Funformation
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Did you miss the holiday on February 22nd? Not the “I-dumped-my-significant other-after-I-got-the-Valentine’s-gifts-I-wanted” holiday. The 22nd was National Margarita Day!
Why don’t we have this day off? Seriously. Perhaps you couldn’t indulge because it was a weekday and adulting, blah, blah, bah. Our Crack Wise-dom has us thinking we should margarita more now through Cinco de Mayo. That’s, what—a good two-ish solid months of perfecting our Cinco de Drinko game? Here’s a recipe to get your started. Peach Sriracha Margarita
Ingredients: 1.5 oz. Island Oasis Aseptic Peach 1 oz. Island Oasis Margarita Mix 2.5 oz water (for dilution) 1 oz. Tequila (or more) 1/2 t. Sriracha Instructions: Shake ingredients with ice: strain over clean ice and serve. *don’t know if this one’s gonna burn—in and out Look. You’ve already eaten everything. Every. Single. Thing. Now what in the af are we going to snack on? Molly Bz knows what’s what. These ain’t your granny’s cookies. These are giant alcohol-infused cookies. Some choices include: Hot Mess: made with tequila and Hot Cheetos Maple and Bacon: infused with whiskey Jalapeno Margarita: candied jalapenos and tequila, chocolate chips. Get ‘em by the flight, or join the Cookie of the Month Club. Everybody needs a cookie in their mouth... Your neighborhood Karen can call the city if your lawn gets too high. Thank goodness she can’t call if your personal garden needs weeding. LawnStarter is not the chia pet of personal growth. They’re a legit lawn care company. But they decided to do a little survey about our personal grooming practices. What did they find in the bushes? Hair to Stay: While some personal grooming habits have slipped during the pandemic, generally people have maintained their trimming and shaping. Roughly 51% of all women and 59% of all men describe their pandemic body hair as either a “managed forest” or a “well-manicured garden.” Crack Wise Wonders: What about a rock with some moss on top? The Pruning Never Stops: What are the most popular grooming areas? For women it’s armpits, with 69% of respondents purging their pits. The most popular grooming region for men is, of course, the face at 78%. Beards and mustaches are in, and, besides, the scruff just never quits. Crack Wise Wonders: Mustache for men… but what about a Southern Comfort mustache for women? Would that be like kissing grandpa? Just Don’t Go There: For both women and men, the groin, pubes, and genitals are obviously the most sensitive areas for trimming. But after these three nether regions, answers diverged. The next most sensitive area for men was the nose (really?) and for women the arms and face. It isn’t easy being hairy. Crack Wise Wonders: We. Can’t. The word “pubes” is just… ick. Can we call it “love floss” instead? Here’s the low down on the down low lawn… Keto lovers may have turned a back on carbs, but many Crack Wise-ians embrace them like a Siamese twin (don’t really know what that means, but you’re feelin’ it.) That is why we shed a tear of joy when Einstein Bros. Bagels announced their newest menu item: The Texas Brisket Egg Sandwich Did you all hear that heavenly orchestral music, or was it just us? This complete foodgasm is all about slow-smoked beef brisket, cheddar cheese, “fried” egg, and smoky chipotle sauce on a jalapeno bacon bagel. A hearty, to-go breakfast is here. And so is a nap for us… *Available 2/25 for a limited time Kids love to help out in the kitchen when they’re little—because they want to be grown. When they grow up, some run from the thought of cooking. But others? Your child might be the next MasterChef Junior! Raddish is a cooking club for kids, with monthly culinary fun delivered to your doorstep. Each membership comes with a monthly cooking kit, bonus recipes and activities, and an online community. You’ll get a new kit each month, with perks! Pretty rad, no? A year-long subscription is $20—the best savings, but you can go month-to-month if you like. Here’s a recipe your kid can make for the family for Valentine’s Day. Get ‘em started young! Breakfast in Bed Ingredients: Heart-shaped cookie cutter 1 piece of bread 1 egg 1 Tbsp butter Salt Pepper Instructions: Use a cookie cutter to cut a heart from a slice of bread. Melt butter in a skillet over medium heat. Add bread to pan and cook 1 minute. Crack egg inside and cook 2-3 minutes. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Flip and cook 1-4 minutes. True Aussie Beef and Lamb—no, this is not some new band, though it could make for an interesting alt rock name—hosted some virtual dinner party to break the Guinness World Record for the largest virtual dinner party in history. We assume they achieved their goal, and we’re too lazy to Google the info, because let’s get to the heart of this here blog post--food. These fine folks are proud of their beef… and their lamb… so here’s a delish sounding recipe you could try. Or bribe someone to make for you because it sounds complicated to the Crack Wise Staff. Beef Barbacoa Tacos Ingredients: Portion size: 2 tacos Alternate cuts: Any grassfed beef cut All-purpose BBQ rub: 1 cup paprika 2 teaspoons chili powder 2 teaspoons cayenne 1/2 cup black pepper 2 teaspoons smoked paprika 1/2 cup packed brown sugar 1/4 cup dried oregano 1/2 cup fine sea salt 1/2 cup garlic powder 1/4 cup granulated sugar Tacos: 1 orange, zested and juiced 2 limes, zested and juiced 2 teaspoons all-purpose BBQ rub or other meat rub 1/2 tablespoon puréed canned chipotle in adobo 1 teaspoon minced garlic 1 teaspoon chopped fresh cilantro leaves 1 1/2 pounds trimmed Australian grassfed skirt steak 8 corn tortillas one 15 ounce can black beans, drained and rinsed 1 cup pico de gallo 1/2 cup Cotija cheese, crumbled Instructions: For the rub: In a large bowl, combine all the ingredients and break up any excess lumps. Store in an airtight container, in a cool, dry place, such as your cupboard. For the tacos: In a large bowl, combine the citrus juices and zests, BBQ rub, chipotle, garlic and cilantro for a marinade. Coat the skirt steak in the marinade and refrigerate for 2 hours or overnight. To cook: Preheat the grill over HIGH heat. Remove the skirt steak from the marinade, wiping off any excess. Grill the steak for 8 minutes, turning every 2 minutes, or until it reaches the desired doneness. Allow it to rest for 5 minutes, then slice the steak into thin strips. To serve: Heat the tortillas over the grill to soften. Divide the skirt steak evenly among the tortillas. Top each tortilla with 3 tablespoons black beans, 2 tablespoons pico de gallo, and 1 tablespoon cotija cheese. Serve immediately. *recipe courtesy of: Chef Adam Moore
Let’s just call this bit of funformation “keeping tabs.” Every year, the CandyStore.com crunches (Nestle?) the information and reveals the Valentine’s candy each state loves. Sometimes, this data can be disappointing. Hopefully, your state isn’t a complete loser.
