Funformation
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Not sure we've ever pondered this topic: Which cities in the U.S. are most vulnerable for rats?
We know. Apparently, Pest Gnome wanted to do a dirty deep-dive on the topic and uncovered that rats love taking a bite out of the Big Apple. Is anyone really surprised here? The filth. The garbage. The essence of the City that Never Sleeps. Duh. L.A. is second followed by Jersey City. Cong-rats? Thanks, Pet Gnome, for the nightmare fuel. We Crack Wise-rs are gonna have a little fun with this. Rat Bait
*recipe courtesy of mouthsofmums.com
Ingredients: (serves 4) 1 loaf sliced bread 2 cups grated cheese 2 cups bacon pieces 2 eggs to taste salt and pepper to taste mixed herbs butter to butter one side of the bread Instructions: Mix the cheese, bacon pieces, salt and pepper, mixed herbs and egg in a big bowl. Toast one side of the bread, once that is done butter the other side and place on the mixture to all corners. Bake in a moderate oven until the mixture is golden brown. Grapes are good for you. So wine should be considered a healthy drink, according to our Crack Wisedom. I mean, we're not wrong necessarily. In fact, wine is so awesome, there's these two dudes called the World Wine Guys-- Mike DeSimone and Jeff Jenssen-- and they've written a book called WHITE WINE: The Comprehensive Guide to the 50 Essential Varieties & Styles. It's a follow-up to their red wine guide. Hold up. There are 50 different white wines? We thought there were three: dry, sweet, and sweeter. (We'll take the latter two choices, by the way...) Each chapter in the book surveys one grape or blend, what to expect in the glass (You have expectations? We just want a sweet buzz.) and suggested food pairings. For you sommeliers in the making that want to upgrade from your Franzia box of wine, this life-changing guide is for you. We know. How dramatic and over-sell-y we're behaving. Here's something you can pair with a sweet white wine. Because we aren't fancy and can't even swirl, smell or detect any "notes" in a wine. Shrimp Patties Recipe with Aioli*recipe courtesy of aspiringwinos.com Ingredients: For the Shrimp patties: 1.5 Pounds colossal tiger shrimps (De-shelled, de-veined) 1 cup roughly chopped parsley ¼ cup Mayonnaise 1.5 tbsp Dijon Mustard Paste ½ tbsp Paprika 1 tsp Onion Powder 1 tbsp Minced Garlic 2 medium eggs ½ cup Parmesan (or more) ½ cup oats flour (or more) ¼ cup Extra Virgin Olive Oil (For pan frying the patties) Salt (to taste) For the Aioli: ½ cup mayonnaise ½ tsp Paprika 1 tbsp Dijon mustard paste ½ tsp Minced Garlic Instructions: How to make the Shrimp Patties: Begin by cleaning & rinsing the shrimps. If using frozen shrimps, defrost them & bring them to room temperature. Chop the shrimp into small pieces. Add chopped parsley, mayo, dijon mustard paste, salt, paprika powder, eggs, chopped garlic, onion powder & Oats flour and give everything a good mix. Finally, add the parmesan cheese and mix everything well. If you feel the batter is too slimy add a bit more oats flour to bind it well. Heat your favorite skillet over medium low flame, brush oil or drizzle oil. In the meantime, form patty shapes with a scoop of shrimp batter with the help of your palm (you may grease your palms for ease) or scoop out each patty with the help of a cookie scoop. Gently drop them on the hot pan & press them gently to flatten or give a patty shape. Flip sides, cook until golden over medium low or medium heat. When the patty is fully cooked give that char look and add more crispiness by searing them over medium high heat for a couple of mins (both sides). Serve hot! How to make the Aioli: In a clean bowl take mayo and add mustard paste, paprika, salt & chopped garlic. Mix well. Aioli is ready. Serve with the shrimp patties. It's going down this weekend-- the official Royal Coronation of King Charles III on the other side of the pond. ParrotPrint.com has done a deep dive into all of the King's favorite things. (Hopefully, there won't be any favorite things along the lines of what Prince Phillip was into...) Many Brits and royal fanatics will be hosting their own coronation celebrations. Here's a little breakdown of what Chuck likes: Charles and his lady love, Camilla, have chosen quiche as their meal de crown (we made that up). So, if you plan to party like a royal-- here's the recipe. Don't know if you'll be sitting on your "throne" afterwards (beans are involved), but here we go. Royal Coronation Quiche Ingredients: Pastry: 1 cup all-purpose flour pinch of salt 1/8 cup cold butter, diced 1/8 cup lard 2 tablespoons milk Filling: 1/2 cup milk 3/4 cup (heavy) cream 2 medium eggs 1 tablespoon chopped fresh tarragon 1 cup grated cheddar cheese 6 oz cooked spinach, lightly chopped 2 oz cooked broad beans (fava beans) or soya beans Instructions: To make the pastry, sift the flour and salt into a bowl. Add the fats and rub the mixture together using your fingertips until you get a sandy, breadcrumb like texture. Add the milk a little at a time and bring the ingredients together into a dough. Cover and allow to rest in the fridge for 30 to 45 minutes. Lightly flour the work surface and roll out the pastry to a circle a little larger than the top of the tin and approximately 5 mm thick. Line the tin with the pastry, taking care not to have any holes or the mixture could leak. Cover and rest for a further 30 minutes in the fridge. