the crack files:
etc.
Inside the mind of Crack Wise Editor-in-Chief Kathy Vogel
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I’m a shoe fan. Not as big as I used to be. I discovered this sad moment when I uttered the phrase (to myself): “How many pairs of shoes do I need?” The world paused for a moment. But I still love shoes. And with my savvy shopping using my DSW Visa card, I get most pairs free. *Cue happy dance… Imagine my excitement when I learned that my girl-crush JLo designed a collection for DSW! In reality, I will never wear a pair of her shoes. One, because they’re too damned uncomfortable looking, and two—I’m cheap. When I saw a pic from her DSW photo shoot, I was confused:  What exactly is she selling here? Will wearing a pair of her shoes make my legs splay out like that? Does she wax or shave? I think she needs to design Coocis, you know, like Gucci, but more crotch forward. Perhaps Coochie Crocs. Because seriously, who’s looking at the shoes!?!?!!? As a female in possession of a jay jay, I’m amazed at all the ads and story pitches I receive about… stank. It’s one of those head-scratchers for me. Because if there were ever an issue with private areas or fungus on the feet or whatever, I was raised to go get it handled. I understand thoughts on this topic have historically been antiquated…  But I know if I have an issue I can figure things out. I also am educated on knowing what is a realistic “smell” and what isn’t. I don’t think any woman today thinks hers should really smell like a rose. Or chocolate cake. Or whatever. Or believes Lysol should be used like a perfume. In an age of information we seem to be oddly incapable of using our brains. Which is probably the point… I made the mistake of clicking on a “racy” item on Wish. Check that. It was no mistake. Some of these items are hilarious, and the descriptions are the best—so many times lost in translation due to the English/Chinese thing. But… I’m gonna have to say it’s a hard no (so to speak) on this item:  I mean, I think it’s great there’s lingerie for men. But this isn’t really sexy. And this. I have no words:  What are the arrows supposed to indicate!?!? Ventilation? Is there some kind of fragrance or cologne that emanates from the crotchal region? Or is this for dudes that have stank crotch? I bet some idiot’s gonna wear this as a Coronavirus mask… I see you, Amazon. You know I can't quit you. And frankly, I don't want to. You've provided me with convenient bargains for years. My inner lazy luves you. And you know me. You really do. Like when you flashed me the ad for this on Facebook:  You knew I'd peep it. And my thought is: "F&ck the children." Don't get me wrong. I love kids. They're precious. They're the future. But they shouldn't get to have all the damned fun. So, I want this pizza slice lounging-chair thing. I'm making it #lifegoals. Why? Because I'm grown. And have money. And have no kids. So my inner kid and barren womb need nurtured. Yes, I'm going to fall off of this because I'm too damned big. Mind your business, and get off my lawn! |
AuthorEditor-in-chief Kathy Vogel shares what's on her mind... through her fingers. Archives
June 2020
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