Funformation
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Not sure we've ever pondered this topic: Which cities in the U.S. are most vulnerable for rats?
We know. Apparently, Pest Gnome wanted to do a dirty deep-dive on the topic and uncovered that rats love taking a bite out of the Big Apple. Is anyone really surprised here? The filth. The garbage. The essence of the City that Never Sleeps. Duh. L.A. is second followed by Jersey City. Cong-rats? Thanks, Pet Gnome, for the nightmare fuel. We Crack Wise-rs are gonna have a little fun with this. Rat Bait
*recipe courtesy of mouthsofmums.com
Ingredients: (serves 4) 1 loaf sliced bread 2 cups grated cheese 2 cups bacon pieces 2 eggs to taste salt and pepper to taste mixed herbs butter to butter one side of the bread Instructions: Mix the cheese, bacon pieces, salt and pepper, mixed herbs and egg in a big bowl. Toast one side of the bread, once that is done butter the other side and place on the mixture to all corners. Bake in a moderate oven until the mixture is golden brown. Hey, Captain Obvious. We're more stressed during the holidays. Really? According to a recent survey conducted by MedStar Health, 74% of Americans said Christmas is stressful - and 55% said it’s the most stressful holiday of the year. And the reasons why for the stress include: Money concerns: 50% Preparations/cleaning: 30% Spending time with family: 22% Cooking: 18% Well, what in the af are we supposed to do? Seriously, the holidays are awesome. We don't want to become a hermit. The professionals have some advice that may prevent you from homiciding someone. Be realistic about your budget Try to resist pressures to spend more than you can comfortably. Small gifts that are thoughtful, hand-made items, and the gift of time together don’t have to cost much and can be very meaningful. Crack Wisedom: Or sell your plasma, or other bodily fluids for some cashola. Give yourself permission to take care of yourself and scale back expectations It’s hard to enjoy the holidays if you feel constant pressure to make everything perfect. Incorporate stress busting activities into your holiday plans. Exercise is a great way to get those endorphins flowing. Warm up your body and reduce stress with a family hike. Crack Wisedom: Pretend your punching bag is Druncle Larry. Don’t overcommit It is easy to say “yes” to too many activities, leaving you feeling burned out and stressed about the holiday season. Try to alternate activity-full days with those of scheduled relaxation. Spending time with loved ones at home, or going for a solo walk, can do wonders for your mood! Crack Wisedom: Especially if you leave your family in the woods... Take a social media break Your mental health matters! Watching how others spend their holiday can be overwhelming, and you might miss out on your own festive experience. Unplugging during the holidays helps you unwind and reconnect with your loved ones face to face. Crack Wisedom: Or you could take a pic of your ass with mistletoe hanging above it, post it to socials, and tell everybody to kiss it. #facebookjail Remote work has its advantages: Wearing your comfy clothes. Snacking at-will. Saving on gas money. Listening to gangsta rap at loud volumes without uptight-Sarah asking you to turn it down. Remote work has its disadvantages: Isolation. Sloppiness. Fat-assness. Let’s focus on the fat-assness part. Pre-pandemic, office workers frequently took breaks “for their health”. For some, there’s no one to get away from. So, the walking or taking the stairs, or standing to stretch has gone away. And that’s not good. Here are some ways to de-stress at your desk—no matter where your desk is nowadays, courtesy of elite athlete and stuff-knower, Dr. Haley Perlus. 1. Neck and Shoulder Stretches Roll your chair away from your desk. Starting with your head facing forward, using your hand, gently stretch your head and neck to the left and right Practice this simple de-stressing technique: take a deep breath and shrug your shoulders as high as you can, and gently lower them, while breathing out deeply. Crack Wisedom: Don’t imagine snapping the neck of that annoying co-worker you have to see on your Zooms. We don’t want you snapping your own neck. Theirs, yes. 2. Hand and Forearm Stretches Continuous typing can lead to stress injuries such as carpal tunnel syndrome. Help reduce the chances of an injury by giving your hands and fingers a break. Roll back from your desk and allow your hands to fall to your sides. Roll your wrists in a clockwise and counter-clockwise direction. Shake them out to relieve any tension Stretch your forearms by flexing your palms towards your arms, gently increasing the stretch with your other hand. Then extend your palm away from your arm, using your other hand to stretch the top of your hand towards your forearm. You should feel a stretch throughout the underside of your arm. Crack Wisedom: Think of how good your solo time will be with relaxed wrists and forearms! 