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Line the pastry pan with parchment paper. Add pie weights and bake blind for 15 minutes, before removing the parchment paper and baking beans. Reduce the oven temperature to 320 degrees F. Beat together the milk, cream, eggs, herbs and seasoning. Scatter half of the grated cheese in the blind-baked base, top with the chopped spinach and beans and herbs, then pour over the liquid mixture. Sprinkle over the remaining cheese. Place into the oven and bake for 20 to 25 minutes until set and lightly golden. How's your cube game looking? When we think "cubes" we think of "ice", or "Rubik's" or perhaps "cheese." And if we're old school, we're still using ice cube trays. Imagine Ice cube trays of all cube sizes, and not just for use in the freezer. How 'bout cubing things in the oven, too? We know. Mind. Blown. Think of the possibilities: pre-portioned foods like chilis, stews, soups, meatloaves, and more stored in the freezer in non-wastable-sized portions, then popped in the oven for delicious goodness. Souper Cubes come in 2 cups, 1 cup, 1/2 cup, and 2 tablespoon portions. The 100% food-grade silicone containers are BPA free and can be frozen or baked up to 415 degrees F. Nifty! Well, if we're gonna impulse buy this, we're gonna put it to good use. Here's a tasty recipe from Souper Cubes. No Bake Cookies and Cream Cheesecake Ice Cream Bars Ingredients: Cookie Crust: 20 Oreo cookies 1 stick (½ cup) unsalted butter, melted Filling: 12 Oreo cookies 16 ounces (2 packages) cream cheese, at room temperature ¼ cup granulated sugar ¼ cup powdered sugar 1 tablespoon lemon juice ½ teaspoon vanilla extract ⅛ teaspoon salt 2 cups cold heavy cream Instructions: To prepare crust: Add 20 Oreo cookies to the bowl of a food processor. Blend, scraping down the sides of the bowl as necessary, until fine crumbs form. Drizzle in ½ cup melted butter and pulse until the mixture looks like wet sand. Set aside. To prepare filling: Place 12 Oreo cookies in a zip top bag and crush with a meat mallet, rolling pin, or heavy glass. Set aside. Beat 16 oz (2 packages) cream cheese, ¼ cup sugar, ¼ cup powdered sugar, 1 Tbsp, ½ teaspoon vanilla extract, and ⅛ teaspoon salt in the bowl of a stand mixer with the paddle attachment or in a large bowl with a hand mixer until fully incorporated and resembling a paste. If using a stand mixer, swap the paddle attachment for the whisk attachment. Add 2 cups heavy cream to the cream cheese mixture in the bowl. Whisk on low until combined, then increase the speed to medium and mix until the filling is whipped, 3 to 4 minutes. Stir in the reserved bag of crushed Oreo cookies. To assemble cheesecakes: Place a small amount of the cookie crust mixture to just cover the bottom of the Souper Cubes tray wells. Pat down the crust with the back of a spoon, a small rubber spatula, or a clean finger. Top with the cheesecake filling and spread evenly across the crust. Place a lid on each tray and freeze overnight. They don't call it the "great outdoors" for nothing. Camping really grew in popularity during the lockdown, and it's not losing any steam. LawnLove crunched the numbers to find the best places to leave conveniences behind and connect with nature. They compared the 50 states based on 25 metrics, such as campsite access, acreage, and trails.They also considered safety, supplies, camper satisfaction, and affordability. The West Coast-- California and Washington-- take the top two spots. But... you need to be a real-deal camper to enjoy the experience. Both states lack phone coverage and have high rates of park deaths. California holds the record for the most park deaths between 2010 and 2020 at 300. Always check the weather before venturing out, and bring enough water to last your journey. Let's not turn into a Lifetime movie, okay? Perhaps you just want to camp near your current homestead, or even in the backyard. We vote for backyard camping because we're going to end up sleeping inside. Anywho, here's a tasty campfire breakfast you can whip up, courtesy of Fresh Off the Grid. Sausage Breakfast Sandwiches Ingredients: SAUSAGE PATTIES 1 pound ground pork 2 teaspoons dried herbs: thyme, rosemary, sage, etc 1 teaspoon salt SRIRACHA HONEY SAUCE ½ cup honey 2 tablespoons Sriracha SANDWICH ASSEMBLY 6 eggs 6 slices cheese 6 English muffins Instructions: PREP THE SAUSAGES: Mix the ground