the crack files:
style
Explore always-relevant tidbits of funformation in our archives...
|
Performance fleece is cozy and comfy, and now a fashion faux pas—for men. In a recent survey of 500 men, 98% said they wore a fleece vest to work at least once a year. First of all, isn’t there power in numbers? Secondly, once a year is going to land you in fashion jail? Egads! So much pressure. Fortunately, there’s equality in a box. Fashion subscription services aren’t just for the ladies anymore. Bombfell is here to champion the everyday man that longs to be comfortable while maintaining a professional image.  "Hey, bra. Nice vest." Bombfell offers a few wardrobe tips for their buds: Explore blazers made with alternative materials There are plenty of materials that are comfortable besides fleece. (Crack Wise says: Avoid polyester. Always scratchy.) Buy a bomber jacket It’s a classic look that will set you apart. (Crack Wise says: Yes! Get your Top-Gun-Maverick on!) Change the shirt instead A nice, wrinkle-free t-shirt pairs nicely with a blazer or cardigan. (Crack Wise says: Don’t go shirtless, unless you’re David Beckham.)  They’re not really underwear. Or maybe they are. It’s hard to tell because this pair of fashionable pants remind us of what guys wear when they’re doing chores. Or what we use to clean the bathroom floor. daniel patrick is back with more pants. And what a coincidence that Justin Bieber was “spotted” wearing said shorts while out-and-about. These Roaming Gym Short/Green + Ivory retails for just $250.  "I haven't showered in days." Finally, white trash is in! Is it us, or does Beebs look like Joe Dirt? 
"We look a little douchey, no?"
As the colder weather approaches you need to keep covered. So many of us get frozen schnozzes. What can we do? The Nose Warmer Company to the rescue! Yup. A small winter hat for your nose. You strap it on behind your head, and your nose will be grateful. Sally Steel-Jones created these fashion-forward (?) nose scarves that come in a variety of materials and styles. Like faux fur and wool. Wool!?!? Because the last thing we need is an itchy nose! Duh! We’re smelling some issues with theNose Warmers, besides the $13 price tag: Is this thing actually a snot catcher? Let’s be real. That’s exactly what’s going to happen here. A pool of snot. I hope Vietnamese women and children aren’t making these. We can keep this a homegrown product by getting grannies across the world to crotchet these. Nice try with the models on the website. No way people that attractive are gonna wear this. Ever. Maybe millennials are trying to modernize the look of clowns. You know, make them more approachable and less creeper-snatch-your-children-esque. It’s going to be quite embarrassing for men when there’s a mixup between the nose warmer and the “mini corn dog” warmer. “A Star is Born” is a must see in theaters. This remake starring Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga is the best of all the remakes. (Sorry, Babs). And let us tell ya, the merch is killer. Jackson Main and Ally merchandise is a hot commodity. And we’re lovin’ the deal. Buy a t-shirt and get a digital copy of the movie soundtrack for $35. Each t-shirt style is inspired by the progression of the characters throughout the film.
It’s all about awareness. We need to continue the dialogue about breast cancer beyond the month of October. Wearing the color pink anytime of the year is a great way to keep breast awareness, education and research top-of-mind. Best Day of My Life is a lifestyle t-shirt company for people who want to promote and create gratitude, positivity, and happiness all around them. There are no limitations to what your ‘best day” is—it could be the day you got married, met someone you’ve always admired, paid off your student loans, got a promotion. Or maybe your best day is the one where you celebrated your last day of chemo, or when you heard those words—“you’re in remission.” Five "brothers" started using the tagline "Best Day of My Life" when asked how their day was going. It started as a joke, but they found that those words totally rock! Any time they wore the shirts (usually all matching at once), strangers started approaching them to talk about the best day of their lives… and a mission was born. Try some of these styles. They look good, and they’ll get everyone talking about things that actually matter.  For every item purchased, Best Day of My Life will donate 10 percent to the Front Row Foundation. And you know how our minds work... we're thinking of that song... Headbands are so cute and stylish… and a pain! You can only wear one for about five minutes before you regret being born. Have you every pulled your hair back with your sunglasses? Looks great, and way more comfortable, right? That’s because your shades aren’t hitting those pressure points right behind your ears. What if we could enjoy fashion and functionality without discomfort? Voila! Zazzy Bandz are the newest hair bands created by Dr. Janet Purkey. (Yeah, what a coincidence her name is perky-esque). The patented redesign (of those torture hair devices of the past) features strategically curved arms that stay away from those nasty pressure points.  “Zazzy Bandz comes with a headache-free guarantee or your money back,” said Dr Purkey. We likey! And we likey that women of all ages can rock these Zazzy Banz.
Dr. Purkey and co-creator Laura Barker are not only giving us headache-free coifs, they’re thinking bigger picture by helping women and children globally. East Tennesee is home to Zazzy Bandz. The company provides work opportunities for women in need who are a part of A Hand Up for Women. These ladies decorate Zazzy Bandz. Very. Cool. “A portion of proceeds from every Zazzy Bandz goes to educate a child, supporting the children at Peniel Centre Orphanage in Bulawayo, Zimbabwe,” said Barker. Win-win for everyone! We are not fashionistas. We are more like fashion-no-stas. We will never understand droppin’ a mortgage payment for a piece of clothing. Israeli bridal designer Julie Vino recently unveiled her Spring 2019 collection at New York Bridal Fashion Week.
Potential problems for us normal gals: Even if we had the body for these “gowns”… no. We can’t suck our gut in for an entire day. There is not enough double-sided tape to keep “the girls” wrangled, plus, ours have become a 36-long. Gravity’s a bitch. Can we get a mam-holding maid of honor? Of course not. These fashions only work if you’re starring in a Whitesnake video. And, when you can’t find the price tag you can’t afford it. Pretty sure the cost of one gown could buy you five whole weddings. P.S. These models need to smile. Yes, you’re all runway chic. Bravo. Bur you’re supposed to be selling us on the fairy tale idea. Yes, you’re hungry. Smile anyways. Thanks. Seriously. What’s considered fashion is way stupid. “Fashion” is not for the majority. It’s for people with tons of money to burn. For example, designer daniel patrick. (yes, using lower case spelling because that’s what he wants.) Cool. You design clothes. We respect that. The closest we’ve come to designing anything is scribbling our style with our Fashion Plates back in the day. Lowercase-D-daniel has designed a $450 pair of striped track pants. Track. Pants. And since singer Usher wears them, well, don’t all you dudes want that Usher-gets-all-the-ladies-to-drop-their-panties-on-command vibe?
But we see the truth in this design. These pants are really just fancy Walmart wear. How many times have you seen multiple somebodies wearing yoga/sweat/track pants and slippers to shop in? Exactly. You could buy half of Walmart for $450. Or have the biggest taco party ever. We love hearts. We wear our hearts on our fingers, ears, necks and wrists. Who doesn’t look good with a heart-on? While one may say the cost of a heart is priceless, in an organ-to-keep-you -alive-kind-of-way, we’re not sure we can drop that many benjis on these jewels. But, these earrings would make a fantastic gift from www.bonjeurjewelry.com.
We’d usually take gestures of amore in queso. But these will do. So if you want to gift the ladies on-staff at Crack Wise, we won’t stop you. |
AuthorHaus of V is a creative collective that shares a similar mindset -- with a twist. Archives
June 2020
Categories
All
|
RSS Feed