the crack files:
Suzi sPEAKS
Just an average girl looking for her dream gig. Hit me up at: [email protected]
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I love the word liaison. It sounds fancy—like me.  Reservation & Guest Experience Agent THE GUILD Full-Time: From $15/hour Full Job Description: Our goal...to craft incredible experiences for people that love to explore while enjoying the comforts of home. The Guild offers the comfort and convenience of a high-end apartment with the personalized service of a boutique hotel. We believe traveling in comfort is more than someone making your bed while you’re out or delivering room service while you’re in. It’s feeling at ease. Relaxed. Your role: The Guest Experience Central Team is a high volume inbound contact center environment going above and beyond to provide Guild guests with a step-above world class experience. A successful agent must display both strong communication skills with computer literacy and exceptional guest service abilities to assist the guest beyond the transactional experience to a transformational guest experience. Our agents are empowered to own the guest relationship to maintain industry leading NPS of 80+. You will be responsible for (mostly) inbound contacts via text, phone, email, etc, and possess the ability to work through multiple systems to assist guests quickly, and with quality. What you’ll do: Handle inbound guest contacts across multiple channels and tools (phone, email, sms, chat), primarily responsible for making reservations and answering guest questions. Effectively communicate with guests to exceed their expectations with your guidance, knowledge, patience, and issue resolution Assist guests at each step of the customer journey to ensure a streamlined, positive experience resulting in promoters and repeat bookings Treat our guests as friends first to make every stay perfect and offer up your city knowledge at every opportunity (suggest authentic city favorites, foods, and hot spots) Identify and take action on/make suggestions for guests based on your research into their reservation or inquiries Suzi’s Cover Letter:Dear Secret Agents, This job is my heart: quality customer experiences! Like, I totally do that now. I mean, I don’t schedule cool vacays anywhere for people, but I do create a getaway, fantasy world for them. It will be nice to travel outside the mind for once. And who doesn’t love a vacation? I’m all about making sure the customer is happy from start to finish. I never leave my phone clients hanging. I want to know that I’ve fulfilled their desires and that there is always a happy ending? Isn’t that what it’s all about? The cherry on top? Plus, being a comfort woman is kinda in my blood. There was that thing in history where the Japanese made other Asian women sex workers for their men. But this is obvs more positive because I’m choosing to do it. Here to Please, Suzi I’m good with charts and stuff. Vaccine Scheduling WFH Gig Live Reps Call Center/Remote Full Job Description Live Reps Call Center is hiring for a vaccine scheduling project. Do you qualify for the Rapid Response Team? All shifts, 7 days a week, short or long term available… your choice. You must commit to completing all shifts you request. Must have a strong internet connection. Must have a quality PC i3 CPU or Better with 4GB OF RAM minimum and good computer system knowledge. No tablets, Mac’s, etc… must be a PC. You will need to pass a Standard Criminal Background check Knowledge of Microsoft Office and Excel a plus. Voice Over IP dialer experience helpful, but training is available. Must have a place to work in your home without disruptions or background noise. Job Types: Contracted Project - 9 months with 2, 6 month extensions possible Payment Rate: $10 to $12 per hour Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Flow Charters, I am totally 100% behind this. I know some people are all scared of getting vaccinated, but if you’ve had a couple of one night stands, you’ve been pricked with worse! Let’s get pricked! Since I’m Asian, I’m really good at organizing stuff. And these skills have been really helpful in my current not-real career of phone actress. I have a schedule of when each client needs my attention, what they like and don’t like, and any other notes. It’s important to be on top of things (that’s what he said), so I know I’ll be a natural fit for this job. Stickin’ and Winnin’, Suzi Twinkle, twinkle, I “thinkle” I can do this!  