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CRACK WISE MAG

the crack files: eats n sips

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Is It Chili in Here?

12/27/2018

 
There are seasons. And then there are unofficial seasons. Supposedly, we’ve entered chili season.

Fine by us. Nothing like slammin’ a big ol’ bowl of fart catalyst on a cold day.
​
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KC Cattle Company hopes you make your chili extra special with it’s hormone-free Wagyu beef. All their cows are raised in a stress-free environment (wish we had the same life), so the beef is more tender… and the cows are happy?

Do cows smile? Do they see unicorns and rainbows?

Anywho, it may sound all fancy to order some fancy beef online to make your favorite chili recipe… but… owner Patrick Montgomery is a veteran, and he employs only veterans and gives back to veterans’ foundations. After he finished his service, he bought a farm and started raising Wagyu cattle because he wanted to bring exceptional beef to the same people he served.

Fine.

Give us the beef. Plus, we’re impressed by their weiners and sausages, too. 
​

via GIPHY


Opa!

12/25/2018

 
Who would've thunk it? Comfort food in Miami? Guess you can sweat off the calories provided by Chef Steve Rhee of Kiki’s on The River.

And Greek is what this Korean-American chef is servin’ up!


Keftedakia (Greek-style meatballs) with Ladolemono sauce; Salmon Saganaki topped with Feta, Greek oregano and olive oil; Lamb chops marinated in Greek olive oil, rosemary and Greek oregano… all sound so tasty.

Kiki’s offers a selection of time-honored Greek favorites and innovative dishes made from scratch in-house. Something to dream about while hibernating this winter.

Perhaps we need to snag a ticket to Miami since we can’t afford one to the Mediterranean.  Wonder if Uber Eats or DoorDash delivers....
​

via GIPHY


Fat St. Nick

12/19/2018

 
Oh, the holidays. That special time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s where we indulge in every food and beverage item we can. At Thanksgiving alone, we consume more than 4,500 calories at dinner. Add on all the Christmas parties and Christmas dinner, well…. Holy Fatass!

Thanks to Ilana Muhlstein, MS, RDN and co-creator of 2B Mindset nutrition program, we’ve got these delicious side dishes you can whip-up for the feast without feeling guilt. Now you can drink more spiked eggnog since these sides are healthier. LOL
Picture

​Caramelized Carrots

Serves 6-8

Ingredients:
2 pounds carrots, peeled and sliced into 4-6 inch pieces 
2 tablespoons  olive, grape seed or avocado oil 
2 tablespoons brown sugar
1 teaspoon salt 
1 teaspoon cinnamon
orange or lemon zest, and fresh thyme to garnish (optional)
 
Place carrots into a steamer for about 10-12 minutes or until fork tender.  
Meanwhile, preheat the oven to 400 degrees. 

In a small bowl, mix together salt, brown sugar and cinnamon. Add the olive oil and turn into a paste. 

Let the steamed carrots sit to cool, then place on a parchment- or tinfoil- lined baking sheet. 

Using well washed or gloved hands, rub the brown paste all over the carrots. 
​
Bake for 7 minutes. Garnish right before serving, and enjoy!
​
Picture

​Toasted Green Beans and Slivered Almonds

Serves 6-8

1. Heat 1 tablespoon of coconut or grapeseed oil in a nonstick wok or large sauté pan over medium heat. Add 2 pounds of trimmed green beans or haricots verts for 3-5 minutes or until tender with crispy edges.

2. Add 2 cloves of minced garlic, 1 1/2 tablespoons of reduced sodium soy sauce or Tamari and 2 teaspoons of toasted sesame oil.

3. Sprinkle with 2 tablespoons of slivered almonds.

Enjoy!
​

Don't Fear the Beef(er)

12/18/2018

 
We’ve always wanted to make Beef Wellington. All that meaty deliciousness wrapped in puff pastry. Score!

But, we’ve been afraid to try because we don’t want to screw it up. And be the topic of holiday celebrations for years to come. That’s where our friends at Landerhaven come to the rescue. Executive Chef James Thornton swears we’ll be just fine with this recipe. So, here’s our chance to impress our peeps. You in?

Beef Wellington

Ingredients:
3 lb. center cut beef tenderloin
Salt and pepper
4 oz. thinly-sliced prosciutto (optional)
6 fresh thyme sprigs
2 tbsp. Dijon mustard
12 oz. puff pastry thawed
1 large egg lightly beaten (for egg wash)

Mushroom Duxelle:
1 lb. medium button mushroom
3 cloves garlic peeled and roughly-chopped
2 sprigs fresh thyme
2 tbsp olive oil
Salt and pepper

Instructions:
1. For the mushroom Duxelle: Add the mushrooms, garlic, and thyme leaves to a food processor and pulse until finely chopped. Add the oil to a large skillet and set over medium high heat. Pour the food processor mixture into the pan and cook for 8 to 10 minutes, stirring frequently, until most of the liquid has cooked out. Season with salt and pepper and set aside to cool.

