Funformation |
Fun + Information = Funformation
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 Valentine’s Day—the one day of the year where couples everywhere feel the pressure to prove their love via overpriced flowers, heart-shaped chocolates, and, apparently, romantic board games. Enter It’s A Date! and Talking Hearts, two contenders for turning your love life into a game night. Sounds fun, right? But let’s keep it real: sometimes, mixing love and board games can lead to more eye-rolls than heart-eyes. Let’s tap into our Crack Wise-dom and explore how these innocent games could spiral into a Valentine’s Day disaster. It’s A Date!: Where Mystery Meets Misery?  Sure, the concept sounds romantic: scratch off a card, unveil a surprise date, and bask in the spontaneity. But let’s imagine the worst-case scenarios, shall we? "Budget-Friendly" Turns Into “Oops, We’re Broke”: One card might suggest a sweet picnic in the park. But what happens when your partner scratches off a “fine dining experience” when your bank account’s already in the red? Nothing says romance like splitting a cup of soup. Weather Roulette: The card might cheerfully declare an outdoor adventure, but Mother Nature’s out here with sub-zero temps and gale-force winds. Who wouldn’t love frostbite on Valentine’s? Time Commitment Chaos: "Three-hour date night," the card says. "But I’m already in my pajamas," you think. Do you really want to negotiate this on the supposed most romantic night of the year? Talking Hearts: From Deep Chats to Deep Trouble This one’s all about connecting through heartfelt questions. Sweet, right? Until you’re on question 76 and things start to unravel: The Loaded Question Minefield: Somewhere in those 200 cards lurks the dreaded, "If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?" Prepare for a night of “It’s fine” and cold shoulders. Overthinking Olympics: Question: "What’s your biggest regret?" Your partner’s answer: "Not buying Bitcoin in 2010." Your reaction: "Not proposing sooner?!" Cue existential crisis. The Wild Card Whiplash: Just when the game gets serious, you hit a wild card: “Do an interpretive dance of your love story.” Now you’re arguing about who forgot the first-dance choreography. How to Survive the Love Game Night Have a Backup Plan: Keep a bottle of wine (or 5) and a rom-com on standby. If things get too intense, laughter and a drink are your escape hatch.  Listen up, Super Bowl hosts! Forget wings—those saucy suckers are predictable, messy, and honestly, not that super. This year, give your party MVP status with a make-your-own pizza station. Not only will your friends thank you for skipping the greasy pile of takeout, but you’ll also finally silence Todd, the guy who always says, “I’d prefer something gluten-free, thanks.” Here’s how to pull it off without throwing a Hail Mary at your kitchen. The Game Plan 1. The Crust Playbook Grab some pre-made pizza dough, because nobody’s got time to channel their inner Italian grandma. You can find it in the refrigerated section of the grocery store—near the crescent rolls, where dreams of flakiness live. If you’re feeling fancy (or bougie), snag gluten-free or cauliflower crusts for the Todd squad. 2. Sauce It Up, Baby Forget just plain ol’ marinara. Offer a sauce lineup that would make any foodie weep with joy: Classic red (duh) Alfredo (for the creamy dreamers) Pesto (so you seem cultured) BBQ (because this is AMERICA) 3. Cheese Touchdown Mozzarella is mandatory, but don’t stop there! Throw in some shredded cheddar, crumbled feta, and maybe even some ricotta. Provolone? Sure, why not. Heck, let them pile it on like they’re competing in a dairy Olympics. 4. Topping Blitz Go wild: Pepperoni (the GOAT of pizza toppings) Cooked sausage or crumbled bacon (heart health is overrated) Veggie MVPs: mushrooms, bell peppers, onions, olives Wild cards: pineapple (cue the great debate), jalapeños, and anchovies (if you want to weed out the weak). 5. Preheat That Oven Like a Champ Set the oven to 475°F. It should be hot enough to melt steel—or at least get that perfect crust crisp. Place a few baking sheets out, lined with parchment paper, and let your guests channel their inner culinary geniuses. Pop each pizza in for 10–12 minutes, or until it looks golden and Instagram-ready.  Sideline Suggestions Keep a stack of paper plates handy because let’s face it—nobody’s doing dishes during halftime. Set up a drink station nearby so people don’t have to leave their masterpieces unattended. And maybe have a first aid kit on standby in case someone gets too enthusiastic with the pizza cutter. With this make-your-own pizza station, you’ll not only satisfy everyone’s taste buds but also score big on party host points. Now, go be the legend your living room deserves. Be Crack. Wise. and wonderful!  We been tinkering with the idea of gardening more. But our thumb isn't the greenest, plus we need a no-fuss system to get started down this path before we become like Mr. Green Jeans. Perhaps this will take root...  The Watex modular gardening solution allows you to grow five different herbs, vegetables, or flowers. (Sounds scarily challenging?) Crafted from high-quality, eco-friendly wheat straw plastic, it's durable and easy to set up. (Allegedly.) Self-watering system means you don't have to water as frequently. (Perhaps they sense our looming failure.) Because... it's stylish enough for dining tables, coffee tables, kitchen countertops, and more. Ah ha! They know this thing might (most likely) become another dust catcher... But, give it a shot (of water, don't forget!) $45 at watexgreenliving.com. So... Linkin Park is newly re-formed.  