Astrology Writer Elite Daily Part-time Elite Daily is seeking a remote, part-time Astrology writer to join its Experiences vertical. Day-to-day responsibilities include pitching and writing monthly horoscopes and evergreen zodiac-related content. Examples of the types of articles you’d work on include the spiritual meaning of a solar eclipse, which signs will have the worst month, the best matches for Sagittarius, and how you should decorate your living space, according to your sign. Applicants should have an expert knowledge of all aspects of the zodiac, including a solid understanding of how to read individual birth charts. We’re looking for someone who is interested in what the stars can reveal about everything from the Schitt’s Creek character you are to who you are on Instagram. The ideal candidate is also creative, familiar with the Elite Daily voice, and possesses the ability to produce humorous, light-hearted, clean, and engaging content while meeting daily deadlines. The position is part-time, remote, takes place during normal business hours (EST), and reports to the Senior Experiences Editor. Responsibilities Be able to turn around 3 articles per day in a timely manner Pitch fresh angles related to astrology Remain flexible while meeting deadlines Requirements Availability to work remotely 4 days a week, Monday - Friday 2+ years of relevant blogging/writing experience Familiarity with SEO best practices Proficiency in writing in AP Style A deep understanding of astrology Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Stargazers, I literally feel like this is written in the stars for me. My people are all holistic and zen and deep-thinkers and stuff, so astrology is my thing. Plus, my great-grandmother was some kind of showman back in some village and could read everybody. I’m good at reading people, but like in a modern way. Anywho, I bought this book on astrology years ago so I could figure out which dudes would be compatible with me and which ones to stay away from. Here’s a sample reading thingie: "If you’re an Aries and you’ve been a hoe, you better get to the doctor and have your jayjay looked at. Because you’re a fire sign. And there may be a fire in your panties that doesn’t need to spread. Like you apparently spread your legs one too many times." Isn’t that great!?!? Milky Ways and Galaxy Quests, Suzi I’m the expert on all things brunch! Quiche Interpreter Linguistica International – Tuscaloosa, AL Remote/Contract Full Job Description At Linguistica International, we meet any type of language service needs, including telephone-based interpretation, on-site interpretation, and written translation. Our services are available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year and our qualified professional interpreters cover over 350 languages and dialects. Responsibilities: Receive client-calls and answer in a professional manner Render correct concepts and meanings between requested language and English, upholding correct rules of grammar, clarity, and tone, from one language into another Provide clear and accurate renditions with no additions or omissions Employ good customer service and clear enunciation, pronunciation, pleasant and professional voice as well as polite forms of expression Remain calm during emergency calls Ensure access to the Internet for work-related to electronic communication Follows client’s instructions, manage the flow of the call and avoid taking over the call, as well as avoids having side conversations with the limited English speaker Qualifications: Native, or near-native, fluency in requested language and English Ability to explain cultural concepts to avoid miscommunication, and to act as a cultural broker Ability to concentrate, stay detached from the conversation and remain neutral and objective at all times while following the client’s instructions closely Excellent listening, retention and note-taking skills to maintain a high level of accuracy Knowledge of industry-specific terminology; on-going study of glossaries and training materials including scripts provided by our clients Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Quichers, My pops said there was this belief once that “real men don’t eat quiche”. Like, why? Quiche is so yummy. In fact, I’ve made it my mission since childhood to make delicious quiches and get my pops to eat them – which he did—and he LOVES THEM. And he’s a real man. So, winning! My favorite quiche is this sausage hashbrown quiche that I like to serve with biscuits. I make an awesome green chile quiche that I serve with hot sausage and salsa. I love mini, crust-less quiches. I am a pro! So, I can identify any quiche you need me to. Eggs in a Pie Crust, Suzi OMG! Christmas is the bestest holiday ever! Digital Santa ClausSanta Calls – Phoenix, AZ Contract/$75 an hour Full Job Description This year Christmas will be different, and the magic of the Santa and North Pole is making its debut over the internet. With malls closed around the nation, Santa's (work) home is in quarantine. It's a good thing Santa's nifty elves hammered away on the mobile application, Santa Calls. By using