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CRACK WISE MAG

the crack files:
​etc.

Inside the mind of Crack Wise Editor-in-Chief Kathy Vogel
​Explore always-relevant tidbits of funformation in our archives...

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Sky High

11/28/2019

 
​I'm adventurous. Not skydiving-adventurous. But I'm fun. Just not into this...
​
Picture

Who knew Pinterest was all "get yo freak on"? Not that we're judging, but I love chocolate cake. Not in my "mount" or "mound" or "bundt" for the record...

The "H" and "N" are  near each other on the keyboard, but it's not like they typed "moutn". So, I'm thinking this is some kind of after hours dessert....

P.S. Shouldn't this be a triple layer cake if it's "mount"? I think of tall things that require a stepladder, be it food or "friend"...

Where the Scrubs Go

11/18/2019

 
​It seems we’re always dreaming about vacation. There’s not a day that doesn’t go by that I’m not thinking of a cruise, or a trip to Sandals, or a beach with beverages. But this is one place I have no desire to go to:
​
Picture

All I can think of is the TLC song “No Scrubs”.

“A scrub is a guy that think he’s fly
He’s also known as a busta
Always talkin’ about what he wants
And just sits on his broke ass…”


A scrub is a dude who mooches off of everyone else and has nothing going for him in life.

So, no. I don’t want to vacation on Scrub Island. But it is the perfect place to send the scrubs of the world!


My List

11/12/2019

 
Picture

I hate when someone who is most likely younger than I am giving me advice on how to live my life. Get a gray hair or 20 first, then check back in.

A recent article basically covered 40 things women over 40 shouldn't have in their possession. The list was tamer than I imagined, because it's become a "thing" to bash people over the age of 30. But I still don't cave to pressure from someone I don't give five sh*ts about telling me what to do.

Some things on the list: paperback books; shoes that hurt your feet; wire hangers. Look, judgy bitch. I like books. I will continue to have them. And CDs. I'm not dumping either for the sake of a Kindle or downloads-- though I do download stuff.

Here's my list of 4 things you shouldn't care about when you reach the age of zero tolerance:

1. What other people think. Are they in your inner circle? Then f*ck off.

2. My third roll of flab. Why? I worked hard for the first two, and the third is bonus. Bring on the yoga pants 4-eva!

3. Saving everyone and the environment. Because I won't live long enough to associate with the masses. Time's a ticking... And, I'm sure the know-it-alls are ruining the environment we speak.

4. I'm too blissfully old to come up with a #4. That's why old people rock. Because we make up rules and stuff.

I'm going to start my own hashtag to counteract the #OKBoomer trend (though I'm not a boomer, but I want to defend boomers out there): #OKMillie. As in, "Okay, Millennial. You have grandiose ideas but no plan of action. Go back to eating your avocado toast and pretending to be evolved and better than...
​
That escalated.

Not Woke

11/4/2019

 
Picture
Next to thieves, hypocrisy is on my list of things that ain't cool. So many people think they know so damned much-- but actually know very little. Victim-playing should be a career for some. 

The above pic and headline sound like a valid blog post for those looking for love. We all want to bond with that one special someone. But first things, first. Make sure you’re divorced (legally) before leaping heart-first into your next potential divorce.
​
Wakey, wakey…

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    Editor-in-chief Kathy Vogel shares what's on her mind... through her fingers. 

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