Funformation |
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Funformation |
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We're suckers for kitchen gadgets. We don't care what it may be, or how often we may or may not use it. If it's cool, we gotta get our hands on it. So, fellow gadget junkies-- this one's for you. That's usually what happens at the Bachelor or Bachelorette parties. Massive amounts of drinking, strippers, wangs, blowup dolls... Some people pick a destination for their last hurrah. But with the price of everything being outrageous, who needs to travel to blow a lot of... money, when you can do more for less at home? Sure, Miami, NYC and San Fran are the top places to bachelorette it up (according to Lawn Love), but you could live it up in your neck of the woods. Maybe a dinner, drinks, and a concert you and the ladies would love to see? An evening at a winery? A bachelorette brunch? Or perhaps a themed event at one of the bridesmaid's homes? If you're leaning towards bachelorette brunch, think about serving mimosas, mini-pancakes, yogurt parfaits, and providing a coffee bar. And maybe some of those delectable mini quiches. Mini Quiche 3 Ways*recipe courtesy of thebah.com Ingredients: 4 pie crusts thawed (homemade or from 2 boxes store-bought) For the egg mixture: 4 eggs 1 cup milk 1/2 teaspoon Salt For the Mini Bacon Quiche: 3 ounces Swiss cheese grated 3 slices bacon fried and crumbled 2 tablespoons green onion sliced For the Mini Ham and Cheese Quiche: 3 ounces Swiss cheese grated 1/4 cup (about 1.5 ounces) ham cubed For the Mini Spinach Quiche: 3 ounces Swiss cheese grated 4 cups (3 ounces) spinach wilted (see notes) 1 tablespoon red bell pepper cubed For the Mini Mushroom Quiche: 2 tablespoons (½ ounce) mushrooms finely chopped 3 ounces Swiss cheese grated Instructions: To prepare the crusts: Let the pie crusts stand at room temperature for 15 to 20 minutes. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Spray 48 miniature muffin cups with non-stick cooking spray. Open and unfold one pie crust, then press out any fold lines. With a 2-½ inch biscuit cutter, cut out 12 rounds. Repeat with remaining 3 pie crusts. In the prepared mini muffin tins, press 1 round of pie crust into the bottom and up the sides of the cup. In a 4-cup measuring cup, combine the eggs, milk, and the salt. Whisk well. Set aside. To assemble the Mini Bacon Quiche: In 12 of the mini muffin cups, add 1 tablespoon of cheese. Evenly divide the chopped bacon among the 12 cups, using about ½ teaspoon bacon in each. Top with a couple slices of green onion. To assemble the Mini Ham and Cheese Quiche In 12 of the mini muffin cups, add 1 tablespoon of cheese. Evenly divide the chopped ham among the 12 cups, using about ½ teaspoon ham in each. To assemble the Mini Spinach Quiche In 12 of the mini muffin cups, add 1 tablespoon of cheese. Evenly divide the wilted spinach among the 12 cups, using about about ½ teaspoon spinach in each. Evenly divide the chopped red pepper among the mini muffin cups. To assemble the Mini Mushroom Quiche In 12 of the mini muffin cups, add 1 tablespoon of cheese. Evenly divide the chopped mushroom among the 12 cups, using about ½ teaspoon mushroom in each. To finish and bake the mini quiche: Pour egg mixture into each of the 48 cups, filling to within ¼ inch of the top. Bake at 375 degrees until golden brown, about 25 to 30 minutes. Cool slightly and serve warm. Grapes are good for you. So wine should be considered a healthy drink, according to our Crack Wisedom. I mean, we're not wrong necessarily. In fact, wine is so awesome, there's these two dudes called the World Wine Guys-- Mike DeSimone and Jeff Jenssen-- and they've written a book called WHITE WINE: The Comprehensive Guide to the 50 Essential Varieties & Styles. It's a follow-up to their red wine guide. Hold up. There are 50 different white wines? We thought there were three: dry, sweet, and sweeter. (We'll take the latter two choices, by the way...) Each chapter in the book surveys one grape or blend, what to expect in the glass (You have expectations? We just want a sweet buzz.) and suggested food pairings. For you sommeliers in the making that want to upgrade from your Franzia box of wine, this life-changing guide is for you. We