Funformation
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Apparently, we’re not doing it well enough. And while this could apply to many things, we just don’t eat the right way. Meaning, “gulp and go” isn’t good for us. Health and Wellness expert Dr. Julie Gatza has some wise tips for healthy eating. Of course, we share our Crack Wise-dom that’s just as valid, if not professional (or helpful.) Eat only when you’re hungry: Many people eat when they're not even hungry. They eat because they think they should eat: its lunchtime. Or, they have to eat because they're on a schedule at work. Forced eating starts early, with our kids. We make them sit down and eat with us. But if we were living in Nature, foraging for our foods, we would eat only when we were hungry. Crack Wise-dom: But what if we are hungry all the time? What if we have a tapeworm? Should we neglect Walter the Worm? PETA will be up our ass like the worm… Don't mix food types / Eat foods in the proper order: It is preferable to eat foods of one type all at the same time. Have meats first, slowly, which will allow the brain to trigger production of the body's strongest digestive enzymes, the proteases. Add a little salad, and after 15 minutes, eat your potato. 20 minutes after the potato is gone, fruits or sugared desserts are okay to eat. Crack Wise-dom: What in the af? Who has an hour to eat? The proper order is: Lemme shove this food in my mouth, or I’ll eat your arm… Chew 22 times - including protein drinks: Many people gulp down those big protein drinks thinking it's a good thing to do, but the reality is it's like swallowing a steak, whole. You have to chew protein, or the signals to the brain won't be there. If you don't chew along the way, you're shocking the system. Crack Wise-dom: Really? That stuff will be naturally broken down with saliva before the fifth chew. Should I chew my ice cream, too? It’s real attractive when your shake is dribbling from the corners of your mouth because you need to “chew” it. In summation: She’s the expert. We are not. Chew a lot, or gulp it down. You do you. Wait… maybe we could get a side hustle as an eating coach, to count your chews and slurps for you. Or maybe that’s already happening on OnlyFans… There are days when you open your eyes and really, really want to choose chaos. But since you’re too pretty to go to prison, choose a fine, adult beverage to take the edge off. Plus, you don’t really look good in stripes. Best Simple Margarita *recipe courtesy of acouplecooks.com Ingredients: 1 ½ ounces (3 tablespoons) tequila blanco or reposado* 1 ounce (2 tablespoons) Cointreau (or Triple Sec) ¾ ounce (1 ½ tablespoons) fresh lime juice Kosher salt or flaky sea salt, for the rim For the garnish: Lime wedge Instructions: Cut a notch in a lime wedge, then run the lime around the rim of a glass. Dip the edge of the rim into a plate of salt (or for a festive look, use our Margarita Salt). Place all ingredients in a cocktail shaker with 4 ice cubes and shake until cold. Strain the margarita into the glass with the salted rim. Fill the glass with ice and serve. Pitcher (8 servings): Place 1 ½ cups tequila, 1 cup Cointreau or Triple Sec, and ¾ cup lime juice in a pitcher. Add 3 handfuls ice and stir until cold. Who doesn’t love peanut butter? Except for those with a nut allergy, of course… It’s great when you don’t want to make anything. You can eat it straight out of the jar. You can make yummy things with it, if you want. See? Nuts in your mouth ain’t a bad thing. And with National Peanut Butter Lovers Day coming up (March 1st), why not indulge in this? Can you tell we like “national” holidays? When it involves food. From our pals at Jif… Creamy Peanut Butter and Chocolate Layer Dessert Ingredients: Crust: 1 1/2 cups finely crushed graham cracker crumbs 1/3 cup Jif® Creamy Peanut Butter 3 tablespoons Sugar 3 tablespoons Butter melted Peanut Butter Layer: 1 (8 oz.) package cream cheese 1/3 cup Jif® Creamy Peanut Butter 1 cup Powdered sugar 1 (8 oz.) container frozen whipped topping, thawed divided Chocolate Layer: 2 (4-serving size) packages instant chocolate pudding and pie filling mix 2 1/2 cups Milk Instructions: Heat oven to 350°F. Step 2 For Crust: Combine graham cracker crumbs, peanut butter, sugar and butter in medium bowl until well blended. Reserve 