Did you miss the holiday on February 22nd? Not the “I-dumped-my-significant other-after-I-got-the-Valentine’s-gifts-I-wanted” holiday. The 22nd was National Margarita Day!
Why don’t we have this day off? Seriously. Perhaps you couldn’t indulge because it was a weekday and adulting, blah, blah, bah. Our Crack Wise-dom has us thinking we should margarita more now through Cinco de Mayo. That’s, what—a good two-ish solid months of perfecting our Cinco de Drinko game?
Here’s a recipe to get your started.
Peach Sriracha Margarita
1.5 oz. Island Oasis Aseptic Peach
1 oz. Island Oasis Margarita Mix
2.5 oz water (for dilution)
1 oz. Tequila (or more)
1/2 t. Sriracha
Shake ingredients with ice: strain over clean ice and serve.
*don’t know if this one’s gonna burn—in and out
Look. You’ve already eaten everything. Every. Single. Thing. Now what in the af are we going to snack on? Molly Bz knows what’s what.
These ain’t your granny’s cookies. These are giant alcohol-infused cookies.
Some choices include:
Hot Mess: made with tequila and Hot Cheetos
Maple and Bacon: infused with whiskey
Jalapeno Margarita: candied jalapenos and tequila, chocolate chips.
Get ‘em by the flight, or join the Cookie of the Month Club.
Everybody needs a cookie in their mouth...
Your neighborhood Karen can call the city if your lawn gets too high. Thank goodness she can’t call if your personal garden needs weeding.
LawnStarter is not the chia pet of personal growth. They’re a legit lawn care company. But they decided to do a little survey about our personal grooming practices.
What did they find in the bushes?
Hair to Stay: While some personal grooming habits have slipped during the pandemic, generally people have maintained their trimming and shaping. Roughly 51% of all women and 59% of all men describe their pandemic body hair as either a “managed forest” or a “well-manicured garden.”
Crack Wise Wonders: What about a rock with some moss on top?
The Pruning Never Stops: What are the most popular grooming areas? For women it’s armpits, with 69% of respondents purging their pits. The most popular grooming region for men is, of course, the face at 78%. Beards and mustaches are in, and, besides, the scruff just never quits.
Crack Wise Wonders: Mustache for men… but what about a Southern Comfort mustache for women? Would that be like kissing grandpa?
Just Don’t Go There: For both women and men, the groin, pubes, and genitals are obviously the most sensitive areas for trimming. But after these three nether regions, answers diverged. The next most sensitive area for men was the nose (really?) and for women the arms and face. It isn’t easy being hairy.
Crack Wise Wonders: We. Can’t. The word “pubes” is just… ick. Can we call it “love floss” instead?
Here’s the low down on the down low lawn…
Keto lovers may have turned a back on carbs, but many Crack Wise-ians embrace them like a Siamese twin (don’t really know what that means, but you’re feelin’ it.) That is why we shed a tear of joy when Einstein Bros. Bagels announced their newest menu item:
The Texas Brisket Egg Sandwich
Did you all hear that heavenly orchestral music, or was it just us?
This complete foodgasm is all about slow-smoked beef brisket, cheddar cheese, “fried” egg, and smoky chipotle sauce on a jalapeno bacon bagel.
A hearty, to-go breakfast is here. And so is a nap for us…
*Available 2/25 for a limited time
Kids love to help out in the kitchen when they’re little—because they want to be grown. When they grow up, some run from the thought of cooking. But others? Your child might be the next MasterChef Junior!
Raddish is a cooking club for kids, with monthly culinary fun delivered to your doorstep. Each membership comes with a monthly cooking kit, bonus recipes and activities, and an online community. You’ll get a new kit each month, with perks!
Pretty rad, no?
A year-long subscription is $20—the best savings, but you can go month-to-month if you like.
Here’s a recipe your kid can make for the family for Valentine’s Day. Get ‘em started young!
Breakfast in Bed
Heart-shaped cookie cutter
1 piece of bread
1 Tbsp butter
Use a cookie cutter to cut a heart from a slice of bread. Melt butter in a skillet over medium heat. Add bread to pan and cook 1 minute. Crack egg inside and cook 2-3 minutes. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Flip and cook 1-4 minutes.
True Aussie Beef and Lamb—no, this is not some new band, though it could make for an interesting alt rock name—hosted some virtual dinner party to break the Guinness World Record for the largest virtual dinner party in history.
We assume they achieved their goal, and we’re too lazy to Google the info, because let’s get to the heart of this here blog post--food.