pork, herbs, and salt in a large bowl until thoroughly combined. Form into 6 equal sized patties, keeping in mind that they will shrink slightly while cooking. PREP THE SAUCE: Combine the honey and sriracha in a small bowl and stir together. Set aside. COOK: Heat a griddle or skillet over your campfire or stove top. Once hot, place the sausages on the surface and cook until browned, 2-3 minutes. Flip and cook the other side until browned, 2-3 minutes more. Meanwhile, cook the eggs as desired and toast the English muffins. ASSEMBLE & SERVE: Spread the Sriracha honey sauce on the English muffins, then layer with a sausage patty, egg, and slice of cheese. Is anybody really surprised that California is THE place for wine in the U.S.? Of course not. Is anyone surprised that Napa is the #1 wine county in Cali? Again, nope. LawnStarter has the breakdown on how to properly do a California wine tour, in case you're interested. In the meantime, if you can't enjoy the finer wines from the West-- crack open your favorite under-20-bucks brand and enjoy this dip with it. At least you'll feel a little bit bougie. Crab Rangoon Dip*recipe courtesy of BakeMeSomeSugar.com Ingredients: 4 oz cream cheese softened 1/4 cup greek yogurt 3 Tablespoons mayonnaise 8 oz crab meat or as desired 1 cup cheddar cheese 1/2 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce 1/2 teaspoon soy sauce 1 1/2 teaspoons sesame oil or to taste 1 teaspoon dehydrated garlic to taste - Salt or 1/4 cup parmesan cheese your preference (do not add both) Hot sauce to taste Green onions optional garnish 3 cups oil of choice peanut or vegetable 1 package wonton wrappers Instructions: Preheat oven to 350F. Then grease your baking dish and set it aside. Then combine your Greek yogurt, cream cheese, mayo, and 1/2 cup of cheese, soy sauce, sesame oil, Worcestershire sauce, garlic, and your hot sauce. Feel free to taste and adjust seasoning to your liking. Next fold in your crab meat. Once well mixed, pour the dip into the oven-safe dish and top with your leftover shredded cheese. Bake for 10 minutes, or until your cheese is slightly golden brown. While the dip is baking, start working on your wonton chips. Heat oil in a deep fryer or a heavy pot (like a dutch oven). Or opt for the air fryer method below. Slice wonton wrappers into triangles (Cut in half diagonally) then fry a few at a time in the hot oil. Make sure they have room and flip after 30 seconds on one side. Place cooked wonton chips on a plate that is lined with a paper towel. Pull hot crab dip from oven, garnish with sliced green onions and serve with wonton chips. Air Fryer Wontons | Prep your wontons as directed and spritz with oil. Place in your air fryer, in a single layer. Heat at 350 degrees for 2-3 minutes, and then flip and cook until they are evenly browned. Pizza is a staple. We love it. We eat it for breakfast. We eat it after a night of cocktailing. We debate the toppings, crust thickness, and who's got the best pie. Well, we know that NYC is always going to top the list for pizza lovers. But let's talk about dessert pizza. Imagine eating a pie, having a dessert pie, and then... Anywho, we turn to our friends at Pillsbury for this sweet, happy ending. Chocolate-Hazelnut Pizza Ingredients: 1 can (13.8 oz) refrigerated Pillsbury™ Classic Crust Pizza Crust 1/2 cup hazelnut spread with cocoa 1/4 cup dark chocolate chips 2 tablespoons semisweet chocolate chips 2 tablespoons white vanilla baking chips 1 teaspoon vegetable oil 1/4 cup hazelnuts (filberts), toasted, skins removed, chopped Instructions: Heat oven to 400°F. Grease 12-inch pizza pan with shortening, or spray with cooking spray. Unroll dough in pan. Starting at center, press out dough with hands, forming 1/2-inch rim. Bake 12 to 15 minutes or until golden brown. Immediately spread with hazelnut spread; sprinkle with dark chocolate and semisweet chocolate chips. Bake 1 to 2 minutes longer or just until chocolate begins to melt. In small microwavable bowl, microwave white vanilla baking chips and vegetable oil uncovered on High 30 to 60 seconds, stirring every 15 seconds, until melted. Sprinkle hazelnuts on pizza. Drizzle with melted white chips. Cool 5 minutes. Cut into wedges. Serve warm. In case you're curious, here's some other pizza stats courtesy of LawnStarter. In case you didn't know, the Super Bowl is an event. Not just the hype over the broadcast, the game, and the halftime show. We're talkin' about your gathering. Whether it's with a bunch of people or you and your fur baby, the Big Game is all about the vibe. Which usually revolves around food. Lots of snackable bites that will leave us with regret after the championship trophy is hoisted. Our collective jaw dropped to the floor when we learned that wings are no longer at the top of the Super Bowl food list. How could this be? Meatballs! What!?!? Not that we've turned down a tasty ball in our