CRACK WISE MAG - Wise Archives/ETC.

Bargains Galore

Mon, 22 Jun 2020 04:01:00 GMT

Wish never fails to entertain me. I haven’t bought anything from them in a while, cuz I really don’t want to possibly invite the COVID into my home via packages from China. I know that seems ridiculous, but I’ll eventually cave and start making purchases again.

This item won’t make it into my cart, though...

It’s not that I’m closed-minded. This just looks like some brokedown wannabe superhero that’s missed the mark. You know, like some grown 20-something hit his head too much and thought he was a superhero. His superhero name would be “Super Dick” (Richard J. Peters by day)—with his mouth where the hole is.

Meanwhile, I’m going to have to tell my husband to make up the spare room because apparently we can buy Matt Damon for $22.

I thought he’d at least go for $75. He’s selling himself at Ben Affleck prices. Sigh. Know your worth…

Pandemic Party

Tue, 16 Jun 2020 16:52:23 GMT

I like when Pinterest gives me suggestions, because I might discover something else to obsess over (scones, mug cakes, toys from childhood, etc…). But I know for a fact I’m not into this:

Horrible description.

Why in the name of all things good would I want to make a piñata filled with the COVID?

Exactly.

“In eight easy steps.”

I can think of three:

Secure viles of ‘rona.
Put inside piñata.
Wash hands.

Anywho, this would be a great Dr. Evil-type weapon… “Hey, everybody! Let’s bust open this piñata! Who knows what treats are inside!?!?”

“Release the COVID.” (While stroking Mr. Bigglesworth...)

Disappeared

Mon, 18 May 2020 04:30:00 GMT

I‘m always looking for interesting projects to potentially work on. But this? I’m not mature enough to even audition:

I. Can’t.

I have more questions than I dare ask. I wonder if she abused her nub and that’s why it took a hike. That’s the running joke I have with some man-ho friends: “Don't be surprised if you wake up and your d&ck is lying next to you, angry for all the abuse you’ve put it through”…

And now, I might start snickering if I meet any gals named “Christine”. I’ll want to ask if they found their long-lost friend.

P.S. Could you imagine the Lost & Found poster for this?

Pained Pretty

Mon, 11 May 2020 04:01:00 GMT

While flipping through a catalog (yes, they still send this ancient thing via a method called “the mail”), I LOL’d at this picture:

I love this top and the color, but the expression on the model’s face leaves me wondering all kinds of things…

Were you surprised someone was photographing you at this photo shoot? I understand that “natural” expressions are sometimes included because you just can’t be sexy-face all the time.

Did you walk into someone’s fart?

Or did you realize wearing white pants were mistake because your own fart may actually be a shart? (One of a billion reasons why I don’t wear white pants.)

What fascinates me is that this was the best shot in the bunch because it made it into the catalog. So what did the other shots look like?

Man Bargain

Mon, 27 Apr 2020 04:01:00 GMT

Who knew you could buy a man for $15 on Wish?

This app has provided hours of entertainment. Hope you find joy in the silliest of things…

Scamdemic

Tue, 21 Apr 2020 15:50:21 GMT

Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night… nor a global pandemic will stop a scammer.

Sigh.

Check out this “serious” email:

Staying safe is the best way to survive this pandemic, how are you
doing, I am yet to hear from you concerning my proposal, did you get
my last email?

Regards,
Anzhelika Makotina
Senior Sales Executive
Kirishi Oil Refinery, Russia
zhemako01@gmail.com

Uhhmmmm… No. Did not get any proposal, nor do I want one. Two, ignoring your email is the best way to stay scam-safe. And three, f&ck your faux concern for my well-being in this pandemic.

How about you accept my proposal: Eat a bag of sweaty d&cks, and die…

Must be the quarantine wine talking…

via GIPHY

Better Late Than Never

Mon, 13 Apr 2020 16:36:25 GMT

The hubs and I have a New Year’s Eve tradition where we go out to dinner at a place called The Twisted Olive. We like the atmosphere and food. We went there on 12/31/19. In the beginning of April, and again just a few days ago—I received this email:

Guess with the lockdown in effect you’re able to get to that busy work—of nearly four months later—of wondering how last year’s dinner was.

Mind you, I’m not raging on Ms. Simons. I just found it odd that this would even go out so long after my dining, considering I usually get these kinds of emails almost immediately. And... I can't remember what I had for lunch yesterday, so...

By the way, Christina, the food and service were excellent as always. But, we’re not too pleased with all the events that have transpired so far in 2020. Can you create a cocktail-food-combo that will make it go away, like the Twisted Tittie, or something?

Get back to me in four months…

P.S. I miss dining out... in a restaurant... with other people...

No Deal

Mon, 06 Apr 2020 04:01:00 GMT

More marketing folks need to think like I do—inappropriately. Smart-ass-y. See this here ad from Flamingo?

I don’t need an ingrown hair—even if it’s free. I have a few of my own that are already free.

See what I mean…

Perhaps they should’ve chosen another word besides ‘free’ that would’ve gotten the point across—even though the choice is perfectly fine… accept when it comes to Crack Wise Nation. Because we see things differently.

Have fun freeing hairs while in quarantine…

P.S. Could you imagine someone giving out free ingrown hairs? And someone actually wanting them?

Coocci

Tue, 24 Mar 2020 17:00:00 GMT

I’m a shoe fan. Not as big as I used to be. I discovered this sad moment when I uttered the phrase (to myself): “How many pairs of shoes do I need?”

The world paused for a moment.

But I still love shoes. And with my savvy shopping using my DSW Visa card, I get most pairs free.

*Cue happy dance…

Imagine my excitement when I learned that my girl-crush JLo designed a collection for DSW! In reality, I will never wear a pair of her shoes. One, because they’re too damned uncomfortable looking, and two—I’m cheap.

When I saw a pic from her DSW photo shoot, I was confused:

What exactly is she selling here?

Will wearing a pair of her shoes make my legs splay out like that?

Does she wax or shave?

I think she needs to design Coocis, you know, like Gucci, but more crotch forward. Perhaps Coochie Crocs.

Because seriously, who’s looking at the shoes!?!?!!?

Taco Time

Mon, 16 Mar 2020 04:01:00 GMT

As a female in possession of a jay jay, I’m amazed at all the ads and story pitches I receive about… stank. It’s one of those head-scratchers for me. Because if there were ever an issue with private areas or fungus on the feet or whatever, I was raised to go get it handled.

I understand thoughts on this topic have historically been antiquated…

But I know if I have an issue I can figure things out. I also am educated on knowing what is a realistic “smell” and what isn’t. I don’t think any woman today thinks hers should really smell like a rose. Or chocolate cake. Or whatever. Or believes Lysol should be used like a perfume.

In an age of information we seem to be oddly incapable of using our brains. Which is probably the point…