Rant 1:
Why do we feel the need to change up our lingo? Some phrases and words are perfectly fine the way they are.

The newest phrase that absolutely makes me want to hurl is:

“scratch-made”

It sounds absolutely awful. What’s so wrong with the time-tested standard “made-from-scratch”? Oooh. You clever wordsmiths saved ONE entire word!

"Made-from-scratch" is completely truthful and accurate. "Scratch-made" sounds like some fat hairy guy with a grease-stained apron scratched his under-used balls first, then stuck his bare hands into the dough he was kneading. Thus- scratch made!
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Rant 2:
While we’re on the topic of word bastardizing, how about “pre-owned”? A used car (or whatever item) is a used car and we all know it’s an effin’ used car! "Pre-owned" doesn’t even make sense. By pure definition, this would mean “before owned”, which means NEW! Of course, we very well know these shifty car salesmen shortened the word “previously” to make "pre-owned" sound fancy. Also, wrong to shorten “previously.” Stop trying to polish a turd!
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It’s a battle royale between fitness expert Jillian Michaels and everybody else over the safety of undertaking the Keto diet.

For those of you unfamiliar, Keto-ers feed on high-protein diets without carbs. Many swear by it. Others, including some health professionals, say entirely eliminating a food group is bad news in the long run.

I say: try the Kato diet. Like, Kato Kaelin.

This dude is still suckin’ off the teet of his 15 minutes—which should’ve ended in the 90s. Apparently, his “diet” is working. He’s had radio shows; appeared in TV shows and in parodies; and is now on the latest season of “Celebrity Big Brother”.

He’s infamous for regaling his story of sharing McDonald’s with O.J. Simpson the night of the murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman.

Therefore if you want a long, prosperous career—eat McDonald’s. Eat it for all three meals—and share with everyone how successful you’ve been on the Kato diet. Hardly exercise; barely work—bingo!

Where’s my McGriddle and hash browns followed by my Big Mac and fries? 

​This has to be the best scam email I’ve received. It’s different and catchy. Still bullshit, but hey— you get an “A” for “Asshat”.
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We are writhing to know if it's true that you are DEAD? Because we received a notification from one MR. GERSHON SHAPIRO of USA stating that you are DEAD and that you have giving him the right to claim your funds. He stated you died on a CAR accident.He has been calling us regarding this issue, but we cannot proceed with him until we confirm this by not hearing from you after 7days. Be advised that we have made all arrangements for you to receive and confirm your funds without anymore stress, and without any further delays.

All we need to confirm now is your been DEAD Or still Alive. Because this MAN'S message brought shock to our minds. And we just can't proceed with
him until we confirm if this is a reality OR not But if it happened we did not hear from you after 7days, then we say: MAY YOUR SOUL REST IN PERFECT
PEACE" YOUR JOY AND SUCCESS REMAINS OUR GOAL. May the peace of the Lord be with you wherever you may be now.


Your Faitfully,

Mr Ibrahim Magu
Efcc Chairman​

​First of all, if I’m dead—how would I write back? Or in this case “writhe” back. You’re “writhing” me? Gag. Anywho, are you assuming I’d be a ghost? If I am indeed dead, I have zero f*cks to give about checking email. I’m dead!!!

Secondly, do you mean the Gershon Shapiro of the USA? He apparently is the expert on dead people and there is only one of him. Sounds like he’s some nobleman.

If I can choose my manner of death, it surely would not be ON a car accident. It wouldn’t involve cars at all. It would involve me naked with my husband in the throes of passion. And I’d be reallllllly old. Like, can’t-identify-my-body-parts old.

I am touched that you’re so concerned about my well-being and my soul. I’m sure if I respond to this email and give you all my pertinent information, I will live my best life ever.

I recently battled a massive sinus infection. I rarely get sick, but when I do—damn! I hadn't been sick like this in about 12 years.

I even lost my appetite—which NEVER happens. Once it started re-appearing, I was craving foods from childhood. One of those cravings was Pizza Hut.

I remember enjoying Original Pan Pizzas with my mom and dad—sausage, pepperoni and double cheese. Then, it was the best.

Now, not so much.

These days when the pizza cravings hit, we always hit the local neighborhood place. Fresh, hot, delicious.

But Little Girl Kathy wanted Pizza Slut. So. Bad. So much so that I actually completed their satisfaction survey.
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​I’m sure I’m in a special database somewhere as a result.

When you first develop a website, you get all kinds of excited. You’re putting yourself, your business out there; you have hopes and dreams of success.

So when someone reaches out to you via your Contact Form—it’s exciting.

When I first started Haus of V, I received legit contact through my form. But now, ha ha ha ha ha ha!
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What I really enjoy are the cleverish names like “Wrime” and “Knole” (or “Assknole” as I imagined his name). I did laugh heartily at “RichardNip”, because worked with someone named Rich, and I nicknamed him “Nips”.

The contact email addresses are interesting as well. And I can’t wait (not) to learn more about their “goodoffer”, which is apparently better than a “good offer”—two words.
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Do people really fall for this stuff?

This. In my Inbox. How funny. In… Box…
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So... the email was a from a PR firm inquiring about booking a doctor to talk about fertility, prenatal vitamins, ovulation... But all I could think about is what I know about conceiving:
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This is how it could happen... That's the basics, right? LOL

P.S. And since my maturity level is that of a 12-year-old boy, I laughed a lot at the sender's last name. "Karp". This email was destiny in so many ways...
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I honestly didn’t even read the People Magazine story. I didn't make it past the pictures. All I needed to see were these two sisters in ho their glory.

Kendall Jenner & Kourtney Kardashian
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Both apparently ski (?), and are never too far away from their bikinis… or an iPhone. Why must we risk frostbite in the most delicate of areas or hypothermia?

I think we need to change that famous phrase to: “Colder than Kendall’s tit”. And this pic here of Kourtney? Is some hazmat action happening that’s causing the snow to melt? It shouldn’t glow in the dark, girl.
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I’m just gonna leave this here:

What is the secret message? Coca Cola leads you to the bong life? Should one partake in a Coca Cola bong?
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#unfortunateclosedcaptiontiming
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Another day, another email subject line that catches my attention. This time, it’s the last name:

You ain't touching my bra unless you want to draw back a nub. LOL

I’m sure this man’s last name is pronounced “bray-bender” (?) Or perhaps it’s not. I’m hoping it “brah-bender” because that’s epic. I’m imaging this guy all young and good-looking and scoring with all the chicks at the frat party because he has some corny pickup line associated with his last name.

But then methinks he’s always been a snaggly-toothed overly-haired dude cursed with a name and no game.

P.S. And what is he spreading?