know. How dramatic and over-sell-y we're behaving. Here's something you can pair with a sweet white wine. Because we aren't fancy and can't even swirl, smell or detect any "notes" in a wine. Shrimp Patties Recipe with Aioli*recipe courtesy of aspiringwinos.com Ingredients: For the Shrimp patties: 1.5 Pounds colossal tiger shrimps (De-shelled, de-veined) 1 cup roughly chopped parsley ¼ cup Mayonnaise 1.5 tbsp Dijon Mustard Paste ½ tbsp Paprika 1 tsp Onion Powder 1 tbsp Minced Garlic 2 medium eggs ½ cup Parmesan (or more) ½ cup oats flour (or more) ¼ cup Extra Virgin Olive Oil (For pan frying the patties) Salt (to taste) For the Aioli: ½ cup mayonnaise ½ tsp Paprika 1 tbsp Dijon mustard paste ½ tsp Minced Garlic Instructions: How to make the Shrimp Patties: Begin by cleaning & rinsing the shrimps. If using frozen shrimps, defrost them & bring them to room temperature. Chop the shrimp into small pieces. Add chopped parsley, mayo, dijon mustard paste, salt, paprika powder, eggs, chopped garlic, onion powder & Oats flour and give everything a good mix. Finally, add the parmesan cheese and mix everything well. If you feel the batter is too slimy add a bit more oats flour to bind it well. Heat your favorite skillet over medium low flame, brush oil or drizzle oil. In the meantime, form patty shapes with a scoop of shrimp batter with the help of your palm (you may grease your palms for ease) or scoop out each patty with the help of a cookie scoop. Gently drop them on the hot pan & press them gently to flatten or give a patty shape. Flip sides, cook until golden over medium low or medium heat. When the patty is fully cooked give that char look and add more crispiness by searing them over medium high heat for a couple of mins (both sides). Serve hot! How to make the Aioli: In a clean bowl take mayo and add mustard paste, paprika, salt & chopped garlic. Mix well. Aioli is ready. Serve with the shrimp patties. Don't knock it 'til you try it. Naked Gardening. That's a hard (so to speak) pass for us because we're a bug magnet, prone to sunburn, and well, don't want to go to jail for inducing vomiting. And what if a chipmunk decides to snack on some nuts? It's not surprising that Miami is the number one place to garden naked. We have a feeling that there are a lot of naked activities in general in Miami. But we digress. LawnStarter compared the 200 biggest U.S. cities based on nudist population size, indecent exposure laws, and, gardener-friendliness. They also looked at weather forecasts, access to waxing salons, and sex offender listings, among 12 total metrics. Here are the results: Surely, you can let your own shrubber get some much-needed sunlight in your backyard-- provided you have a privacy fence. Though we like melons and coconuts, we don't want to see yours. It's grilling season-- officially. Technically, grilling season is any time you want--- indoors or outdoors. In the rain. In the snow. Grilling makes life better. In case you didn't know this, Americans love their burgers. And we mean L-O-V-E looooove. The average American eats 5 burgers a month! There's the beef for sure! But "burgers" don't necessarily mean "beef." Chicken and veggie burgers are gettin' in some hungry bellies, too. With that in mind, try this chicken burger recipe on for size. The Best Chicken Burger*courtesy of allrecipes Ingredients: 3 pounds ground chicken ¼ cup seasoned bread crumbs ¼ cup finely diced onion 2 egg whites, lightly beaten ¼ cup chopped fresh parsley 1 clove garlic, peeled and minced 1 teaspoon salt ¼ teaspoon ground black pepper Instructions: Mix ground chicken, seasoned bread crumbs, onion, egg whites, parsley, garlic, salt, and pepper together in a large bowl. Form into 12 patties. Cook the patties and top with your favorite toppings. Pick your cooking method: Skillet: Heat oil in a medium skillet over medium heat. Cook the patties in the skillet, turning once, about 15 minutes. Grill: Lightly oil and preheat the grill. Place turkey burgers on the grill, turning once, about 10 minutes. Oven: Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F and line a baking sheet with parchment paper. Place the patties on the baking sheet and bake for about 15 minutes. Air fryer: Preheat the air fryer to 360 degrees F and place patties inside. Air