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CRACK WISE MAG

Suzi sPEAKS

Just an average girl looking for her dream gig. Hit me up at: speakssuzi@gmail.com

Play (Soft) Ball!

12/11/2019

 
I've got great ball handling skills!

​Assistant Softball Coach

Williston State College – Williston, ND
Salary: Commensurate with Experience
Status: Seasonal
Reports to: Head Softball Coach

Summary
The Assistant Coach is responsible for assisting the Head Coach in recruiting, planning, coaching, scheduling opponents, training team members, and managing all aspects of the softball program for Williston State College.
 
Responsibilities
Assist the head coach in formulating a successful philosophy to promote the educational welfare and sportsmanship of the student-athlete.

Assist the head coach in preparing a yearly budget for the softball program purchases.

Assist in arranging softball travel for team and recruiting.

Assist in developing fundraisers to improve the softball program.
 
Minimum Position Requirements:
At least 1 year of softball coaching or playing experience.

Bachelor’s degree preferred.
 
Knowledge, Skills, and Abilities Required:
Strong computer skills.

Skill in preparing a budget.

Ability to work with a diverse team in a fast-paced environment.

Ability to stay abreast of current and developing trends (video, voice, data, and computing technologies).
​
Enthusiasm and the ability to thrive in an atmosphere of constant change.

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear Softballers,

I played a lot of softball with my Gramps growing up. And I organized the neighborhood team. And from there, I started a team when I worked retail. We were called Forever Strikes because I worked at Forever21.

I could totally assist for you. Plus, one time in college I had a brief summer *thing* with Misty on the softball team. Good times…

He Kisses Her on the Strikes, She Kisses Him on the Balls,

Suzi


Stevie Wonderwang

12/2/2019

 
​I’m Asian, so Ninja-ing is in my blood! 

​Actor

Blind Ninja Dinner Challenge – Columbus, OH
Part-time, $11.00 - $11.01/hour

**Interactive Dinner Theater**
We are putting on a long running (multiple years) Dinner In The Dark concept that uses actors as the main focus of the experience.

You will be dressed as a Ninja and will guide your guests through an exciting journey into the darkness where they dine on a 5 course meal and complete a series of challenges set up by your character.

With your stage acumen, improv experience and knowledge of how to produce a show, you will compliment them on their actions and your dramatic voice will guide them to the next stage of the production with enthusiasm.

This is a very unique acting opportunity as the bulk of your lines are written on a script and you can read it in front of the audience as they are blindfolded and can't see you.

This job has a high tipping potential as you will build a relationship with your guests and they have time to adore you and love the experience.

Our performances are Friday and Sat. Nights at 6:00 and 8:30 pm.

We need trustworthy individuals who can show up on time repeatedly and deliver great performances.

If you are elected to work with us, we can also give you priority scheduling for our other high tipping acting events as well if you need more hours.

Come get your Ninja on!
www.blindninjadinnerchallenge.com

Suzi's Cover Letter:

Dear Silent Sleuths…

I’m really good at doing things while keeping my eyes closed, so I hope you consider me. Because I’m not really blind. But I can fake it. I’m good at faking stuff. Plus, ninjas are invisible. So…

Sneaky & Stealthy,
Suzi


Say "Yes" to Suzi!

11/25/2019

 
​I have been dreaming of my wedding since birth!

​Bridal Stylist

Brandi’s Bridal Galleria – New Glarus, WI 54574
$11.50 - $13.40 an hour – Part-time

Join Wisconsin’s fastest growing, trendy, award winning bridal salon! Winning "Wisconsin's Best" for 13 years running means offering service, selection, and an experience for our bride that is second to none! As one of the Midwest's largest, independently-owned bridal salons, Brandi's Bridal Galleria, Etc. is seeking energetic, hard-working people who love to sell fashion-forward bridal apparel and enjoy a fun, teamwork environment. Immediate positions: full-time, part-time, and/or weekend only. Multiple positions available. We are very flexible with student class schedules. Weekend availability is a must. Brandi's offers a great opportunity for personal growth, experience, and professional skill building. Great new things are happening at Brandi's gorgeous 12,000 sq. ft, “state of the art” bridal salon. Come be a part of the team that is changing the face of bridal forever. Brandisbridal.com

Responsibilities:
Guide the bride in selecting the perfect bridal gown and accessories by applying your knowledge of bridal apparel

Assist bridal parties in selection of their wedding apparel from bridesmaids, moms, Prom dresses, tuxedos.

