​I saw this on Pinterest, and I started giggling. We know that my mind works in weirdo ways. So when I saw this, I wondered if these delicious things refused to be eaten because they’re French. And we all know how pretentious the French are.

(in bad French accent) “You are a filthy American. You do not deserve the privilege of experiencing the delectableness of French anything, let alone these French goat cheese triangles. Don’t even look at them. You are not worthy.”

And then the Frenchie goat cheese triangles storm away smelling of perfume and armpit sweat.
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There are so many wonderful treats to over-indulge in during the holidays. But there are some craptastic candies that need to disappear.

Thanks to CandyStore, we can vent together over these… things… that grandma tries to shove down our throats—Every. Damn. Year.

The Top 3 Offenders:
3. Peeps
2. Reindeer Corn
1. Christmas Tree Nougat

Yes! Glad I’m not the only one that thinks our old relatives were trying to kill us kids with these. They took forever to chew!

And then… when you managed to choke these down… as it passed through your system… not so pleasant.

There are other offensive candies. READ ON for more. You'll be screaming out loud in agreement!
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I like to cyber slack with the help of Pinterest. I’ve found awesome recipes, cool home décor ideas; I’ve re-lived my childhood with random items posted from way-back-then, and I’ve LOLed at comments on Pinterest.

It never ceases to amaze me how no social media outlet is immune to scammers, or someone randomly leaving a comment that has nothing to do with the original post.

This one had me in tears:
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If that Spicy Thai Basil Chicken recipe is going to warp my head like that, then I’ll have to pass. I like heat, but not that much!

I did just come up with an awesome idea. Perhaps Crack Wise can randomly comment on posts…. Hmmmm.

Since I’m half Asian, I could easily fill this role? 

Hi

Our company Chong Yip Finance Ltd  reviewed you profile on LinkedIn your experience makes you a great fit for us as Account Receivable agent in your region.Part time job with a salary of $4,900 monthly and 5% commission.Let me know if interested for more details
 
Best Regards
Han Rong
 
Thanks for the email, Mr. Rong-- and making it so personal with the generic "Hi".

Since I have an entrepreneurial spirit, I’m always considering business options—how did you know? Plus, who can beat such a sweet deal? (insert eye roll)

I Googled Chong Yip Finance Ltd (sounds like a bunch of Chihuahuas to me). Guess what? SCAAAAAAM!

Not shocking.

It’s a fake company trying to convince its “agents” to fork over money to gain money.

Shame on you for trying to appropriate Star Wars by using the name “Han”. 
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I was curious. How does one paint a scenario in which the other party is not suspicious and ends up droppin’ a deuce in his beloved’s pie (poop) hole?
Well, there was no covert action going on. Butt…

I’m an open-minded person. But I can assure you that there is nothing titillating about poo to me. I even hate having to poo. It’s a waste of time. (ha!)

If you’re curious… read on at College Humor. 
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Maybe it isn’t a stereotype after all. Maybe the Chinese are linked to laundromats because they know stuff we don’t. Check out this tag:
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We understand wash in warm water; do not wring; do not iron.

But WTH is “DO NOT RLTACH”?

Upon further research (the internet, in a post from seven years ago), apparently RLTACH means DO NOT BLEACH.

I’m not buying it. The excuse for the jacked spelling, is that perhaps the letters had faded on the tag.

Nope.

So what’s the truth?

DO NOT RALPH? I don’t intend on vomiting when I wear the item.
DO NOT RATCH? Like, urban term for don’t be wretched?

Only the Chinese know…
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I don’t proclaim to use perfect grammar and sentence structure on the daily. You’ve read Crack Wise, right? LOL 

But there are some pet peeves that just…. GAH… make me cringe. And I must vent.

Take this, for example:
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Do you know how many times I see something like this posted? There is no such thing as FIRST ANNUAL!!! If something is a “first” then it did not exist previously, therefore, annual is out until next year! You can host an “Inaugural” event. The second occurrence of said event then becomes “annual.”

Then this…
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For the love of sweet baby Jesus. There is no word “prolly.” Technically, it is a word. But it’s an abbreviation/bastardization of “probably.” Was this word born into existence because of some drunk mofo? (And yes, I know I didn't text in a complete sentence.)

And since it was discovered that Auto Correct turned “probably” into “prolly”, I should write the dbags at Apple and ask them to correct their auto correct, because with each update it’s gotten worse-er.

There’s that scientific thing that your eyes will see one thing, but your brain will see what it wants to and that’s what you believe. Look, I’m not going to look up the exact term. You know what I mean! LOL
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This is why I love stuff like this:

I think it’s safe to say we all read that as “big dick”. Perhaps size does matter- -and the bigger the better?

What struck me, though, was the tag line which reads “inspired”. (My suspect photo taking skills cut off the letters “In”.)

What exactly are we supposed to be inspired to do? Buy the shirt as a conversation starter? Are guys supposed to go to the doctor and get a bigger ween? Are women supposed to desire a man with a large unit or go buy a battery-operated one?

Inspired? Dudes that truly have bountiful fruit bowls don’t need to say it. They can’t hide it. Literally. Can’t. Hide. It.

Nice try, eBay marketing.
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