And a lot of people have had a lot to say about it: both good and bad. There's controversy over co-vocalist choice, Emily Armstrong, and her ties to the Church of Scientology and convicted rapist Danny Masterson. The late LP frontman Chester Bennington's oldest son, Jamie, is not a fan of any of these changes. He says band member Mike Shinoda has "quietly erased (his) father's life and legacy" and says his father would not approve. Damn! The newer incarnation of Linkin Park includes: Mike Shinoda, Brad Delson, Phoenix, Joe Hahn, alongside new members Emily Armstrong [of critically acclaimed band Dead Sara] as co-vocalist and Colin Brittain [songwriter/producer for G Flip, Illenium, One OK Rock] as drummer. LP dropped their first single called "The Emptiness Machine." Drama aside, the song ain't bad. For those expecting Linkin Park 1.0, you'll be disappointed-- because nobody can fill Chester's shoes. But, as a new version carrying on with the band name and most of the OG members-- this song gets the job done. Only time will tell if LP fans stay the course.  September 29th is a really important day. For you coffee addicts (no judgement), the day is better known as National Coffee Day. It makes us snicker, because EVERY day is National Coffee Day for 99.9% of people. Here's something tasty involving coffee that you make with coffee. Just don't drink it. The cookies, that is... Coffee Cookies Ingredients: 1 cup all-purpose flour ¼ teaspoon baking soda ¼ teaspoon salt 4 teaspoons instant espresso coffee or powder 1 ½ teaspoons warm water ½ cup plus 2 tablespoons granulated sugar 5 tablespoons unsalted butter, room temperature 1 large egg ½ teaspoon vanilla extract ¼ cup chocolate chips or chopped chocolate Instructions: Begin this recipe by preheating the oven to 350 degrees F. and line a large baking sheet with parchment paper. In a medium bowl, whisk together the 1 cup all-purpose flour, ¼ teaspoon baking soda, ¼ teaspoon salt, and set aside. In a small bowl, stir together the 4 teaspoons instant espresso powder and 1 ½ teaspoons warm water until the instant espresso has completely dissolved. Using a stand mixer or hand mixer on low speed, mix together the ½ cup plus 2 tablespoons granulated sugar, 5 tablespoons butter, 1 large egg, and ½ teaspoon vanilla extract until fully combined. Add in the coffee mixture and the flour mixture and mix to combine, careful not to over mix. Turn the mixture off and gently fold in the ¼ cup chocolate chips and spoon the cookie dough onto the prepared cookie sheet, in 1 heaping tablespoon of cookie dough, spaced at least an inch apart. Place into the oven and allow the cookies to bake 10 to 12 minutes, until the edges are set and the cookies are soft and puffy. Remove the cookies from the oven and allow them to cool for 5 minutes on the cookie sheet before removing. Serve the cookies warm or once they have cooled completely. Store the cookies in an airtight container at room temperature up to 5 days.  A collaboration that should've happened decades ago is finally here-- Britney Spears and... skateboards... ? We think it's cool, and would've been cooler back in her "Baby One More Time" era, but we'll take it. Pretty cool! Britney Spears and Welcome Skateboards recently launched some boards and clothing to channel your inner Spears. We feel like some pervs, oops-- we mean "fans" will also delight in this collab. We predict some fantasy "skateboarding" will happen as some 50-something dude is gonna think he's all Tony Hawk-swag when he's actually more like Tony Squawk-sag-- and not only will this scream "restraining order" but also "health insurance claim." But... you only live once. Carpe Diem. The collection is available exclusively on www.welcomeskateboards.com and finer skateshops around the world. None of which we're familiar with.  We've been entertaining the thought of dipping our toe into the pickleball pool. All the grey and semi-grey hairs are doing it-- and we found out that pickleball is a Senior Olympic sport and we've always wanted to be an Olympic athlete (but time has run out on that), so why not "train" our way on our time with this...  The Dink Buddy Portable Pickleball Set! We always thought "dink buddy" meant something totally different, but... let's focus here on this item that's gonna win us the gold. Look how wonderful this thing is! Easy to set up → sets itself up (Let's not exaggerate...but we get it.) Collapses into a carrying case that only weighs 3.1lbs (We can drag that like we'd drag some dead weight. Don't ask...) Built with durable materials (Better be, since our pre-game routine might involve some 'beverages.') All Dink Buddy nets have the completely novel court expander technology built into each net system allowing you to join two nets in an instant (For group love... of pickleball.) Available in several colors: Black, White, Indigo, Red, Orange, Pink! (Color us happy!) Get yours on The 'Zon... as in Amazon. See ya on the court-- wherever you want that court to be. Boom!  Maybe you're feeling the need to refresh your homestead. Maybe de-clutter and minimalize things. Maybe this nifty combo from Audo Copenhagen catches your eye.   