Spending on Valentine’s candy is projected to be down 20-percent this year (another reason to hate COVID). Maybe we should take our stimulus checks and… Conversation hearts are back up there in popularity. Yay? Probs because you can read lips anymore, so why not read a candy heart? And M&Ms are a classic that remains strong in our hearts. Some other facts to gnosh on (get it?): 47% of people said they will buy themselves a box of chocolates this year. 58 million pounds of chocolate are bought during Valentine’s Day week. The peak selling period for conversation hearts is only 6 weeks long. Wow! It takes manufacturers 11 months to produce enough for those 6 weeks. Vodka infused with candy remained popular with conversation hearts last year. Children receive 39 percent of all Valentine’s Day candy and gifts (hopefully, it’s not the vodka-infused candy—unless mom and dad need a break…) Here’s what you should do, Crack Wiseians: wait until 2/15 and hit up the store and buy all the discounted V Day candy. Saving money, and stimulating the economy. We. Just. Can’t. With some of the story ideas we’ve been pitched. Like this recent email we received with the subject line: The Truth About “Winter Vagina” Excuse me? We didn’t know lady parts had seasons. We were pitched an expert to speak on such matters and myths surrounding winter vagina. There’s no way we’re responding. But we did find this juicy tidbit from The Sun, who interviewed Dr. Jen Gunter about this winter-vaj-thing: “… no one worries about winter butthole, because the air outside the body doesn’t really impact the dryness in our internal pockets. She notes that it’s pretty tricky for winter weather to impact the vagina, ‘which is inside your body and underneath clothes’, unless you were to go ahead and shove ice up there (not a good idea). The vagina is a self-cleaning, self-regulating haven that pretty much takes care of itself. You don’t need to warm it or cool it – it’s already at its optimal temperature. You don’t need to clean it – the vagina does that itself. The same goes for self-lubrication and discharge – that happens thanks to the vagina’s internal ecosystem, not the outside environment.” We can unsee this. Especially “winter butthole”. Glad we could put this all on ice… Yeah. Bad pun. Here are some other rando thoughts about winter jay: Does it come with a muffler? (wink, wink) Is this a gyno version of Game of Thrones? Who’s riding down this slope? There’s some of 2020 still lingering in 2021 and it’s most likely to stay—video conferencing calls. If we don’t have to work in the workplace anymore, and can still “meet” and get things done, then why not? But that means, we need to step-up our Zoom game. The background matters just as much as how you’re looking in your little cell. The interior design experts at Modsy have taken each of this year’s hottest new home interior trends and turned them into Zoom backgrounds. Clever. The 1980s Style Revival is happening in 2021. Sculptural furniture; bold colors; drama (kinda like some people in any given VC call.) We were hoping for some Pacman backgrounds or neon lights. Duh. Neutral materials brings effortless texture into your space, and gives your home a perfectly layered look. We hate people like this, because you could probs eat off their floor. We eat off our floor after a night of too much wine and bad decisions. Think David Hasselfhoff’s burger-in-the-tub video… Grandmillennial Style is still holding on. Like your grammy’s bad perfume. More and more younger folk are embracing “granny chic”—antiques, wallpaper, and ruffles galore. We’d better not see any doilies or TV trays… Other 2021 design trends include: Bold wall colors; Lighter-toned wood; and the rise of traditional comfort. This is all too fancy for us. We’re just hoping there’s nothing incriminating in the background when we’re on a call… Though we believe fervently that we're not going to drag the same ol' bullshizz into a new year, whelp... 2021 is here and guess what? With that said, we roll on. And Valentine's Day is almost here. So, let's celebrate. Keep doing what you're doing and get your romantical drink on at home. Our boozie bestie, Tavour has the hookup with over 600 independent craft breweries to ship the country's best beers right to your door. Scotty Hunter of Urban Artifact in Ohio says beers have evolved, and so has our palates. "I think the way beer has evolved to express so many different flavor concepts over the years has lent itself to many more occasions. We often see breweries push this with Valentine's day 'themed' beers typically involving chocolate, but there are very elegant barrel aged sours and wine hybrids, as well." Scotty would love for us to put our lips on his peach-- Love Letter Peach Sour Ale. To create this brew, they used over 3,200 pounds of fresh, white peaches per batch. Damn! The smoothie-like pour is thick like puree and smells like a slice of fresh peach. A taste of creamy vanilla beans adds smooth sweetness to the finish. It's like a Bellini, but more luxuriant. Sold! Tavour, here we come. Plus, who doesn't like to eat a peach? On Valentine's Day, especially... |
AuthorThe cracked Crack Wise Staff-- warriors of the Funformation Movement. Archives
January 2024
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