Funformation |
Fun + Information = Funformation
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 September 29th is a really important day. For you coffee addicts (no judgement), the day is better known as National Coffee Day. It makes us snicker, because EVERY day is National Coffee Day for 99.9% of people. Here's something tasty involving coffee that you make with coffee. Just don't drink it. The cookies, that is... Coffee Cookies Ingredients: 1 cup all-purpose flour ¼ teaspoon baking soda ¼ teaspoon salt 4 teaspoons instant espresso coffee or powder 1 ½ teaspoons warm water ½ cup plus 2 tablespoons granulated sugar 5 tablespoons unsalted butter, room temperature 1 large egg ½ teaspoon vanilla extract ¼ cup chocolate chips or chopped chocolate Instructions: Begin this recipe by preheating the oven to 350 degrees F. and line a large baking sheet with parchment paper. In a medium bowl, whisk together the 1 cup all-purpose flour, ¼ teaspoon baking soda, ¼ teaspoon salt, and set aside. In a small bowl, stir together the 4 teaspoons instant espresso powder and 1 ½ teaspoons warm water until the instant espresso has completely dissolved. Using a stand mixer or hand mixer on low speed, mix together the ½ cup plus 2 tablespoons granulated sugar, 5 tablespoons butter, 1 large egg, and ½ teaspoon vanilla extract until fully combined. Add in the coffee mixture and the flour mixture and mix to combine, careful not to over mix. Turn the mixture off and gently fold in the ¼ cup chocolate chips and spoon the cookie dough onto the prepared cookie sheet, in 1 heaping tablespoon of cookie dough, spaced at least an inch apart. Place into the oven and allow the cookies to bake 10 to 12 minutes, until the edges are set and the cookies are soft and puffy. Remove the cookies from the oven and allow them to cool for 5 minutes on the cookie sheet before removing. Serve the cookies warm or once they have cooled completely. Store the cookies in an airtight container at room temperature up to 5 days.  A collaboration that should've happened decades ago is finally here-- Britney Spears and... skateboards... ? We think it's cool, and would've been cooler back in her "Baby One More Time" era, but we'll take it. Pretty cool! Britney Spears and Welcome Skateboards recently launched some boards and clothing to channel your inner Spears. We feel like some pervs, oops-- we mean "fans" will also delight in this collab. We predict some fantasy "skateboarding" will happen as some 50-something dude is gonna think he's all Tony Hawk-swag when he's actually more like Tony Squawk-sag-- and not only will this scream "restraining order" but also "health insurance claim." But... you only live once. Carpe Diem. The collection is available exclusively on www.welcomeskateboards.com and finer skateshops around the world. None of which we're familiar with.  We've been entertaining the thought of dipping our toe into the pickleball pool. All the grey and semi-grey hairs are doing it-- and we found out that pickleball is a Senior Olympic sport and we've always wanted to be an Olympic athlete (but time has run out on that), so why not "train" our way on our time with this...  The Dink Buddy Portable Pickleball Set! We always thought "dink buddy" meant something totally different, but... let's focus here on this item that's gonna win us the gold. Look how wonderful this thing is! Easy to set up → sets itself up (Let's not exaggerate...but we get it.) Collapses into a carrying case that only weighs 3.1lbs (We can drag that like we'd drag some dead weight. Don't ask...) Built with durable materials (Better be, since our pre-game routine might involve some 'beverages.') All Dink Buddy nets have the completely novel court expander technology built into each net system allowing you to join two nets in an instant (For group love... of pickleball.) Available in several colors: Black, White, Indigo, Red, Orange, Pink! (Color us happy!) Get yours on The 'Zon... as in Amazon. See ya on the court-- wherever you want that court to be. Boom!  Maybe you're feeling the need to refresh your homestead. Maybe de-clutter and minimalize things. Maybe this nifty combo from Audo Copenhagen catches your eye.   The description is quite lovely: "The newest additions to the Corbel series embody a perfect synergy of form and function to cater to diverse design preferences and functional needs. Drawing inspiration from architectural weight-bearing brackets, the Corbel Shelf, Long and Corbel Wall Desk elevate beyond functionality, infusing contemporary interiors with their structural elegance and timeless appeal. Designed for versatility, the Corbel Shelf, Long transcends traditional boundaries, effortlessly serving purposes in dining, kitchen and living room areas. Crafted in premium materials, it is available in two versions: marble with dark-stained oak and bronzed steel brackets and dark-stained oak with dark-stained oak and bronzed steel brackets." Hopefully, you have a minimum of $505. We just threw up in our mouths a little. Maybe this is how those milky-skinned, perfect Scandinavian countries live, but not here. One good fart and that chair and shelf-desk-thingy are coming down. Some Crack Wise-dom: 1. We could get something cooler at Goodwill. 