The description is quite lovely: "The newest additions to the Corbel series embody a perfect synergy of form and function to cater to diverse design preferences and functional needs. Drawing inspiration from architectural weight-bearing brackets, the Corbel Shelf, Long and Corbel Wall Desk elevate beyond functionality, infusing contemporary interiors with their structural elegance and timeless appeal. Designed for versatility, the Corbel Shelf, Long transcends traditional boundaries, effortlessly serving purposes in dining, kitchen and living room areas. Crafted in premium materials, it is available in two versions: marble with dark-stained oak and bronzed steel brackets and dark-stained oak with dark-stained oak and bronzed steel brackets." Hopefully, you have a minimum of $505. We just threw up in our mouths a little. Maybe this is how those milky-skinned, perfect Scandinavian countries live, but not here. One good fart and that chair and shelf-desk-thingy are coming down. Some Crack Wise-dom: 1. We could get something cooler at Goodwill. 2. We've got a spare board laying around that we could easily turn into an artsy-I-wear-a-turtleneck-in-summer-and-sip-500-dollar-wine "desk". 3. Back-in-the-day, this "desk" would get you called the "poor kid" who couldn't afford a proper desk.  We have a confession. We don't have any kids, but we do love back to school supplies. Seriously. We need pens, folders, notebooks, markers... And maybe we need this:  All calendars are dry-erase and come with custom fully adhesive multi-color labels. BONUS! We know that our lives aren't full-loaded with activities, unless you consider wine drinking, eating Cheetos and Little Debbies, pretending to workout, and binge-watching as activities that need more organization. Perhaps they do. One cannot judge another's schedule of activities... Anywho, this baby will set you back $49.99. Learn more at jesseitzler. com. Oh, this Jesse dude is a person who would know about a jam-packed schedule. According to the PR on this product, Jesse is an Emmy-award-winning artist, New York Times bestselling author, Serial Entrepreneur, Motivational Speaker, Father of 4, Ultramarathoner and businessman. #showoff  Literally. Not on Earth. Take your proposal game up a notch with dinner in space. Yes, outer space. You and your sig o will feast and canoodle in a space capsule lifted by a stratospheric balloon. A French Michelin-starred chef will prepare the meal that will be served to you by an AI-powered robot.  Here's the press release, because we can't do it justice: The agency ApoteoSurprise, specialized in orchestrating extravagant marriage proposals in Paris, is launching a brand-new service allowing the romantics of tomorrow to ask for their beloved's hand at an altitude of 35 kilometers (a little over 21 miles for us non-pretentious miles-as-measurement-lovers). Upon their arrival at the spaceport, a pilot will welcome the couple and invite them to board a spherical and futuristic space capsule equipped with top-notch amenities for their comfort. In the center of the cabin, a table will be elegantly set, reminiscent of the most refined Parisian restaurants. The lovers will be introduced to StellarEmbrace, the robot that ApoteoSurprise developed in collaboration with a British startup. Equipped with artificial intelligence, the robot will adapt to the emotions and desires of the couple, providing a truly unique interaction. From the moment they meet, StellarEmbrace will address the young woman by her name and, presenting her with a bouquet of roses, announce that a gourmet dinner for two in space awaits. (We're hoping the chef and AI waiter aren't looking for any group love...) Lifted by a helium-inflated stratospheric balloon, the pressurized capsule will then embark on a peaceful two-hour ascent, offering breathtaking 360° views of our planet through its immense windows. (Are barf bags provided, just in case?) At an altitude of 35 kilometers, the space module will be above 99% of Earth's atmosphere, allowing the couple to gaze at the curvature of the Earth, its blue halo, and the total darkness of space. Like only 600 astronauts before them, the lovers will experience the overview effect, a cognitive shift that will redefine their view of the world and connect them to all of humanity. (How is this hovering going to affect the "hang low" if that's a part of the plan?) The woman and her partner will take their seats at the table, and for three hours, the robot will serve them a five-course gourmet dinner with wines and champagne specially crafted for the occasion by a renowned French chef with two Michelin stars. A carefully selected playlist will accompany the culinary experience, featuring iconic tracks such as "Space Oddity" (David Bowie), "Across the Universe" (The Beatles), or "Walking on the Moon" (Police). Just before dessert, StellarEmbrace will playfully interrupt the tasting to inform the man that he has forgotten something important. The robot will promptly bring him a luminous box that a secret code will open. Suddenly, the suitor will remember the code and enter it. The box will split in two, revealing a luxurious case containing an engagement ring. The man will then propose to his beloved, sealing his love in the eternity of space. A little later, the capsule will begin its slow descent. After a two-hour journey, the betrothed will be back on Earth, discovering that the robot has recorded every moment of their voyage, from their arrival at the capsule to their tender farewells. (That said robot might touch himself too, later? AI is becoming more and more sentient...) Oh, this will cost you a little over $800-thousand. You can find that in your couch cushions, no? Click HERE to book. |
AuthorThe cracked Crack Wise Staff-- warriors of the Funformation Movement. Archives
January 2025
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