Floor product merchandising to keep our cutting-edge trends presented well.

Product preparation including pressing and pricing of merchandise.

Work as a Team Player to ensure each customer receives the best service possible.

Engage the customer in creating a fun and memorable experience.

Resolve a customer’s challenging situation and frustration with clear direction, confidence, and kindness.
​
Any other activities deemed necessary by management: i.e. cleaning, inventory.

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear Brides-to-Be Helpers,

I’m obsessed with Say Yes to The Dress and Four Weddings. And even Bridezillas! Like, I want to get married a lot so I can wear a jillion dresses.

I love brides and think every chick is perfect and beautiful on their special day—even the fat ones.
​
Who could think a bride is ugly? Well, maybe my sister. Because she has an ugly soul. And no dude is stupid enough to marry her. She’s just a depository—if you know what I mean.

Happy Tears & Happy Tiaras,
Suzi

P.S. And I would truly love to move to Wisconsin because I love cheese!


HBIC

11/18/2019

 
​I can be in charge and stuff!

​Head of Audience, USA

News Corp – New York, NY

Job Description:
Title Head of Audience, US
Department The Sun Online
Reports to Director of Audience

The Sun - biggest newsbrand and News Website of The Year in the UK - is launching in the US, with ambitious plans for growth. We need an experienced Head of Audience to run our US audience operation.

Purpose of role You’ll be responsible for spearheading our audience growth strategy - leading a growing team of audience editors, building relationships with distribution partners, and working with the editor to ensure we’re writing about the right things and developing strategies to grow our loyal and engaged audiences and brand.
​
Your team’s work will include posting to social media, growing social accounts, giving editorial SEO advice, content and event planning, and audience analytics. You’ll lead them in ensuring they beat all of our traffic targets with a mix of your own creative thinking, ambition and getting your hands dirty.

Suzi's Cover Letter:

Dear Nielsens,

I am all about leadership. So being in charge of an audience is right up my alley. I was in drama in high school, and I totally always had the audience in the palm of my hand. I was going to go to NYC for acting, but my sister got pregnant with her third child from her 4th boyfriend, and she needed help. So…

I’m great with social media. And I think sex sells, so look for lots of pics of me in my bikini. 

​And I’m a good writer, to. Like, I almost wrote Twilight.

The Sun Shines Here,
Suzi

Jewel in My Crown

11/13/2019

 
​I am so creative. Like, so...

​Freelancer Jewelry Designer

Elite GNY - New York, NY
Contract
Jewelry and Watch Designer
$25/hour

We are looking for a Freelance Jewelry & Watch designer for top fashion company in New York City. This individual will be responsible for assisting in technical designing for the jewelry team.
​
Responsibilities:
Develop and execute product designs that achieve overall product strategy. Participate in research and development of seasonal trends. Ensure designs meet merchant line plans, assortment strategies and overall creative direction. Prepare and finalize technical drawings of proposed product to be used for production. Adhere to design calendar and deadlines. 

​Suzi's Cover Letter:

Dear Jewel Rulers,
I have so many ideas about jewelry. I used to make my own bracelets in school. All the cool girls wore my stuff. We had a little group of fashionistas led by yours truly. 

My big idea is crowns. We need to wear crowns more often. Not just for weddings and bachelorette parties, and pageants, but like, all the time! I would design a Grocery Shopping Crown, a Football Sunday Crown-- even Going-to-the-Gyno Crown!

And, just so you know-- crowns are for dudes, too. Any age can wear one. Can you imagine the cute baby crowns!?!?!
​
Here are some of my totally cool designs:


Picture

Forever Royal,
Suzi


Thai-ed Up

11/4/2019

 
​​I can read books on Thai food and make money!?!?!

​Thai Novel Proofreaders

Nyoi Bo – New York, NY
Contract

Our well-established novel translation company is looking for Proofreaders (fluent in Thai and English) to proofread top English novels that had been translated into Thai, catering to readers all over the world. We have more than 400 talented freelancers working with us and scouting for more.
This is a long-term position for suitable candidates.