2. We've got a spare board laying around that we could easily turn into an artsy-I-wear-a-turtleneck-in-summer-and-sip-500-dollar-wine "desk". 3. Back-in-the-day, this "desk" would get you called the "poor kid" who couldn't afford a proper desk.  We have a confession. We don't have any kids, but we do love back to school supplies. Seriously. We need pens, folders, notebooks, markers... And maybe we need this:  All calendars are dry-erase and come with custom fully adhesive multi-color labels. BONUS! We know that our lives aren't full-loaded with activities, unless you consider wine drinking, eating Cheetos and Little Debbies, pretending to workout, and binge-watching as activities that need more organization. Perhaps they do. One cannot judge another's schedule of activities... Anywho, this baby will set you back $49.99. Learn more at jesseitzler. com. Oh, this Jesse dude is a person who would know about a jam-packed schedule. According to the PR on this product, Jesse is an Emmy-award-winning artist, New York Times bestselling author, Serial Entrepreneur, Motivational Speaker, Father of 4, Ultramarathoner and businessman. #showoff  Literally. Not on Earth. Take your proposal game up a notch with dinner in space. Yes, outer space. You and your sig o will feast and canoodle in a space capsule lifted by a stratospheric balloon. A French Michelin-starred chef will prepare the meal that will be served to you by an AI-powered robot.  Here's the press release, because we can't do it justice: The agency ApoteoSurprise, specialized in orchestrating extravagant marriage proposals in Paris, is launching a brand-new service allowing the romantics of tomorrow to ask for their beloved's hand at an altitude of 35 kilometers (a little over 21 miles for us non-pretentious miles-as-measurement-lovers). Upon their arrival at the spaceport, a pilot will welcome the couple and invite them to board a spherical and futuristic space capsule equipped with top-notch amenities for their comfort. In the center of the cabin, a table will be elegantly set, reminiscent of the most refined Parisian restaurants. The lovers will be introduced to StellarEmbrace, the robot that ApoteoSurprise developed in collaboration with a British startup. Equipped with artificial intelligence, the robot will adapt to the emotions and desires of the couple, providing a truly unique interaction. From the moment they meet, StellarEmbrace will address the young woman by her name and, presenting her with a bouquet of roses, announce that a gourmet dinner for two in space awaits. (We're hoping the chef and AI waiter aren't looking for any group love...) Lifted by a helium-inflated stratospheric balloon, the pressurized capsule will then embark on a peaceful two-hour ascent, offering breathtaking 360° views of our planet through its immense windows. (Are barf bags provided, just in case?) At an altitude of 35 kilometers, the space module will be above 99% of Earth's atmosphere, allowing the couple to gaze at the curvature of the Earth, its blue halo, and the total darkness of space. Like only 600 astronauts before them, the lovers will experience the overview effect, a cognitive shift that will redefine their view of the world and connect them to all of humanity. (How is this hovering going to affect the "hang low" if that's a part of the plan?) The woman and her partner will take their seats at the table, and for three hours, the robot will serve them a five-course gourmet dinner with wines and champagne specially crafted for the occasion by a renowned French chef with two Michelin stars. A carefully selected playlist will accompany the culinary experience, featuring iconic tracks such as "Space Oddity" (David Bowie), "Across the Universe" (The Beatles), or "Walking on the Moon" (Police). Just before dessert, StellarEmbrace will playfully interrupt the tasting to inform the man that he has forgotten something important. The robot will promptly bring him a luminous box that a secret code will open. Suddenly, the suitor will remember the code and enter it. The box will split in two, revealing a luxurious case containing an engagement ring. The man will then propose to his beloved, sealing his love in the eternity of space. A little later, the capsule will begin its slow descent. After a two-hour journey, the betrothed will be back on Earth, discovering that the robot has recorded every moment of their voyage, from their arrival at the capsule to their tender farewells. (That said robot might touch himself too, later? AI is becoming more and more sentient...) Oh, this will cost you a little over $800-thousand. You can find that in your couch cushions, no? Click HERE to book.  