Keep Your Package

There’s nothing worse than an unsolicited package request. Whether a dick pic or a scam involving an unclaimed package.

Check this out:
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Let’s break this down:

I’m really tempted to email this guy from a newly-created Gmail address. You know, have some fun from him from a rarely-used laptop in case he’s smart enough to trace an IP address. I mean, Chuck sounds like a decent guy. He cares about my abandoned package!

What exactly can “cause” your job? Cause you to do your job? Get someone to grammar check and spell check your bullsh*t.

“Review the secret”? I obviously don’t know what the effing secret is regarding my so-called abandoned package, so you picked the wrong person. Also, why would this be a secret if this is about my package?

​So whose package is this? You said it was mine, but apparently it’s not. It's some diplomat's? Why should I care?

My mind hurts just trying to figure out what this even means.
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Wow! You can cut through red tape in 48 hours? You’re a miracle worker! Also, there would be no way in hell I’d allow you to come to my house. Nice try. I can’t believe you’re working this for a measly $3,700. Guess that amount doesn’t seem unreasonable to the easily-fleeced.
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What is it with this whole “if you’re still alive?” So my “heirs” don’t reap the rewards of my abandoned money if I’m dead? Here’s my response:

Dear Mr. Griffin…

Kindly eat a bag of sweaty dicks.

Love, The Very-Much-Alive,

Me

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