For the uber planner in you, there’s Organicer. Since a physical day planner thingie won’t suffice, nor will that calendar app on your phone, let’s double your work with this new product!
This is how it works: You write down your schedule in the Oganicer planner, then use the app to snap a photo of your notes and the QR code. The app then transfers appointments, notes, and tasks to your phone and will send you reminders.
Uhmmmm… my phone does all of this now. Without the need to add an app. This is not helping our mental wellness!
And another thing: What’s so nice about Organicer? You’re still obsessing over everything, but in triplicate! We guess because it’s pretty and techy, it’s nice. Pfft. We think they’re trying to make use drink more. But if you dig, go for it! We still love you.
Why would Crack Wise want to track our habits? Especially when they’d read like this:
Ate wheel of cheese
Drank two glasses of ChocoVine
Daydreamed about having the ultimate beach body
Read that your mind is powerful and can make things happen
Thought for a few minutes about our fat becoming flat and fab
Looked in mirror and saw no changes
Drank another glass of ChocoVine
Pop that bubbly, because Macula 30+ has been named Best Healthy Aging Product in the 2018 SupplySide CPG Editor’s Choice Award Program!
Hey, awards are great. And if you win one, flaunt that good stuff all day long. The award recognizes new and novel consumer packaged goods with winners selected based on market innovation, consumer need, scientific substantiation, brand integrity, and the “cool” factor.
Our eyes start hating us after the age of 40, so this supplement helps in making our eye relationship better. Quantum Health worked with Dr. James Stringham to formulate the product. It contains 30 mg of lutein and 6 mg of zeaxanthin. It also boasts omega-3 fatty acids, vitamin E and zinc.
Macula 30+ has been shown to support macular and retinal health to help maintain healthy vision. It helps optimize visual performance, including the ability to see more clearly in low light and recover from glare. (The FDA has not evaluated this product, FYI.)
Wonderful. But the name sounds like Dracula’s sister, doesn’t it? We know. It’s just us. Even though this product is about macular health, couldn’t they have named it something flashier? Like Ocular Awesomeness?
Enjoy the holidays with holiday-themed wellness escapes. Let’s escape this coldness and head down to Se Spas at Mexica’s Grand Velas Resorts in Los Cabos and Riviera Maya.
Grand Velas Los Cabos’ Thanksgiving Treatment features a pumpkin and honey concoction to moisturize your back, head, feet and hair. Doesn’t an herbal back massage and moisturizing hair mask sound lovely? The goal is to stimulate reflex points on the head and feet to detox the immune system. Treatment cost: 80 min/$236.
In Rivera Maya, the Se Spa offers a Spumpkin Moisture Massage (80 min/$210) and Pumpkin Spice Energy Bite Spa Atelier workshop ($25 per person.) The body treatment starts with a smash spice scrub to prepare the skin. It then continues with an organic body mask to restore the skin’s water-lipid layer and increase the amount of nutrients and oxygen in the skin cells. The treatment wraps-up with Apple & Spice organic tea. Also, there’s a workshop where you can learn to make Pumpkin Spice Energy Bites.
Guess we shouldn’t drink all the tequila after getting all well-ed up, right? Especially since Santa needs to drop a rather large pile of cash on us so we can afford this. Is there such thing as a Sugar Daddy Santa? We’ll handle caring for the “north pole’ if he’ll make it rain…
With all the recent talk of equality, it's nice to know men want to get a "tune up", too. Why not? We could all use a little improvement. Some turn to exercise. Others turn to surgery. Some are just blessed with great genes. We hate them deep inside our sad, black souls... But we digress.
Sometimes, we turn to fillers to even-out those wrinkles and laugh lines. And men are turning to fillers to beef up their... scrots.
Yes. You read that correctly. Scrotum. Fillers. Because men want big balls.
"(injecting) a filler in the soft dartos layer undernearth the scrotal skin, so as to cause a visible increase in scrotal volume."
That doesn't sound pleasant.
How big are things gonna get? Like "South Park" Randy big?
You do you, but why, gents?
You're just going to need to adjust more. And doctors say the effects wear off after a year. So, more pricking!
Crack Wise is curious:
Have there been complaints over bag size? We've not heard that this is common talk in the She-Shed.
Won't inseams have to be adjusted?
Instead of tea bagging, it'll now be tether-balling, right? Bruises.
Apparently, our jobs are killing us. For real. We spend nearly six hours a day sitting at a desk, according to a 2012 study by Science Daily. And we’ve all heard the stories of how awful it is to sit for long periods of time.
While many companies have evolved with the use of standing desks, standing for too long is just as bad!
Movement is key. That’s where Casper Boards enter the picture.
Use while standing or sitting, the board allows people to increase their overall activity throughout the day through “small but regular movements”. We could say “small but regular movements” are good in other areas of our health, but we digress.
If sitting, the board is like a footrest—except the balls help you move the board freely in any direction.
If standing, the board acts as a balance board with a snap-on dome-shaped base that creates a bit of instability—which activates the core.
Here at Crack Wise, we’ve come up with other ways to use Casper Boards:
Relay race. Duh.
