Funformation
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Weddings are a production. Even the simplest of affairs requires some money to make happen. Cutting corners does not equate to a cheap-ass event. So do it! One major expense-- the gown. We get it. The bride is the center of attention and wants to make that lasting impression. But must you take a second mortgage out on your house? Nope.
​ Queenly, the leading marketplace and search engine for the formalwear industry, has sometips on how to gown-for-less. Upcycling your mom’s gown or vintage gowns Crack Wisedom: Somebody please wear mom's 1980s-era gown-- poofy long sleeves and all! Hell-- make it an 80s-themed wedding! Thrifting and Buying Gently Worn Gowns Crack Wise-dom: We say you find a tuxedo t-shirt and match it with the skirt part of a gently-used gown. Or better yet, why aren't there any gown t-shirts? #equality Opting For Unique Choices Crack Wise-dom: See our above advice. Why wear white? Wear black. Go themed wedding. Wear a prom dress. We uniquely choose to wear chaps. Assless chaps. and a cute fur shrug... In conclusion: Save your money and put it towards something that matters. No, not the honeymoon. Open. Bar. ​
We need to be in charge of stuff. Because if we were, cheese-- just cheese-- would have its own spot on the food pyramid. And it would be the bottom, widest foundation for our foodie lives. So, we're happy to learn of cheesemakers we've never heard of before. (Since we're poor-ish, we only shop the import section of the cheese vault occasionally.) Anywho, Old Amsterdam Cheese is da bomb, apparently, Even though the thought of old cheese creeps us out a little.
​ Old Amsterdam leads the market in Holland when it comes to Branded Aged Gouda. And now they've created two new goudas to delight us: Extra Aged and Mild. ​ We'll take both. In fact, slap a couple slices on this burger recipe from O.A., the OGs of Gouda. We're gonna name it: Amsterdamn! Burgers
Ingredients:
2 red onions 2 tablespoons butter 2 tablespoons sugar 2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar salt and freshly ground black pepper 4 tablespoons mayonnaise 2 teaspoons spicy pimentón (Spanish paprika) powder 1.6 lbs. minced beef (ask the butcher to coarsely mince beef shoulder, or use a mix of pork and beef meat) 2 tablespoons soy sauce 2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce 4 tablespoons olive oil 8 slices pancetta 4 slices Old Amsterdam Gouda 1 big tomato 8 slices of rustic, heavy bread 4 lettuce leaves, rinsed ​ Instructions: Slice the onion into rings. Melt the butter and use this to fry the onion rings with the sugar. Caramelize the rings, then add balsamic vinegar and fry for another five minutes on low heat. Season with salt and pepper. Next, mix the mayonnaise and the Spanish paprika. Take the meat from the fridge and let it come to room temperature. Mix the meat with the soy sauce and the Worcestershire sauce and add salt and pepper to taste. Roll balls of approximately 6 oz. each and flatten these to form burgers. Coat the burgers with olive oil and fry in a frying pan for four to five minutes on each side, until browned. Meanwhile, fry the pancetta in another pan, until they are slightly crispy. Lay pancetta and a slice of Old Amsterdam on top of each burger. Cover with the lid and let the cheese melt for about 30 seconds. Cut the tomato into four thick slices. Spread a thick layer of the spicy mayonnaise on four slices of bread. Add a slice of tomato, a burger, and finally a good helping of the caramelized onion rings and top it with another slice of bread each. ​ There's not a single one of us who hasn't perfected their air guitar moves. Example: we've got a great high-kick/stomp combo that will land us in the ER someday soon,,, Let's celebrate 75 years of greatness-- the Fender. Dave Hunter is the author of Fender 75 Years. Needless to say, this dude is all about Fender. He knows the ins and outs of these legendary guitars and amps. You'll get a history lesson and browse the known Fenders, but Hunter takes a deep dive, too, with tidbits about offset guitars like the Mustang, Jazzmaster, Jaguar, Marauder, Coronado, Bronco, and more. Plus, readers will get in-depth tea on the rock gods and their beloved Fenders. We're