3. Back Stretches Sitting for long periods at a time is unnatural and can create pressure, especially in the lower back region. Haley recommends standing and walking as often as possible When standing, do a simple back stretch by bending at the waist and letting your arms lower towards the ground. Try to release all tension in your back and slowly “roll up,” one vertebra at a time If you don’t have a back injury, work on improving your range of motion by doing gentle torso twists, and rotating your trunk several times to help “loosen up.” Crack Wisedom: The one time where it’s acceptable to be loose. Wink, wink. 4. Leg Stretches Sitting for long periods of time also cause blood to pool in your lower legs. Haley says getting moving, even walking around the block, can help improve circulation and “wake up” tired legs Simple leg stretches such as calf raises, quad stretches, and hamstring stretches can all be done in the comfort of your cubicle or desk area If you feel yourself getting drowsy at your desk, a neat trick you can try are leg lifts: from a sitting position, raise your foot 3-4 inches off the ground and hold it. You will start to feel a burn – keep going until your muscle gives out, repeat on the other side. Crack Wisedom: A bad burn is having too many jalapeños on your tacos… Because we have so much clout (insert laugh here), companies want us to talk about their stuff. We just like talking about people’s stuff regardless if you kiss our non-existent ring. Sparkling Ice hit us up with some tasty drink ideas for the July 4th holiday. We’re thinking that a refreshing drink is a refreshing drink—no matter what time of year. Give this one a firecracker’s chance. Rum Berry Fizz Ingredients: 8 oz Sparkling Ice Berry Lemonade 1 oz Silver Rum Mixed Berries Garnish: Lemon Wheel and Strawberry Instructions: Fill a tall glass with ice. Add rum and top with Sparkling Ice Berry Lemonade. Stir in mixed berries. Garnish with a lemon wheel and strawberry Enjoy! Fools. That’s what we are. We mean that with nothing but love, but let’s be real. We Americans are great at hijacking a drinking holiday and making it a sloppy mess. Why should Cinco de Drinko be any different? With all that drinking there will be the need for eating. Make this ahead of time. Because we’re sure that any form of thinking or attempting to use utensils and a hot stove and oven to cook might end up in a call to 911. This allrecipes casserole might be your savior. Cinco de Mayo Casserole Ingredients: 1 pound ground beef 1 teaspoon vegetable oil, or as needed 1 onion, diced 2 cloves garlic, chopped 1 (10 ounce) can diced tomatoes with green chile peppers (such as RO*TEL®), drained 1 cup salsa, drained 1 (7 ounce) can Mexican-style corn, drained 1 cup sour cream 3 cups shredded Cheddar cheese, divided ½ teaspoon salt ¼ teaspoon ground black pepper Instructions: Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Heat a large skillet over medium-high heat. Cook and stir beef in the hot skillet until browned and crumbly, 5 to 7 minutes; drain and discard grease. Transfer ground beef to a 9x13-inch casserole dish. Heat oil in a skillet over medium heat; cook and stir onion and garlic in the hot oil until onion is translucent, about 10 minutes. Spoon onion mixture over ground beef. Mix tomatoes with green chile peppers, salsa, corn, sour cream, 1 cup Cheddar cheese, salt, and black pepper into ground beef mixture; top with remaining 2 cups Cheddar cheese. Bake in the preheated oven until cooked through and cheese is melted, about 45 minutes. Let stand for 10 minutes before serving. When the weather takes drastic swings in the same week, sometimes your sinuses get punished and you feel less-than-stellar. When that happens, cook-up a pot of this delicious feel-better soup. It’s our go-to—even when we’re not feeling like gum stuck on the bottom of your shoe. Chicken Noodle Soup with Caramelized Onions Ingredients: 2 cups cooked chicken, shredded or cubed (or use rotisserie chicken!) 2 teaspoons butter 1 large onion, halved and sliced 8 cups chicken broth 3 medium carrots, sliced ¼ inch thick 1 cup wide egg noodle pasta Freshly ground pepper, to taste Instructions: Melt butter in 10" skillet over medium-high heat. Add onions, reduce heat, and cook until they begin to caramelize, stirring frequently. Reduce heat to medium. Cook until onions are tender and nicely browned or caramelized, stirring occasionally. Remove skillet from heat. Heat chicken broth, pepper, and carrots in Dutch oven over medium-high heat and bring to a boil. Stir pasta and chicken in saucepan. Reduce heat to medium. Cook 10 min. or until pasta is tender. Stir in onions and serve immediately. Death by Chocolate. It seems like the perfect way to die if you’re into chocolate. Morbid, yet delicious, no? If you’re a little twisted like we are, and you’re a foodie—then this book is a must: 50 Things to Bake Before You Die: The World’s Best Cakes, Pies, Brownies, Cookies, and More from Your Favorite Bakers, Including Christina Tosi, Joanne Chang, and Dominique Ansel. Reading that title alone entitles you to a treat. Anywho, this book is for at-home bakers who want to make pro-grade desserts. As in taste, not presentation. That’s a relief to us, because we can’t frost or decorate any cake or cupcake that doesn’t look like a toddler