Facetime, and Zoom technology children all over the nation will still be able to talk to a real, live Santa Claus. Join our team and help us make children smile and feel the magic of Christmas. We are dedicated to giving every child an opportunity to believe this Christmas. Requirements: Pass Background Check Good communication skills Positive attitude, warm smile, welcoming voice Must enjoy interacting with children and families Real Beard, Excellent personal hygiene Ability to sit for long periods of time Full Santa outfit By contracting with the Santa Calls team you will be paid on a per-call basis working only part-time. You will represent the company as Santa from the North Pole. Your duties will be to manage a call queue list and make Facetime, or Zoom calls to families and children for 2-minutes. During the call, you will be required to gather key information from the child, such as name and what they want for Christmas. It is important to make this experience magical for the child. Not all children are very talkative, you must be able to adapt to adversity. Have readily available books, jingles, or stories to tell. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear North Polers, Christmas is my favoritest holiday! Like, I want to have Christmas stuff all year, but I don’t feel like being shamed about it, so… I always wanted to be Santa Claus, because Santa brings so much joy into the world! And, I think anyone can be Santa—even a chick—because it’s about your heart. It’s not about race or gender. And, I think Santa needs to recognize adults, too. I’ve dressed up as Santa many times for video chats with my male clients. They were very pleased with my fishnets and leather boots and red lingerie. Imagine how I could inspire others? So many North Poles, so little time… Spreading legs and love, Suzi Clusters are good. They make me think of squirrels! Commerce Cluster Writers Dotdash – Remote About Your Role: As a freelance commerce updates editor for The Spruce, you will review and revise existing commerce articles in our content management system in order to elevate user experience, according to specific project instructions and brand guidelines. Updates commerce editors must commit to 20 hours weekly. About Your Contributions: You will research and perform revisions or updates to commerce content directly in our content management system as needed according to specific project instructions and brand guidelines. In some cases you will use your editorial instinct to independently assess what work is necessary on a piece of commerce content before performing an update You will fact check and copy edit on top of any larger revisions and updates. About You: You have a strong background in commerce writing with current industry knowledge and relationships. You’re always on top of new trends and products. Experience covering home improvement, pet products, appliances (large or small), or children’s toys a plus, but not required. You’re able to easily adopt an established brand voice, and you adhere to strict brand and style guidelines like a pro. You’re comfortable working in a content management system and can work quickly, independently and accurately. You are comfortable working remotely. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear C Effers, I have experience writing in catalogs. Okay. One catalog. Like, really one catalog only ever came out. It was for my bestie’s startup lingerie company. But then it didn’t happen and she just did an OnlyFans thing. But… I wrote some really good stuff. Here’s a sample: ENDLESS ECSTASY It's an artful orgasm wrapped inside a velvet bag. The Immortal Jade Glass Dildo is individually crafted and hand blown-- and guaranteed to blow your mind. A G-spot stimulator with spiral ridge, and three balls won't miss a single, delicious spot. Use warm or cold for whatever sensation you desire. 10-inches, 4.5-inch circumference (1.5-inch diameter); dishwasher safe; hypoallergenic; chemical and odor resistant; from the Glass Gem Collection. Right!?!?! Didn’t know I had it in me. I mean, I didn’t really have this in me… Oh—are there going to be work squirrels? Dottin’ and Dashin’, Suzi Every day, I wake up with thanks and stuff! Gratitude Ambassador SendThanksNow -- Chicago, IL Remote Part-time, Contract, Commission/Pay: $10.00 - $25.00 per hour SendThanksNow is seeking Ambassadors to amplify our voice and help build a more grateful world. Since launching our beta platform, STN has been rapidly growing our community of users. We believe that everyone deserves thanks and we need your help to pay it forward. Gratitude Ambassadors will be responsible for promoting our brand. You may use your own personal creativity to spread gratitude in order to build the community. Ambassadors will also have access to the