fry for about 15 minutes, flipping halfway through. Have you had a good banana lately? Bananas are bursting with antioxidants, potassium and pectin, and... they might help that blue mood of yours. With a banana's high level of tryptophan you could get the bright brain boost you need. And couldn't we all use a lifter, er, mood lifter? Here's a 3-step plan to get 'nana-ed: Chocolate Center Banana: Cut a banana in half and insert a straw into the center of the banana, removing the middle of each half. Next, take a piping bag filled with melted chocolate or Nutella and carefully add it into the center of the banana. Place the halves in the fridge for 5-10 minutes. Once removed, cut the bananas into pieces, and remove the peels. Place the pieces onto a plate, sprinkle crushed cookies on top, and done! Banana Popsicle: Taking a half of a banana, insert a popsicle stick into the center and remove the peel. Dip the banana fully into caramel or chocolate depending on your preference and remove. Once the banana is fully coated, dip it into your favorite sprinkles, covering the entire banana. Allow the caramel or chocolate to harden, and you have a colorful and delicious banana popsicle! Bedtime Banana Tea: Having trouble falling asleep? Give this banana tea a try! Cut up one banana and add it into a tea pot with three cinnamon sticks. Add in hot water and allow it to brew for 10 minutes. Drain the liquid and place it into a teacup or mug. Drink and allow time for the relaxing effects to take place! A banana you'll want to jump on... *courtesy of TheSoul Publishing. Trees can add character to your outdoor space. It can be a part of your story, growing as you grow. But, you can't just dig a hole anywhere and drop a baby tree in there. You could, but it's not advised. AEP Ohio has some tree planting tips, because they know stuff. We, on the other hand, know nothing... but we do have some thoughts on this subject. Height: Knowing the potential height of any trees you’re going to plant will help ensure branches will be clear of power lines once the tree is fully grown. Small trees such as redbud, dogwood and crabapple should be planted 10-25 feet away from power lines. Medium trees such as Washington hawthorn and golden rain trees should be planted 25-50 feet away from power lines. Tall trees such as maple, oak, spruce and pine should be planted at least 50 feet away from overhead lines. Crack Wise-ing: So our plans to dress up like a squirrel and climb the tree and power lines is a bad idea... Canopy Spread: It’s important to keep in mind how wide the tree might be once the branches are fully grown. The extended branches should never come within 10 feet of the power line. Only trees with a small canopy spread, such as dogwood or crabapple, should be planted within 10 feet of a power line. Crack Wise-ing: We once knew a stripper named Canopy Spread. Growth Rate: You should consider how fast you want your tree to grow. Slow-growing species such as spruce trees are typically stronger and live longer than fast-growing species. Crack Wise-ing: Grower or show-er. We are talking about wood here... Form or Shape: The amount of space you have will impact the kind of tree you can plant. For example, if you have limited space a tree with a columnar shape would be best. If you’re looking for trees that will provide more shade, round or v-shaped trees are best. Crack Wise-ing: A 'Kim Kardashian' tree for more shade. Got it! What’s Underground: If you want to plant a tree, make sure you don’t run into underground lines. Call 811 at least 48 hours before you start a project. This connects you with the Call Before You Dig national hotline, which allows you to request any underground lines on your property be marked clearly above ground to help you avoid serious injury, expenses or possible penalties. Crack Wise-ing: Now all we're thinking about is Digital Underground... Brunching is a thing. We loves us a good brunch. Especially if a flight of mimosas and Bellini's are involved. But we digress. Where or where is the brunchiest brunchers of all? The Big Apple, of course. Since that's not practical for a road trip (or is it?), check out where LawnStarter has your town ranked on the list. Since we'd rather spend our gas money or airfare on previously