the crack files:
etc.
Inside the mind of Crack Wise Editor-in-Chief Kathy Vogel
Explore always-relevant tidbits of funformation in our archives...
 I must live under a rock. Because I have no idea who Dickie Goodman was. Apparently, he was the king of novelty, best known for the “break-in” technique of using clips of popular songs or whatever to answer comedic questions. He’s best known for scoring a Top 5 hit in 1975 with “Mr. Jaws”—a parody of the movie. His son, Jon, is carrying on the tradition with “Greatest Trump.” I think it’s a President Trump parody, but I’m not really sure. Because it’s not really funny. To me, the audio is no better than an elementary school kid editing stuff together. So if this is a “tradition” he’s upholding… then either the original was lame or he’s lame… I hate people telling you what to do through their “preachy” articles. For example: “What a woman over 30 shouldn’t wear”; “What men over 35 shouldn’t have in their home”: etc… Why? Because I’m grown and I will live my own damn life the way I want to. Also, the twits that wrote these articles are probably younger than me. So basically, eff off. I saw this little article on the Facebook: “45 Things No Woman Over 40 Ever Needs in Her Home.” Oh, really? Bring. It. I flipped through the slideshow. Then came across this tip about expired spices. Notice the accompanying pic?  I believe these fools (not Getty Images) thought it read: “Dinner”, but bitch— “dinner” has two ns. This is Dye-nur. D-I-N-E-R as in “place to eat.” #Fail Tell me what I need to do in my life again? HA! Pinterest strikes again with its randomness. This is one reason why I love social media—it brings out the… how should put this? It brings out the eccentric folk. That’s being nice… Since I’m a foodie and will save a gajillion recipes that I will never be alive long enough to make, I found a recipe for Taco Tater Tots Two Ways for the slow cooker. Who doesn’t love tots? The name alone is cute, and—fried potatoes.  But as with any social media platform, the comments are golden—or bizarre. I noticed there was a comment with this “pin”. So I clicked on it.  No comment made. Just a picture of these two. Are these the taco tater tots in two ways? Did these two like the recipe and that’s why they’re smiling. Or are their nicknames for each other Tater and Tot? Or perhaps, they are one of many who don’t know how to “social media”. Which is okay. Because it’s gold for the rest of us… Like what you read here? Click on the HOME page and subscribe today to unlock premium, members-only content—some of which you won’t find any place else on the internet! Start with your FREE 10-day trial. I've been in a "letter writing" mood... There’s a teenie, tiny, part of me that wants to get a brand new laptop and new email address just to eff with scammers that send me junk email. Like this tw&t waffle: Hello Dear, I am writing to you based on your last name which is the same as my late client. I am happy to meet you after a very long search that yielded nothing. A client of mine with the same last name with you died in Malaysia Airlines flight MH17, en route from Amsterdam to Kuala Lumpur, was traveling over conflict-hit Ukraine on 17 July 2014 when it disappeared from radar and as his lawyer, his bank here wants me to provide any of his family members or relative. Please confirm that you know this man as I have a confidential matter to discuss with you based on his deposit here before he died. Even if you do not know or related to him, we can still work out things here since both of you are sharing the same last name. I will be happy to hear from you via my private email address for more details. Thanks, Bar. Brian Polster [email protected] My response: Hello, Sugar Bear… I can’t believe there is another human being with the last name Stiffdickey! I’m so saddened to hear that another Stiffdickey ran out of steam. I’m assuming it’s my great-grandfather on my mother’s side 69th removed. Thank you for your dedication in taking five long years to find me. I am, indeed, related to Peter Stiffdickey The Third. He has a birthmark that looks like a quarter moon on his right buttocks. Gramps used to flash the gals all the time! I’m not surprised that Petey had some cash. He ran his own cathouse. He said with a name like “Peter Stiffdickey,” it was destiny. I hope you haven’t touched any other Stiffdickeys. You don’t know what you’re getting into. Chat with you never, Aida Stiffdickey The Kardashian/Jenner clan should be on their knees (familiar position) thanking sister Kim