Wish never fails to entertain me. I haven’t bought anything from them in a while, cuz I really don’t want to possibly invite the COVID into my home via packages from China. I know that seems ridiculous, but I’ll eventually cave and start making purchases again.

This item won’t make it into my cart, though... 
​

​It’s not that I’m closed-minded. This just looks like some brokedown wannabe superhero that’s missed the mark. You know, like some grown 20-something hit his head too much and thought he was a superhero. His superhero name would be “Super Dick” (Richard J. Peters by day)—with his mouth where the hole is.

Meanwhile, I’m going to have to tell my husband to make up the spare room because apparently we can buy Matt Damon for $22. 
​

​I thought he’d at least go for $75. He’s selling himself at Ben Affleck prices. Sigh. Know your worth…

​I‘m always looking for interesting projects to potentially work on. But this? I’m not mature enough to even audition:
​

​I. Can’t.

I have more questions than I dare ask. I wonder if she abused her nub and that’s why it took a hike. That’s the running joke I have with some man-ho friends: “Don't be surprised if you wake up and your d&ck is lying next to you, angry for all the abuse you’ve put it through”…

And now, I might start snickering if I meet any gals named “Christine”. I’ll want to ask if they found their long-lost friend.

P.S. Could you imagine the Lost & Found poster for this? 

While flipping through a catalog (yes, they still send this ancient thing via a method called “the mail”), I LOL’d at this picture:
​

​​I love this top and the color, but the expression on the model’s face leaves me wondering all kinds of things…

Were you surprised someone was photographing you at this photo shoot? I understand that “natural” expressions are sometimes included because you just can’t be sexy-face all the time.

Did you walk into someone’s fart?

Or did you realize wearing white pants were mistake because your own fart may actually be a shart? (One of a billion reasons why I don’t wear white pants.)

What fascinates me is that this was the best shot in the bunch because it made it into the catalog. So what did the other shots look like?

​Who knew you could buy a man for $15 on Wish?
​
This app has provided hours of entertainment. Hope you find joy in the silliest of things…

Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night… nor a global pandemic will stop a scammer.

Sigh.

Check out this “serious” email:

Staying safe is the best way to survive this pandemic, how are you
doing, I am yet to hear from you concerning my proposal, did you get
my last email?

Regards,
Anzhelika Makotina
Senior Sales Executive
Kirishi Oil Refinery, Russia
[email protected]
 
Uhhmmmm… No. Did not get any proposal, nor do I want one. Two, ignoring your email is the best way to stay scam-safe. And three, f&ck your faux concern for my well-being in this pandemic.

How about you accept my proposal: Eat a bag of sweaty d&cks, and die…

Must be the quarantine wine talking…
​

More marketing folks need to think like I do—inappropriately. Smart-ass-y. See this here ad from Flamingo?​

I don’t need an ingrown hair—even if it’s free. I have a few of my own that are already free.

See what I mean…

Perhaps they should’ve chosen another word besides ‘free’ that would’ve gotten the point across—even though the choice is perfectly fine… accept when it comes to Crack Wise Nation. Because we see things differently.

Have fun freeing hairs while in quarantine…

P.S. Could you imagine someone giving out free ingrown hairs? And someone actually wanting them?

I’m a shoe fan. Not as big as I used to be. I discovered this sad moment when I uttered the phrase (to myself): “How many pairs of shoes do I need?”

The world paused for a moment.

But I still love shoes. And with my savvy shopping using my DSW Visa card, I get most pairs free.

*Cue happy dance…

Imagine my excitement when I learned that my girl-crush JLo designed a collection for DSW! In reality, I will never wear a pair of her shoes. One, because they’re too damned uncomfortable looking, and two—I’m cheap.

When I saw a pic from her DSW photo shoot, I was confused:
​

What exactly is she selling here?

Will wearing a pair of her shoes make my legs splay out like that?

Does she wax or shave?

I think she needs to design Coocis, you know, like Gucci, but more crotch forward. Perhaps Coochie Crocs.

Because seriously, who’s looking at the shoes!?!?!!?

​There are days where I'd rather have a plate of Spam than deal with spam email. Though spam email has provided some fodder for this blog on more than one occasion. Props for being a tad bit more savvy, scammers, but I see you!

You might catch someone off guard with this. You're using the company name properly with the little "e" and capital "H". but... The weirdo fonts is a dead giveaway, and the "eHarmonyPartner" one-word thing. 

#FAIL

This pic almost looks legit-- complete with "company" address and the "click to unsubscribe" link. Which I'm sure is some kind of virus. Oh, and I'm not single... so..

#FAIL
​
Then there's this:

Uhmmm. Am I supposed to hit "reply"? So glad you have a "genuine" investment op-- unlike the disingenuous ones/ Whew!

​#FAIL

And then there's this one: 
​

I'm puzzled. Because I'm not a member. And I've never served in the military.  So, I'm not going to validate you or me now,. And... what's with the blank picture. At least the eHarmony scam had a legit-ish pic.

#FAIL

​So I see this email in my inbox:

​I almost spit out my tea. Is the Universe testing my maturity level? Because I will fail every time. When I read “The Most-Romantic Steak Dinner”, I out loud replied:

“Tube Steak”

It is Valentine’s Day, and I’m figuring a lot of tube steak dinners are going to be served hot and ready for… consumption. No?