Funformation
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Who knew murder could be so delicious? Agatha Christie. Not only did this OG cook up murder mysteries, she cooked up some tasty dishes, too. Superfan Karen Pierce has combined those two things in her cookbook: Recipes for Murder: 66 Dishes That Celebrate the Mysteries of Agatha Christie (available wherever you prefer to get your books). Recipes include Fish and Chips at the Seven Dials Club, Literary Luncheon Meringues, Sixpence Blackbird Pie, and more. You'll learn how to make a to-die-for omelet, how to serve perfectly-timed steak frites, how to roast a leg of lamb, etc. All dishes are traditional to their respective eras. Maybe you could throw a themed party. But exclude the actual murder part... Here's a drink inspired by Ms. Agatha's work. It's based on Detective Hercule Poirot, who has a hankering for creme de menthe. StingerIngredients: 2 oz cognac 1 oz crème de menthe Instructions: Add ingredients to a cocktail shaker filled with ice. Shake well and strain into an Old Fashioned glass with fresh ice.
Not sure we've ever pondered this topic: Which cities in the U.S. are most vulnerable for rats?
​ ​We know. Apparently, Pest Gnome wanted to do a dirty deep-dive on the topic and uncovered that rats love taking a bite out of the Big Apple. Is anyone really surprised here? The filth. The garbage. The essence of the City that Never Sleeps. Duh. L.A. is second followed by Jersey City. Cong-rats? ​ Thanks, Pet Gnome, for the nightmare fuel. We Crack Wise-rs are gonna have a little fun with this. ​ Rat Bait
*recipe courtesy of mouthsofmums.com
​ Ingredients: (serves 4) 1 loaf sliced bread 2 cups grated cheese 2 cups bacon pieces 2 eggs to taste salt and pepper to taste mixed herbs butter to butter one side of the bread Instructions: Mix the cheese, bacon pieces, salt and pepper, mixed herbs and egg in a big bowl. Toast one side of the bread, once that is done butter the other side and place on the mixture to all corners. Bake in a moderate oven until the mixture is golden brown. ​ This just landed in our inbox. The launch of a new app that we're not so sure many of us will be able to "stomach." 80bites from PhysicalMind Institute. It's an app that will diagnose any person's stomach size and hunger levels. Sounds weirdly invasive... “With or without Ozempic®, reducing stomach size is the first step to losing weight and ending disordered eating," says Joan Breibart, President of PhysicalMind Institute. So, size does count... Not only is 65% of the population obese, we have a duty as Americans to control our stomach. "Every patriotic citizen regardless of weight or waistline needs to download this free app to see if they are too hungry and thus overeating. The stomach doesn’t know a cookie from some kale. Overconsumption is fueling global warming." What the what? So, how does this app work? Measures Stomach Capacity which dictates Hunger Levels and Gut hormone imbalances. Crack Wise-dom: We don't need any dic.. tating. Be kind. Introduces Sam Stomach who makes you laugh so much you stop overeating. Crack Wise-dom: We have a feeling Sam Stomach is some kind of creeper. Gives you actionable information after only one 80Bites experience. Crack Wise-dom: What happens if we take 81bites? Provides personal coaching with Joan Breibart herself, available through the website. Crack Wise-dom: But will she make us laugh like Sam? Otherwise, we out. The app is free if you wanna give it a bite. Here are two polar opposite reviews. We know, thanks for the help... Grapes are good for you. So wine should be considered a healthy drink, according to our Crack Wisedom. I mean, we're not wrong necessarily. In fact, wine is so awesome, there's these two dudes called the World Wine Guys-- Mike DeSimone and Jeff Jenssen-- and they've written a book called WHITE WINE: The Comprehensive Guide to the 50 Essential Varieties & Styles. It's a follow-up to their red wine guide. Hold up. There are 50 different white wines? We thought there were three: dry, sweet, and sweeter. (We'll take the latter two choices, by the way...) Each chapter in the book surveys one grape or blend, what to expect in the glass (You have expectations? We just want a sweet buzz.) and suggested food pairings. For you sommeliers in the making that want to upgrade from your Franzia box of wine, this life-changing guide is for you. We know. How dramatic and over-sell-y we're behaving. Here's something you can pair with