talkin' Steve Ray Vaughan, Hank Marvin, Buddy Guy, Eric Clapton, and dare we say again-- more! And our favorite part? Pictures. Rare pictures from archives. Advertising brochures, studio imagery. Perfect toilet-reading material. Which isn't as shitty as you think. We value throne time. P.S. A deluxe collector's limited edition (500 copies) will be available in October. It'll be packages in a Fender-inspired presentation case, with a custom envelope featuring five pieces of flat art from the archives, a reproduction vinyl decal, a photo pin-up, and three 12x18-inch posters. We've been liberated from lockdown, and many are now liberating themselves from their undies for some revenge summer hook-ups. Yup. The "southern border" may not have had any crossings in over a year, so many are behaving like a kid in a candy store. Which is fine until you get a bellyache-- or in this case something itchy. Dr. Kate Balestrieri is the founder of Modern Intimacy. Since she knows stuff, she says there are some rules you need to scromp by: Feeling pressure to orgasm every time you have sex Crack Wise-dom: Fake it 'til you make it! Not speaking up if something feels painful or uncomfortable Crack Wise-dom: Those aren’t pillows! Skipping the condom, whether single or in a relationship Crack Wise-dom: Better to catch the rain, than to catch something with the 'main vein'! Skimping out on foreplay/rushing sex Crack Wise-dom: This DAP ain't a WAP yet! The more you know… The Office is one of those quotable, memorable, pop-culturable shows that we can't get enough of. So layered in the writing and character development. Nothing can "beet" it. Fans of the show need to get their hands on Beet This: An Unofficial Schrute Farms Cookbook by Sam Kaplan, Tyanni Niles, and Keith Riegert-- self-proclaimed superfans of all things The Office. “After years of thinking about it, we finally summoned the courage to write this book—a parody and homage to Dwight Schrute and his family’s rich history as the purveyors of Schrute Farms, the most respected and storied beet farm in Honesdale, Pennsylvania,” the authors wrote in the foreword. “To get started, we asked ourselves one main question: What would a family cookbook look like if the Schrute family passed recipes down from one generation to the next, and then the next? Heavy on the beets, Pennsylvania Dutch cuisine, and classic German recipes, Beet This is what we imagine our favorite quirky, stoic, and self-sufficient family would have compiled over the decades.” It’s not Schrute Farms, but here's a Pennsylvania Dutch recipe from Bell & Evans that should put a begrudging smirk on Dwight's face... Pennsylvania Dutch Chicken Pot Pie Ingredients: Noodles 1 Cup & 1 T All-purpose flour, plus more for rolling 1 Egg ¼ Cup Whole Milk 1 T Unsalted butter, melted Pinch of salt Pot Pie 2 Bone-in Split Chicken Breasts 8 Cups Chicken broth 4 Medium Yukon gold potatoes, peeled & large diced 3 Medium Carrots, peeled & large diced 2 Large Stalks Celery, diced 1 Medium Sweet Onion, peeled & cut into quarters Salt & pepper, to taste Pinch, ground turmeric Instructions: Noodles Blend egg with milk and melted butter. Add liquids to flour and salt. Mix until combined being careful not to overmix. Using extra flour, generously sprinkle dough on both sides to avoid sticking. Roll noodle dough to about 1/8” thickness. Cut into pieces/squares approximately sized 2” by 2”. No need to be perfect. Lay pieces onto flour dusted wax or parchment paper. Cover and set aside until needed. NOTE: Feel free to double the noodle recipe if you prefer extra. In the event you do, increase quantity of broth to 10 cups. Pot Pie In a large stock pot add chicken broth, chicken and a pinch of turmeric. Bring to a slow simmer. Cover and cook for approximately 30-40 minutes until chicken is thoroughly cooked to an internal of 170°F as measured by a meat thermometer. Remove chicken from broth and allow to cool. Once cooled, remove skin and pull meat from the bone into large pieces. To the stock pot add potatoes, carrots, celery and onion. Cook for 10 minutes uncovered at a low simmer. Bring to a boil and slowly add noodles piece by piece. NOTE: A rapid boil is key when adding noodles, otherwise they tend to stick to one another. Once all