It seems we’re always dreaming about vacation. There’s not a day that doesn’t go by that I’m not thinking of a cruise, or a trip to Sandals, or a beach with beverages. But this is one place I have no desire to go to: All I can think of is the TLC song “No Scrubs”. “A scrub is a guy that think he’s fly He’s also known as a busta Always talkin’ about what he wants And just sits on his broke ass…” A scrub is a dude who mooches off of everyone else and has nothing going for him in life. So, no. I don’t want to vacation on Scrub Island. But it is the perfect place to send the scrubs of the world! I hate when someone who is most likely younger than I am giving me advice on how to live my life. Get a gray hair or 20 first, then check back in. A recent article basically covered 40 things women over 40 shouldn't have in their possession. The list was tamer than I imagined, because it's become a "thing" to bash people over the age of 30. But I still don't cave to pressure from someone I don't give five sh*ts about telling me what to do. Some things on the list: paperback books; shoes that hurt your feet; wire hangers. Look, judgy bitch. I like books. I will continue to have them. And CDs. I'm not dumping either for the sake of a Kindle or downloads-- though I do download stuff. Here's my list of 4 things you shouldn't care about when you reach the age of zero tolerance: 1. What other people think. Are they in your inner circle? Then f*ck off. 2. My third roll of flab. Why? I worked hard for the first two, and the third is bonus. Bring on the yoga pants 4-eva! 3. Saving everyone and the environment. Because I won't live long enough to associate with the masses. Time's a ticking... And, I'm sure the know-it-alls are ruining the environment we speak. 4. I'm too blissfully old to come up with a #4. That's why old people rock. Because we make up rules and stuff. I'm going to start my own hashtag to counteract the #OKBoomer trend (though I'm not a boomer, but I want to defend boomers out there): #OKMillie. As in, "Okay, Millennial. You have grandiose ideas but no plan of action. Go back to eating your avocado toast and pretending to be evolved and better than... That escalated. Next to thieves, hypocrisy is on my list of things that ain't cool. So many people think they know so damned much-- but actually know very little. Victim-playing should be a career for some. The above pic and headline sound like a valid blog post for those looking for love. We all want to bond with that one special someone. But first things, first. Make sure you’re divorced (legally) before leaping heart-first into your next potential divorce. Wakey, wakey… I can honestly say I've never used a bidet. I've never been in a restroom where one is offered. And quite frankly, I wouldn't know how to use it. I understand the basic principle behind this feature. Who doesn't want the cleanest of hineys? But this bidet looks mutha-effin' scary. My concern is that this stream of water is going to shoot through the shoot and all the way up and out of my mouth! Why not call the fire department and have them blast your backside? Because that's what I equate this to. I think I'll be passing on this Groupon. By, the way-- I wasn't "looking for this" ever. Plus, thanks to comedian Mike Conley all I can think about is how he's renamed the bidet "water toilet paper." It's not every day you get a call from a former PUSA... Obviously, I did not receive a call from President Carter, though that would've been epic. I love technology, but love how it's imperfect in cases like this one. Lost in translation voice transcription is just as entertaining as reading production descriptions on Wish. Oh, we're also gonna have to say "no" to giving us a bath. We're not into three-play, no matter if you were once a president or not. Who knew you swung like Slick Willie or JFK? I have no idea what this latest scam could be, because I refuse to link click into a rabbit hole of computer takeover or all-access to my life. But I’ve gotten this twice through my contact form section through my website www.hausofv.com: Submitted Information: Name CrystalAnach CrystalAnach office@raw-burgsteiner.com Company Name CrystalAnachWK Comment We would like to inform that you liked a comment ID:35915743 in a social network , January 9, 2019 at 19:48 This like has been randomly selected to win the seasonal «Like Of The Year» 2019 award! http://facebook.com+prize+@1310252231/7WJ9j The overachiever in me would love to be an award winner. Because back-in-the-day, I’d get some cash from mom and dad and a toy that I wanted. But methinks this is no award. Though I’m curious if I’m getting props for my fabulous wit from a social media comment. But I know that I rarely comment on people’s