SendThanksNow Team and internally developed collateral. The STN platform utilizes Hearts (1 Heart = 1 cent) plus messages, pictures, and videos to send gratitude. Ambassadors will be given thousands of Hearts to give away as the main method of community recruitment. Every Heart has a story and Ambassadors will help share them. Learn more here: https://sendthanksnow.com/about Watch our explainer: https://youtu.be/v_6hrR3ENvo Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear Tuders, OMG! I am always thankful and always telling people thankful and always talking about what I’m thankful for. So to make a living being thankful… GAH! I’m thankful for (Top 5 in no order): Thongs Puppies Makeup Queso Hot dogs And that whole one heart is one cent. It’s like selling candy bars at school! I love the thought of giving everyone a heart on! Full Hearts, Suzi Math. I’ve got this. Duh! BookkeeperAccounting for Jewelers – Tennessee $15 - $20/hour, Full-time, Part-time Position Overview: Accounting for Jewelers, LLC is currently seeking a staff Bookkeeper to work with a roster of 18 - 20 clients. For this role, we’re looking for someone who has accounting experience, is tech-savvy, and servant-hearted. This is a part-time, work from home position. Hourly rate commensurate with experience. No benefits offered for part-time employees, but there is existing opportunity for the right candidate to go full time and take on more responsibilities not listed here. Part Time Probation and Training Period. Full Time Potential. Flexible Hours. Suzi’s Cover Letter: Dear (Word) Problem Solvers, If anything were more genetically meant to be, this is it. Hello! Asians and math are like oil and water! Like cats and dogs! Plus, I love jewelry. So counting carrots and stones are, like, perfect for me. I’m very good with jewels. I wear them. I fondle them to get some jewels. It’s all good. Plus, I helped one of my clients keep things off the books, so…I can do that for you, too. And, not only can I add stuff up, but I could model your jewelry too. I could wear gold paint and you could put the jewelry on me! Like two jobs from one person! Me! Bling and Bookkeeping, Suzi OMG! I love Toto! Associate EditorAssociate Editor, Africa Remote/Contract About Us Our news team covers the most meaningful issues in the world, from eradicating malaria and polio to fighting climate change to ending poverty in our time. Our news team gets to know some of the most inspiring leaders in the world, from heads of state to celebrities to philanthropists to aid workers making a difference on the ground. Our journalists and editors produce original news stories, features, interviews, investigations, multimedia projects, OpEds, and online events and have a sustainable business model to do it. Professionals at NGOs like Save the Children, CARE, and the Gates Foundation rely on us to be in-the-know. Job Description About You Do you have at least five years of journalism and editing experience? Are you based in the Africa region and willing to work remotely? Are you an energetic editor who works well across time zones on a variety of topics? Are you excited to be a part of a global, mission-driven company that has an open, teamwork-focused culture? Read on. You're ambitious, detail-oriented, and have an open and collaborative attitude. You thrive in an environment where you're responsible for your work (but you get the support you need). You are a reliable multi-tasker who can smoothly juggle working with reporters and freelancers in a variety of locations who are writing about diverse topics, as well as taking on reporting projects of your own. You know the best way to explain complicated stories and are always looking to uncover new talent. Suzi's Cover LetterDear African Africans, I listen to that Yacht Rock station all the time when my mom’s in the car, cuz that’s her music. Something about one night with Bobby Preston in his backseat with something about “pink” and “stink”. Whatever. Anywho, mom said I was conceived while she was listening to “Africa” and I guess that’s why I love that song, cuz it’s in my jeans! I love everything about Toto and Africa. I could write all kinds of stories about it: the drums echoing through the night; the rains; moonlit wings; wild dogs cry out in the night. I’m perfect for this job! I can even draw a picture of Africa in my sleep! Kilimanjaro Rising, Suzi |
AuthorI'm just your average girl who wants a kick-ass life and... love! If I could be a superhero, that would be AWESOME! I'm currently a "phone actress" looking for a really cool career. Don't get me wrong-- I love giving a hand to dudes who need someone to chat with. Everybody needs somebody! But, my parents keep telling me I need a respectable job. Sigh. Archives
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