​I‘m always looking for interesting projects to potentially work on. But this? I’m not mature enough to even audition:
​

​I. Can’t.

I have more questions than I dare ask. I wonder if she abused her nub and that’s why it took a hike. That’s the running joke I have with some man-ho friends: “Don't be surprised if you wake up and your d&ck is lying next to you, angry for all the abuse you’ve put it through”…

And now, I might start snickering if I meet any gals named “Christine”. I’ll want to ask if they found their long-lost friend.

P.S. Could you imagine the Lost & Found poster for this? 

While flipping through a catalog (yes, they still send this ancient thing via a method called “the mail”), I LOL’d at this picture:
​

​​I love this top and the color, but the expression on the model’s face leaves me wondering all kinds of things…

Were you surprised someone was photographing you at this photo shoot? I understand that “natural” expressions are sometimes included because you just can’t be sexy-face all the time.

Did you walk into someone’s fart?

Or did you realize wearing white pants were mistake because your own fart may actually be a shart? (One of a billion reasons why I don’t wear white pants.)

What fascinates me is that this was the best shot in the bunch because it made it into the catalog. So what did the other shots look like?

​Who knew you could buy a man for $15 on Wish?
​
This app has provided hours of entertainment. Hope you find joy in the silliest of things…

Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night… nor a global pandemic will stop a scammer.

Sigh.

Check out this “serious” email:

Staying safe is the best way to survive this pandemic, how are you
doing, I am yet to hear from you concerning my proposal, did you get
my last email?

Regards,
Anzhelika Makotina
Senior Sales Executive
Kirishi Oil Refinery, Russia
zhemako01@gmail.com
 
Uhhmmmm… No. Did not get any proposal, nor do I want one. Two, ignoring your email is the best way to stay scam-safe. And three, f&ck your faux concern for my well-being in this pandemic.

How about you accept my proposal: Eat a bag of sweaty d&cks, and die…

Must be the quarantine wine talking…
​

The hubs and I have a New Year’s Eve tradition where we go out to dinner at a place called The Twisted Olive. We like the atmosphere and food. We went there on 12/31/19. In the beginning of April, and again just a few days ago—I received this email:

​​Guess with the lockdown in effect you’re able to get to that busy work—of nearly four months later—of wondering how last year’s dinner was.

Mind you, I’m not raging on Ms. Simons. I just found it odd that this would even go out so long after my dining, considering I usually get these kinds of emails almost immediately. And... I can't remember what I had for lunch yesterday, so...

By the way, Christina, the food and service were excellent as always. But, we’re not too pleased with all the events that have transpired so far in 2020. Can you create a cocktail-food-combo that will make it go away, like the Twisted Tittie, or something?
​
Get back to me in four months…

P.S. I miss dining out... in a restaurant... with other people...

More marketing folks need to think like I do—inappropriately. Smart-ass-y. See this here ad from Flamingo?​

I don’t need an ingrown hair—even if it’s free. I have a few of my own that are already free.

See what I mean…

Perhaps they should’ve chosen another word besides ‘free’ that would’ve gotten the point across—even though the choice is perfectly fine… accept when it comes to Crack Wise Nation. Because we see things differently.

Have fun freeing hairs while in quarantine…

P.S. Could you imagine someone giving out free ingrown hairs? And someone actually wanting them?

I’m a shoe fan. Not as big as I used to be. I discovered this sad moment when I uttered the phrase (to myself): “How many pairs of shoes do I need?”

The world paused for a moment.

But I still love shoes. And with my savvy shopping using my DSW Visa card, I get most pairs free.

*Cue happy dance…

Imagine my excitement when I learned that my girl-crush JLo designed a collection for DSW! In reality, I will never wear a pair of her shoes. One, because they’re too damned uncomfortable looking, and two—I’m cheap.

When I saw a pic from her DSW photo shoot, I was confused:
​

What exactly is she selling here?

Will wearing a pair of her shoes make my legs splay out like that?

Does she wax or shave?

I think she needs to design Coocis, you know, like Gucci, but more crotch forward. Perhaps Coochie Crocs.

Because seriously, who’s looking at the shoes!?!?!!?

As a female in possession of a jay jay, I’m amazed at all the ads and story pitches I receive about… stank. It’s one of those head-scratchers for me. Because if there were ever an issue with private areas or fungus on the feet or whatever, I was raised to go get it handled.

I understand thoughts on this topic have historically been antiquated…​
​

But I know if I have an issue I can figure things out. I also am educated on knowing what is a realistic “smell” and what isn’t. I don’t think any woman today thinks hers should really smell like a rose. Or chocolate cake. Or whatever. Or believes Lysol should be used like a perfume.

In an age of information we seem to be oddly incapable of using our brains. Which is probably the point…

I made the mistake of clicking on a “racy” item on Wish. Check that. It was no mistake. Some of these items are hilarious, and the descriptions are the best—so many times lost in translation due to the English/Chinese thing.

But… I’m gonna have to say it’s a hard no (so to speak) on this item:​

I mean, I think it’s great there’s lingerie for men. But this isn’t really sexy.

And this. I have no words:

What are the arrows supposed to indicate!?!? Ventilation? Is there some kind of fragrance or cologne that emanates from the crotchal region? Or is this for dudes that have stank crotch?

I bet some idiot’s gonna wear this as a Coronavirus mask…

​There are days where I'd rather have a plate of Spam than deal with spam email. Though spam email has provided some fodder for this blog on more than one occasion. Props for being a tad bit more savvy, scammers, but I see you!

You might catch someone off guard with this. You're using the company name properly with the little "e" and capital "H". but... The weirdo fonts is a dead giveaway, and the "eHarmonyPartner" one-word thing. 

#FAIL

This pic almost looks legit-- complete with "company" address and the "click to unsubscribe" link. Which I'm sure is some kind of virus. Oh, and I'm not single... so..

#FAIL
​
Then there's this:

Uhmmm. Am I supposed to hit "reply"? So glad you have a "genuine" investment op-- unlike the disingenuous ones/ Whew!

​#FAIL

And then there's this one: 
​

I'm puzzled. Because I'm not a member. And I've never served in the military.  So, I'm not going to validate you or me now,. And... what's with the blank picture. At least the eHarmony scam had a legit-ish pic.

#FAIL