Requirements:
Previous proofreading, editing experience preferred but not required and willing to be trained
​
You need to be fluent in Thai and English

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear Pad Thai-ers,
Asian Cuisine is da bomb! But I do love some Thai food in particular. It’s unique. I could get down on some Pa-Nang Curry Beef, or some Lo-Mein. Or anything coconut.

And to be able to read about it, and cater Thai food to readers all over the world!?!? International Suzi!
Pho Sure I’m Your Gurr,
Suzi


Life's a Cabaret

10/28/2019

 
​I love old people! They smell like pudding.

​Public Speaker

Singrly by Tony Vaudeville Talent – Seattle, WA
$30 - $40 an hour/Part-time, contract

Tony Vaudeville Talent is a talent agency specializing in providing arts engagement activities for seniors in retirement communities. We are seeking new talent to add to our roster. Working with us is a great way to market your talents without paying for advertising or profiles on sites like C’List or G’Masters. We handle photos, video, and promotion. You just show up on time and deliver a really great show!

Actor/Reader: Part-time reader sought for weekly group work with seniors in memory care, assisted living, nursing care and independent living settings.
Candidate must possess a strong interest in working with people who are living with dementia and related conditions and be able to adapt the service to meet the individuals involved in the program
​
To be considered candidate must be:
A talented voice actor able to perform dramatic readings of short stories and novels
Able to imaginatively use music and foley techniques to create an engaging performance.

Suzi's Cover Letter:

Dear Old Time Lovers,

I was really close to my gramps. He was the only one who really understood me. I vented a lot to him about my stupid tramp sister. Maybe this is why I’ve always loved older men…

I used to volunteer at nursing homes and visit with the old folks. They just needed someone to talk to. I left there after confusion over that one day when I showed up in a bikini. Mr. Pappas said I reminded him of his wife, and how pretty she was, and how they used to swim a lot together. So, I just wanted to make him happy. You know? 
I don’t regret what I did… I’d do it again. #ElderLivesMatter

Jell-O and Juice Boxes,
Suzi


Khantact

10/24/2019

 
​I’m a total Trekkie!

​Host/Khans Koach

Genghis Grill – Reno, NV
$9 - $12/hour – Part-time

As the Host/Hostess, you must make the Fan feel welcome. You are the first person to greet the Fan when they arrive. You should provide a cheery greeting and make each and every Fan feel "special." For some, it will be their first time visiting Genghis Grill so it is up to you to make them feel at ease. A Fan may have had a hard day at work; and now wants to relax; a Fan may be celebrating a special occasion or it may be a family that just wants to enjoy a good meal. Whatever the reason, you are the Host/Hostess who sets the tone for the Fans’ visit. You can answer any and all questions and fulfill their needs.

You must keep your energy level and enthusiasm up. You are the first person a Fan sees so greet the Fan with a welcoming smile. The Fan’s first impression of our restaurant is you. All incoming Fans must receive a friendly, sincere greeting while the door is held open for them (If time allows).

As the Host/Hostess, you are also the last person the Fan will come in contact with. When the Fan leaves, open the door for them, thank them for choosing Genghis Grill, and invite them to return. Provide the Fan with a good last impression of our restaurant.
​
Our Hosts/Hostesses are successful because of TEAMWORK. In order for a team to function effectively, it must be guided by certain basic principles. The information, instructions, and philosophies in this manual are the basic principles to which you will be expected to adhere.

Suzi's Cover Letter:

Dear Genhghis Gangstas,

I’m such a Trekkie, and working here would combine two of my loves—Star Trek and food! The Wrath of Khan is my favorite of the Star Trek movie. Ricardo Montalban was a bad, bad, boy—but so dreamy! Plus, I’ve been a hostess before. I’m really good. But I got fired from my last hostess gig because I was too friendly. Whatevs. 
​
Beam Me Up Scotty,
Suzi 


Brew Ha Ha

10/14/2019

 
​Anything with beer is so fun!