Try to set a Guinness Book of World Records for the person who can stand the longest
Use it as a lazy susan for the tray of donuts in the conference room
See how many people we can pile on top of one
Tape our auditions for the X Games
Try to become YouTube famous with “couple’s Casper Board” dance routines
Travel down the street to snag a snack from the food truck
Recreate our favorite scenes from Point Break
Forget pricey plastic surgery. For $65 you can look like Meghan Markle!
Well, not really like her. But you could have the same chiseled jawline just like the Duchess of Sussex.
Aside: Is it us, or does Duchess of Sussex sound like a hip-hop artist? Maybe we’re thinking of Fergie and her album The Dutchess. Either way, Meghan Markle needs to drop a rap album about royal life.
Back to business—looking like M. M. We’ve been researching the benefits of fascia manipulation. Settle down, dudes, fascia is the sheets of connective tissue that connect, penetrate, envelope, and surround every organ, joint, muscle and system of the body. Massaging the fascia supposedly can reduce pain, improve circulation, and a bunch of other awesome health stuffs.
Ms. Meghan has shared with her commoners that she enjoys facial massages, and that’s how she looks so damned good. Sure—genes have nothing to do with it. Neither do stylists. Whatever. So what are we regular gals supposed to do?
Grab a FaceBlaster and get to work!
WTH is a FaceBlaster?
It’s a handheld tool with three tiny, dainty claws to massage problem areas on the face.
It’s the perfect shape that fits perfectly along your jawline, to help you sculpt a defined profile.
It increases circulation and can eliminate wrinkles, inflammation, and other skin impurities.
It can eliminate sagging skin, jowls, wrinkles and more!
For $65 bucks, that ain’t bad. But... you could just invite us over, and we’ll use this:
And we’ll do it for free. But we’d appreciate a four-pack of those Barefoot Moscato mini-bottles and some Easy Mac for our services.
Bet we’ll have more fun!
This is like something out of the movie Total Recall. Tonal is the world’s first machine learning-powered strength training system. Fancy!
Created by former Apple, Nest and GoPro engineers, Tonal pairs on-demand workouts and personal coaching with a groundbreaking at-home wall-mounted fitness system.
That means we don’t have to leave the house the workout. Excellent! Because no one needs subjected to our cussing, sweating, and not-public-appropriate workout attire.
Digital weights to help you lose weight, gain strength, build muscle, boost energy, improve performance, or maintain your fitness.
Unlimited users per household
Personalized expert-led programs on a super sleek device that doesn’t take up space in your home.
But is there someone to stop us from scarfing the package of Oreos? Didn’t think so. And since this device saves space, where are we going to hang our clothes when we tire of it? Thanks for nothing.
Price tag:Just $2,995 with content and data subscription.
How ‘bout we stop eating and just do a bunch of pushups?
We’re not sure we’re sold on the name, either. Tonal makes us think of “tone deaf”, which leads us to this…
Technology you can wear that’s not a watch or bracelet. We can get into that.
ARK crystals are created by Nassim Haramein. They’re a revolutionary technology that “boosts the body’s natural ability to connect with the vitalistic quantum vacuum energy at the foundation of all natural processes.”
We have no idea what that means, but we’re assuming it’s all good.
Supposedly, “the zero-point field of space is a nexus of quantum entanglement, and when the body is able to attune with it, like a crystalline oscillator, it comes into harmonic resonance with this inexhaustible source of energy, coherence, and connectedness.”
That’s what we thought. Wear it, and you’ll feel darned good!
Personally, we’re a little scaredy. We keep thinking of that orb-thing from “The Arrival”.
Of course, having an orb/crystal-sucking-stuff device would be awesome if we could eliminate people that irritate us. But we’d mess it up somehow and end up “disappeared” ourselves.
We have the hardest time with the name of this product because our mind sees what it wants to see.
First, we thought it was “Bratoxinista”—like a barista for your brassiere. Then we thought it was “Braxton-ista”—a long, lost Braxton sister.
Obviously, we were wrong in both instances.
“Bra” has nothing to do with the “girls”, but everything to do with Brazil. Gotcha. Women are looking for instant wrinkle erasing, and Bratoxinsta supposedly works magic.
“Women are always telling me that they spend money on creams and serums that do nothing. They play the waiting game and get frustrated as they throw away another cream or serum. With Bratoxinsta, there’s no waiting. You’re getting the highest amounts of these key ingredients possible and when working in concert with one another results are instantaneous,” explains Dr. Vishal Kapoor—Plastic Surgeon and Medical Advisor to Brazilian Skin.
Wrinkles are gone within minutes—without needles. What!?!?
And, it’s easy to use. Dispense a small amount on your fingertip and gently feather it over any wrinkles and expression lines. Apply to a clean face, and allow 60 seconds for the effects to begin before applying makeup.
Ingredients include: magnesium aluminum, peptide complex, stem cell complex, and chondrus crispus.
We’re thinking this isn’t just something women can use. Men need this as well. We envision men trying to smooth out some bag wrinkles…
Haus of V is a creative collective that shares a similar mindset -- with a twist.