Funformation
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We've never entertained the thought of taking mom on a picnic for Mother's Day. One, because she's rarely up during daylight hours (she might be a vampire); and two, she's not the outdoors type (again, might be a vampire.) But, you fellow Crack. Wise-ers, might have a momma who would love such a treat. If that's how you're gonna roll, you most definitely will need a bottle of something to get you through family time. Might we suggest a bottle of Hoopes Vineyard Rose? According to their presser: "At Hoopes Family Vineyard, our hearts pulse through every one of our bottles and through the land we cultivate, too. Hoopes Family Vineyard is more than just an award-winning winery–it’s a home for the next generation of wine innovators, a new hotbed of local biodiversity and regenerative agriculture, a safe haven for animals, a hidden destination for Napa travelers, and the source of the best damn wine we’ve ever known." We don't need your pulsing heart in anything, but we appreciate the passion. And the fermented grape you're offering. Oh, and don't forget to pack some nibbles for a charcuterie. That's fancy talk for "meats and cheeses." You're welcome. P.S. Would it be wrong if the entire picnic basket was full of wine? Asking for us. A big "duh" with this one-- adults love kids' meals... for themselves. First off, not all of us can slam a biggie-whatever. And secondly, you get a decent amount of food for a way better price point. In fact, a new survey uncovered that 75% of Americans support adults ordering from kids' menus, yet most are too embarrassed to do it. Perhaps you're still too cheap to go out for a kids' meal bite. We get it. We're budgeting everything these days. So why not stay in and make a kid-friendly meal for your grown ass. And it's easy. Lazy Enchiladas *recipe courtesy of The Lazy Dish Ingredients: 1 (20 pack) frozen taquitos 1 (16oz) can refried beans (optional) 1 (19oz) can enchilada sauce 2 cups shredded cheese sour cream (for serving) Instructions: Preheat oven to 400° F and grease a 9x13 baking dish. Scoop the refried beans into the bottom of your dish and spread them out evenly with the back of a large spoon. Place the frozen taquitos in a single layer over the refried beans, placing four of them in the opposite direction in order to cover as much surface as possible. Evenly pour the enchilada sauce over top and bake for 20 minutes. Remove the dish from the oven and sprinkle with shredded cheese. Bake for an additional 5 minutes, or until the cheese is melted. Enjoy with sour cream and anything else you'd like such as shredded lettuce, fresh tomato, guacamole, jalapeños, etc. (You can also make this with frozen burritos!) Where in the af was this friendly helper on New Year's Eve? We love the name: HUNGOVRAF. We imagine many of you Crack Wise-ers slurring the name after a night of unwise behavior. This endearing wrap for your face and head is being billed as "the ultimate headache, hangover, any ache remedy to get you back on your feet." You can use this baby cooled or heated to relieve puffy eyes, cluster headaches and photosensitivity. Available in a multitude of colors, too. We would recommend buying a few different colors so your loved ones will know your current mood based on the color of your mask. Get yours HERE. We get no dough for talking about this product. No one thinks we're cool enough for a partnership. Sigh. It's rough being Crack. Wise. Look, we can get down on Mexican food all day long. Ole! We celebrate Cinco de Mayo like we just got freed. We have a healthy relationship with margaritas. But... travel to Mexico has been flagged for a hot minute, cuz, you know-- crime against travelers. And Mey-hee-co knows it's got an identity crisis, so... turn on the PR machine! They sent us a 24-point list of why we should get our booties down to Nayarit. We'll highlight a few, then add our Crack Wisedom. 1. Wellness The beautiful jungle-covered mountains, crashing Pacific coastline, and abundance of wildlife sets the ideal backdrop for a wellness journey. Whether it's an indulgent treatment at a world-class spa in Punta de Mita, a multi-day yoga retreat in Sayulita, or an ancient healing ritual rooted in centuries of indigenous tradition, Nayarit has everything travelers need to embark on a wellness journey. Crack. Wise-dom: jungles = wild animals, like snakes that will bite and kill you; ancient healing ritual = some mystery herb that we ain't down with distributed by someone in questionable garb and headdress. Nope! 2. Coffee Coffee culture is more than just a trend in Nayarit — it's a way of life. Some of the best organic coffee in the world is grown in the state. The warm, humid climate, volcanic mountain soil, and high altitude make Nayarit one of the best coffee producers in Mexico. Not only is it possible to sip a great cup of coffee, but visitors can tour the coffee plantations. Grupo Terruño Nayarita is a business that organizes the small farms of sustainable coffee production in the state. The group consists of nearly 400 local producers. Crack. Wise-dom: Mmmm, coffee! But are you using your infamous Montezuma's Revenge water to brew that? #pass 3. Gastronomy Nayarit's wealth is not only determined by its natural beauty. Its gastronomy is part of what makes this state unique. Dishes like Pescado Zarandeado and Chicharron de Pescado can trace their roots back to pre-Hispanic times. Also native to Nayarit is Tlaxtihuilli, a seafood soup that uses shrimp, corn, and guajillo chiles. Don’t forget to sample the raicilla, a highly potent spirit made from the agave plant, similar to tequila and mezcal. Crack. Wise-dom: With the use of the word "gastronomy" all we can think about is our previous retort. Though this "raicilla" might balance things out... or make things worse. 