2. For the Beef: Place a heavy bottomed skillet over medium high heat. Season the beef all over with salt and pepper. When the skillet is hot, add the oil and sear the beef on each side for approximately 1 minute per side include each end. Do not sear the beef for more than 5 minutes total, we just want a minute on each side to ensure it doesn’t overcook. Remove the beef to a plate and allow to cool.
3. Lay out a large piece of plastic wrap, about 18 inches or so, and evenly space out the prosciutto so that it covers most of the plastic wrap. You want it spread out enough to fully wrap the beef when we roll it up. Spread the duxelles evenly over the prosciutto, then sprinkle with salt, pepper, and a few extra thyme leaves.

4. When the beef has cooled, brush the beef with the Dijon mustard, then place the beef on the mushroom duxelle. Use the plastic wrap to wrap the entire beef tenderloin in the mushroom duxelle and prosciutto, then twist the ends of the plastic wrap tightly so the beef holds its log shape. Refrigerate for 30 minutes.

5. Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F.

6. On a floured surface, roll the puff pastry thinly enough so it can wrap around all of the beef, about 1/8 to 1/4 inch thick. Remove the beef from the plastic wrap, then set the beef in the center of the puff pastry and roll it tightly in the puff pastry. Crimp the edges, using egg wash to help you seal the edges and sides. Place the beef seam side down onto a sheet pan. Brush the entire pastry with the egg wash, then lightly cut X’s on top to let the steam escape while cooking. Bake for 25 to 30 minutes until the beef measures at 130 degrees F with a thermometer, and the puff pastry is golden brown. Remove from the oven and place the beef on a wire rack to rest for at least 10 minutes.
​
7. Slice the beef into thick, 2-inch slices and serve with your favorite holiday sides, Enjoy!
​

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Or… you can just go to Landerhaven and eat this. Or, convince someone else to make this.

We need a nap now. Liars.

Cheesy Bells

12/12/2018

 
We love cheese. So when this chick named Emmi Roth reached out to us about holiday appetizers involving cheese, we were excited! Except we learned that Emmi Roth is not a girl, but a cheese company… still excited!

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Emmi Roth is the queen of specialty cheese. And she/it/they believe you need to bring your appetizer game strong or go home.

The pressure is on. But we’re here to help.

Bonus: you can make these apps in 30 minutes or less. Winning!

Easy Gruyere Pull Apart Bread
Sprinkle nutty (whoa!) Emmi Le Gruyere cheese, dried cranberries, thyme, and melted butter over a grid of Italian bread. Bake until toasted. Eat until stuffed!

Roth Cheeseballs
They’re proud of their balls! You could cup and mold an Easy Jalapeno Cheese Ball or Buffalo Cheese Ball. Only takes 10 minutes to prep. Ole!

Buttermilk Blue & Walnut Cheese Spread
Take Roth Buttermilk Blue Cheese, mix it with chopped walnuts and cream cheese. Drizzle with honey. Channel your inner Poo Bear.

Get more detailed info on these recipes (and get a bunch of others) HERE.

We might try one of these recipes. Or we may stick to our special recipe: Open cheese package. Open crackers package. Voila—appetizers served!
​

via GIPHY


Sugar Sugar

12/10/2018

 
We’re seeing this as a big middle finger to health enthusiasts (and we totally support it).

Doughnut cereal. 
​

​Hostess and Post are taking the sugar to ya, with two new breakfast “cereals”. Grab a box of Honey bun or donettes cereal and milk (optional?), then enjoy your blood sugar level spike.

Find them in stores next month. What a way to kick off the new year!


Christmas Poo

12/5/2018

 
Picture

Wanna put some poo in your mouth? You can, thanks to Reese’s! Their Christmas tree candy concoction still looks like a turd, but it’s a tasty one. This year, they’ve stuffed ‘em with Reese’s Pieces.

Other new Christmas candies include:

Peeps Gingerbread Men
Why? Peeps are gross after your grow up. And gingerbread? Smells great, tastes… okay. But if you’re so inclined...

Pickle Candy Canes
Why? We like pickles—in the proper setting. Pickles with grilled cheese. Pickle spears with deli sandwiches and burgers. Fried pickles. But this? Nope. But go ahead if you must...

Our friends at CandyStore have discovered more holiday treats for you to indulge in.

May your stockings, and your stomachs, be stuffed with these goodies!
​

via GIPHY


Santa Sugar

12/3/2018

 
CandyStore is back with holiday stats on Christmas candy and which state likes what. Their results: Reese’s is king. Yes! We’re a fan of all things chocolate/peanut butter. A total of 10 states love them some Reese’s.

So which candy is a loser? Pez. Only three states is enamored with the candy that looks (and tastes) like pills (in our opinion.)

Share these holiday candy facts with your peeps and look all smart and stuff:

1.76 billion candy canes are produced every year for the holidays

Approximately 150 million chocolate Santas are produced every year

Get more factoids HERE.

See where your state lands, and if you agree:
​
Source: CandyStore.com.

Note: Really, Ohio? The Buckeye State friggin’ loves Pez? WTH! Buckeyes—the chocolate candy we’re known for should indicate that Reese’s is our top choice. Are the redneck river people the ones who like Pez? Pfffft.
​

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