the crack files:
Suzi sPEAKS
Just an average girl looking for her dream gig. Hit me up at: [email protected]
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When you think fun, think ME! Photo Booth Attendant LightBooth – Seattle $20/hour PHOTO BOOTH ATTENDANT – EVENTS Established, high-end photo booth company is seeking energetic, fun personalities to engage with guests at photo booth events. You will be mostly working on your own in high energy, crowded environments at corporate events, private parties, weddings, conferences, and more! Some Things To Note: After training, expect 3-4 events per month, with opportunities for future growth and more events. Photography or event experience is not required but is a plus. If you haven’t worked in either of these fields, please let us know why you think you would be a good fit for the position. Suzi's Cover Letter: Dear Beautiful People, I’ve posed for so many pictures for my phone clients. It was a bonus I decided to throw in for them. Anything to keep the customer happy! I know good lighting and angles for posing. This job is perfect for me! I always have a smile on my face—unless my wench sister is talking to me, then, not so much. Other than that, I’m a happy girl! I’m good at recruiting people to participate in stuff. One time, I convinced a bunch of people to moon our mayor at an event. We would’ve gotten trouble, but I recognized his voice—yup! He’s a client! For a few weeks, I worked at Walmart’s photo studio. I made all those rednecks look good—especially the grandpa with one tooth. He had nice eyes. Strike a pose, Suzi I love radio! And big kittens! KSL Radio Cougar Sports Saturday Producer KSL Broadcast Group – Salt Lake City POSITION: KSL Radio is seeking a dynamic sports radio producer to join the Cougar Sports Saturday team. As the legacy home of the BYU Cougars, KSL’s “Cougar Sports Saturday” is the weekly “meeting place” for fans to follow the Cougs and get the most up-to-date on their team. The producer will work alongside the show hosts as a co-creator of each weekly show, finding the best BYU Sports headlines and delivering fans the unique coverage that is informative and entertaining. KEY RESPONSIBILITIES: Produce a highly compelling BYU sports talk show that covers the most important BYU headlines Research and contribute creative ideas on show development, topics, guests, format execution and station promotion Coordinate with hosts to plan engaging segments for the show Regularly post to show’s social media accounts using varied and creative content  Suzi's Cover Letter:Hey Purrfect People! I know all about cougars because my Aunt Sunny is a cougar! She’s been married three times, and she’s done with commitment. All she wants to do is younger dudes now. She looks okay, but it’s her spirit and money that’s attractive to boys. At least she dresses totally cool. That helps. She looks like a complete tramp when she goes out. I can totally produce a show about cougars. We could talk about what to wear to clubs; hair and makeup; how to hunt your prey; bedroom techniques. One time she took home two guys and made an “Aunt Sunny Sandwich”. Her phrase was: “Rise and Shine!” For sure! Paws Up, Suzi Boats rock. Because that means warm weather! Woot! Boat Mate Clearwater Marine Aquarium Part-time REPORTS TO: Lead Captain, and assigned Boat Captain PHYSICAL REQUIREMENTS: Must be able to endure long periods outside in the heat, have the ability to lift up to 50 lbs, have the dexterity and physical ability to be able to check engine fluids, conduct vessel inspections, as well as man overboard drills, and perform periodic maintenance on vessels. PRIMARY RESPONSIBILITY: The first mate is the right hand man of the captain, required to meet all requests of the captain and advise him when requested regarding all matters pertaining to the vessel and passengers. The Mate must take direction from the captain and communicate any information from him to the passengers when necessary or directed. Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Captain My Captain, I can totally handle the heat. I have the cutest tiniest bikinis. I can even go topless if needed. I’m really good at checking under the hoods of stuff. I once did this photo shoot for a calendar and we had to pose with cars with their hoods up and stuff. I was wearing short shorts and a tank top. So cute! Plus, I looove the show Below Deck. Captain Lee is such a handsome older man. I would love to be his right-hand man. And I’d like to squeeze him.  Or, I could be Kate. She’s such a skinny angry bitch. I’m nice and fun! Let’s sail together, Suzi Who doesn’t love the gift of food!?! So if I deliver food, people will love me! Yes! Seasonal Delivery Ambassador Edible Arrangements Franchise The Delivery Ambassador is responsible for representing Edible by maintaining a professional image and providing excellent customer service. The Delivery Ambassador is also responsible for delivering Edible orders accurately, in a timely manner, and with the highest level of customer service. In this job, everyone is happy to see you! Essential Job Functions and Responsibilities: Accurately delivers Edible products to customers in an efficient, courteous, and friendly manner Gathers and organizes delivery tickets by area Organizes most efficient routes Loads product in the delivery vehicle Maintains clean and safe