​Brewery Events Coordinator

Baxter Brewing Company – Lewiston, ME

Baxter Brewing Company is looking for a versatile Events Coordinator to organize and execute events that will make an impact on target audiences. We want to see enthusiastic candidates with fresh ideas and the organizational skills required to help us reach new audiences as well as create deeper loyalty among Baxter fans.

We’re seeking someone who is a natural-born people person and an incredible communicator. You throw parties people can’t stop talking about. You find interesting people, picture-perfect places and create clever details with ease. You’re happiest with a run-of-show clipboard, juggling both the big picture and the most granular details. You ensure events are successful, paying attention to budget and time constraints.

RESPONSIBILITIES
Create and execute concepts for marketing and PR events in the field and at the brewery, which includes a wide variety of charitable and experiential events/festivals, from pre-planning to day-of execution.
Partner with Brand Managers on developing compelling event concepts, marketing strategies, creative materials, props and promotional items.
Collaborate with the Pub team on developing marketing events at the brewery to increase visits, sales and customer engagement.

QUALIFICATIONS
One to three years of previous professional experience in special event planning and management.

A love of craft beer and an understanding of brewing and beer styles is strongly preferred.
​
Ability to work both independently and as part of a team, as situations demand.

​Suzi’s Cover Letter:

Dear Good Yeast Supporters,

If I was never meant for something, it’s me and brew! (Get it? Instead of me and you, me and brew?) I have always been the go-to person to plan parties amongst my peeps. I’m so great with people and getting them together!

I love crowds and I love beer! Like, I can win any drinking contest hands-down… and not puke!
​
​My best party was Beerfest ’15. OMG! The whole block was down. We had a 100-yard beer dash. Barrel Roll—how far can you roll in a barrel. BeerButt—smash a can of beer between your butt cheeks, then someone drinks it. And, we had a thing for charity: “Cans 4 Cans”. Donate money for breast cancer awareness and get a can of beer! Bonus: only one person got hurt at our party.

Hops-ing to Meet You Soon,
Suzi                      

Merry Shipmas

10/7/2019

 
Christmas and boats!?!?! I can't contain my excitement!!!!

Christmas Ship Deckhands

Argosy Cruises – Seattle, WA
This is a seasonal position with an expected last day worked of January 5th 2020.

Position Summary:
A Deckhand at Argosy Cruises is responsible for tasks ranging from furthering the vessel to providing extraordinary guest service to guests on board. The primary duty of a deckhand is to assist the Captain in monitoring the vessel and ensure the safety of guests while onboard Argosy vessels and docks. In addition to the safety sensitive duties, deckhands participate in bartending, cocktailing, and cleaning of the vessel.

Essential Job Functions:
Responsible for following the directions of the Captain with regard to the safety and security of the vessel

Responsible for following and executing Hospitality Standards in order to provide an extraordinary guest experience

Responsible for following the Open-Close books for every shift to prepare the vessel for daily operations

Responsible for selling food, beverage, and gift shop items to guests

Job Requirements and Qualifications:
Ability to speak, read and write in clear English

Ability to competently perform basic math functions- add, subtract, multiply and divide

Pass a DOT drug test from the United States Coast Guard

Physical Requirements:
Lift 25 pounds

Step down from a slow-moving platform, with a 3-foot step
​
Climb over barriers 3 ½ feet high

Suzi's Cover Letter:

Dear North Pole-ers,

Do you know who much I love Christmas? Like, a whole super lot! I am a total Christmas chick! I have been since I was little. I have the best decorations and the best outfits ever!

And, I love boats. That helps.

I have so many ideas:
We could light up the boat in red and green.
We could have random mistletoe stations. When the boat is a rockin’…
Santa and his naughty elves cabaret show!
A giant stocking slide!


Don’t you just love these!?!?!

No Coal in Our Stockings,
Suzi

P.S. I don’t like Dippin’ Dots, so I’ll totally pass that test.

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    Author

    I'm just your average girl who wants a kick-ass life and... love! If I could be a superhero, that would be AWESOME! I'm currently a "phone actress" looking for a really cool career. Don't get me wrong-- I love giving a hand to dudes who need someone to chat with. Everybody needs somebody! But, my parents keep telling me I need a respectable job.  Sigh.

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