These fine folks are proud of their beef… and their lamb… so here’s a delish sounding recipe you could try. Or bribe someone to make for you because it sounds complicated to the Crack Wise Staff.
Beef Barbacoa Tacos
Portion size: 2 tacos
Alternate cuts: Any grassfed beef cut
All-purpose BBQ rub:
1 cup paprika
2 teaspoons chili powder
2 teaspoons cayenne
1/2 cup black pepper
2 teaspoons smoked paprika
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1/4 cup dried oregano
1/2 cup fine sea salt
1/2 cup garlic powder
1/4 cup granulated sugar
1 orange, zested and juiced
2 limes, zested and juiced
2 teaspoons all-purpose BBQ rub or other meat rub
1/2 tablespoon puréed canned chipotle in adobo
1 teaspoon minced garlic
1 teaspoon chopped fresh cilantro leaves
1 1/2 pounds trimmed Australian grassfed skirt steak
8 corn tortillas
one 15 ounce can black beans, drained and rinsed
1 cup pico de gallo
1/2 cup Cotija cheese, crumbled
For the rub: In a large bowl, combine all the ingredients and break up any excess lumps. Store in an airtight container, in a cool, dry place, such as your cupboard.
For the tacos: In a large bowl, combine the citrus juices and zests, BBQ rub, chipotle, garlic and cilantro for a marinade. Coat the skirt steak in the marinade and refrigerate for 2 hours or overnight.
To cook: Preheat the grill over HIGH heat. Remove the skirt steak from the marinade, wiping off any excess. Grill the steak for 8 minutes, turning every 2 minutes, or until it reaches the desired doneness. Allow it to rest for 5 minutes, then slice the steak into thin strips.
To serve: Heat the tortillas over the grill to soften. Divide the skirt steak evenly among the tortillas. Top each tortilla with 3 tablespoons black beans, 2 tablespoons pico de gallo, and 1 tablespoon cotija cheese. Serve immediately.
*recipe courtesy of: Chef Adam Moore
Let’s just call this bit of funformation “keeping tabs.” Every year, the CandyStore.com crunches (Nestle?) the information and reveals the Valentine’s candy each state loves. Sometimes, this data can be disappointing. Hopefully, your state isn’t a complete loser.
Spending on Valentine’s candy is projected to be down 20-percent this year (another reason to hate COVID). Maybe we should take our stimulus checks and…
Conversation hearts are back up there in popularity. Yay? Probs because you can read lips anymore, so why not read a candy heart? And M&Ms are a classic that remains strong in our hearts.
Some other facts to gnosh on (get it?):
47% of people said they will buy themselves a box of chocolates this year.
58 million pounds of chocolate are bought during Valentine’s Day week.
The peak selling period for conversation hearts is only 6 weeks long. Wow!
It takes manufacturers 11 months to produce enough for those 6 weeks.
Vodka infused with candy remained popular with conversation hearts last year.
Children receive 39 percent of all Valentine’s Day candy and gifts (hopefully, it’s not the vodka-infused candy—unless mom and dad need a break…)
Here’s what you should do, Crack Wiseians: wait until 2/15 and hit up the store and buy all the discounted V Day candy. Saving money, and stimulating the economy.
We. Just. Can’t. With some of the story ideas we’ve been pitched. Like this recent email we received with the subject line:
The Truth About “Winter Vagina”
Excuse me? We didn’t know lady parts had seasons. We were pitched an expert to speak on such matters and myths surrounding winter vagina. There’s no way we’re responding. But we did find this juicy tidbit from The Sun, who interviewed Dr. Jen Gunter about this winter-vaj-thing:
“… no one worries about winter butthole, because the air outside the body doesn’t really impact the dryness in our internal pockets. She notes that it’s pretty tricky for winter weather to impact the vagina, ‘which is inside your body and underneath clothes’, unless you were to go ahead and shove ice up there (not a good idea). The vagina is a self-cleaning, self-regulating haven that pretty much takes care of itself. You don’t need to warm it or cool it – it’s already at its optimal temperature. You don’t need to clean it – the vagina does that itself. The same goes for self-lubrication and discharge – that happens thanks to the vagina’s internal ecosystem, not the outside environment.”
We can unsee this. Especially “winter butthole”.
Glad we could put this all on ice…
Yeah. Bad pun.
Here are some other rando thoughts about winter jay:
Does it come with a muffler? (wink, wink)
Is this a gyno version of Game of Thrones?
Who’s riding down this slope?
The cracked Crack Wise Staff-- warriors of the Funformation Movement.