vehicles Job Requirements: Must possess geographical knowledge of service area Demonstrate professional, clean, and neat appearance Positive attitude, friendly, and upbeat personality Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Fellow Munchers: I would feel so awesome doing this job. Because people like food, and fruit and chocolates are so good for you! I would be helping people get healthy! I could make people even happier to see me if I could dress up like a fruit. Maybe I could dress up like one of those Fruit of the Womb guys, or—I could dress up in one specific color—like a theme. A fruit theme! Let’s say I wear all orange. I’m an orange. Duh! Also, can I drive my own car? Cuz I would love to paint it like Skittles. That way, everyone would know what’s coming! Peace, Love, and Kiwis! Suzi Call me Lumberjackette Suzi! Axe Throwing Coach Part-time Sick of serving drinks or working in a coffee shop? Want to throw axes for a living? Urban Axes is looking for axe throwing coaches to lead group events at our venue in Somerville. Indoor competitive axe throwing has become a recreational and cultural juggernaut in Canada. Think darts but bigger and more satisfying. Our goals are simple: connect people in a casual social setting, build a culture around the sport of axe throwing and inspire a sense of community in a fun and safe environment. Specific duties include: Safety: make certain that all procedures, equipment needs and safety protocols are met without compromise. Coaching: train customers in proper throwing techniques so they learn how to throw well enough to have a positive and memorable experience. Ambassadorship: be the face of Urban Axes and represent our brand and passion for the sport of axe throwing in a fun and professional manner. The ideal candidate: IS A PEOPLE PERSON: has excellent communication skills, speaks clearly and concisely, genuinely likes being around people and has a good sense of humor. IS ENTHUSIASTIC: conveys a strong interest in teaching and sharing this new sport with guests and peers. HAS SOME EXPERIENCE working in entertainment, hospitality and/or recreation management.  Suzi's Cover Letter:Hi, Brawny Mofos! There is nothing cooler or sexier than a man with a beard dressed in plaid…. Anywho, I look great in plaid! I envision wearing plaid shirt tied at the waist, with daisy dukes and Timberland boots. So. Hot. I am a PEOPLE PERSON: I’m AXE-ELLENT with people! I am ENTHUSIASTIC: I’m AXE-STATIC to work for you! I have SOME EXPERIENCE: I am AXE-PERIENCED making people happy. All my phone clients are satisfied on the daily! Let’s chop down the walls and chat! Suzi I love snow! I actually love all seasons. Snow is so snuggly and fun! Snow Shovelers $18 - $25 an hour We’re looking to bring on additional shovelers for this winter season that will be able to shovel sidewalks and stairs for our commercial properties. Must have your own transportation to and from the sites that you are assigned to. Shovelers are paid via check or online transfer at the end of each week for any storms that occurred for that week. Shovelers are contracted as freelancers/independent contractors, we do not take any taxes out of your checks. Must have own shovel.  Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Shovel Pros! I’m in great shape, so I won’t throw my back out shoveling for you. My tossing technique is also excellent. I’m the envy of everyone around me! I have the coolest Hello, Kitty shovel, so I’ll be stylish, too. Also, I want to up the snow shoveling game with taking all that snow and doing something cool with it, like building a snow maze or snowman. Or, I could make a snow angel or other objects. Here’s to snow storms! Suzi My runway dreams are even closer! Fashion Business Reporter, Glossy Glossy is hiring a fashion reporter to cover the evolution of the industry. This person will be well-versed in the fashion industry and how technology is changing the way it operates. Knowledge and interest in how today’s brands and retailers are growing to adapt to social media, e-commerce, mobile commerce, in-store technologies, emerging business models and new, digital-focused products is a must. The ability to come up with fresh story ideas and formats and provide input on Glossy events is also essential. Job Duties: Pitch and write timely and reported stories based on what’s happening in the world of fashion Stay up to date on the latest fashion news Attend off-site events Work quickly and efficiently under tight deadlines  Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Fellow Fashionistas! I had a fashion designer program when I was little. I used it a couple of times! I’ve always been about fashion. I made a step-and-repeat for our pre-prom gathering. It was the best! I’m really good at writing stuff. I’ve always kept a journal my whole life and I’m known as a fashion icon in my hood. People come to me for fashion tips. Some story ideas I had: You know that whole nipple-wreath trend? I could write about that and then do a tutorial video about turning my nipples into wreaths for YouTube! Also, I started blinging out my sneakers in high school and then everyone else started to. I could try a fashion thing and see if it becomes a trend in my hood and then write about it! I could also do a column called Fashion Weak—and call out people for bad fashion. Victoria’s Secret