did it. The pictures in this book are stunning, and the recipes are easy. How ‘bout Homemade Oreos? Strawberry Champagne Cupcakes? Chocolate Babka? This is the kind of bucket list we’re totally down for. Because skydiving isn’t for us. Pre-order now on Amazon. Let’s be honest. We’re all friends here. You’re probably going to over-indulge today. That’s why you need something delish and restoring to eat the next day. So, prepare this bomb casserole ahead of time and get un-hungover. Cracked Out Tater Tot Breakfast Casserole *recipe courtesy of plainchicken.com Ingredients: 2 lb bacon 1 (30-32oz) bag frozen tater tots 1 (1-oz ) package Ranch Salad Dressing & Seasoning Mix 2 cups shredded cheddar cheese 8 eggs 2 cups milk Instructions: Preheat oven to 350ºF degrees. Lightly spray a 9×13-inch baking dish with cooking spray. In a large skillet, cook bacon. Chop the cooked bacon into pieces. In a large bowl, toss together tater tots, cooked bacon, and cheeses. Pour into prepared baking dish. Whisk together eggs, Ranch mix, and milk. Pour over tater tot mixture. **Cover and refrigerate at this point if baking later.** Bake for 50 – 60 minutes, or until eggs are set. Apparently, we’re not doing it well enough. And while this could apply to many things, we just don’t eat the right way. Meaning, “gulp and go” isn’t good for us. Health and Wellness expert Dr. Julie Gatza has some wise tips for healthy eating. Of course, we share our Crack Wise-dom that’s just as valid, if not professional (or helpful.) Eat only when you’re hungry: Many people eat when they're not even hungry. They eat because they think they should eat: its lunchtime. Or, they have to eat because they're on a schedule at work. Forced eating starts early, with our kids. We make them sit down and eat with us. But if we were living in Nature, foraging for our foods, we would eat only when we were hungry. Crack Wise-dom: But what if we are hungry all the time? What if we have a tapeworm? Should we neglect Walter the Worm? PETA will be up our ass like the worm… Don't mix food types / Eat foods in the proper order: It is preferable to eat foods of one type all at the same time. Have meats first, slowly, which will allow the brain to trigger production of the body's strongest digestive enzymes, the proteases. Add a little salad, and after 15 minutes, eat your potato. 20 minutes after the potato is gone, fruits or sugared desserts are okay to eat. Crack Wise-dom: What in the af? Who has an hour to eat? The proper order is: Lemme shove this food in my mouth, or I’ll eat your arm… Chew 22 times - including protein drinks: Many people gulp down those big protein drinks thinking it's a good thing to do, but the reality is it's like swallowing a steak, whole. You have to chew protein, or the signals to the brain won't be there. If you don't chew along the way, you're shocking the system. Crack Wise-dom: Really? That stuff will be naturally broken down with saliva before the fifth chew. Should I chew my ice cream, too? It’s real attractive when your shake is dribbling from the corners of your mouth because you need to “chew” it. In summation: She’s the expert. We are not. Chew a lot, or gulp it down. You do you. Wait… maybe we could get a side hustle as an eating coach, to count your chews and slurps for you. Or maybe that’s already happening on OnlyFans… Who doesn’t love peanut butter? Except for those with a nut allergy, of course… It’s great when you don’t want to make anything. You can eat it straight out of the jar. You can make yummy things with it, if you want. See? Nuts in your mouth ain’t a bad thing. And with National Peanut Butter Lovers Day coming up (March 1st), why not indulge in this? Can you tell we like “national” holidays? When it involves food. From our pals at Jif… Creamy Peanut Butter and Chocolate Layer Dessert Ingredients: Crust: 1 1/2 cups finely crushed graham cracker crumbs 1/3 cup Jif® Creamy Peanut Butter 3 tablespoons Sugar 3 tablespoons Butter melted Peanut Butter Layer: 1 (8 oz.) package cream cheese 1/3 cup Jif® Creamy Peanut Butter 1 cup Powdered sugar 1 (8 oz.) container frozen whipped topping, thawed divided Chocolate Layer: 2 (4-serving size) packages instant chocolate pudding and pie filling mix 2 1/2 cups Milk Instructions: Heat oven to 350°F. Step 2 For Crust: Combine graham cracker crumbs, peanut butter, sugar and butter in medium bowl until well blended. Reserve 2 tablespoons for topping. Press remaining crumbs into bottom of 13 x 9-inch baking pan. Bake 5 to 7 minutes or until lightly browned. Cool completely. For Peanut Butter Layer: Beat cream cheese and peanut butter in large bowl with electric mixer on medium speed until well blended. Beat in powdered sugar. Gently mix in 1 cup whipped topping. Spread evenly over cooled crumb crust. For Chocolate Layer: Beat pudding mix and milk in medium bowl on low speed 2 minutes. Spread evenly over peanut butter layer. Chill 1 hour. Spread with remaining whipped topping. Sprinkle with reserved crumbs. |
AuthorThe cracked Crack Wise Staff-- warriors of the Funformation Movement. Archives
January 2024
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