noodles have been added, reduce heat to a low simmer. Cover and cook for approximately 20 minutes until vegetables & noodles are tender. Uncover, add chicken and continue to cook on a low simmer for another 20 minutes. NOTE: This recipe gets better with time Season with salt & pepper, to taste. Add parsley as garnish. There was a time way back when... when footwear was all we wanted. Cool, yet comfy heels, boots, sandals, sneaks... you know. But then you grow up-ish, and your focus is now set on mortgages, utilities, and kitchen gadgets. But when the mood (and funds) strike, we can afford a pair of new shoes. But we have limits. Knowing that we want to live the Sex and the City life, and knowing that we're the perpetual klutz, there's no way we're dropping big bucks on shoes that will get scuffed first-wear. For those of you not so prone, and with deep pockets, you can roll like actress Natasha Rothwell and wear this little number from Pashion Footwear. Is it just us? We're feeling passionless with these drab shoes. And for $190? These damn shoes better massage our feet! For almost the same price, why not slip on some flash with these Betsey Johnson block heel sandals? Seriously. Look stylin' and keep the AC on. It's a win-win. #KeepinItCrackWise One of life's biggest frustrations can be the lack of fulfillment in the bedroom... when it comes to sleeping. We know how crucial a good night's sleep is. That means we need the most comfiest of bedscapes. One Fresh Pillow is throwing down the pillowcase with the claim that they've got the best pillows to ensure a proper night's rest. And, we know how we are when it comes to pillows-- we mate for life. Which isn't good. Sometimes, you need to mid-sleep-crisis it with a younger model. One Fresh Pillow also boasts that it's the world's first online pillow subscription service. So what's so special about this particular pillow? One side is fluffy; the other-- firm. (Kinda sounds like our body, but we digress...) Side One: Fluffy, Soft, Silky Alternative Down. The foam is shredded to exact specifications to be pliable, not lumpy. Side Two: Supportive shredded memory foam, with soft comfort from 100% polyester faux down fibers. Impressive. But what prevents the two sides from mixing-it-up and becoming a foam scramble? A breathable membrane separates the sides while allowing airflow between chambers. So extra! And apparently too good for measly pillow fights. One Fresh Pillow is available in standard and king sizes. But why not queen? Perhaps the queen has own "pillows", therefore... When was the last time you had a root beer float? That’s what we thought. Now that you’re all grown and stuff, why not try a beer float? Because your inner kid needs to have some delicious fun… Barrel Aged Chocolate Stout Float *recipe from Tavour Ingredients: 2 scoops of chocolate ice cream 1 can Barrel Aged Stout (16 oz of Oak Aged Coffee Coconut Sasquatch) *optional toppings – whipped cream, chocolate syrup, coconut shavings. Instructions: In a tall glass of your choice, add the ice cream first, then carefully pour in the beer. Go slowly to reduce foaming. Keep extra beer on the side to add as needed, or enjoy separately! Top as desired, and you’re good to go! *Chill your glass ahead of time for that visual, cool appeal! Your granny probably watched a nighttime TV show called Flamingo Road back before you were born (her “programs” as she would call them). And she probably had flamingos decorating her yard. Well, some things endure. People are still vibing yard flamingos. Back in the day, in those warm climates like Vegas, and all of Florida-- flamingos were a symbol of luxury, class, taste, and beauty. Maybe you're still a little nervous about the maligned "tacky pink flamingo" taking up space in your yard. It's cool. There are other options... See? Capturing that "I might be bougie" vibe, but not "I wear Depends and crochet doilies" vibe. You can score the above flamingos on Amazon, or stop by your local lawn and garden center and get pink with feathery desire. P.S. Get a taste of Flamingo Road... Grandma had the hots for Mark Harmon. |
AuthorThe cracked Crack Wise Staff-- warriors of the Funformation Movement. Archives
January 2024
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