mouth, but wings and football seem to go hand-in-band like jockstraps and fruitbowls. The lowly wing has dropped to 6th according to what people are Googling. Okay then. Here's a meatball recipe. Slow Cooker Bourbon Meatballs *recipe courtesy of theblondcook Ingredients: 2 cups prepared barbecue sauce (I used hickory and brown sugar flavor) 1 cup bourbon ½ cup honey ⅓ cup molasses ¼ cup sweet chili sauce 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce 2 pounds fully cooked frozen meatballs, thawed Fresh chopped parsley, for garnish (if desired) Instructions: Stir together barbecue sauce, bourbon, honey, molasses, chili sauce and Worcestershire sauce in a medium bowl until combined. Place meatballs in your slow cooker insert. Cover with sauce and stir to coat meatballs evenly. Cover and cook on low heat for 4 hours. Sprinkle with fresh chopped parsley before serving, if desired. Some things are not surprising. Like the most popular place for all things bagel is NYC. You can get a bagel just about everywhere, and they're all so tasty. Lawn Love knows a thing or 10 about bagels. How? We have no idea. Maybe grass and bagels go hand in schmear. Check out these nifty factoids about bagels. You might be even be able to impress someone with this rando knowledge. And why aren't we celebrating the bagel more often? They're not just for breakfast. Here's a tasty meal you can shove in your mouth outside of breakfast. BAGEL BURGERS WITH DILL PICKLE CREAM CHEESE*recipe courtesy of Rebecca Lindamood Ingredients per burger: Dill Pickle Dip Grilled burger patty 1 pumpernickel or everything bagel split for toasting Olive oil Mixed spring greens or lettuce of choice Instructions: Drizzle olive oil over the cut sides of the bagel. Toast, oiled side down, until the bagel is golden brown. Let it cool for 5 minutes, then assemble your burger by first spreading dill pickle dip generously on the bottom half of the bagel, stacking on a grilled burger patty, handful of greens or lettuce and the top half of the toasted bagel. Did you know that Piroshky Piroshky is a famous European-inspired bakery in Seattle? Exactly. But they're so famous that it's a big deal when they roll up at stops throughout the US-- like the Peach Truck. So, when we got the tip that the P.P. truck was gonna be in our area, we were intrigued. Here's how it works: Guests select their best-selling pies online at piroshkybakery.com ahead of their visit. Their piroshky is then hand-made and made-to-order. Then the item is flash frozen and then delivered for pick up on the event day. Feelin' like the Piroshky Police is gonna bust us if we don't order properly! Anywho, if P.P. ain't comin' your way-- make your own. Taylor's Piroshki *courtesy of allrecipes Ingredients: 1 ½ pounds ground beef 1 onion, finely chopped 1 teaspoon salt ground black pepper to taste dried dill weed to taste 1 (.25 ounce) package active dry yeast ¼ cup warm water 1 cup milk 3 eggs ½ cup vegetable oil 2 tablespoons granulated sugar 1 teaspoon salt 4 cups all-purpose flour 3 cups oil for frying Instructions: In a medium skillet over medium heat, cook the ground beef until evenly browned; drain. Stir in the onion and cook with the beef until translucent. Sprinkle in salt, pepper and dill weed to taste. Allow to cool before using. Dissolve the yeast in the 1/4 cup of warm water and place in a warm location until frothy, about 10 to 15 minutes. In a medium saucepan over low heat, warm the milk and gently whisk in the eggs, oil, sugar and salt. Remove from heat. Place half the flour in a large mixing bowl and gradually stir in the milk mixture. Then add the yeast solution alternately with the remaining flour, stirring after each addition. Mix well. Knead until the dough forms a ball and does not stick to the bowl. (Note: Start with the 4 cups of flour. You may need to add more, a little at a time, as you knead the dough). Cover the bowl with a clean cloth. Set in a warm location and allow to rise until doubled in volume. Remove dough from bowl and place on a lightly floured surface. Pinch off pieces approximately the size of golf balls. Roll the pieces into disks about 3 1/2 to 4 inches in diameter. Fill center of each disk with a heaping tablespoon of the cooled meat mixture. Fold disks over the mixture and firmly pinch edges to seal. Arrange on a flat surface and allow to sit approximately 10 minutes. In a large, heavy skillet or deep fryer, heat the oil to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Deep fry the piroshki in batches until golden brown on one side; gently turn and fry the other side. Remove and let drain on a plate lined with paper towels. Can someone make these for us? Because we're too damned tired to do all this "homemade/scratch made" stuff... |
AuthorThe cracked Crack Wise Staff-- warriors of the Funformation Movement. Archives
January 2024
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