• Home
  • Shop
  • Funformation
  • Conley's Corner
  • O. D. F.
  • Gen CW
  • Thoughts of Mom
  • About
  • Contact
  • Wise Archives
    • The Wise Files/Shame Nation
    • Wise Archives/Suzi Speaks
    • Wise Archives/Eats n Sips
    • Wise Archives/Sounds
    • Wise Archives/Style
    • Wise Archives /Wellness
    • Wise Archives/ETC.
CRACK WISE MAG

Wise archives

life

​Explore always-relevant tidbits of funformation in our archives...

    JOIN THE FUNFORMATION MOVEMENT! 

    And don't worry. We won't spam you or sell your info. We don't have that kind of time... or motivation. 
Subscribe to Newsletter

Deal or No Feel

4/4/2019

 
Picture

The number three seems to hold significance in the dating world. The magic number “3” is when you dim the lights, drop your drawers, and sweat-up the sheets!

April Kirkwood is a certified Licensed Professional Counselor and author of the book, “Working My Way Back to Me”. She offers up some tips, guys, so that you don’t blow it before you get blo… you know what we mean. Oh, and Crack Wise has some good advice, too.

Picture

​How to Avoid Deal Breakers in the Bedroom:

Be: Warm
Not: Pathetic
Avoid too many photos of yourself, your dog, and you and your mother. Too much of a good thing is a sign of emotional weakness. Come off warm and affectionate, but not self-absorbed, starved for attention, or attached to mom’s apron.

Tip: One picture of you holding your baby niece says volumes. It taps into her dreams of the future without you ever having to say a thing. Do this and know you just made a home run straight to her heart.

Crack Wise 2 “sense”: Displaying multiple photos of you and your multiple babies (with multiple women) ain’t cute. Nobody wants to bang Shawn Kemp.

Be: Simple:
Not: Excessive

Take your classy mannerisms and remember those very same fashion rules apply to your bedroom as well.  The rule of dressing well is that ‘less is more’ and too many accessories can ruin an outfit. Do not have too many candles, heavy cologne, or pillows strewn everywhere. One or two nice pieces of art work should replace those college posters. Put away toys of all kinds. She doesn’t need a little brother; she desires a mate. Keep the color palette neutral with just a hint of color. An example might be having earth tones on the bed with an accent pillow that is burgundy or navy. 

Tip: A woman wants to feel special, one of a kind, not one of many. Your behavior is more charming especially if you hint that you don’t have a lot of women over.

Crack Wise 2 “sense”: Keeping panties as souvenirs is not sweet. You’re not a broke-down Victoria’s Secret. You're. Not.

Be: Neat
Not: Freak

She doesn’t need a maid. She needs a man. Your bedroom doesn’t have to be hospital clean. Dust, clean sheets, vacuum the floors, empty garbage cans, and keep your clothes in the closet.

Tip: If you’re a neat freak, she will never want you to see her place.  She’s normal and will most comfortable if you mirror her not challenge her. This isn’t a contest.  Love is a sense of connectedness that seals the deal.

Crack Wise 2 “sense”: Don’t utter “It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.” Smooth skin is nice. A smooth skin dress is creepy.

Be: Subtle
Not: Savage

Keep the lights on; offer wine as well as other beverages, and don’t have Barry White playing in the background. She’s not to be considered a sure thing; even if she is.

Tip: There’s a thin line between being sexy and being aggressive.  Too much too soon scares women away. Foreplay should be slow and bring things to a boil.  Slow and easy does it all the time.

Crack Wise 2 “sense”: Don’t offer to play the game “Hide the Sausage” and then grab your crotchal region. She might rip off your sausage and slap you with it.


Comments are closed.

    Author

    Haus of V is a creative collective that shares a similar mindset -- with a twist. 

    Archives

    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018

    Categories

    All
    Adult Toys
    Alio
    Art
    Camping
    Candy
    Celebrations
    Cleaning
    Cooking
    Cooktop
    Co-parenting
    COVID
    COVID-19
    Crack Wise
    Cupixel
    Dinnerware
    Doris Range Pads
    Easter
    Easter Bunny
    Easter Candy
    Face Masks
    Food Service
    Fun
    Funformation
    Games
    Getaways
    Green Beer
    Guardian Adventures
    Health
    Home Decor
    Household
    Hudsonest
    Irish
    Kathy Vogel
    Life
    Lifestyle
    Lockdown
    Love
    Masks
    Melamine Dinnerware
    Napkins
    Odor
    Outdoor Fun
    Outdoors
    Painting
    Paper Napkins
    Parenting
    Parenting In Lockdown
    Parties
    Party Trends
    Protection
    Quarantine
    Reed Diffusers
    Rice By Rice
    Romance
    Sexy
    Shamrock
    Shelter At Home
    Sinful States
    Sketching
    StompRocket
    St. Patrick's Day
    St. Patrick's Day Party
    Summer
    Summer Camp
    The Bash
    Treats
    Valentine's Day
    Valentine's Day Ideas
    Virtual Art
    Virtual Summer Camp
    WalletHub

    RSS Feed

         JOIN THE FUNFORMATION                      MOVEMENT!
    And don't worry. We won't spam you or sell your info. We don't have that kind of time... or motivation. 

Subscribe to Newsletter

Get Crack. Wise. 

Tired of bad news? Yes. Wanna make that pink thing between your ears happy? Yes. Then make sure www.crackwisemag.com is a part of your daily life. 

Reach Out and Touch Us:

  • Home
  • Shop
  • Funformation
  • Conley's Corner
  • O. D. F.
  • Gen CW
  • Thoughts of Mom
  • About
  • Contact
  • Wise Archives
    • The Wise Files/Shame Nation
    • Wise Archives/Suzi Speaks
    • Wise Archives/Eats n Sips
    • Wise Archives/Sounds
    • Wise Archives/Style
    • Wise Archives /Wellness
    • Wise Archives/ETC.