and momma/momager Kris for their contribution to the world and letting us know who these beyotchs be. Momma K is *this close* to negotiating a $300 million pay day for appearing on Keeping Up With The Kardashians. I think they should write sis and mom a letter. Dear Kim & Mommy, Kimmie—thank you so much for letting Ray J bang you “secretly” on video. Your vageen is, indeed, golden, and has brought us such good fortune and infamy. Had it not been for Ray J’s trip to Magical Vagina Land, we would’ve ended up working at 7-11. We’re not meant to work an honest day in our lives. Mommy—thank you so much for being a sleazy opportunist. Most moms would be mortified that their little girl was caught on video playing the skin flute, but not you! You saw dollar signs and brokered a deal of a lifetime. Now, we’re household names! And some of us are billionaires for doing absolutely nothing! P.S. Tell our stepdad, Satan, we’re grateful to him, too. Hugs, Kourtney, Khloe, Kylie and Kendall Everybody’s an expert on social media. The keyboard makes warriors out of wimps. Because these fools would never have the balls to say the crap they say, knowing in person it would get their asses rightfully beaten. I spied this recipe on Pinterest. Looks yum.  I always read the comments to see how the finished product is in reality, and if there are any tips. Apparently, somebody called the Chicken Pot Pie Police—because this recipe violates the Chicken Pot Pie Rules.  Here's a thought, bitch... don't make the recipe after you've read the ingredients! Or, adjust it for your tastes! Thank goodness for a voice of reason.  Mic drop. People need to go back inside their bubbles where they can create and control their own perfect little worlds. Then we don’t have to deal with them. Win-win. There are times I wonder if people are just clueless, or are they intentionally acting like an ass? Case in point, this post on Amazon. I appreciate the opportunity to ask a question and have it answered by people with real experience with whatever product.  Good question. (FYI the product is a pizza oven in the shape of a pizza box. It’s so cute and clever.) And many people provided answers they thought would be helpful. Except for this toolbag.  WTH? Why waste the energy to comment when you have nothing relevant to comment? And it’s not even a funny comment? It’s just… why!?!? So much assholery. So illegal to beat people… I’m starting to think that email is as much of a scourge on society as social media. It can get your hopes up, only to dash those hopes to the ground in a million pieces. In one instance, I’m to blame, because I misread this email:  I actually thought the Fountain of Youth had been discovered. I was all set for a road trip until I realized I read it wrong. There’s some band named Youth Fountain that I could give zero effs about. Find me that damned Fountain of Youth. Time’s a ticking away! Don't email me back until you do! Then, I got this email:  Well, thanks for depressing me. Thanks for the reminder that my life plan hasn’t worked out. LOL I’m sure the book you’re pimpin’ will make it all better. NOT! Maybe we all need an email break as well as a social media break. But keep in mind that doesn’t mean you need a break from Crack Wise. Duh. Funformation is always awesome. I received an email recently inviting me to join a new platform of some sort. The reason why I can’t explain it to you is because the email was confusing as to what the platform/product is.  Okay. This is decently written. I think the goal is to create a website with this platform. Because there aren’t others out there?  And now here we go with the spelling errors and misuse of grammar. I understand when a word or two slips by the editor. I miss things. Because we humans do that thing called “closure”. We know what’s supposed to be on the page, so we make it happen even though there are errors. But for the love of all things proper, your proof reader was crunk.  Kudos to Hustlers Hustlin for trying to create something new. But seriously, I can’t take you seriously when you can’t spell, your grammar sucks, and I really don't see how your product is beneficial. You’re not re-inventing user-friendly web creation. You didn’t invent group emailing or user-exclusive domain addresses. I think I’ll just keep the Crack Wise website right where it is. I’m already hustlin’. See, that’s with an apostrophe! Mic drop. |
AuthorEditor-in-chief Kathy Vogel shares what's on her mind... through her fingers. Archives
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