Son of a... pitch. We receive a lot of product pitches in our Crack. Wise. in box. Products that PR firms want us to write about. And we do-- but not for the obvious reasons, like belief in a product. We usually have more questions than answers, and many times we talk about products because we're curious or because something has caught our twisted attention. Case in point: Lay & Stay.  NOT what we were thinking. At all. To us the name indicates a Stage 5 Cling-on that you spied through your beer goggles at closing time... But alas, it's a product that stays in place, making your summer time vibes more hassle-free. The Lay & Stay "has the solution with their custom securing stakes and lounge chair bands, making beach days hassle-free and stylish." It boasts: Custom securing stakes keep your towel in place on windy beach days Wide range of towel designs to choose from! Sand-resistant while also being light and compact Lounge chair bands hold your towel in place on loungers and beach chairs Patented design Starting at $ 15 - layandstaybeachtowels .com Cheaper than your after-hours lay and stay without the regret...  It's lit! And splashy! Okay. We were pitched a product that we would totally get immersed in-- and literally!  The Steel Pro MAX™ 15' x 42" Pool Set with LED Light ($549.99) . "Turn your backyard into the ultimate staycation with Bestway. Light up your summer with this above-ground pool, featuring flashing fun with an industry-first, color-changing and semi-transparent liner. The see-through liner and included LED light will shine bright all summer long. With seven colors, eight modes, three speeds, and five brightness levels, the light-up feature can be completely customized to fit your family's unique personality! A remote control is included, making it easy and convenient to cycle through the modes. The durable pool frame is constructed with superior corrosion-resistant steel to ensure stability and longevity. The ClickConnect System™ of frame connectors makes setting up the pool easy, with no additional tools or accessories needed." What!?!? This pool. Those beverages. And nobody take any videos for the socials... Also available on Amazon, Home Depot, Lowe’s, Macy’s, Overstock, Sam's Club, Target, Walmart, Wayfair, and more.  We enjoy summer. We enjoy more sunlight, more ice cream, more grump-less behavior. But we do NOT enjoy the pests of summer, namely, mosquitoes. Seriously, what do these things contribute to the world? We get it: they're food for fish and for birds and bats and frogs. Some are pollinators. But they really suck the blood out of us, literally, and could leave us with disease. So eff off, mosquitoes! Some dude named Damon Frank-- host of the popular YouTube channel “Home Deals with Damon" (we're not cool enough to know who this is) claims to have the "most effective and safe solution" in dealing with these suckers.  “Faced with a mosquito nightmare last year, I was determined to find an effective solution for home entertaining that did not rely on harmful insecticides,” said Damon. “My review highlights the product’s compact design, 60-hour protection, and use of botanical oils, underscoring its ease of use, rechargeability, and safety for kids and pets.” Okay, we're intrigued. Do go on... "Instead of relying on traditional synthetic insecticides, Damon explains that with the PIC Portable Mosquito Repellent, families can create a 15-foot zone of repellency using essential oils. This makes it ideal for use around children and pets. The home solution expert also details how the top mosquito repellent is easily rechargeable via its included USB cord and can provide an area of protection against mosquitoes within just 10 minutes." You can snag your bug battle buddy at Walmart, Walmart.com, or Amazon. But what about the poor bastard that has to set this up and risk the bites while saving the family? And, are the mosquitoes hovering outside the 15-foot range ready to feast? That bathroom break may cost you!  Thatsa one spicy... watermelon? Kick up the flavor at your 4th of July party (or any time you want) with this. Spicy Watermelon*recipe courtesy of AllRecipes Ingredients: ¼ teaspoon ground cumin ¼ teaspoon ground coriander ¼ teaspoon chili powder ¼ teaspoon salt ⅛ teaspoon cayenne pepper 2 cups cubed seeded watermelon ½ lime, juiced Instructions: Mix cumin, coriander, chili powder, salt, and cayenne pepper together in a bowl. Place watermelon into serving bowls; sprinkle with spice mixture. Squeeze lime juice over spiced watermelon. We suggest doubling or quadrupling to feed a crowd. Unless you only show up with enough food for you and eff everybody else... |
AuthorThe cracked Crack Wise Staff-- warriors of the Funformation Movement. Archives
June 2024
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