We’ve thrown in the towel. That #COVID15 may easily turn into that #COVID32 the next time you step on the scale. At least we’re being honest about it. The average American plans on gaining seven pounds over the holidays. Plans on it.
Kudos! Why start a diet now? Well, some media type sent the Crack Wise staff a story pitch on what Thanksgiving dishes to avoid eating if you don’t want any more belly fat.
Who is this heathen? Dr. Myles Spar, chief medical officer of Vault Health. He recommends we avoid these five sides if we don’t want and extra roll on our sides:
Stuffing - You’re essentially chowing down on bread, butter, and sometimes sausage. Did I mention butter? And if you use the packaged stuffing, know that it’s designed to STUFF you full of salt, trans fats, and overly processed junk.
Crack Wise-dom: Your point?
Pumpkin Pie - Perhaps a more obvious answer since it’s a dessert, but pumpkin pie has more ingredients than just healthy pumpkin. The crust’s butter and flour, along with cream and sugar required for the filling, make for a large dose of saturated fat and calories.
Crack Wise-dom: So eating the whipped cream (which usually goes with the horrible, bad-for-me pie) straight from the can is a thumbs-up?
Mashed potatoes - As with many Thanksgiving side dishes, the main culprits in mashed potatoes are the add-ins (in this case, whole milk and butter). Some recipes even call for cream cheese or shredded cheese too. Try going easy on the butter and use low-fat milk to keep the nutritionals in check.
Crack Wise-dom: We can’t allow a cow to go unfulfilled by not eating her delicious products like cheese. Why you be hatin’ on cows?
Dark turkey meat with skin - Dark turkey meat contains too much fat to be considered a lean, healthy meat— even more so when the fatty skin is left on. I know, it’s a delicious part of your Thanksgiving meal, but try swapping a piece for white meat and your belly will thank you later.
Crack Wise-dom: Racist.
Biscuits - Without any healthy tweaks, biscuits are essentially flour, baking powder, salt, butter, and milk or cream. That’s a large number of calories for little nutritional value and little satiety. And chances are, you’re topping that biscuit with butter, gravy, or jelly.
Crack Wise-dom: Chances are, we give zero effs, so…
In conclusion: Thanks, but no thanks. Bring on the Spanx!
P.S. Is this doctor working on his next career move as a comedian?
How many people are coming over for Thanksgiving? How many people are allowed to come over? Well, if you want to celebrate all things turkey with a few peeps—or maybe on your own without the prying eyes of Big Brother—why not do Thanksgiving outdoors?
Instead of chestnuts roasting on an open fire, why not Mr. Gobbles? Okay. Not Mr. Gobbles—because he sounds like a Disney character gone astray. Roast some random sketchy turkey on an open fire.
And it’s not too difficult... but we’re gonna need help. Because our traditional Turkey Day role is drinking the wine and making a side dish that is un-mess-upable.
Campfire Roasted Thanksgiving Turkey
12 pound-ish turkey
Black pepper (freshly medium ground)
Your favorite turkey seasonings (thyme, sage, garlic, onion, etc.)
Method 1: Large Dutch Oven (not farting under a blanket)
Wire rack to keep turkey off floor of Dutch Oven
Remote reading cooking thermometer
Method 2: Cheesecloth
Start a campfire with hardwood logs like oak, hickory, hard maple, etc. Let it burn for at least an hour to develop a large supply of glowing coals. Alternately, you can start charcoal briquettes in a large starter chimney. It will take about 15-20 minutes for the charcoal to turn grey and be ready for cooking.
Make sure the turkey is completely thawed. Rub oil thoroughly on exterior and interior of turkey. Sprinkle liberally with salt, pepper, and other seasonings. If you have whole leaf herbs you wish to use, place them inside the cavity of the bird. For food safety, it’s most often recommended these days you do not stuff the bird. An apple, peeled orange, onion, etc. loosely placed in the cavity for flavor is fine, but it’s recommended you do not stuff the bird with traditional dressing; cook that separately on the side.
Method 1: You need an extremely large Dutch Oven. You should ensure with the rack in the bottom to elevate the bird, the turkey does not contact the sides or the lid of the vessel. There are some extra deep Dutch Ovens with tall lids out there, but even with one of these it can be a close fit. Remember, the Dutch Oven is made to evenly heat its contents all around (just like you’re oven at home). Contact with the cast iron by the bird inhibits the system.
Assuming you find a Dutch Oven large enough, the rest is pretty simple. Place the turkey in the Dutch Oven, insert the probe of the thermometer into the center of the breast meat making sure it does not contact any bone. String the thermometer’s lead out to the sending unit and place the cover tightly on the Dutch Oven (Camp Chef Dutch Ovens have a special hole in the rim of the lid to accommodate the thermometer lead).
Place coals below and on top of the Dutch oven and replenish as they turn to ash. A 12-pound turkey will take about three hours to cook this way, but watch the read out! Remove when the internal temp hits 165 F, then allow the bird to rest, covered, for about 20 minutes before you begin to carve.