Dreams, Suzi I’ve always wanted to go on a safari! Walking Tour Guide – Safari Experiences San Diego Zoo – Escondido, CA $18.66 an hour JAMBO! It all began with a ROAR more than 100-years ago! Help us to make a difference for wildlife and begin your adventure with a career at the San Diego Zoo Safari Park. Join the dedicated crew who are passionate about what they do and strive to create unforgettable experiences for our guests. Share your knowledge, skills and commitment to provide GRRREAT customer service and be a part of the ROAR with San Diego Zoo Global! Put your Passion for Wildlife to Work Attire: The Society has a very conservative grooming policy. Tattoos may not be visible or must be appropriately covered while on duty. Jewelry may be worn if it does not detract from a well-groomed look or create a safety hazard. No facial or tongue piercing. Requirements Include: Roar & Snore Walking Tour Guides provide an educational and entertaining interpretive tour to Roar & Snore guests, help to facilitate aspects of the Roar & Snore program including games & crafts, and are an ambassador for the San Diego Zoo’s Safari Park, helping to share the organization’s mission and vision with our guests. The Roar & Snore Walking Tour Guide performs all job assignments with a positive attitude and pursues green/conservation practices when feasible. Position Qualifications Include: The successful candidate must be customer-service driven, detail-oriented, be organized, and be able to work with minimal supervision. Public speaking experience is required, as is the ability to walk backwards while speaking. The successful candidate must have excellent verbal and written communication skills and the ability to multi-task. Duties Include: Provide exceptional customer service during sleepover events for a wide variety of Safari Park audiences, from pre-school to adult. Provide an educational and entertaining interpretive walking tour to groups of 12-25 guest during camp events Facilitate camp games, activities, songs, crafts, etc… Comfortable using, or learning to use, squawk boxes and microphones  Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Wild Ones: Welcome to the jungle! I didn’tknow we had safaris here! I love adventure and I love giraffes! Can I pet one? I saw the thingie about your dress code. Is it okay to wear khaki and one of those safari hats? I feel khaki complements my skin tone. I could wear a khaki one-piece swimsuit and the hat!!! When it comes to crafts, I’m really good at making pot holders and angels. I have the kit! And when it comes to being green, I will gladly poop in the woods to save water. Nature to nature!  With the whole snore thing, I’m an expert. My pops has CPAP. But when it comes to walking backwards, I’m a little klutzy. But I will practice! I’m really good at planning grown up sleepovers. My best was the Disney Princess theme. We all looked glittery, and I made adult drinks like: Snow White Russians & Lion King Dons. And let me tell you about my mic skills! I could totally work your hawk box: My name is Suzi And we’re talkin’ ‘bout snoozies This ain’t a bore Lemme here ya roar! Chat soon, Suzi I love games! I’ve a good poker face like Lady Gaga! Part Time Clue Master OMEscape NeYork Responsibilities and Duties Greeting the customers Setting up the game for each new game session Answering customer questions Guiding the customer to finish the game and giving clues as necessary Taking photos of the customer Answering phone calls Replying emails Maintaining and cleaning the store Qualifications and Skills Being out going, courteous, and engaging with all of our participants Strong sense of responsibility Benefits Salary plus outstanding bonus Flexible work schedule Once you join us, you are our family Always listening to your voice  Suzi's Cover Letter:Hello, Fellow Clue Peeps! Can I tell you how much I loved the game of Clue when I was a kid? I was always Miss Scarlett, cuz, duh—she was the hottest babe there! Plus, I’m really good at giving clues, like: “What is 1 + 1?” And I’m really happy to see that you’re always listening to my voice. Because I want to one day be the voice of those hypnosis tapes. So, I need to make sure my voice is spot-on. Also, thank you for wanting to be my family. My moms and pops are cool, but my sister is a drag. She’s suck a selfish beyotch! She thinks the world revolves around her! So, it would be nice to feel included. Can't wait to give you a hug! Suzi It’d be like traveling to Greece, but working with grease! Hostess Opa! Authentic Greek Cuisine - Los Alto, CA Suzi's Cover Letter:Dear Greeksters: I saw the picture for Opal and I thought to myself: “That’s one of my favorite gems!” I’m friendly and outgoing, and I like gyros. I even know how to pronounce gyro. It’s “guy-row”. And, I love Saganaki. Cuz who doesn’t like cheese that’s on fire? And… I hear Greek guys are hung. So—score! Hope to be the face of your taste! Suzi |
AuthorI'm just your average girl who wants a kick-ass life and... love! If I could be a superhero, that would be AWESOME! I'm currently a "phone actress" looking for a really cool career. Don't get me wrong-- I love giving a hand to dudes who need someone to chat with. Everybody needs somebody! But, my parents keep telling me I need a respectable job. Sigh. Archives
August 2022
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