a sweet white wine. Because we aren't fancy and can't even swirl, smell or detect any "notes" in a wine. Shrimp Patties Recipe with Aioli*recipe courtesy of aspiringwinos.com Ingredients: For the Shrimp patties: 1.5 Pounds colossal tiger shrimps (De-shelled, de-veined) 1 cup roughly chopped parsley ¼ cup Mayonnaise 1.5 tbsp Dijon Mustard Paste ½ tbsp Paprika 1 tsp Onion Powder 1 tbsp Minced Garlic 2 medium eggs ½ cup Parmesan (or more) ½ cup oats flour (or more) ¼ cup Extra Virgin Olive Oil (For pan frying the patties) Salt (to taste) For the Aioli: ½ cup mayonnaise ½ tsp Paprika 1 tbsp Dijon mustard paste ½ tsp Minced Garlic Instructions: How to make the Shrimp Patties: Begin by cleaning & rinsing the shrimps. If using frozen shrimps, defrost them & bring them to room temperature. Chop the shrimp into small pieces. Add chopped parsley, mayo, dijon mustard paste, salt, paprika powder, eggs, chopped garlic, onion powder & Oats flour and give everything a good mix. Finally, add the parmesan cheese and mix everything well. If you feel the batter is too slimy add a bit more oats flour to bind it well. Heat your favorite skillet over medium low flame, brush oil or drizzle oil. In the meantime, form patty shapes with a scoop of shrimp batter with the help of your palm (you may grease your palms for ease) or scoop out each patty with the help of a cookie scoop. Gently drop them on the hot pan & press them gently to flatten or give a patty shape. Flip sides, cook until golden over medium low or medium heat. When the patty is fully cooked give that char look and add more crispiness by searing them over medium high heat for a couple of mins (both sides). Serve hot! How to make the Aioli: In a clean bowl take mayo and add mustard paste, paprika, salt & chopped garlic. Mix well. Aioli is ready. Serve with the shrimp patties. It's going down this weekend-- the official Royal Coronation of King Charles III on the other side of the pond. ParrotPrint.com has done a deep dive into all of the King's favorite things. (Hopefully, there won't be any favorite things along the lines of what Prince Phillip was into...) Many Brits and royal fanatics will be hosting their own coronation celebrations. Here's a little breakdown of what Chuck likes: Charles and his lady love, Camilla, have chosen quiche as their meal de crown (we made that up). So, if you plan to party like a royal-- here's the recipe. Don't know if you'll be sitting on your "throne" afterwards (beans are involved), but here we go. Royal Coronation Quiche Ingredients: Pastry: 1 cup all-purpose flour pinch of salt 1/8 cup cold butter, diced 1/8 cup lard 2 tablespoons milk Filling: 1/2 cup milk 3/4 cup (heavy) cream 2 medium eggs 1 tablespoon chopped fresh tarragon 1 cup grated cheddar cheese 6 oz cooked spinach, lightly chopped 2 oz cooked broad beans (fava beans) or soya beans Instructions: To make the pastry, sift the flour and salt into a bowl. Add the fats and rub the mixture together using your fingertips until you get a sandy, breadcrumb like texture. Add the milk a little at a time and bring the ingredients together into a dough. Cover and allow to rest in the fridge for 30 to 45 minutes. Lightly flour the work surface and roll out the pastry to a circle a little larger than the top of the tin and approximately 5 mm thick. Line the tin with the pastry, taking care not to have any holes or the mixture could leak. Cover and rest for a further 30 minutes in the fridge. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Line the pastry pan with parchment paper. Add pie weights and bake blind for 15 minutes, before removing the parchment paper and baking beans. Reduce the oven temperature to 320 degrees F. Beat together the milk, cream, eggs, herbs and seasoning. Scatter half of the grated cheese in the blind-baked base, top with the chopped spinach and beans and herbs, then pour over the liquid mixture. Sprinkle over the remaining cheese. Place into the oven and bake for 20 to 25 minutes until set and lightly golden. There's nothing worse than a pain in the butt. A chicken butt, that is. Personally, we don't like dealing with the rear business of a bird. That's where the Turbo Trusser comes in to help keep things locked and loaded and juicy. We think this looks like some strange device you'd find at the gyno's office, but if it gets the job done.... on the chicken, we mean... Here's a tasty fowl recipe for your newly-purchased Turbo Trusser, courtesy of, well, T. T. Rotisserie