mentioned mimosas, maybe invite the gang over for brunch at your place. Blue Cheese-Bacon Cloud Eggs *recipe courtesy of Better Homes and Gardens Ingredients: 4 eggs ¼ cup crumbled blue cheese 2 tablespoon chopped fresh chives, plus more for topping 2 tablespoon cooked, crumbled bacon, plus more for topping Freshly ground black pepper Instructions: Preheat oven to 400°F. Separate eggs, putting whites in 1 large bowl and yolks in 4 separate small bowls. Beat whites until stiff peaks form. Fold in cheese. Spoon into 4 mounds on parchment-lined baking sheet; make a deep well in center of each. Bake at 400° for 5 minutes. Remove from oven and carefully spoon 1 yolk to each well; season with pepper. Bake until yolks are just set, 2 to 3 minutes. Sprinkle with additional bacon and chives. Serve immediately. It's going down this weekend-- the official Royal Coronation of King Charles III on the other side of the pond. ParrotPrint.com has done a deep dive into all of the King's favorite things. (Hopefully, there won't be any favorite things along the lines of what Prince Phillip was into...) Many Brits and royal fanatics will be hosting their own coronation celebrations. Here's a little breakdown of what Chuck likes: Charles and his lady love, Camilla, have chosen quiche as their meal de crown (we made that up). So, if you plan to party like a royal-- here's the recipe. Don't know if you'll be sitting on your "throne" afterwards (beans are involved), but here we go. Royal Coronation Quiche Ingredients: Pastry: 1 cup all-purpose flour pinch of salt 1/8 cup cold butter, diced 1/8 cup lard 2 tablespoons milk Filling: 1/2 cup milk 3/4 cup (heavy) cream 2 medium eggs 1 tablespoon chopped fresh tarragon 1 cup grated cheddar cheese 6 oz cooked spinach, lightly chopped 2 oz cooked broad beans (fava beans) or soya beans Instructions: To make the pastry, sift the flour and salt into a bowl. Add the fats and rub the mixture together using your fingertips until you get a sandy, breadcrumb like texture. Add the milk a little at a time and bring the ingredients together into a dough. Cover and allow to rest in the fridge for 30 to 45 minutes. Lightly flour the work surface and roll out the pastry to a circle a little larger than the top of the tin and approximately 5 mm thick. Line the tin with the pastry, taking care not to have any holes or the mixture could leak. Cover and rest for a further 30 minutes in the fridge. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Line the pastry pan with parchment paper. Add pie weights and bake blind for 15 minutes, before removing the parchment paper and baking beans. Reduce the oven temperature to 320 degrees F. Beat together the milk, cream, eggs, herbs and seasoning. Scatter half of the grated cheese in the blind-baked base, top with the chopped spinach and beans and herbs, then pour over the liquid mixture. Sprinkle over the remaining cheese. Place into the oven and bake for 20 to 25 minutes until set and lightly golden. There's nothing worse than a pain in the butt. A chicken butt, that is. Personally, we don't like dealing with the rear business of a bird. That's where the Turbo Trusser comes in to help keep things locked and loaded and juicy. We think this looks like some strange device you'd find at the gyno's office, but if it gets the job done.... on the chicken, we mean... Here's a tasty fowl recipe for your newly-purchased Turbo Trusser, courtesy of, well, T. T. Rotisserie Chicken Ingredients: A whole chicken (about 4 pounds) 1 chicken Turbo Trusser Shaker of your favorite rub Instructions: Rinse the chicken inside and out in cold running water. Drain. Pat dry on the cutting board. Cut off any excess fat. Combine olive oil, kosher salt, ground black pepper, and garlic in a small bowl. Mix well and set aside. Preheat your oven or grill to 350℉. Attach the Turbo Trusser to the chicken. Sprinkle your favorite rub on the outside and inside of the chicken. Gently pat it in. Insert the Rotisserie through the chicken and Turbo Trusser. Put it on the grill and rotisserie for 1 to 1.5 hours or until it reaches an internal temperature of 165 degrees. |
AuthorThe cracked Crack Wise Staff-- warriors of the Funformation Movement. Archives
May 2024
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