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CRACK WISE MAG

the crack files: eats n sips

​Explore always-relevant tidbits of funformation in our archives...

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Barbe-Cool

3/16/2020

 
​There’s barbecue sauce. And then there’s barbecue sauce. Are we right? Many are experts and have very picky tastebuds. We feel ya.

See if Bachan’s Japanse Barbecue moves you. If the Japanese can make us gaga for Yum Yum sauce, then…

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​This sauce is cold-filled and small batch crafted in California from an heirloom family recipe. All 10 ingredients are non-GMO and mostly organic.

So this is a health food, right?
​
Here’s a Bachan recipe to try:
​

Chicken Meatballs

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Ingredients:
1 lb Ground Chicken
¼ cup + 2 tbsp Bachan's Japanese Barbecue Sauce
½ cup Panko Bread Crumb
1 tbsp Fresh Grated Ginger
1 Egg
2 tsp. Chinese Five Spice
1 tsp Salt
¼ cup + 2 tbsp Cilantro
2 Green Onions 2 tbsp Sesame Oi Sesame Seeds (garnish)

Directions:
1. In a mixing bowl, combine ground chicken, 2 tbsp Bachan's Japanese Barbecue Sauce, panko bread crumbs, grated ginger, egg, Chinese five spice, salt and ¼ cup cilantro.

2. Combine until well mixed. Take mixture and form into meatballs.

3. In a skillet, add sesame oil and fry meatballs until golden brown and cooked through.

4. Add ¼ cup of Bachan's Japanese Barbecue Sauce to skillet and toss over meatballs.
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5. Garnish with additional cilantro and sesame seeds.

Dang It!

3/10/2020

 
The first Asian-American snack brand, Dang, has new packaging, a new logo, and new eats.
​
Dang!
​Tropical Mango Coconut Chips: Using mature Thai coconuts, this new addition brings the tropical mango flavor without any added sugar. MSRP: $4.99

Toasted Sesame Thai Rice Chips: A savory on-the-go-snack inspired by Northern Thai street food and made with crunchy Thai rice grains. MSRP: $3.99

Peanut Butter Dang Bar: Made with healthy plant-based fats from coconut, cocoa butter, peanuts, and almond butter, this new flavor joins Dang’s award-winning keto-certified line of snack bars. MSRP: $2.49
​
Founded in 2012, Dang Foods is owned and operated by two Thai brothers who grew up living between New York City and Bangkok. In New York City, they were used to being teased and feeling like they didn’t fit in at school because of the food they ate. Now, through Dang, they are able to generate long-overdue awareness at scale for the Asian-American snack culture that is predominantly healthy, plant-based, and full of bold flavors and whole food ingredients. So, there.

Find all these Dang products at Kroger, Target, Whole Foods and any place else that dares to Dang.

We could go on with this Dang puns all Dang day…

P.S. So grateful that the name of this company isn't Dong, because... 

Brew Ha Yum

3/3/2020

 
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Perfect for the beer connoisseur in your life: Brewferm. The name ain't sexy, but in a blink of a buzzed eye you or your buds will be making craft Belgium suds. Each kit comes with everything you need to clean, ferment, and cap your pints, as well as all the necessary ingredients-- all carefully ore-measured and ready to brew. Simply add sugar and water, and then follow the instructions. In a couple of weeks, you'll be sampling:

Tripel Terror -- A strong and malty beer that’s slightly spiced
Flemish Fiend -- An aromatic beer with lingering licorice notes
Belgian 1774 -- A brown ale with light sourness and a sweet aftertaste   
Dubbel Damme -- A Belgian Dubbel that’s dark, chocolatey, and rich
Divine Deliverance -- A Belgian IPA  with that signature herbal, bitter aftertaste
Pious Pilsner -- A refreshing Pilsner with a slight bitterness and hop aroma
Beastly Belge -- A true Belgian ale with malt undertones and a soft finish
Bighorn Blonde -- A full-bodied yet balanced beer with high alcohol content
Sinister Stout -- A dark smooth beer with hints of chocolate and coffee
Sacred Saison -- A richly golden beer with flavors of herbs, spices, and fruit
Wicked Wheat -- A cloudy, complex, tart yet fresh brew

That's great. But let's kick this up to the next level. Your own beer cheese sauce!!!
​