4. Adventure Tourism Nayarit's landscape is the perfect playground for adventure enthusiasts. From epic surf breaks along the Pacific Coast, to hiking, biking, and zip lining, there is no shortage of outdoor adventure to explore in the state. Other fun things to do in Nayarit include rappelling, ATV off-road adventure tours, or a guided backcountry eco-adventure tour aboard a4×4 Mercedes Benz jeep. Crack. Wise-dom: We need activities like. "throat punch the thief", "hackey scrotum sack attack", or "zip lining from dying." We're sure Nayarit is coolio, tho. We should've trademarked this idea when we had it one night many years and bottles of wine ago: getting a sheep or goat and letting them "cut the grass" for us, cuz now-- it's a whole thing! People are for realz renting sheep and goats to "mow" their average-sized lawns. We know, right? According to Lawn Love, Californians are all about the sheep (for lawn care), followed by Wisconsin and Minnesota. See where you state ranks: ​ It's so heart-warming when someone reaches out to us with a personal message: We're good, Vic. Whether via phone, text, or email-- no need to reach out. Contact.FirstName, out! Pro-tip: If you're gonna reach out and scam, at least know our name. We feel like this is the laziest of scammers. #fail It's a snub that's gone on for far too long. Nobody has cookies for Easter. Check that: nobody gives cookies the spotlight it deserves for Easter. Chocolate's great! Peeps, well, some of you love them. And then there's the whole gamut of candies to indulge in. But what about cookies? Appropriately frosted and colored cookies! For you Crack. Wise-ers that feel the same way, let the injustice be just. Italian Easter Cookies*recipe courtesy of AllRecipes/Kelly Ingredients: Cookies: 1 ¾ cups white sugar ½ cup butter 3 large eggs ¼ cup milk ¼ cup vegetable oil 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 1 teaspoon almond extract 3 ¾ cups all-purpose flour 5 teaspoons baking powder Icing: 4 cups confectioners' sugar ½ cup butter, softened 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 1 teaspoon almond extract 3 tablespoons milk 3 drops red food coloring (Optional) candy sprinkles (Optional) Instructions: Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Lightly grease cookie sheets. To make the cookies: Beat sugar and butter in a large bowl with an electric mixer until smooth. Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Stir in milk, oil, vanilla, and almond extract. Combine flour and baking powder; stir into milk mixture to form a dough. Roll dough into 1-inch balls; roll the balls out on a lightly floured surface into 5-inch long ropes. Bring one end over the other, then underneath and through the middle, like a loose knot; place cookies 1 inch apart on the prepared cookie sheets. Bake in the preheated oven until the bottoms of the cookies are golden brown, about 5 minutes on the bottom shelf, then 5 minutes on the top shelf. Transfer cookies to a wire rack to cool completely. To make the icing: Beat confectioners' sugar, butter, vanilla, and almond extract with an electric mixer in a large bowl until smooth; beat in milk, one tablespoon at a time. Add food coloring and stir until well combined. Dip cooled cookies upside down into the icing then sprinkle with candy sprinkles. Come in closer. There's something we need to chat about. Not that it's any of our business, but someone thought it should be our business-- because someone did research on how we keep our "flooring." We're not talking about the flooring in your homestead. We're talking about your *personal* flooring. The 'scaping.... It wasn't lost on us that LawnStarter are the creepers behind this research. Which uncovered that: "U.S. adults are split down the middle when it comes to personal grooming. A little over half (52%) prefer a neat or smooth appearance, while the rest (48%) prefer to let nature take the wheel." As for the reason for grooming? Appearances. We wonder if these folks are flashing their flooring willy-nilly, so to speak. What say ye? Are you more shag carpet, throw rug, or linoleum? Dudes-- welcome mat, mud flap, or step runner? Cold sores are the worst. No, we're not saying it's a cold sore to cover for a case of the herps. When you have a cold sore and don't want people thinking you're a dirty butt, grab some Bee Rx and kick that cold sore to the curb (like you would a dirty butt that gives you herpes.) According to their presser, Bee RX "is a miracle in a tube that uses only 2 ingredients, plant based glycerin and all natural New Zealand Kanuka Honey to quickly and effectively heal cold sores and relieve symptoms. Other popular cold sore treatments are anti-viral and work in the ‘tingling stage’, but do not help heal the actual cold sore itself once erupted. Also unlike other treatments, this gel can be used as often as you want and actually tastes good! Did you have to use the word "erupted"? Because it sounds a little... porno. This product is also superior (allegedly), as it: Softens crusts of cold sore blisters; Relieves dryness; and promotes healing. Aw, man. Why did you have to use the word "crust"? So much for eating a piece of pie. Wait... Let this post serve as a Crack. Wise. PSA on cold sore relief. If Michael Scott only had Bee Rx... We're sorry to say we missed out on Hotel Matilda's Valentine's Day Erotic Dinner. First of all, it was $4,500 Mexican pesos per person, which is approximately $261 in U.S. dollars. Second of all, we've seen "Eyes Wide Shut" and we aren't in the mood to have someone's burrito accidentally touching any part of us. Second of all, the thought of half-naked people near our food and booze and then some expectation of some kind of group activity isn't appealing, either. Unless that's how you roll, no judgement here. And we're disappointed there wasn't any kind of sausage or muffins on the menu. Pffft. For $6.99* a Crack. Wise. Erotic Dinner would include: Franzia Boxed Wine Crescent Dogs Choco Tacos ... and a blindfold that actually serves as a napkin. *all you can eat, and you can pass out on the floor together. There's your group activity. |
AuthorThe cracked Crack Wise Staff-- warriors of the Funformation Movement. Archives
January 2024
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