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Sometimes we have nothing to say other than: Look how awesome Jennifer Hudson looks!  And here’s a closer look at her $48 earrings from Accessory Concierge. We might be able to afford these! Anywho, let’s love on JHud. She went from being labeled a cruise ship singer on American Idol to winning an Oscar. Fin. 
First of all, we didn’t know Ashlee Simpson was married and going by Ashlee Simpson Ross. Sorry we failed you, dear Crack Wisers. Second, we just like the name of this company: Hat Attack. Hat Attack is all happy because Ashlee and her family (again-- that we didn’t know about) wore their stuff to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in NYC. Guess white-after-Labor-Day is no longer a fashion faux pas. 
Yes, they look fab. But we, personally, can’t wear white. Because we’re slobs. We will surely ruin all of this in two seconds. Plus, we’re starting to sweat from our eyeballs just looking at all this… cozy. But hey, if you’re into the Abominable Snowman look… Since we’re already lying around in our yoga pants and over-sized sweatshirt, we might as well lie around in something stylish and probs make money doing it. Where can we sign up? We’re inspired by this pic of actress Lena Dunham:  She’s “casually” lying around in her opulent bed wearing Adrianna Papell. That sleeveless blouson gown is just $320. Our entire wardrobe doesn’t cost that much. Honestly, we’re more attracted to the shoes. Oh, well. We’ve decided we need an entourage. Seriously. Who’s taking this picture? Who’s styling her to lie around and look fab? A team. We need a team to look fabulous for our trip to the grocery store—STAT!
We don't know when removing part of your clothing then painting or glitter-bombing your body became en vogue, but we blame Instagram. Or the Russians. There's been glitter bikini bottoms, pumpkin butts, and now....
Yes, ladies, you can make your ta-tas look festive for Christmas. Boohoo is selling red and green Christmas wreaths-- complete with gold bells-- for you to get all ho ho ho! These are stick-ons, so you're warned to do a skin test first to make sure you're not allergic. Because that's our biggest concern... not the fact that ours would look like Christmas Waist Wreaths. Maybe we could get a couple and make them look like dual wreath ties... Also, make sure you don't wear these for more than eight hours. Finish up your pole dance, then put on a sensible sweatshirt. Duh. Around these parts, Christmas is a bit nipple-y temperature-wise. Why draw more attention to a chilling situation? Well, if we must try these... but we're confused on the proper way to display. Do you take your top off and just wear these? Do you wear a sheer top so we can see this-- like a Christmas tease? Should we don these for the company Christmas party? Oh, let's not forget the guys. You could decorate "the boys" with these, we suppose. Just shave first. Unless you like the feel of tape ripping out your shrub.  Even though some people are freaked out over it--women breastfeed. Yes. Women’s breasts were created to nourish children! Unfortunately, some people in society blur the lines of sexuality and practicality and can’t bare to see a woman breastfeed. That’s where Cocoon comes in. Cocoon is a versatile wrap that makes breastfeeding and pumping easy and fashionable. “I had so many aspirations on who and what I wanted to be and look like as a mom, I just assumed there would be so many gorgeous options to choose from… the truth is the mama-market is flooded with pandas and floral prints, which didn’t fit my style,” said Amma Co-founder Satya Twena. “I wanted to keep my hip pre-mama style and wear things that were functional enough to keep up with my new, busy mom life.” Cocoon comes in four colors, and is made of lightweight, breathable material. And you can wear it six different ways!  With all that versatility--we want one! Even though we don’t have childrens to feed. So... we're gonna have to get creative. Here’s how the staff at Crack Wise would use Cocoon: As a sack to carry fruit, because bags are cliche Wrap it around our head and call it Crack Wise Chic Wear it like a big diaper, because after a bottle of wine... Or if that makes you want to hurl—wear it like a tube top With all this talk of Cocoon, we're thinking of this Cocoon.
We love it when we receive PR emails:
“Ariana Grande Wears Ruthie Davis” First, we literally think that Ariana is wearing another woman. Because it’s the entertainment business and that wouldn’t be considered odd. Second, our curiosity is piqued because the average someone couldn’t afford whatever Ruthie has to offer, nor would necessarily desire to own any of said items. Well, Ariana wore some Ruthie Davis boots in her new music video “breathin”. 
Specifically, she wore the Mickey in black. 
While we loves some hooker boots, there is no way we’d be able to walk without assistance. Perhaps this is why celebrities have entourages—to help them walk in ridiculous items like these.
Notice how Ariana is lying down in those boots. Because she’d break her ponytail if she fell over. By the by, the Mickey will only set you back $645. Let's play a game. Let's see what the cheapest item is on Ruthie's website. These: 
On sale for $199.
WTH? We could make these in our garage for $2. We’re not quite sure that even if we had “f&ck you” money that we would ever blow $199 on a pair of shoes. Why? We would damage any high-priced item in a matter of minutes. Scratches, scuffs, broken something. It’s worse than Murphy’s Law. It’s Crack Wise Law: not only would a high-ticket fashion item be ruined, we’d probably catch some unknown, uncurable disease from it and die. Or we’d somehow injure someone else and get sued. That’s why “Crack Wise Wears Cheap-Ass Clothes”. There's an PR news release for ya! P!NK can wear anything and make it the best thing ever. Ratty sweats? Yes. Corduroy pants? Sure. Right now, she’s stylin’ merch from Soho Ink. That’s the place in NYC where celebs go to get inked and pierced. Maybe someday P!NK will wear a Crack Wise t-shirt…. Sigh. We do love her… Here she is posing on her bike in Soho Ink gear.  And then there’s this one.  Can P!NK wear something from Target or Kohl’s? That’s more our speed. But we realize that no one can be P!NK. So, we’ll settle for being… salmon—the color. But not these trollops. If we see this commercial one more time…  Maybe, just maybe, if we clicked our heels we’d look half as good as Cindy Crawford does without makeup. The more likely scenario—we’d fall over and break our face because we’re klutzy. In that case then we could get plastic surgery to look like Cindy, and then get famous like those people that spend bucketloads of cash to look like a real-life Barbie or Ken. Anywho, the point of this whole thing is that Cindy is wearing these wonderful Taner mini hoops from gorjana. And they’re just $45!  Not bad at all, considering the high price of fashion. Or we could just use the money and buy our height in Doritos. Much better plan. P.S. Did you catch the reflection of her toned “cheeks” in the mirror? #LoveherHateher Gurri Kahlon sounds like “curry”, or an Indian dish. In reality, Gurri Kahlon is a men’s suit designer.  There’s a flash sale going on that we were unaware of, so we thought we’d pass it on to you. Because deep inside, you want that avocado-toast-matcha-tea-drinking dipsh*t look. Right? Kudos to the designers for “hacking the fashion industry” and slashing costs of men’s suits, and for selling over 110 Zenga suits in less than three weeks! Their 100% Italian handmade suits are just $499. And they claim: “It’s the best suit you’ll ever own.” Hmmmm. If dressing like a billionaire makes you look like a toolbag without the eff-you money, then why bother? Plus, Zenga sounds like “chinga te” to us, which is Spanish slang for “f*ck you.” Yikes! Of course, that might work in this instance because you want that appropriate “eat a bag” attitude.  We’re sorry. But no man that has a functioning “fruit bowl” wants to look like these guys. These guys don’t have relations with humans. And who wanders around with a flute? Besides a homeless person that's looking to trade the flute for a fifth... Even the guy in the middle looking at the (skin) flutist is thinking, “what in the af am I doing here.” At least you got paid for this modeling gig, right? |
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