2 tablespoons for topping. Press remaining crumbs into bottom of 13 x 9-inch baking pan. Bake 5 to 7 minutes or until lightly browned. Cool completely. For Peanut Butter Layer: Beat cream cheese and peanut butter in large bowl with electric mixer on medium speed until well blended. Beat in powdered sugar. Gently mix in 1 cup whipped topping. Spread evenly over cooled crumb crust. For Chocolate Layer: Beat pudding mix and milk in medium bowl on low speed 2 minutes. Spread evenly over peanut butter layer. Chill 1 hour. Spread with remaining whipped topping. Sprinkle with reserved crumbs. Literally, every day is a “national day” celebrating something. But this is one day we're throwing our bibs on for: National Ranch Dressing Day on 3/10. Seriously, ranch is something we are seldom without—but we suppose we can dedicate one full day to its awesomesauce-ness. Thanks to Taste of Home, this recipe is the perfect way to do our part and celebrate. Chicken Ranch Mac & Cheese Ingredients: 3 cups uncooked elbow macaroni 3 tablespoons butter 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour 1/2 teaspoon salt 1/4 teaspoon pepper 1 cup 2% milk 1-1/2 cups shredded cheddar cheese 1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese 1/2 cup shredded Swiss cheese 3/4 cup ranch salad dressing 1 cup coarsely chopped cooked chicken Topping: 1/3 cup seasoned bread crumbs 2 tablespoons butter, melted 10 bacon strips, cooked and crumbled 1 tablespoon minced fresh parsley Instructions: Preheat oven to 350°. In a 6-qt. stockpot, cook macaroni according to package directions for al dente; drain and return to pot. Meanwhile, in a medium saucepan, melt butter over medium heat. Stir in flour, salt and pepper until smooth; gradually whisk in milk. Bring to a boil, stirring constantly; cook and stir until thickened, 1-2 minutes. Stir in cheeses until blended. Stir in dressing. Add chicken and sauce to macaroni, tossing to combine. Transfer to a greased 13x9-in. baking dish. Toss bread crumbs with melted butter; sprinkle over macaroni. Top with bacon. Bake, uncovered, 30-35 minutes or until topping is golden brown. Sprinkle with parsley. It’s always like Christmas when you can find some good tunes to fill up your earhole. If you’re feeling like you need some new vibes to get by, try this one on from Seratones. “Good Day” is all about being in the present. Put that phone down and put some time in with your sig other. And don’t let anyone rule your life. Okay! Culture Wars is back with something equally as catchy as their other tunes. “Faith” and its video go hand-in-hand. Because when you’re in Vegas, you need a little faith—for many reasons. Plus, it’s a good chill score for The Strip. Then there’s Portugal. The Man. It’s what Saturday night feels like. “What, Me Worry?” has all that here “ain’t no trippin’” just “sippin’” mentality-- even if the house is burning down. And don’t we all have days like, DGAF? This could be our entire life soundtrack. We’re starting to believe that there’s a conspiracy theory going on. That the candy companies are conspiring to keep us fluffy. Think about it. Christmas candies, Valentine’s candies, Easter candies, Halloween candies… See? But we digress... Let’s focus on the “love” holiday and its candies. Each state has favorite go-to, either for self or for gifting others. See what candy vibes your state is giving out. Now, let’s keep this sweet theme going with some deliciousness you can enjoy together. Chocolate-Covered Jell-O Shots
*recipe courtesy of delish
Ingredients: (Makes 10 servings) 3 (16-oz) containers large strawberries 2 cup chocolate chips 2 tsp coconut oil 1 (3-oz) box strawberry Jell-O 1 cup boiling water 1 cup vodka Instructions: Slice tops off the strawberries and scoop out the insides, making sure the fruit is still sturdy. Melt chocolate in a double boiler or microwave. Spoon chocolate into greased plastic shot glasses. This will serve as the base. Roll strawberries in the remaining chocolate so that they are coated. Place berries into the cups, setting them up so they are as vertical as possible. Let chocolate set in the fridge or freezer. Pour chilled vodka into a bowl and sprinkle gelatin on top. Let sit for a minute or two. Add boiling water and whisk to dissolve the gelatin. Pour mix into the strawberries and carefully place back in the fridge. Let set for at least two hours. Serve as is, or remove strawberries from the cups and eat. Valentine’s Day Chocolate Cake