Chicken Ingredients: A whole chicken (about 4 pounds) 1 chicken Turbo Trusser Shaker of your favorite rub Instructions: Rinse the chicken inside and out in cold running water. Drain. Pat dry on the cutting board. Cut off any excess fat. Combine olive oil, kosher salt, ground black pepper, and garlic in a small bowl. Mix well and set aside. Preheat your oven or grill to 350℉. Attach the Turbo Trusser to the chicken. Sprinkle your favorite rub on the outside and inside of the chicken. Gently pat it in. Insert the Rotisserie through the chicken and Turbo Trusser. Put it on the grill and rotisserie for 1 to 1.5 hours or until it reaches an internal temperature of 165 degrees. How's your cube game looking? When we think "cubes" we think of "ice", or "Rubik's" or perhaps "cheese." And if we're old school, we're still using ice cube trays. Imagine Ice cube trays of all cube sizes, and not just for use in the freezer. How 'bout cubing things in the oven, too? We know. Mind. Blown. Think of the possibilities: pre-portioned foods like chilis, stews, soups, meatloaves, and more stored in the freezer in non-wastable-sized portions, then popped in the oven for delicious goodness. Souper Cubes come in 2 cups, 1 cup, 1/2 cup, and 2 tablespoon portions. The 100% food-grade silicone containers are BPA free and can be frozen or baked up to 415 degrees F. Nifty! Well, if we're gonna impulse buy this, we're gonna put it to good use. Here's a tasty recipe from Souper Cubes. No Bake Cookies and Cream Cheesecake Ice Cream Bars Ingredients: Cookie Crust: 20 Oreo cookies 1 stick (½ cup) unsalted butter, melted Filling: 12 Oreo cookies 16 ounces (2 packages) cream cheese, at room temperature ¼ cup granulated sugar ¼ cup powdered sugar 1 tablespoon lemon juice ½ teaspoon vanilla extract ⅛ teaspoon salt 2 cups cold heavy cream Instructions: To prepare crust: Add 20 Oreo cookies to the bowl of a food processor. Blend, scraping down the sides of the bowl as necessary, until fine crumbs form. Drizzle in ½ cup melted butter and pulse until the mixture looks like wet sand. Set aside. To prepare filling: Place 12 Oreo cookies in a zip top bag and crush with a meat mallet, rolling pin, or heavy glass. Set aside. Beat 16 oz (2 packages) cream cheese, ¼ cup sugar, ¼ cup powdered sugar, 1 Tbsp, ½ teaspoon vanilla extract, and ⅛ teaspoon salt in the bowl of a stand mixer with the paddle attachment or in a large bowl with a hand mixer until fully incorporated and resembling a paste. If using a stand mixer, swap the paddle attachment for the whisk attachment. Add 2 cups heavy cream to the cream cheese mixture in the bowl. Whisk on low until combined, then increase the speed to medium and mix until the filling is whipped, 3 to 4 minutes. Stir in the reserved bag of crushed Oreo cookies. To assemble cheesecakes: Place a small amount of the cookie crust mixture to just cover the bottom of the Souper Cubes tray wells. Pat down the crust with the back of a spoon, a small rubber spatula, or a clean finger. Top with the cheesecake filling and spread evenly across the crust. Place a lid on each tray and freeze overnight. They don't call it the "great outdoors" for nothing. Camping really grew in popularity during the lockdown, and it's not losing any steam. LawnLove crunched the numbers to find the best places to leave conveniences behind and connect with nature. They compared the 50 states based on 25 metrics, such as campsite access, acreage, and trails.They also considered safety, supplies, camper satisfaction, and affordability. The West Coast-- California and Washington-- take the top two spots. But... you need to be a real-deal camper to enjoy the experience. Both states lack phone coverage and have high rates of park deaths. California holds the record for the most park deaths between 2010 and 2020 at 300. Always check the weather before venturing out, and bring enough water to last your journey. Let's not turn into a Lifetime movie, okay? Perhaps you just want to camp near your current homestead, or even in the backyard. We vote for backyard camping because we're going to end up sleeping inside. Anywho, here's a tasty campfire breakfast you can whip up, courtesy of Fresh Off the Grid. Sausage Breakfast Sandwiches Ingredients: SAUSAGE PATTIES 1 pound ground pork 2 teaspoons dried herbs: thyme, rosemary, sage, etc 1 teaspoon salt SRIRACHA HONEY SAUCE ½ cup honey 2 tablespoons Sriracha SANDWICH ASSEMBLY 6 eggs 6 slices cheese 6 English muffins Instructions: PREP THE