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​Creamy Beer Cheese Sauce

Ingredients:
3 Tbsp butter
3 Tbsp all purpose flour
1/2 cup lager beer
1 cup whole milk (half and half or heavy cream may be substituted)
1 tsp grainy dijon mustard (or regular dijon)
1/2 - 1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp kosher salt
1/4 tsp black pepper
1/8 tsp cayenne pepper
pinch of dried parsley (optional)
3 cups shredded cheddar cheese (or your favorite cheese) (about 12 oz) 

Instructions:
In a saucepan, melt butter over medium heat. Add flour and whisk until combined.  Cook 30 seconds, while whisking occasionally. Add beer, whisking continuously as you pour, eliminating any lumps from the flour mixture. Slowly add in milk, whisking as you pour. Cook over medium heat, whisking often, for several minutes, until mixture has thickened. Stir in mustard, Worcestershire sauce, garlic powder, salt, pepper, and cayenne. Add cheese, a handful at a time, and stir until completely melted.  Serve warm.

*recipe courtesy of www.thechunkychef.com

Souped

2/18/2020

 
You can get sauced. Or you can get souped. (Some do both, but we won't judge...) Nothing takes the edge off the bitter cold than a nice bowl of soup. And since we are perpetual cheese lovers, this hits the spot. Easy to make. Easier to devour. Thanks, Crave Brothers-- for making us run another 10 minutes on the treadmill.
​
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​Creamy Mascarpone Mushroom Soup

​Ingredients:
5 T. butter
1 bunch green onions, chopped (use some green part)
2 lbs. assorted wild mushrooms (shiitake, portabella, cremini, white button), leave some whole for garnish, slice remainder
5 cups chicken broth
¾ cup port
¼ t. dried thyme
1½ cups heavy cream
2 T. lemon juice
1/8 t. ground black pepper
8 oz. Crave Brothers Farmstead Classics Mascarpone
Crusty bread or breadsticks
 
Directions:
Put butter in 5-quart saucepan; melt. Add onion; sauté. Cook about 5 minutes until soft, stirring frequently. Stir in mushrooms; cook about 8 minutes until tender. Add chicken broth, port and thyme; heat to boiling. Reduce heat. Ladle mushroom/broth mixture into blender; blend until puréed. Pour into large bowl. When all mixture puréed, return to saucepan. Add cream, lemon juice, black pepper and mascarpone. Heat soup over low heat just until heated through. Ladle into soup bowls; garnish with whole mushrooms. Serve with crusty bread or breadsticks.

Tastes Like Love

2/11/2020

 
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Feed the beast and spank that beast into action on Valentine's Day with a "love diet" filled with proven aphrodisiac foods. There really are foods that possess chemical properties that could increase pheromones and heighten our desires for some down-under lovin'. This is according to Board Certified NYC Internist and Gastroenterologist Dr. Niket Sonpal. We wonder if these foods are in his diet. Meow...
 
Top Aphrodisiac Delicacies:

Oysters:
One of the most infamous aphrodisiacs, as their appearance mimics the labial folds of a vagina; oysters are high in zinc and have a reputation for being great for love and fertility. Researchers found that oysters contain amino acids that trigger the production of sex hormones. 

Crack Wise: Whoa! Watch your filthy mouth. We don't want to get sand in our crack to see if we can make a damn pearl...

Pistachios:
They have many health benefits as they contain protein and fiber. Nevertheless, they also help to reduce symptoms of erectile dysfunction. This could be due to the fact that pistachios lower cholesterol and stimulate blood flow throughout the body.

Crack Wise: So... nuts for nuts. We get it.

Chai Tea:
The typical spices in this brew include ginger, cloves, and cinnamon, all come from exotic places and certainly will get the blood flowing, and it has almost no caffeine so the stimulant effect is less than coffee.

Crack Wise: We start most mornings with Chai. Alone. But we've never Divinyls-ed ourselves.

Red Wine:
Red wine will be sure to leave you feeling less awkward and aroused. The scent alone has been proven to get people in the mood. It is proven that wine decreases inflammation and gets your blood pumping.

Crack Wise: Sniffing it? All we can think of is that scene from A Fish Called Wanda where Kevin Kline gets a good whiff of Jamie Lee Curtis' boots, and then...

Avocado:
High levels of folic acid, vitamin B9, and B6 all provide your body with energy and even help to increase testosterone production. Food has been used throughout time to work as a way to increase sexual arousal.