Ingredients:
Devil's Food Cake 1 ½ cups sugar (320g) 1 ½ cups all-purpose flour (215g) ½ cup cocoa powder (50g) 1 ¼ tsp baking soda ¾ tsp salt 1 egg 1 egg yolk ¾ cup buttermilk ¾ cup plus 1 tsp lemon if you don't have buttermilk ⅓ cup oil 1 tsp vanilla extract ½ cup coffee ⅛ cup rum use more coffee if you don't want the booze Buttercream or 2 cups heavy whipping cream plus ⅓ cup raspberry preserves Ganache 1 lb bittersweet chocolate, finely chopped 2 cups heavy cream Instructions: Preheat oven to 350°F. Grease and line a 11×16″ Baking Sheet with parchment. Whisk together all the dry ingredients in a large bowl. Sift the cocoa and baking soda if they are lumpy. Whisk in the liquid ingredients, until smooth. Pour into prepared pan and spread evenly with an offset spatula. Bake for about 20 minutes or until just set or a tester comes out with moist crumb. Cut the devil’s food cake with a Heart Cookie Cutter. Depending on the size of your cutter this will get you about 12 2-layer cakes per sheet. To Make The Cream: Whip the heavy cream until soft peaks, add the raspberry preserves and continue whipping until stiff peaks. Fill a Pastry Bag, fitted with a round pastry tip and pipe the cream on half of the heart shaped cakes. Top the cream with another layer of cake. Cover the cake with plastic wrap and refrigerate while you make the ganache. Ganache: Heat cream until just to simmer. Remove from heat. Dump in all of the chopped chocolate, swirl the pot to make sure the chocolate is completely covered by the cream. Let sit for about 3 minutes and then gently whisk until smooth. Allow to cool slightly to thicken enough to cling to the cakes. To pour the ganache on the cakes you will need to set them on a cooling rack that is over a sheet pan lined with parchment. You want to do this to catch all of the dripping chocolate. Slowly pour the ganache over the heart cake, starting in the middle and working outward. Be sure to check all the sides as you go. As you can see there will be a lot pooled up on the parchment, but you will scrape that up and be able to remelt and use again. See my instagram video to make sure it is the right consistency.If your ganache starts to get too thick, return the pot to the stove and heat on very low heat, just for a moment. Allow your valentine’s day heart cake to set at room temperature for about 20 minutes. If you need to refrigerate them, they will lose their shine. Once you return them to room temperature the shine will come back. If you want to dance between the sheets this Valentine’s Day, why not learn how to dance outside the sheets, first, to get you in the mood? There are a few sexy dance styles that can help you get your schwerve on. You ready to hoof-it into the boudoir? Try one of these… Salsa: Drop the chips and shake dem hips. It’s one of the most popular dances, and you can do it anywhere. It’s fun, sexy, and exciting. Schwing! Bachata: We always call this Burrata because we love cheese. But the Bachata is known for its love stories and syncopated rhythm. Hopefully, your love story doesn’t involve dating your cousin, cuz that would be one weird dance story… Tango: This dance is known as the most passionate because of the close connection partners have, and the character the music embodies. Keep those breath mints handy while your hands are on your person’s ass! If we’re honest, our dance moves look more like this: If you’re a tiger (nothing sexual intended) in the Chinese zodiac, then this is your year. Woo hoo! But that doesn’t mean non-tigers can’t celebrate the New Year. Jazz up your home space with festive décor, party favors, and traditional Chinese food and snacks. (Pot stickers are bomb!) Red and orange both symbolize good fortune and wealth, so get those color vibes going! World Market is one of our fav places to leave our cash behind. See? Cute tiger-y items for your festive snagging of good luck. While you're stuffing your face fortune cookies and egg rolls, maybe drop this tune to up your fierce factor. |
AuthorThe cracked Crack Wise Staff-- warriors of the Funformation Movement. Archives
January 2024
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