SAUSAGES: Mix the ground pork, herbs, and salt in a large bowl until thoroughly combined. Form into 6 equal sized patties, keeping in mind that they will shrink slightly while cooking. PREP THE SAUCE: Combine the honey and sriracha in a small bowl and stir together. Set aside. COOK: Heat a griddle or skillet over your campfire or stove top. Once hot, place the sausages on the surface and cook until browned, 2-3 minutes. Flip and cook the other side until browned, 2-3 minutes more. Meanwhile, cook the eggs as desired and toast the English muffins. ASSEMBLE & SERVE: Spread the Sriracha honey sauce on the English muffins, then layer with a sausage patty, egg, and slice of cheese. Is anybody really surprised that California is THE place for wine in the U.S.? Of course not. Is anyone surprised that Napa is the #1 wine county in Cali? Again, nope. LawnStarter has the breakdown on how to properly do a California wine tour, in case you're interested. In the meantime, if you can't enjoy the finer wines from the West-- crack open your favorite under-20-bucks brand and enjoy this dip with it. At least you'll feel a little bit bougie. Crab Rangoon Dip*recipe courtesy of BakeMeSomeSugar.com Ingredients: 4 oz cream cheese softened 1/4 cup greek yogurt 3 Tablespoons mayonnaise 8 oz crab meat or as desired 1 cup cheddar cheese 1/2 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce 1/2 teaspoon soy sauce 1 1/2 teaspoons sesame oil or to taste 1 teaspoon dehydrated garlic to taste - Salt or 1/4 cup parmesan cheese your preference (do not add both) Hot sauce to taste Green onions optional garnish 3 cups oil of choice peanut or vegetable 1 package wonton wrappers Instructions: Preheat oven to 350F. Then grease your baking dish and set it aside. Then combine your Greek yogurt, cream cheese, mayo, and 1/2 cup of cheese, soy sauce, sesame oil, Worcestershire sauce, garlic, and your hot sauce. Feel free to taste and adjust seasoning to your liking. Next fold in your crab meat. Once well mixed, pour the dip into the oven-safe dish and top with your leftover shredded cheese. Bake for 10 minutes, or until your cheese is slightly golden brown. While the dip is baking, start working on your wonton chips. Heat oil in a deep fryer or a heavy pot (like a dutch oven). Or opt for the air fryer method below. Slice wonton wrappers into triangles (Cut in half diagonally) then fry a few at a time in the hot oil. Make sure they have room and flip after 30 seconds on one side. Place cooked wonton chips on a plate that is lined with a paper towel. Pull hot crab dip from oven, garnish with sliced green onions and serve with wonton chips. Air Fryer Wontons | Prep your wontons as directed and spritz with oil. Place in your air fryer, in a single layer. Heat at 350 degrees for 2-3 minutes, and then flip and cook until they are evenly browned. Pizza is a staple. We love it. We eat it for breakfast. We eat it after a night of cocktailing. We debate the toppings, crust thickness, and who's got the best pie. Well, we know that NYC is always going to top the list for pizza lovers. But let's talk about dessert pizza. Imagine eating a pie, having a dessert pie, and then... Anywho, we turn to our friends at Pillsbury for this sweet, happy ending. Chocolate-Hazelnut Pizza Ingredients: 1 can (13.8 oz) refrigerated Pillsbury™ Classic Crust Pizza Crust 1/2 cup hazelnut spread with cocoa 1/4 cup dark chocolate chips 2 tablespoons semisweet chocolate chips 2 tablespoons white vanilla baking chips 1 teaspoon vegetable oil 1/4 cup hazelnuts (filberts), toasted, skins removed, chopped Instructions: Heat oven to 400°F. Grease 12-inch pizza pan with shortening, or spray with cooking spray. Unroll dough in pan. Starting at center, press out dough with hands, forming 1/2-inch rim. Bake 12 to 15 minutes or until golden brown. Immediately spread with hazelnut spread; sprinkle with dark chocolate and semisweet chocolate chips. Bake 1 to 2 minutes longer or just until chocolate begins to melt. In small microwavable bowl, microwave white vanilla baking chips and vegetable oil uncovered on High 30 to 60 seconds, stirring every 15 seconds, until melted. Sprinkle hazelnuts on pizza. Drizzle with melted white chips. Cool 5 minutes. Cut into wedges. Serve warm. In case you're curious, here's some other pizza stats courtesy of LawnStarter. |
AuthorThe cracked Crack Wise Staff-- warriors of the Funformation Movement. Archives
January 2024
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