The things you see while shopping. For realzies. 

This young gal was with her momma, who apparently approves of her womb-revealing shorts and house slippers. 

For the love of all things sacred, please don’t abuse your jayjay. It needs to breathe. It doesn’t need to choke on a wad of thong and denim.

I was young once. But even then I didn’t want to have to hide-and-pick. Unless this is a new job (like social media management) for a new generation. Gloves better be included. 

Maybe she’s some kind of "vagina vigilante" and she’s strangling her own first... (?) 

And WTH with the house slippers? You’re picking up all kinds of nasty with those cute-sy feathers. 

At least her top is covered. She really should've completed this look with a tube top. 

P.S. Do you know how difficult it is to walk behind someone, snap a covert pic, and not get caught? LOL

So I’m thinking I want my own zoo. In a recent blog post, I wanted toys. Still do. And some of what I’m talking about (both of these items are toys—though one is not presented that way.

So this came up in my feed. You know how much I love Wish. Some really cool products on the cheap. And some really bizarre stuff. I saw this and thought:
“I can buy a dog for $19? Yes!”

Obviously, you can’t buy a real dog (I checked.) Perhaps some better marketing is needed. LOL
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Then I saw this, also in my news feed—from Walmart. So, I did some research. I couldn’t find this panda on line. Bummer. Because I want a panda! But I did find this rechargeable dog ride. This stuff wasn’t around when I was a kid. Maybe the big deal was one of those mini motorized cars. But if we wanted to ride a pony, we either had a rocking chair, or daddy pretended to be a horse by getting down on all fours and we sat on his back.

Why can’t they make this big enough for me? Not fair.

Super groups can be a double-edged sword. More on the business end than anything else—hurting. Badly.

This had me howling. I was optimistic about the group Hollywood Vampires. How can you go wrong when you put a musical project together with Alice Cooper, Joe Perry and Johnny Depp?

Maybe the kiss of Depp is the Kiss of Death. They're back with more music (Who knew they had any previously). I wish they would’ve stayed in their mansions.

There’s something off about their song “Who’s Laughing Now”. Maybe it’s because Johnny sounds British when he sings, and he’s not British. Or perhaps the Alice Cooper parts sound like an Alice Cooper impersonator.
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I get it. The song is all about telling Hollywood and Johnny's critics to suckle his schlong. But…

Maybe I just need more wine. Lots more wine. Because everyone on the YouTube loves this. Check that. They love Johnny Depp. Perhaps he’s altered their ear holes with his musical sorcery.

So, I got to thinking. Stop laughing. I want to have the ultimate fun stuff. I’m a big kid at heart, and to me age is just a number. I’ve decided I need these things. 
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Maybe if I start a GoFundMe, some sucker—I mean, kind person—will donate to my “cause”.
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Any takers? LOL

One night after an exhausting day, I was scrolling through my Instagram when I came across this:

I thought it was an odd pink thong. Then I realized, it’s a small dog harness. I totally missed the name Parisian Pet.

Oops.
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Perhaps I need to find more time for sleep. LOL
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This whole work thing is getting old. I enjoy what I do, but time is running out. Maybe I just want to become a lady of leisure. Then I should probably reply to both of these fine gents. So glad they reached out to me about my pending windfall.

​Wayne Power Loan sounds like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, so I’m sure this is legit. And who can beat a 2% interest rate?
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I really shouldn’t assume this one is about money, but I’m thinking George is going to offer me some if I give him my account number. Or maybe he really has information for me. Like the meaning of life. Or if I’m every going to lose 10 pounds. Or how I’m going to die. I’m sure George is cool.​

Pinterest has been a goldmine lately of angry people and random nonsensical comments. 

This looks like a lovely bit of information:
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Who doesn’t want a little heads-up about low carb snacks? Apparently, “cyn ama” doesn’t. I don’t know exactly where there is too much advertising. Did she mean on Pinterest in general or in the post? Regardless, that’s how companies snag customers—advertising! Bummer, I know.

Perhaps a low-carb snack would calm you down…
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There are things we need in life. There are things we want. I want this:

Look how much fun the kids are having. I don’t have kids. So this would be for me and my friends. It’s tall enough, and obviously, I fit in the appropriate age range (I’m ‘and up’).
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Why should children have all the fun? Let’s do this!

I guess FOMO has always been a thing. The Fear of Missing Out. I remember wanting what other kids had, or wanting to be in on the conversation, or see the latest movie. You usually get over it as you grow up. But nowadays, FOMO is a huge thing. We have social media to blame. In an instant, people can visually and verbally vomit the awesomeness of whatever, and either people get jealous or pissed.

The jealous part: "I wish I could take that vacation to Aruba and I wish I had that bikini body." (real FB post)  or (inner dialogue) "I really need to see Avengers: Endgame. Everyone is talking about it and they're so cool, and I'm not."

The pissed part: "If wish Game of Thrones fans knew how to spell. G.O.T. and GOT are two different things!" (real FB post)

Everybody take a deep breath. I'm not going to see Avengers, and I don't care if everyone is talking about it. Why? Because eff FOMO! The only superhero I truly dig is Wonder-f8ckin-Woman! But that doesn't mean I feel left out about the superhero world or get angry over all the Avengers posts on social media.

Then, there's the pissed FOMO. That's when a person deep down inside has FOMO, but turns it into superiority behavior. In regards to Game of Thrones fans knowing how to spell, well, I can tell the person who posted the above rant that we (I'm a Thrones fan) CAN indeed spell. HBO markets the abbreviation of Game of Thrones as GoT. No periods. No ALL CAPS. But since said person is not a fan, she would not know that. So, your post tryin' to throw shade at GoT fans backfired. Research, baby girl. Research.

The biggest take away? Eff FOMO. If you don't care, who cares? Why waste your time posting how you don't care. I don't  care to watch American Idol. But I'm not posting how I "just don't get it" or how the show is lame. Just chill. Care about what you care about and proceed with your life. Your FOMO is stopping you from living your life. And your life is just as wonderful. Just as cool. Just as awesome.

I hated the idea of online shopping. I resisted it. I was determined to spend my time traveling all over the county to get what I needed because I wanted to support physical businesses—and resist the evils of technology.

HA!

I’m an Amazon-er. It happened slowly. I would go into stores to price items, then comparison shop on Amazon. When I realized I could find items cheaper, I was converted. Then there’s Amazon Prime. But we don’t have time for that.
Let’s focus on another reason Amazon is fab: other shoppers. And their wit. They must be unknown Crack Wisers. Perhaps we can lure them. But, again, back to the post at hand.

Sometimes, when you need a mental break or the day has turned to crap—go to Amazon. Read some of the product reviews. You’ll be in tears.
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In my dreams, I own a pygmy giraffe—one that’s not too tall and can roam around the backyard and snuggle with me at night. Imagine if you could really buy a giraffe on Amazon. Well, some funny folk ran with the idea.
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​Rock on, Amazon reviewers. Rock. On.