Crack Wise: But millenials aren't having sex, so... is the toast part 'cado-blocking?​ ​
​
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​More from Dr. Sonpal…

For something to be considered an aphrodisiac, it would need to be:

Consumed orally.
Crack Wise: Isn't that the end goal? Oh... you mean something else.

Reliably increase libido or sexual desire (no placebo effect).
Crack Wise: But a placebo effect makes me think whatever, so if happy-naked-time happens every time I eat Doritos, wouldn't Doritos be an aphrodisiac because in my mind it is? Who doesn't want a happy trail of Cool Ranch crumbs down their happy trail?

Take effect relatively immediately.
Crack Wise: This could be a lot of fun especially if you "aphrodisiac" someone's meal. Like Uncle Larry's. Watch him hump the neighbor's dog!

Wrap It Up

2/4/2020

 
Boys, you’ve got to keep your bottle protected with Valentine’s Day right around the corner. No, really. You need to keep that third bottle of unfinished wine fresh. Why not gift yourself or your sweetie the Wine Condom for V Day?
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Packaged like a condom, this little device is your spill-proof solution to storing an opened bottle of wine the safest and most effective way. No spillage! These condoms seal flush with the rim for easier fridge shelf storage. That means *clears throat* don’t get any ideas for re-purposing your wine condom for, well….
​
Get a six pack for $17.

The Hottest of Chocolate

1/27/2020

 
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It’s traditionally known as a cold-weather beverage: hot chocolate. For us, we’ll indulge in this treat anytime of the year because we adult-it-up—IE: we add booze.

Why not start a Hot Chocolate Bar trend? Have your friends over for game night, make a crockpot-sized vat of the good stuff, and then put out a toppings bar. Think custom marshmallow shapes, cinnamon, edible straws and stirring spoons, liqueur, gourmet whipped cream…
​
Get creative! And get warm from the inside out.

P.S. Invite us over. We'll bring the boozy stuff...

Jingle All the Yay!

12/16/2019

 
We’ve never heard of the Cookie Cake Company. But now we have. Combining two things we have a close attachment to: cookies & cake.
​
Just look at this yumminess:
​
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The Jingle All The Way Cookie Cake is two layers of gingerbread cookie cake with vanilla cream cheese buttercream & sprinkles—then covered in Christmas sprinkles and topped with gingerbread cookie pieces. It’s priced between $6 and $66 depending on how much feelings you need to eat, er, how much you need to feed the crowd this holiday.

Order by 12/21 to get one in time for Christmas.

P.S. We say go big—or go home. 

Candy Land

12/9/2019

 
​We Americans are candy connoisseurs. We eat it. We rate it. We eat some more. CandyStore.com is the expert in all things, well, candy. Duh.
As we traditionally like to receive the bad news first, let’s share the Worst Christmas Candy of 2019.
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​Solid list. Those demon nougats should always remain Number One. Who actually enjoys those?

Now, onto the sweetness (nice pun) of Christmas candy:

93% of people gift chocolate and candy for the winter holidays.

72% of people eat a candy cane starting on the straight end, the rest start on the curved end.

Approximately 150 million chocolate Santas are produced annually.

Here’s your favorite Christmas candy, by state:
​
Source: CandyStore.com

​​Merry Diabeetus!

Falling-Down-Drunk Father

12/2/2019

 
​Want a new dessert for the holidays that will get them raving instead of raging? Wow the fam with Tipsy Parson. It’s a traditional English trifle that combines cake, custard, fruit and booze. Simple to make. Easy to eat.

Tipsy Parson

Ingredients:
2 eggs, beaten
1/2 cup sugar
1 tablespoon cornstarch
2 1/2 cups milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 (3-ounce) package ladyfingers, split lengthwise
1/4 cup sherry Fresh strawberries

What to do:
Step 1
Combine eggs, sugar, and cornstarch in top of a double boiler, beating well. Gradually add milk, stirring constantly. Cook over boiling water, stirring constantly with a metal spoon, 20 minutes or until mixture coats the spoon. Cool slightly. Stir in vanilla. Cool completely.

Step 2
Sprinkle 12 ladyfinger halves with sherry. Let stand 5 minutes. Line sides of a 1-quart soufflé dish with soaked ladyfingers; pour in custard. Top with remaining lady fingers. Chill completely. Garnish with strawberries. Spoon into individual serving bowls.

*recipe courtesy of Oxmoor House

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