the crack files:
etc.
Inside the mind of Crack Wise Editor-in-Chief Kathy Vogel
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I like when Pinterest gives me suggestions, because I might discover something else to obsess over (scones, mug cakes, toys from childhood, etc…). But I know for a fact I’m not into this:  Horrible description. Why in the name of all things good would I want to make a piñata filled with the COVID? Exactly. “In eight easy steps.” I can think of three:
Anywho, this would be a great Dr. Evil-type weapon… “Hey, everybody! Let’s bust open this piñata! Who knows what treats are inside!?!?” “Release the COVID.” (While stroking Mr. Bigglesworth...) I’m a shoe fan. Not as big as I used to be. I discovered this sad moment when I uttered the phrase (to myself): “How many pairs of shoes do I need?” The world paused for a moment. But I still love shoes. And with my savvy shopping using my DSW Visa card, I get most pairs free. *Cue happy dance… Imagine my excitement when I learned that my girl-crush JLo designed a collection for DSW! In reality, I will never wear a pair of her shoes. One, because they’re too damned uncomfortable looking, and two—I’m cheap. When I saw a pic from her DSW photo shoot, I was confused:  What exactly is she selling here? Will wearing a pair of her shoes make my legs splay out like that? Does she wax or shave? I think she needs to design Coocis, you know, like Gucci, but more crotch forward. Perhaps Coochie Crocs. Because seriously, who’s looking at the shoes!?!?!!? So I see this email in my inbox:  I almost spit out my tea. Is the Universe testing my maturity level? Because I will fail every time. When I read “The Most-Romantic Steak Dinner”, I out loud replied: “Tube Steak” It is Valentine’s Day, and I’m figuring a lot of tube steak dinners are going to be served hot and ready for… consumption. No? This I know… But I’m feeling like this Jesus is a little scammy… Hello! Happy New Year! I hope the start of the year is already off to a great start for you and your company! I just wanted to touch base with you and see if you needed any additional capital to get your company started on the right foot this new year? We currently have your company conditionally approved for a line of credit just over $220,000. Please give me a call at (949) 484-7735, 7AM-4PM PST, or simply reply to this email to get started on your LOC options. Please feel free to also learn more about your line of credit offer and options by clicking here. I look forward to working with you and your company!Thanks! Wow! That's so awesome that you're gonna give me money for Crack Wise. And all without my SSN. Oh, wait. You probs want me to call to give you my SSN and then... what? And that interesting loan amount: $220,000. Not a simple, easy-peasy quarter of a mil. But *this* amount. I don't know what Jesus would do, but I know what I would do in this instance. Say: "Girl, Bye!" P.S. The overuse of your exclamation points just make you seem extra desperate! Like you really want to not really help! Can't wait to never speak to you! Pinterest strikes again with its randomness. This is one reason why I love social media—it brings out the… how should put this? It brings out the eccentric folk. That’s being nice… Since I’m a foodie and will save a gajillion recipes that I will never be alive long enough to make, I found a recipe for Taco Tater Tots Two Ways for the slow cooker. Who doesn’t love tots? The name alone is cute, and—fried potatoes.  But as with any social media platform, the comments are golden—or bizarre. I noticed there was a comment with this “pin”. So I clicked on it.  No comment made. Just a picture of these two. Are these the taco tater tots in two ways? Did these two like the recipe and that’s why they’re smiling. Or are their nicknames for each other Tater and Tot? Or perhaps, they are one of many who don’t know how to “social media”. Which is okay. Because it’s gold for the rest of us… Like what you read here? Click on the HOME page and subscribe today to unlock premium, members-only content—some of which you won’t find any place else on the internet! Start with your FREE 10-day trial. |
AuthorEditor-in-chief Kathy Vogel shares what's on her mind... through her fingers. Archives
June 2020
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