Method 2: While the campfire is burning to coals, dig a hole six inches larger than the turkey all the way around.
Wrap the oiled, seasoned turkey generously with cheesecloth, then with four layers of aluminum foil sealing as tightly as possible.
Rake or shovel two inches of coals (or charcoal) into the bottom of the pit. Make sure you’re getting coals and not ash. Place the wrapped bird on top of them. Fill in the space around the bird with coals to about two inches above the bird, then top off the pit with earth.
Time three hours, then remove the soil and ash on top of the package. Insert the probe of the thermometer through the foil and cheesecloth to check the internal temp of the breast. If it’s at least 165 F, then carefully remove the bird from the pit and set aside for 20 minutes of rest. If it’s not up to temp, leave the probe in place and carefully recover with fresh coals and earth. When up to temp, remove and rest.
After resting, carefully open pack and begin carving.
*recipe courtesy of 50campfires.com
*Or, you can order pizza and take that to the campground. All of 2020 has been non-traditional, so…
Balloons are cool. The long ones can be made into animals. The shiny ones distract us from whatever nonsense is going on around us. You can ride in really big ones. But in our hearts we need a balloon that speaks to us. That understands we’re not average.
Oh, yeah! Badass Balloon Company is our people. Cuz we roll with a lot of ‘tude. And these balloons give us style points, because we exist in the -15 on the style scale.
These are fancy balloons, y’all. So get your Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah turnt up—even if it’s just you and your fur baby and your same yoga pants you’ve been wearing since lockdown…
Desiree Ontiveros is the mastermistress behind Badass. She’s a former fashion publicist, which means “she knows stuff”.
Check out all the décor kits, party décor, new arrivals, etc… Who knew there were so many balloon occasions?
Can we get a Crack-Wise-broke-the-snark-world-record kit, or the we-ate-all-the-Chips-Ahoy-cookies-in-five-minutes balloon pairing?
P.S. Seriously, though, think how cool your next Zoom meeting could look? Or your NASCAR party...
Something happens when you have a family-- the need to wear matching outfits for pictures. Perhaps it’s in the genes. Or jeans is this case.
If you’re in the family way, then PatPat is your match match pal.
The upside: the styles are cute and affordable. And we’re mostly still rockin’ loungewear anyways, so…
Besides loungewear, PatPat offers cozy sweaters, tights, frills and ruffles. So you can show off your casual style for one holiday, or chic style for another.
Or, choose your next cult wear. We're just sayin' that cult wear could use a little... something...
You can’t be average in anything, ever. Not even average when you’re slathering sanitizer on your hands.
Why use that sus sanitizer for lower-class, working slobs when you can clean-pinkies-in-the-air with designer sanitizer? And… even the luxury sanitizers are slapping each other around.
Noshinku claims they're the OG of the luxury sanitizer game—and the best.
Why Noshinku? Because your inner basic bitch wants to. Plus these reasons:
Light scent of bergamot (Just say citrus, you pretentious fool.)
No tackiness + quick drying (The only tacky thing is our clothing choice)
GORGEOUSLY designed packaging (Y’all know how important one’s package presentation is)
A 3-pack of the above-pictured product is $24. Won’t that cut into your latte budget?
Ups and downs are a part of life. So when you find yourself in the down, get up.
Deborah Ann Davis is an award-winning author, parenting skills coach, and former teacher. Oh, and she wrote the book “How to Get Your Happy On”. Overachiever… Pfft.
She’s got a few tips on how we can get our happy back.
Tip #1: Take care of your body
Eat healthily, stay active every day, and drink water. Every pro-choice we make for our bodies have an automatic mini power boost associated with it.
Crack Wise-dom: We put the lotion on our body or else we get the hose again…
Tip #2: Count your blessings
List 3 good things about you, your day, your surroundings, your family, your job, etc. Take note of the good in the people and things around you. Be thankful for every detail.
Crack Wise-dom: 1. We didn’t eat all the Oreos. 2. We walked from the kitchen to the couch several times today. 3. We didn’t doomscroll for an hour.
Tip #3: Do something for someone else
Any kindness is important, even something as seemingly insignificant as smiling at a person or even simply saying hello.
Crack Wise-dom: We didn’t tell our incompetent Uncle Larry to “f*ck off”, so… win!
Tip #4: Volunteer and/or donate
Find something that you enjoy (a passion or hobby) and turn it into something you can do to benefit others, such as delving meals to those in need, volunteering at an animal shelter or donating to your local hospital, elderly center, schools or homeless shelters.
Crack Wise-dom: Crack Wise staffer Eric “shakes hands with the unemployed” every day. We caught him on a Zoom meeting…
Tip #5: Stay in the Moment
Instead of worrying about the future, or obsessing over something in the past, focus on what you can do today, what you can enjoy today, or what you can listen to today. Center yourself. Meditate. Do a hobby or a puzzle. Spend time with your family. Whatever it be, focus on that moment.
Crack Wise-dom: We’re pros at this. Because we’re unmotivated to plan for the future.
The cracked Crack Wise Staff-- warriors of the Funformation Movement.