posts, so, nice try. I love how “Like of The Year” awards are handed out before the year is actually over… Toolbags. I pray to Sweet Baby Jesus that neither I, nor any of my friends or family, fall victim to some scamming asshat. These ingrown ball hairs need to legit get a job and stop taking from others. But I must give this loser some props. Because a majority of us haven't fallen for the Nigerian prince thing, or the "one of your long lost relatives put you in their will". But Billie, from China has quite the proposition for me: Hello kathy (Names are capitalized in this country) Hope you are doing well. (You don't give two efffs. Drop the b.s.) I am Billie for China.I was going through your website (Which one?), and I'm writingtoexplore (So excited you're slurring your words together?) possible business opportunities. Joawa Plastic Mould Company (Shouldn't this be a lead company? It is China...) is medium and small-scale accurate plastic mould company,We accept all kinds of molding tool design & manufacturing, plastic production and assembles etc. (Nice punctuation.) We have been the supplier of many European andAmerican factoriesfor 10 years. we could also have good cooperation withyou. (I don't cooperate with known dbags.) If you areinterested in a protential (Is a pro-tential project for pros only?) project,Please email us to get afull proposal. (What's afull proposal? Sounds tedious.) Thanks & Regards, Billie I don't know what to do here. Such an obvious wonderful opportunity here. There was a document attached to this email that I obviously refused to open. I'm sure that's where the phishing would take place. Kudus to the not-obvious play of not asking for my bank account info right away. Nor telling me how much I "inherited." But all I could think about while reading was this: 1. How many people in China are named "Billie"? Are there a plethora of Billie Wangs and Billie Dongs and Billie Hungs running around Tiananmen Square? 2. And is this the true identity of Billie Jean from Jacko's song? The song was running through my mind while trying to take this all seriously... not. Not only can you find cool stuff on Wish for a fraction of the price around these parts, you can get some damned good entertainment. One night, the hubs and I spent a good hour (or more) looking up products and LOL-ing at the lost-in-translation product descriptions. Priceless. Now, Wish has crossed the line. And we love it. I would've posted this straight-up to the Facebook Crack Wise page-- but surely someone would complain at the "offensive" content. Because it's a dick pick. For real. Surely, you'll want to gift your man with the towel on the left? This might make an excellent stocking stuffer for a male in your life, be it friend, lover, brother... Or someone you don't like gets the towel on the bottom right... Enjoy for your dick towel! Somehow, fanny packs are back “in” fashion. I’m not sure they were ever fashionable to begin with, but…. They’ve been renamed. I suppose it’s to take away the stigma of some slob wearing a bag around their waist. So now they’re called “belt bags.” Whatever! Still a FANNY PACK. Sure, back in the day I had quite a few fanny packs. I was younger, with the mentality of a senior citizen. I wore such a hideous bag only when going to an amusement park. Made sense. It was sensible. Now, fanny packs are belt bags and are actually really cute. Like this one from Venus: When I think belt bag, I think fanny pack—and this: So, should I get a belt bag? I’m not fashionable, so slipping into re-named-fanny-pack-dom might be acceptable… P.S. And no one wore such a bag near their fanny. It always rides on the hip or front side. Duh! But I suppose "gut pack" wasn't as cutesy. I’m just going to start by saying, I know I’m not perfect. Very far from it. I have flaws. I have issues. But I check myself. Especially before posting to social media. My hot mess cousin provides much entertainment on the Facebook. When she wasn’t putting it out there that she was trying catch some money-loaded “D”, or pushing her short-lived Mary Kay business (and getting upset after two days that no one wanted to buy stuff “to support her”), she vomits deep-thought advice. Like this: “Everybody wants to be someone else… why not just be yourself? Bc someone out there wants to be you as well” Deep. But hypocritical considering you used a Snapchat filter on yo face for your profile pic. Filter = not real = being someone/something you’re not. Personally, I’m a filter fan. I want a real-life filter on my face 24/7. But I also don’t tell people to be real, while I’m using my filter. So, girl. Check yo self. |
AuthorEditor-in-chief Kathy Vogel shares what's on her mind... through her fingers. Archives
June 2020
Categories
All
|