
Review storyboard for background key color callouts.
Assist with special projects.
Fulfill other color projects, including but not limited to color lead sheets, color script and/or color pass on storyboards.
If applicable, scan backgrounds and adjust digitally as necessary.

Qualifications
Must demonstrate proficiency in style of show.
Strong knowledge of Color theory and lighting.
Knowledge of or willingness to learn applicable Color software and hardware.
Strong time-management skills.
Work well under pressure.
​

Do What I Say

8/3/2021

 
I’m very influential!

Picture

THE LETTER:

Dear Followers:

I’m very influential, so I could totally teach and spot potential influencers. I’m a budding influencer myself, after spending my whole life getting people to do what I want. It’s a gift.

One time in high school I wanted my own car, but my parents wouldn’t get me one because they gave one to my sister because they felt bad because she was 16 and preggo. Bitch. So, I convinced this nerdy pimple-face guy to give me his car and he did!

Influencing!

People Be Sheeple,
Suzi

THE JOB:

​Influencer & Talent Manager

Ingenuity Live Inc.
Remote

Job details
Salary: From $50,000 a year
Job Type: Full-time
Full Job Description

Role and Responsibilities for Account Manager
Talent Prospecting
Meeting prospective talent to be the voice of Account Management
Talent Onboarding
Onboarding Call - Survey completed
Review of socials
Gathering of documentation - headshots, previous or current agreements
Assess previous/current opportunities for brand and media
Assess current goals, challenges
General housekeeping:
update contact information in ZOHO
Obtain sizing
Content for media kit
Confirm our processes (what to expect) with IL
Non Negotiables
Update IL Website
Liaise with IT for systems updates per talent
Schedule and facilitating Talent 313

Talent Support
Scheduling
Media
Brand deliverables
Internal Meetings
Events
Attend weekly Op meetings
Host Deliverable meetings
Tracking packages as required
Set up Cameo / OnlyFans / Exclusive Sites as required
Set up Merchandise as required
Follow up with outstanding receivables with Finance
Create Media Kits
313 Monthly/Quarterly/ Yearly follow ups

    Author

    I'm just your average girl who wants a kick-ass life and... love! If I could be a superhero, that would be AWESOME! I'm currently a "phone actress" looking for a really cool career. Don't get me wrong-- I love giving a hand to dudes who need someone to chat with. Everybody needs somebody! But, my parents keep telling me I need a respectable job.  Sigh.

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