This isn’t the first time this year we’ve dealt with an e-coli outbreak involving romaine lettuce. This time, though, the CDC is in full “Outbreak” mode—get the hazmat suits on and don’t eat any romaine in any form from anywhere!
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I know exactly what’s up. Has anyone looked at iceberg? That would be my Suspect #1. Why? Because iceberg has gotten the foodie shaft over the years. That’s all I knew as “salad” growing up—iceberg. Then this fancy romaine started taking over. It’s sweeter, and greener and better for you. So, all these salad “blends” started happening and iceberg got relegated to just a taco topping. 

Now, hipsters are over shredded iceberg in tacos. Cuz they all fancy and stuff and need slaw and pickles and other shizz in their tacos. What’s iceberg to do? Take a rod to romaine’s kneecap and take its crown back. 
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You know I’m right!
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Not really.

You know how I find gems in my email. Well, this time… I may have found good fortune. Apparently, I have a friend named Mr. Alex Figo. He was kind enough to write me:

Hello Friend
How are you today? I hope you are doing Great.
My Name is Mr Alex Figo from Switzerland, I am writing you due to some
information I have to pass to you I will like you to reply me for details
information.
Thanks and Best Regard

I love the random capitalization from these scamming assclowns. I’m pretty sure I give zero f&cks about any “information” you may need to give me, provided I hand over my bank account.

Meanwhile, this email from another dear “friend” is at least a little more plausible:

Saudi Aramco Crude Oil Company.
P.O. Box 5000. Dhahran 31311,
Dhahran-Saudi Arabia.
Dear Friend,
I have a legit and genuine lucrative business deal to discuss with you.Can i trust you to be a sincere partner to handle the business? For more information reply back.
Mrs. Reem Nasser,
Sales/Marketing Manager
Saudi Aramco Crude Oil Company.

Using the word “legit” makes this totally so. And sincerity? It drips from every sarcastic cell in my body. Of course we can partner. Oh, love your name: “Reem Nasser”. I’m sure you mean “Ream you in the assh&le” because this is totally on the up-and-up. I’ll send you $5,000 for my $7 million. Great ROI!

What sucks is that some grandma probably fell for this. There is nothing worse than a dirty, scum-sucking thief. Instead of some fake fortune, my Christmas fantasy would be to gather all these toolbags, put them in a fenced-in area. And allow me to go Old Testament on them.
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Ah, yes. Dear Santa….

What subliminal imagery are you trying to hit me with, Windows? I look up, and I see this screen saver:
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Is it just me, or does this rock look like a set of butt cheeks with a hole in the left cheek?
 
Please. It can't just be me. Upon further investigation, this:
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WTH is this!?!? Looks like that other rock on the right is trying to eat these cheeks!

Perhaps screen savers should be named "screen sketchy". Or maybe, this could be a brilliant plan by Windows/Microsoft. We're spending so much time on our computers we might need to take a break... naked... preferably with a human companion.
 
Thanks for helping us procreate, Windows!
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We field a ton of emails on the daily because people want their stories told through Crack Wise. Can you blame 'em? We're having a lot of fun over here. So, when I saw this email, I had a good LOL.
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I'm thinking of our beloved Stow, OH-- a nice community to live in. Wouldn't it be cool if a PR company represented a city? Would that mean that some hype guys would show up at city events and shout out some "what whats" and "yeaaaaahs"? 

That would be the best. Be cool if Crack Wise had some hype guys and gals.... They could get the world pumped up with:

"The funformation movement is heeeeere!"

"Our Crack ain't whack!"

"Smart like an owl, you won't cry foul!"

"Forge Yeezy, he cheesy. Forget the lies and get Crack Wise!"

Yeah. we need to make this happen...
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I love email. Not the volume or the types, but the subject lines combined with my twisted mind. I’m either slightly crazy, or easily amused, or both. But this had me in stitches:
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I’m a reluctant attendee of Krampusfest—every 21 days.

I’m looking forward to the day when Krampusfest gets shut down. But then, I’ll be crowned the Queen of Bitchmorefest.

Lose-Lose.

*Krampus is a beast that punishes naughty children, while the good kids get the good stuff from St. Nick. I didn’t know Kris Jenner is Krampus…
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If you want to play Santa and buy me any of these toys, I won’t say “no”….

Some emails really catch my attention. Like this one:

Nobody wins when the nuts are well done… and "over", if you know what I mean.

And another thing, some sick twist has a step-by-step guide on nut roasting?
I envision some Domme making her slave stand “against his will” in front of a raging… fire, with his pine nuts dangerously close to the flames. And he's totally diggin' it.

Or… Comedian Mike Conley, after an evening with the Captain, standing in front of an oven—with the door open—to warm the "boys" up before whatever activity he has planned.

Sorry for the visuals.

I was thinking: “I need a new denim jacket”.

I think denim jackets are always fashionable. Of course, I’m not a model, nor really fashionable… so what do I know. But I might be validated because this hot chick is wearing a denim jacket.
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What. The. F&ck.

Sure, this gal is smokin’ hot. And I don’t think she has any problems getting guys to “say hi” to her. But I’m pretty certain she wouldn’t wear this in her real life. Nor would I. Not because I’m a prude, but because my 36-Cs are now 36-Longs.

Thanks, age and gravity—you miserable wench!

I really think the reason why I have flabs and sags is because I would be foolish enough to wear something like this if I had an awesome body. I’d wear this shizz to Giant Eagle. First, it would make people stop in their tracks so I could maneuver through the aisles much quicker. Second, I’m showing everyone there is no way I could ever be a shoplifter—nowhere to hide the shrimp and steaks!

Plus, you know this denim jacket probably costs at least $250—and it’s missing half the material!

Fortunately—you’ll never see me, in public, in this outfit. Of course, I could wear this in my current physical state and fit right in-- at Walmart.
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Decisions, decisions. 
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I’ve got a lot of pet peeves. I’m sure you do, too. One of them, for me, is bad parking. Check out these two photos:
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To the dbag on the left: Park further away if you don’t want your precious mauve sh*tmobile to get scratched. Back in my college days, this would’ve earned your car getting slawed.

Aside: Way, way, way back-in-the-day when I was a student, parking was a premium. You know the trick—over sell permits. Well, one evening a bunch of us came back from KFC. We had some leftovers. We spotted some big-ass Impala parked sideways, taking up two precious spaces. The ultimate betrayal. So, we went Old Testament on the car and used our leftover coleslaw and packets of butter to decorate said vehicle. Grrr…

Now, back to this post.

To the dbag on the right: Wait. That dbag is ME! I raise my hand and apologize to the rest of the driving world because I park like an idiot. Ever since I’ve become an SUV owner, I can’t park! And I’ve had my SUV for four years.

I’m my own self-fulfilling pet peeve. Yay, me. Is there some kind of trophy for this?
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